Today I read the article "Double Ninth Festival" by literary friend Nangong Chenxiao, and I couldn't stop crying. She wrote that her father was unfortunately diagnosed with terminal cancer when she was a sophomore in college. After surgery and her mother’s careful care for many years, God failed and she lost him.

"When parents are here, there is still a place to come in life; when parents are gone, there is only a way back in life."

In previous articles, I have written a lot of thoughts on death, starting from my experience in 2008 After the earthquake, I initially developed a fear of death and impermanence. Over the years, through relevant books, rich life experiences, and professional practice of Buddhism, I gradually formed a view of death and life that is devoted to death and a life full of life. I also have a deep understanding of death. The fear gradually subsided, and I feel calm now.

After four years of continuous exploration in reading and life in college, I am no longer afraid of my own death, and have accepted its inevitability and randomness. Therefore, I have been living a very free and easy life, constantly striving to get closer to what I love most. The things you do and the life you love most, if you truly feel happy and fulfilled every day you live, there will be nothing to regret when the end and impermanence come at any time.

The first time I felt extremely afraid of my parents’ death was when I read a story by Ruan Ji in 2014. The four most common things Jiang Xun talks about about Ruan Ji are: climbing high and screaming, crying when he is exhausted, falling asleep in front of his friend's wife, and the chapter "Six Lectures on Loneliness" about cultural repression of lust, which inspired me to express my feelings about my parents. A story imagined by death.

When his mother passed away, Ruan Ji didn't cry at all. In the Confucian tradition, not crying is unfilial. Even if you use methods such as stabbing yourself with an awl, you must cry bitterly. Some people who really cannot cry will have to ask the five sons to cry at their graves. During his mother's funeral, all the guests who came to express their condolences burst into tears, but Ruan Ji was indifferent, which attracted criticism from everyone.

However, after the guests had dispersed, his great sorrow suddenly broke out and he vomited blood...

This was exactly how he expressed his sadness. He believes that the death of his mother is his own business, and his grief is his own, rather than being wrapped up in cultural and secular traditions and having to be performed in front of outsiders.

I will never forget the great sadness I felt when I read this story for the first time, especially when I read that when the guests left and only Ruan Ji was left, he was so painful that he vomited blood. I imagined, crying and writing next to it. I couldn't imagine or accept the eternal disappearance of my parents. It's terrible.

At this moment, as I type these words, tears can’t stop flowing.

However, my dad experienced such a terrible thing many years ago. In my memory, he rarely got angry with me, and he almost never got angry with me. The only thing that left a deep impression on me was a scene from elementary school.

One day after lunch he asked me to wash the dishes and then went out. At that time, my grandma moved in with us and she doted on me. She took over all the housework she was willing to let me do, and I still played leisurely as usual. But after a while, he returned home again for some reason. When he came in and saw me leaning on the sofa watching TV while grandma was washing the dishes, he got very angry. He couldn’t remember exactly how he criticized me or whether he beat me. , I remember that it was really serious. I was so frightened that I felt like I was scolded and knelt down. I also cried miserably, the kind of howling. Then I would never dare to be a "little sun" at home again (at that time we My favorite metaphor when writing essays is the "little sun". Only children are surrounded and pampered at home, and I may be an exception).

At that time, my grandfather passed away not long ago, and my father made a special trip to bring my grandmother from my hometown to Shenzhen to live with us, hoping to give her the best companionship and care. I often hear mothers and aunts mention that my father was the "youngest son" who was "spoiled" by his grandparents since he was a child. He was a treasure in the palm of his hand. In the era of the poorest material, the food that the grandparents themselves could not bear to eat had to be kept. Give their beloved Yaoer something to eat when he comes home from school during the holidays.

Soon after, grandma also left. Very sad. At that time, I wrote in my diary, "Grandma also left. From now on, dad no longer has a mom and dad. I must be better to dad."

I also understood very early on what is "the tree wants to be quiet but the wind does not stop; the child wants to be raised but cannot be loved". In the end, I no longer fear my own death because I have formed the habit of living toward death. The outlook on life is to live attentively every day. Do the things that you will feel regretful and extremely unwilling to do before you die, do them one by one as early as possible. It took longer to accept the fact that my parents would eventually leave. I never think about how I can be nice to them when I become very capable in the future. Instead, I express myself in a timely manner within the scope of my current abilities. There will be many things in a person's life, such as ideals, career, romance, creation, wealth, etc., but no matter how many things increase, family members always come first in the priority order of life affairs. In addition to parents, there are also younger brothers, grandmothers, and others. Having a true love and a close friend is the most important thing.

When we were in China, we spent every Spring Festival together at home, and even if we had travel plans, they would always be after the new year. Later I went to work in Shenzhen, Shanghai and other places, and I often made a special trip home during long holidays. Every time I go back, my mother says that by saving the round-trip air tickets, I will have more money to spend in the future. All I think about is that no matter what, I hope to spend some time at home every year. After studying abroad, I went back for a week in 2019. Last year and this year, I haven’t returned yet due to the epidemic and border blockade. But I always care about him in my heart. I often wake up late at night and think of my closest family members, and tears flow silently over and over again.

Father's love is like a mountain, mother's love is like water.

My father is like a mountain, giving me protection, support, solid backing and an eternal harbor. Mom, on the other hand, moistens things silently like water, and her deep love flows through her daily management of life and her careful care of us. They never taught me the truth of life with earnest words, but they taught me by words and deeds.

I have always been free, free and easy, casual and unrestrained. I am not bound by any rules and regulations. I do not change myself for any external judgment. I pursue a simple and happy life, pursue my own definition of life, and pursue my own definition of life in every life. At a major decision-making moment, make the decision yourself after weighing the pros and cons, and take responsibility for it yourself. Being kind and helpful to others is really a habit that has been in my bones since I was a child. Because both my parents are like this.

This reminds me of a scene from elementary school. On weekend mornings, my mother took me to sweep the stairs of the building where we lived, from the highest sixth floor all the way down. The adults and children who went up and downstairs in the early morning would praise me when they saw me, and I would sweep even harder. Sometimes, after sweeping to the first floor, my mother would take me to continue sweeping the road outside the corridor. I would often meet the sanitation uncles and aunts, so my mother would take me with me and continue to sweep the floor while chatting with them.

This picture is really beautiful. Shenzhen is a city where it is not easy for people to feel a sense of belonging. Every time I mention it, I feel affectionate because I live here with such a warm and loving family.

Also during the 2008 earthquake, some victims from the hardest-hit areas moved to our small town, and my mother took me with her to volunteer. Once, after finishing her voluntary work in the tent area of ??the resettlement site, she shed tears silently and told me with choked sobs that she really wanted to adopt an elderly person home and take good care of her.

There are too many such warm and beautiful little things. There are also my ancestors, grandma, and aunts who raised me when I was young. They are also very kind, loving, generous, and sincere and enthusiastic in their dealings with others. Everyone who has come in contact with them praises their conduct. They never said to me in words, you have to be kind and you have to do good deeds; instead, they always did it, and they were influenced by it.

If there are any good qualities in our family, kindness must be a very important trait.

Later, when I met my current boyfriend, I was deeply moved by his kindness at first. His signature on WeChat was, "Kindness is a person's best quality."

My mother later started a new family, and my uncle was also a very generous and loving person. He was well off, but his living standards were very low and he had no particular requirements at all. He only treated my mother, me, and countless strangers. People are extremely generous. Over the years, my uncle has sponsored many students from mountainous areas to go to college. His WeChat signature has never changed, "Kindness is the most precious treasure, which can be used in a lifetime; a conscience can be used for a hundred generations."

There was a time when I fell into the darkest valley and was sad. When I was a child, I changed several cities and schools, transferred schools, and moved several times. I was particularly looking forward to having a home of my own where I could stop the experience of moving around. I shed tears when I listen to "I want to have a home, a place that doesn't need to be big."

Many, many years later, my parents parted ways in life, each living well and living and working in peace. I also settled down with my boyfriend in the distant southern hemisphere. I started to have a lot of houses that I looked forward to as a child without having to move. But for countless late nights, I often wake up crying from my dreams, thinking that what I looked forward to when I was a child is not only a house that I don’t have to move anymore, but also a happy, warm and loving family, with the care and love of my parents. , now there are houses that you can live in in different cities, but there is no home.

These words were never mentioned to them. It took me a long time to get over my own sadness, and I couldn't bear to let them worry and blame themselves.

After all, after asking more questions, what I want most is not that the family must be together neatly. But every family member closest to him is truly happy.

To my parents, I only have deep love and gratitude that I have never expressed in person.

Finally, I end this article by borrowing Nangong Chenxiao’s poetic expression——