How to retreat into progress in interpersonal relationships

Take the high jump as an example. If you are far behind, you can jump higher. Only temporary forbearance and loss in interpersonal relationships can gain long-term benefits. The key is to meet each other's needs quietly, that is, to focus on each other's interests and clear the way for their own interests. Ask for help, the requirements can be very high first, and the result is appropriate. The other person will feel guilty for not helping you a lot, and then it will be easier to agree to your smaller request. Or step by step, from letting him do small things to helping big things. Because he has a good impression and dependence on you, he has formed the habit of saying good to you. First high and then low will cause you to retreat; From small to large, let the other party not notice your true intention of "pushing your luck first". Daily communication is more than opposition. We should remember the old adage that "two tigers strive for each other, and there must be a wound", and don't add fuel to the fire, which will lead to the tragedy of "burning down a big house". If you are reasonable and can compromise, people will not only admit that you are right, but also praise your generosity and let you reach the perfect position that everyone expects.

1. Start with concessions and end with victory.

Starting with concessions and ending with victory is a rare trick in interpersonal relationships. When you show that you can put the interests of others first, you are actually opening the way for your own interests. When doing risky things, it is especially effective to take a leisurely step.

The first step to success is to keep your interests and intentions secret and make the other person willing to do what you want him to do, because you can do what he likes.

Respecting and highlighting the views and interests of others is the most powerful magic weapon for us to ask others to cooperate. People often can't use this magic weapon correctly because they often forget that if we overemphasize our own needs, others will change their attitudes even if they are interested in it.

To move others, we must proceed from their needs. You must make it clear that the only way for a person to do anything is to make himself willing. At the same time, we must remember that people's needs are different, and everyone has their own hobbies and preferences. As long as you seriously explore each other's real intentions, especially those related to your plan, you can deal with him according to his preferences. You should first adapt your plan to the needs of others, and then your plan can be realized. For example, to convince others, the most basic point is to skillfully induce their psychology or feelings and make others submit. If the persuader emphasizes his own advantages and tries to get the upper hand, the other side will step up their guard. Therefore, we should pay attention to discover our own shortcomings or mistakes first, so that the other party can temporarily feel superior, and be careful not to express them in a serious way, so as not to let the other party take advantage of it.

Some people who have been asked, thinking that they have helped others, are grateful to you, and will unconsciously feel superior, and may even criticize those who ask for help. When you think you may be accused, you might as well criticize yourself first. When the other party finds out that you have admitted your mistake, they will be embarrassed to accuse you again.

Hermon is a famous American mining and metallurgy engineer. He graduated from Yale University in the United States and obtained a master's degree from Freiburg University in Germany. However, when Hermon took all his diplomas to find Hearst, a big mine owner in the western United States, he was in trouble. The big mine owner is an eccentric and stubborn man. He doesn't have a diploma himself, so he doesn't trust people with diplomas, and he doesn't like gentle engineers who love to talk about theory. When Hermon applied for the job and handed in his diploma, he thought the boss would be overjoyed. Unexpectedly, Hearst said rudely to Helmon, "The reason why I don't want to use you is because you used to be a master of Freiburg University in Germany. Your mind is full of useless theories. I don't need any elegant engineers. " The clever Hermon was not angry, but calmly replied, "If you promise not to tell my father, I will tell you a secret." Hearst agreed, so Helmon whispered to Hearst, "Actually, I didn't learn anything in Freiburg, Germany. Those three years seemed to muddle along. " Unexpectedly, Hearst said with a smile; "Good, then you can come to work tomorrow." In this way, Herman easily passed the interview in front of a very stubborn person, using the strategy of less when necessary.

Some people may think that it is not appropriate for Black Gate to do that. The question is whether he can solve the problem without hurting others. Take Hermon as an example. He belittles himself. Of course, his own knowledge does not lie in his own evaluation, that is, no matter how high his knowledge is, it will not increase his real knowledge. On the contrary, no matter how low his knowledge is, it will not decrease one point.

Perkins, a famous American politician, became the president of the University of Chicago at the age of 30. Some people doubt whether he is qualified for the position of university president at such a young age. He only said: "A 30-year-old man, who knows so little, needs to rely so much on his assistant and acting president." This short sentence immediately let those who once doubted him breathe a sigh of relief. When people encounter such a situation, they often like to show that they are better than others as much as possible, or try to prove that they are people with special talents. However, a truly capable leader will not brag. The so-called "modesty makes people obey, boasting makes people doubt" is the truth.

Concession is actually only a temporary retreat. Sometimes, in order to make a step forward, you have to make an inch of tolerance first. In order to avoid big losses, don't care about eating small losses. Dresden was the vice president beside Washington when he was the first president of the United States. This is a leisure job, but Dresden turned it into a powerful position. In his speech, he often tells some jokes when he was vice president. Instead of demeaning himself, he won admiration and support.

2. Clever use of "old wine in new bottles"

One way to make concessions is to make concessions on the surface, but in fact it is a secret step. The so-called "changing the soup without changing the medicine" is still the same, also called "old wine in new bottles". Change the bottle and give the other person a step back, but the wine is still old and stronger, because the other person must be caught off guard and unable to fight back.

On one occasion, Hou Bo, a world-famous comedian, said in his performance, "The hotel room I stayed in was so small and short that even the mice were hunched over." When the hotel owner learned that Hou Bo had slandered the reputation of the hotel, he was very angry and wanted to sue him.

Hou Bo decided to use a strange way, not only to stick to his point of view, but also to avoid unnecessary trouble. So I made a statement on the TV station and apologized to the other party: "I once said that all the mice in my hotel room are hunchbacked, which is wrong." I solemnly correct now: none of the mice there are hunchbacked. "

"Even the mice there are hunchbacks" means that the hotel is small and short; "None of the mice there is hunchbacked", although denying the small and short of the hotel, it is certain that there are mice in the hotel, and there are many. Hou Bo's apology is obviously a correction, but actually a criticism of the hotel's sanitary conditions. It not only adheres to all previous viewpoints, but also is more profound and powerful in irony.

For another example, there is a student named Alfred at Oxford University in England, who is very famous at school because he can write some poems. One day, he recited his poem in front of his classmates. A classmate named Charles said, "I am very interested in Alfred's poems. It was stolen from a book. " Alfred was very angry and asked Charles to apologize to him in public.

Charles thought about it and agreed. He said, "I seldom take back what I said before. But this time, I admit my mistake. I thought Alfred's poem was stolen from the book I read, but when I opened the book in my room, I found it was still there. "

On the surface, these two sentences are different: "Alfred's poem was stolen from a book I read", which means Alfred copied the poem; "That poem is still there" means that the poem that Alfred copied is still in the book. The meaning has not changed, which further affirms the plagiarism of this poem and the degree of ridicule is deeper.

When using the method of "old wine in new bottles", we should pay attention to the following two points:

(1) should have a clear purpose.

Argumentation skills serve the purpose of argumentation. Using the method of "old wine and new bottle" is intended to further adhere to one's position and viewpoint flexibly from another angle under the unfavorable debate situation. If we deviate from the theme of the debate, it will become a purely technical thing and a language game, then it will lose its value and significance.

③ "Old wine" should be packaged in "new bottles", and the method of "packaging" should be skillful.

There are many ways to package "old wine" into "new bottle", but the key lies in the writing. The above cases are all ingenious. Example ~ is an abstract negation, a concrete affirmation, which denies the shortcomings of the hotel, but still affirms that there are mice in the hotel, and there are many, poor sanitary conditions, but it is just a clever transformation. The second example is to change synonyms skillfully. Synonymous sentences are a group of words with the same or similar meanings. Although the words are different, they have the same or similar meanings. Cleverly changing synonyms can achieve the purpose of "old wine in new bottles" Charles expressed the same meaning in two sentences before and after, and the latter sentence was more ironic.

This method has many advantages. It can hide the truth from the false and take the truth from the true. This is ironic and uncertain. It is indeed superb technology and strategy, which makes opponents elusive and elusive.

3. "Take the law and get the right."

When people cross the threshold and go up the steps, their legs should be raised high and their steps should be low. This almost instinctive habit, applied in social life, is a clever way to give in. Specifically, it is to create the illusion of concessions with big requirements, so as to achieve smaller requirements.

First, make a big request. If the other party doesn't agree, make a smaller request. They feel guilty because they didn't agree to other people's big demands and couldn't help them much. In order to alleviate this guilt, they will agree to this smaller request and apologize by helping them a little. Compared with making smaller demands directly, the possibility of people agreeing will be greatly improved.

We often use this method in our daily life. For example, if you want a naughty child to go home and watch TV for only one hour every day, you might as well say that he is only allowed to watch TV for half an hour. After repeated requests, you have to promise for an hour, and he won't make any more trouble because you have let him go. Another example is in the market. Shopkeepers tend to double the price of goods and let him give up his normal price slowly. People who buy in this way also feel that it takes a lot of advantage and it is easy to save money. This may be a bit deceptive, but people are used to it: whether you really give in or not, you have to make him feel that you have taken a big step.

In turn, this principle can also be the step of "if you want to do something well, you must sharpen your tools first". If you need more help from others, you might as well use the "stepping on the threshold" technology, that is, ask the other person to help you a little first, and then ask him to help solve a bigger problem. Social psychologists Friedman and Frazier conducted a practical investigation and study on the technology of "climbing the threshold"; They first went door to door to find housewives to sign the so-called "safe driving petition", and almost all housewives agreed to this request without much effort; A few days later, they asked the housewives to promise to put up an ugly big sign in their private courtyard, which said "Drive carefully". As a result, more than 50% of housewives agreed, while in another group of housewives who were directly asked to set up a brand, only those who were interested in things accepted the idea.

Why is the former three times bigger than the latter? Psychologists explain that people who agree to provide small help provide themselves with such a sense of self: they are helpful people. Then, they will act in a way consistent with this sense of self, and then have more dedication. After agreeing to "one inch", he will form the habit of saying good to you, and it is difficult to perceive your "one foot" goal.

If we can't reach the goal in the end, we should adopt the attitude of "less than one foot, five inches is enough", adjust our expectations in time, make appropriate concessions and let things develop in a good direction.

When you insist on asking someone to accept your views and opinions, the other person will often have resistance for various reasons, thus completely denying the opinions put forward. The secret of concession is to give in in time when the other party raises objections, so that the other party can feel respect for their opinions and satisfy their vanity, thus achieving the purpose of persuading the other party.

When criticizing the inertia of China people, Lu Xun said that if someone proposed to open a window on the wall of a house, everyone would oppose it, and that window would definitely fail. If he suggested tearing down the roof, everyone would give in and agree to open the window. In fact, this psychological phenomenon is common in human beings, and we can use this psychological guilt to persuade others to accept opinions.

In people's social activities, because everyone has the stubbornness of sticking to their own opinions, the result of not agreeing to reconciliation is often "taking the law and getting the right." In order to "fit in", we need to set a higher goal and then make a compromise. Concession gesture, while the other person's self-esteem is satisfied, your goal will be achieved.

4. When two tigers fight, there is bound to be injury.

The quarrel between husband and wife is often because of trivial matters. The other side is only a little wrong, but if the other side is firm, it will inevitably lead to an escalation of the "war". The following is a story about a couple who fell from a teacup to a color TV, which is worth learning.

On Sunday, his wife Xiao Wang and her husband are at home. Because of a little trouble at work, my husband has been in a low mood recently. Xiao Wang is busy cleaning the room and arranging furniture in the morning. Her husband leaned back on the sofa with a newspaper and read it over and over again. Knowing that her husband was unhappy recently, Xiao Wang didn't ask him to help with the housework.

When Xiao Wang was cleaning up the small coffee table, he accidentally knocked over the cup that her husband put on it and broke it. Just yesterday, Xiao Wang Gang broke a cup, but I didn't expect to break another one today. This set of furniture was brought back to her husband by an old classmate from Japan. The workmanship is very exquisite and is treasured by her husband. She often fiddles with it and praises this tea set as "really unusual". Usually, my husband is almost unwilling to use it, just afraid of being smashed. Recently, because I was in a bad mood, I took it out and enjoyed it alone. I didn't expect my wife to smash two in two days, when my face grew long. Xiao Wang' s anger also came up at once: "Isn' t it just two cups? You feel bad, as if I'm not worth two glasses. Don't get angry outside. Come back and let me see your face all day. Taking out your wife as a punching bag is nothing more than a hero and can't be down a peg or two. If you are really capable, you won't be worth two cups more than your wife. "

This is a hornet's nest. In the husband's eyes, his wife indulged him everywhere because he was in a bad mood, and the benefits of comforting him suddenly disappeared, and some were just angry and annoyed. The troubles at work have long made him feel painful and depressed. His wife's sarcasm made him feel that there is nothing worth cherishing in this family: "If I feel that I am incapable, then I am incapable. It's up to you. There are many capable men out there, but unfortunately you don't have a happy life, so you have to ask me to be your husband. "

The wife doesn't show weakness either: "that's not necessarily true. Maybe one day I'll find a capable man to show you."

In the case of out-of-control emotions, the two sides deviated from the normal trajectory of husband-and-wife conversation and the principle of seeking truth from facts.

The husband grabbed the water bottle on the coffee table and threw it hard. Xiao Wang felt that his heart was about to break, crying and cursing in despair: "Put it down quickly!" " Have the courage to drop everything! "

At this point, the husband was completely out of control, and the crazy impulse became the last despair in Xiao Wang's bristle. Angry couples rarely keep even the slightest calm and strategy at this critical moment, let alone one side voluntarily give in.

When Xiao Wangmingbai came over, it was already late. Her husband grabbed a dumbbell and smashed the TV set that he had just bought for less than a year: the big screen imported from Japan cost nearly ten thousand yuan.

This type of quarrel is the most common in the war between husband and wife. Because of the concealment of their psychological motives, they often have the characteristics of suddenness. Depression caused by work troubles is the potential psychological factor of this war, which has found a disastrous breakthrough for the psychological tension of breaking a cup with his wife. In Xiao Wang's opinion, he has done well enough. Instead of being ungrateful, her husband blamed himself for a cup. So disgust was immediately ignited. The quarrel between the two sides has shifted from tragedy to mutual attack, and the escalation of the husband-wife war is inevitable, and the final consequences are unpredictable for both sides.

The only condition that can avoid disastrous consequences is that one party must take the initiative to make concessions. When the husband blames Xiao Wang and Xiao Wang gives in voluntarily, the husband will immediately feel that it is unfair to treat his wife like this, and he will feel guilty and regret. Similarly, when the wife complains, "Don't be so ugly, I didn't mean to." At this time, if my husband gives in voluntarily, my wife will understand that my husband is in a bad mood, so I will also understand him, and even feel guilty for accidentally breaking the cup and causing trouble to my husband.

This kind of violent conflict caused by minor problems is not only between husband and wife. Many small things eventually develop into tragic results, which are common in newspapers. When you encounter a similar situation in your life, the other person is very angry, and his voice is very high and his words are offensive. You should keep calm, don't add fuel to the fire, or even develop to the point of larger foe. Remember: when two tigers fight, there must be a wound.

5. One step at a time.

There is a president in the United States, Masinley, who is strongly opposed by some people because of the problem of employing people. At a congressional meeting, a member of parliament rudely scolded him in front of him. He tried to be patient and didn't have an attack. When the other party finished cursing, he said in a gentle tone, "Your anger should be calmed down now. You have no right to ask me like this, but now I am still willing to explain it to you in detail ... "His embarrassing gesture made Congressman Qin blush and immediately eased the contradiction. Imagine that if Masinley doesn't let others take advantage of his position and reason to actively fight back, then the other party will never be convinced. It can be seen that when the two sides are in a state of sharp confrontation, the patient attitude of rational people can "cool" the opposing emotions.

Here are some ways to make timely concessions, please remember to use them often:

(1) to the steps, "Hello, I'm good, hello everyone".

There are often some people who are particularly opinionated in life, and it is easy to quarrel with others about trivial matters, and the smell of gunpowder is very strong. At this time, the reasonable party should be generous, he can explain and compromise at the same time, and it is best to use the non-irritating language form of "fifty boards each" or "hello I am good" to avoid the expansion of the conflict. Once a gentleman went to his father-in-law's house for dinner. During the dinner, Weng Xu and his wife talked about the construction of a highway. Mr. Na stressed that the delay in highway construction progress is a serious mistake of relevant parties; My father-in-law disagreed, thinking that the road should not have been built in the first place. The two men were angry at each other, and the argument intensified. Later, Taishan, an adult, blamed the problem on "young people's selfishness and lack of environmental awareness", which was obviously criticizing the gentleman. The gentleman was worried that if we continued to argue, it would destroy harmony, so he began to relax. He said diplomatically, "maybe our views will never coincide, but that's nothing." Maybe we are all right, maybe we are all wrong, and this is unknown. " The gentleman's words not only set the stage for himself, but also played a round for both sides of the argument. Avoid endless quarrels between the two sides, expand contradictions and affect feelings. Imagine what would happen if that gentleman argued with his father-in-law in an emotional way? It is likely to annoy the father-in-law and be scolded.

(3) Put out your anger, "That's the way it is."

Many times, people are angry with each other because they don't know each other and have no communication. At this time, the reasonable party must not be angry because of the other party's mistakes. The best way is to explain more, communicate ideas or apologize and comfort, and reach an understanding or understanding with each other. In the hospital, the waiting room is crowded with patients. A patient stood in line and read all the newspapers in his hand without moving a step. So he was furious, knocked on the window of the duty room and shouted to the staff on duty: "What hospital is this? Don't you see so many people waiting in line? Why don't you try to solve it? I have something urgent in the afternoon! " Facing the patient's anger, the waiter patiently explained, "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long." Well, the doctor went to operate on a critically ill patient and couldn't get away at the moment. I'll call again and see how long it will take him to get out. Thank you for your patience. "The patient's platoon has not been treated in time, and the responsibility is not on duty. But in the face of the patient's mistakes, he just held his horses and explained his comfort, which was much better than the answer of suppressing anger with anger and adding fuel to the fire.

(3) for outrageous people, "it's all my fault when it's all right."

In the face of arrogant and unreasonable people, rational people will often be fooled if they only control evil with evil. At this time, the better way to calm the storm is to stand up bravely and take the initiative to take responsibility, and to blame the wicked for their bad words and be soft-hearted. A shop assistant met a middle-aged man to return a rice cooker. The pot was half new and half old, but he said gruffly, "I used it for more than a month, and it was broken." What is this stuff? " Give me another one! "The clerk patiently explained, but he shouted and said with foul language," You have to give it back to me when I come. Sell or not, it's all birds! Although the shop assistant was reasonable, in order not to let the quarrel continue, he gently said to him, "This kind of rice cooker has been used for some time and there is no quality problem. According to the regulations, it is not refundable. "But you insist on returning it, then sell it to me." Just as he was saving money, the rude male customer blushed. He finally stopped arguing and left quietly. Obviously, the tolerant and expensive way of the clerk has played a very good role. Because it reflects the irrationality and inferiority of the other party, it calmly prevents the expansion of the situation.

Stop arguing, "Forget it, I just want to remind you."

A husband didn't come home one night and sneaked home the next day. His wife complained a few words and the two of them started fighting. Suddenly, the wife said, "Forget it, it's nothing. It is fashionable for men not to go home at night-the only thing I want to remind you is that familiar places still have scenery! " "Although my wife is right, she didn't go to' beat up Reservoir Dogs', but made a few jokes and ended a conflict with dignity.

⑤ Break the deadlock and normalize the diplomatic relations between husband and wife.

Couples quarreling in the cold war, if one is an "indoor" person and the other is an "outdoor" person, so much the better. One is wandering outside, the other is doing his own thing at home. If both of them are "outdoor" figures, then this small family is in danger of three points of turmoil and seven points; If both belong to the category of "indoor type", then life is undoubtedly very uncomfortable. As far as most couples are concerned, no one wants to fight a protracted war in the cold war. The key question is who will take the initiative to break the cold war deadlock. Generally speaking, most of them are men who show weakness first, and some women show weakness first. No matter which side, as long as you don't want the cold war between husband and wife to threaten this family, as long as you have the intention to quickly end the cold war and realize the normalization of "diplomatic relations" between husband and wife, just watch the following tricks.

(1) Don't go too far, leave room for the right.

(2) Invite friends to be guests or ask each other to watch movies, and take the opportunity to chat.

(3) Warm face and cold ass, and offer "hospitality" to each other.

(4) Make a phone call and find an excuse to talk, which can be less embarrassing.

(5) Ask the other party for a small favor to break the deadlock.

(6) Pretending to be sick or uncomfortable. Let the other person care.

In short, there are many ways to break the deadlock, and the feud between husband and wife should be reconciled rather than settled. One of the fundamental points is that, under any circumstances, there should be no bad mentality of giving the other party some color to see, punishing the other party and making him (her) bow his head and plead guilty. It's better to talk properly and be reasonable than the cold war, which is an old experience summed up by many harmonious couples. Once there is no one to mediate for you in the cold war, it is up to the "bell ringers" on both sides to try to solve the silent "bell".

In short, don't be too stubborn, it is your fault that deserves an apology and reconciliation; If you are right, people will eventually admit my correctness and praise your generosity.