First of all, destiny takes a hand.
Xiao Mo always believed that meeting someone was destiny takes a hand. Just like she and Jerry Liau.
The year I met Jerry Liau, Xiao Mo 12 years old.
The weather in early September is still humid and muggy. Xiao Mo stood in the spacious and bright classroom, and the sweat on his face kept flowing downwards.
Students passed by her one by one, and she longed for someone to stand in front of her and hold her hand. Li, I want to be your deskmate.
However, no one stopped in front of her from beginning to end.
Xiao Mo suddenly felt that her eyes were full of warm tears. She still stood there suddenly, like a crane, hanging her head heavily, and a drop of warm liquid fell silently on her cold fingers. Xiao Mo couldn't tell whether it was sweat or tears. She saw her fingers condensed into a lonely posture in the humid air.
When Xiao Mo was most helpless, Jerry Liau appeared in front of her like a hero.
He raised his chin and looked at her, beckoning her to go with him. Then hold her hand in the surprised eyes of the teachers and classmates.
At that moment, Xiao Mo felt that Jerry Liau was like a hero prince in a fairy tale, and she would stay in her life forever. Her life is destined to be dominated by this man. Treacherous to no way back.
In this way, Xiao Mo and Jerry Liau became deskmates. With the days of Jerry Liau, Xiao Mo no longer felt lonely. She is used to Jerry Liau putting hot milk into her hand every morning, to Jerry Liau calling her chubby girl, to Jerry Liau's gentle eyes when she is depressed, and even to Jerry Liau's faint smell of grass.
With Jerry Liau around, Xiao Mo no longer felt like an ugly duckling who was neglected, but a princess who was spoiled by him.
In this way, Xiao Mo and Jerry Liau walked through the fifth grade together.
At the beginning of the sixth grade, the teacher announced in the class that the seats for this semester should be arranged according to the final exam results. Jerry Liau's low score means that they can't sit at the same table anymore.
Xiao Mo was unhappy for several days because of this matter, while Jerry Liau looked carefree and irrelevant.
On the day of changing seats, Xiao Mo finally burst into tears. She said, Jerry Liau, no matter what, you are the best deskmate in my life.
Jerry Liau didn't speak. He picked up his schoolbag and walked to the last row of the classroom. When Xiao Mo looked back at him, their eyes met.
But soon, Jerry Liau stopped looking at her.
Xiao Mo thought this look was too complicated, so complicated that she was too young to understand the real meaning.
Second, meet love
Time always slips through your fingers inadvertently. In a blink of an eye, they have graduated from primary school.
On the first day of junior high school, I saw on the bulletin board: Class 6, 12.
During the summer vacation, Xiao Mo prayed to God countless times, hoping that she could be assigned to the same class as Jerry Liau. However, God didn't hear her prayer after all. She hates God's ruthlessness, but she and Lee will never give in to fate.
So, the next day when Xiao Mo stood proudly in front of Jerry Liau. Jerry Liau first looked surprised and dumbfounded, and then his face began to distort. Li, are you crazy? Why did you run to our class?
Everyone knows that Class 6 is the best class in the grade, while Class 12 is the worst class. For the sake of his old deskmate, Xiao Mo changed from Class 6 to Class 12.
Xiao Mo remembers that for nearly a week, Jerry Liau didn't talk to her or even look at her.
Xiao Mo followed Jerry Liau all weekend. It was already dark, and the moonlight shone quietly on them. Xiao Mo suddenly felt that Jerry Liau seemed to grow a lot taller, and his shadow became longer on the ground. Xiao Mo stepped on it carefully, just like stepping on Jerry Liau. Who told you to ignore me? I will trample you to death. Xiao Mo was only immersed in his secret joy, but he didn't expect to hit a strong chest head-on.
She looked up timidly and saw Jerry Liau's clear and bright eyes.
He said, Li, I lost to you.
Since then, Xiao Mo and Jerry Liau have once again become friends who talk about everything. They go to school together, leave school together and do their homework together.
Xiao Mo thinks that Jerry Liau is the best person in her life. Too good to breathe, too good to help. However, the extreme of being too good is being hurt.
They are 15 years old. Although Xiao Mo is still a shriveled little girl, Jerry Liau has grown into a handsome boy, and some girls from Seeds of Love began to write to him. Xiao Mo looked at these affectionate letters and felt like a cat scratching his heart, which was very unpleasant.
Xiao Mo suddenly discovered that he might be in love with Jerry Liau.
When did it start?
Was that the first time he stood in front of her and motioned for her to go with him? Or when he deliberately made fun of her with her schoolbag? Or did she not understand his eye?
Xiao Mo thinks that for whatever reason, she is really finished this time. Because she has fallen in love with him, very, very much.
After discovering his secret, Xiao Mo decided to tell him like the girls around Jerry Liau.
Planning for a long time, and told her plan to her best friend Wei.
Wei said it was not easy. You're almost there. Tell him.
However, Xiao Mo tried several times and said nothing. Maybe another way, she thought? By the way, call. Xiao Mo remembered that he had told many secrets to Jerry Liau on the phone, and this time he could.
Xiao Mo chose to call Jerry Liau on the weekend night. This time, Xiao Mo was really nervous, so nervous that he opened his mouth, but he couldn't say it. He has just talked with Jerry Liau all over the world.
Xiao Mo was so anxious that he stamped his feet.
Before hanging up, Jerry Liau said, "Xiao Mo, do you have anything to say to me today?" ?
Xiao Mo was surprised. How did you know?
I heard you. I've been at your desk for three years. I know you must have something on your mind today, right?
Little unknown tears suddenly poured out. She cried for Jerry Liau's words, and even more for her own disappointment.
Facts have proved that the failure of Xiao Mo's confession is really the most regrettable thing in her life.
Jerry Liau's parents moved because of work, and Jerry Liau soon transferred to another middle school. Coincidentally, Wei also transferred to a new school for family reasons.
Soon, I learned about my love affair with Wei.
A series of changes and blows plunged Xiao Mo into deep silence. She became as quiet as before. She has never written to Jerry Liau, called or even heard anything about him. She is like a wounded little beast, lying quietly in a dark corner, licking the wound alone, and then leaving time to dry slowly.
Third, Xiao Mo's diary
Without Jerry Liau, Xiao Mo learned to keep a diary.
It was hot on July 5, 2004.
Please give me a new life.
For a forgotten memorial.
To commemorate who is mature, who is sixteen, who is sad and who is simple.
I know the story will end before it begins, but there is no other beginning at the end of the story. Whoever doesn't cherish it, who leaves first, is not betrayal.
Why are you afraid? Endless darkness.
What I missed was fate. Loneliness is in the palm of your hand. I love eternity.
2004 10 +65438 on October 20th.
I'll be right here, waiting for you to return to where you left off. Be there or be square, I am eager to see, the seas run dry and the rocks crumble.
Finally, I found that I can still live alone with myself. No more smiling faces with crying eyes. A heart that is no longer afraid of stopping will stop beating.
If this is the last time I travel with you, I'm sorry I didn't hold your hand tightly.
At the next stop, will someone keep you warm?
The first snow on February 25th, 2004.
When I woke up at noon, it suddenly snowed.
All over the sky, leaving only a cold dust. A life that blooms wantonly is swallowed up by relentless rain and water.
The wound of snowflake gradually melts in the rigid land, so it is impossible to live beyond life. So much for the indifference and sadness in the world.
I'm shivering, cold and scared. I just hope to get through the winter quickly. When the next winter comes, I just hope it is gentle and plain, not so violent and biting.
I didn't believe the truth of snow until I touched its body temperature. I told myself seriously that it was getting closer and closer, so close that my heart was beating.
That winter, it was another winter in a flash.
June 2005 65438+1 October1sunny
Time soon came to the next year, and today last year seemed not long ago.
Time is critical of mediocre people, but not of butterflies that can't fly across the sea.
I don't know if you can still use pure blue ink, just like I still wear only black hair bands.
Jerry Liau, I will definitely bring two pens tomorrow. You should fill me with pure blue and the whole sky.
With eye drops, I won't cry any more.
Butterflies cannot fly over the sea.
Busy silently.
-Excerpt from Diary of a Lonely Man
Two years is neither long nor short. Xiao Mo's diary has two thick copies. This is all Xiao Mo's wealth in Jerry Liau's absence.
Fourth, reproduction.
At the flag-raising ceremony of Grade One, Xiao Mo heard the small voices of two girls behind him.
Look, the boy who raised the national flag is really handsome.
He used to be the school grass of F Middle School, and I heard that he was the lead singer of a band.
Xiao Mo looked along the direction of the flag-raising platform. I saw a tall and straight boy standing in the dazzling sunshine, his face hidden in the light. Xiao Mo opened his eyes wide, but he still couldn't see clearly. However, Xiao Mo felt that this figure was so familiar that it never disappeared from Xiao Mo's mind.
On the way back, Xiao Mo was stopped by a powerful arm. She looked up and this time she finally saw his face. If it wasn't Jerry Liau, who would it be?
Jerry Liau stood in the sun and smiled at her.
Xiao Mo saw that he had the outline of a man, and his figure was taller and more dazzling than before. He has fully grown into a girl's prince, and she is still a Cinderella who has not grown up.
A deep sense of inferiority flooded into Xiao Mo's mind. Time brought Jerry Liau back to her, but it also brought them closer.
Xiao Mo thought, is this the tolerance of fate or another malicious joke?
Verb (abbreviation of verb) meets Liu Ming
As rumored by the outside world, Yang Yi is really the lead singer of a band. Xiao Mo knew that two years later, Jerry Liau gave up his studies and chose his favorite music.
Jerry Liau and his band have performed in this school several times, which caused a great sensation. Xiao Mo has come to like music, or she has been fascinated by Jerry Liau's attentive eyes when she sings.
When the band is rehearsing, Xiao Mo will definitely show up on time and sit in the empty classroom and watch them sing.
I wonder what kind of power it is that can make people persist in desperately, persist in music and persist in seeking fleeting eternity. Just like my feelings for Jerry Liau.
Xiao Mo fell asleep thinking about it.
When I woke up, Xiao Mo found that she was wearing a black coat and turned around to find a boy sitting beside her. Xiao Mo recognized him as a black boy playing guitar in the Jerry Liau band.
Xiao Mo smiled shyly. Sorry, I fell asleep. What about Jerry Liau?
The boy in black said he left early and asked me to stay and take care of you. Are you hungry? Let's go to eat.
The meal was ordinary, but on the way to send Xiao Mo back, the boy in black suddenly said, Li Xiao Mo, shall we be friends?
Xiao Mo agreed without thinking.
The boy in black smiled, I mean, girlfriend.
Huh? Xiao Mo silly in situ.
The boy in black said, I'm in no hurry. You can think about it for a few more days. By the way, my name is Liu Ming.
The boy in black named Liu Ming left, but Xiao Mo was nailed in place. She suddenly realized that Jerry Liau might already know what Liu Ming likes about her. There is not only a Wei between them, but now there is another Liu Ming. Why did fate play such a trick on her?
Xiao Mo buried his head in his hand and cried softly.
Six, it's not the wind, it's the clouds.
On this day, Xiao Mo changed his screen name.
The screen name she saw was not Feng, but me. I thought it was funny, but I appreciated it at the same time, so I had a brainwave and changed my screen name to Yun instead of me. And wrote this passage in his signature:
The wind is blowing gently. The wind is wrapped in a dream, so the wind in the dream doesn't have to stay, and the dream in the wind doesn't have to stay.
It's not the wind, it's me. It's not me, it's the cloud.
Handspring is a cloud, handspring is a wind. The cloud is floating in the broad bosom of the wind, and she is free. The wind is floating in the soft arms of the cloud, and he is free.
The wind is falling and the clouds are falling.
Wherever the wind goes, it takes away the sorrow of the clouds. Following the path of the wind, the clouds will dissipate and the old dreams will flourish.
Xiao Mo felt connected with Jerry Liau for the first time. He is the wind and she is the cloud. Wind is the master of clouds, and clouds are the attachment of the wind.
Xiao Mo, lost in his fantasy, smiled softly.
Seven, break up on Valentine's Day
On Valentine's Day, Xiao Mo met Jerry Liau who was shopping on the anniversary.
Jerry Liau said, Xiao Mo, you came at the right time. I want to buy something for a girl. You help me choose.
Xiao Mo gave Jerry Liau a wry smile. Is it for Wei?
Jerry Liau turned his head and said in surprise, so you know?
Xiao Mo brimmed with inner pain and immediately picked up a diamond bracelet. I know Wei. If you give her this, she will like it.
Jerry Liau said without looking, OK, that's it. Then he turned to look at Xiao Mo. By the way, do you like it? If you like, I'll buy one for you, too.
Xiao Mo suddenly heard the sound of her heart being torn in an instant. She fought back her tears and ran out, followed by Jerry Liau's cries.
Xiao Mo ran over and scolded: "Jerry Liau, you bastard, how can you say you want to give me something to your girlfriend?" ? You really hurt me, you know?
After Valentine's Day, Xiao Mo never spoke to Jerry Liau again. When they met at school, Xiao Mo always had a livid face.
Liu Ming sent many love letters to Xiao Mo, but Xiao Mo threw them away without reading them. Finally, on a sunny afternoon, Xiao Mo met Liu Ming as grim as himself at the school gate.
He said, Li, why didn't you write back to me? Also, why don't you come to our rehearsal these days?
Xiao Mo said, because I don't want to see you.
You guys? Liu Ming seems to react immediately and understand the meaning of Xiao Mo. Xiao Mo, that guy named Jerry Liau just fell in love and was in a bad mood. Don't argue with him.
Lovelorn? Xiao Mo's eyes widened. You mean he broke up with Wei?
Yeah, why didn't you know?
What time?
Looks like valentine's day.
How did this happen? Xiao Mo began to regret his attitude towards him these days.
Liu Ming said, remember to come and see our performance tomorrow. I can't play without you.
Xiao Mo whispered, got it.
In the evening, I dialed Wei's phone in fear and trembling.
I haven't contacted Wei for three years. Xiao Mo thought, not that he forgot this friendship, but that he was afraid to face the embarrassment between three people.
Wei's sweet voice came from the other end of the phone. Xiao Mo held the phone tightly with both hands, and then she said, I'm Xiao Mo.
Wei said, long time no see, I know you will call me.
Xiao Mo said, why?
Wei couldn't help smiling. Because of Jerry Liau, right? In the past, the topic you talked to me was always him and how good he was. That's why I fell in love with him. Isn't that ridiculous?
So you don't love him now?
Xiao Mo, two people can't be together because of love. How much love will be tortured if the personality is out of line.
Xiao Mo didn't speak.
Xiao Mo, forgive me for being selfish three years ago. Now I'll give Jerry Liau back to you. I hope you can seize the opportunity. I have always loved you and Jerry Liau, forever and ever.
Xiao Mo's hand holding the microphone was finally put down gently. She hung up the phone without saying goodbye to Wei.
Didn't tell Wei. In fact, she already knew that she left because she was going to emigrate and would never come back.
Wei is selfish. Three years ago, three years later.
However, Xiao Mo thinks that we have no reason to blame a person who pursues a happy life. However, there is no second person who loves Jerry Liau as much as she does and can give up everything for him.
Is this Jerry Liau's sorrow? Or her, Lee's sadness?
Eight, that year's love letter
The next day, Xiao Mo appeared at the door of the band performance on time. Instead of going in, she leaned against the railing by the door and listened to Jerry Liau singing Jiang Meiqi's love letter in a lonely voice.
Never get back to the beauty of knowing each other and making promises.
Shining on yellow stationery.
It is a symbol of youth poetry.
Don't blame me for watching my heartbeat.
Do you still remember that wonderful time?
Maybe the letter I wrote to you has been lost.
That's good.
You've got what you once lacked elsewhere.
Xiao Mo listened, tears streaming out unconsciously. She is holding a love letter written last night, two thin pieces of paper, but now Xiao Mo feels that it seems to have turned into a thousand pounds, which makes her breathless.
She doesn't know, such a love letter for Jerry Liau, is it too late?
After the performance, Xiao Mo has been following Jerry Liau. She saw the moon secretly smiling and shining evenly on the boy in front. She quietly walked behind him and stepped on his shadow.
Xiao Mo remembered that this scene happened three years ago, and it often appeared in Xiao Mo's dreams for three years. I hope time can stop here, without Wei, without Liu Ming and without any reality.
Why have you been following me? Jerry Liau's words awakened Xiao Mo.
Xiao Mo looked up and saw Jerry Liau's eyes. His eyes are no longer as clear and transparent as Xiao Mo remembered, and there seems to be an indelible sadness.
Xiao Mo reached out and covered her eyes with love letters.
Jerry Liau said, what is this?
Love letter to you, Xiao Mo heard her shortness of breath.
Jerry Liau slowly took the love letter from Xiao Mo, and Xiao Mo saw a trace of anxiety in his sad eyes.
Then she heard the cold voice of Jerry Liau. Please don't do this next time. It's impossible between us.
Why?
Xiao Mo, I'm not who I used to be. Don't love me with your memory.
Memory? Xiao Mo's heart suddenly cooled down. She has no strength to argue with him. In the past six years, there have been many grievances in Xiao Mo. With the last strength in her throat, she said to Jerry Liau, "As a matter of fact, you always knew that I liked you. Say that finish, she threw herself into Jerry Liau's arms and began to cry loudly.
Xiao Mo didn't know when it was, but the moon slipped away quietly. She felt that the world suddenly lost its color. In the dark, Xiao Mo couldn't see Jerry Liau's expression. He just kept silent, just like Xiao Mo, who was 14 years old, held his hand tightly and cried when changing seats. He has been silently watching her cry. Maybe this is all he can give her.
At this time, I just want time to freeze here and never pass. She smelled the faint smell of grass on Jerry Liau again, which made Xiao Mo miss three years, and it would also hinder Xiao Mo's life.
The most painful missing in the world is lying in your arms, but I can't have you.
Nine, the tears of heaven
Last semester of senior three, the school will hold a graduation performance. Xiao Mo, who always likes to show off, took the lead in signing up.
The program prepared by Xiao Mo is a recitation of musical poems. Poetry is "You at the Same Table" written by Xiao Mo for 14 year old Jerry Liau.
There was a flash of innocence.
When the music continues.
Are you still there?
Waiting for pursuit
First of us.
The past days are over.
We should go our separate ways.
You are at my deskmate.
On the road of adhering to the ideal
Please firmly believe
Whatever is wrong.
Only the truth remains.
Accompany your footsteps
Go ahead without fear of difficulties
Autumn night
Became the bright moon on the sea
Only smile in eternity
The background music of the poem is a classic English song "Tears of Heaven", which is translated as "Tears of Heaven". Xiao Mo likes the lyrics very much: If I meet you in heaven, will you know my name &; 63; If I were in He * * * en&63; I know there will be no more tears in heaven.
Xiao Mo listened and cried. She thought how touching it would be if this song was sung from Jerry Liau's mouth. Xiao Mo imagined that she would stand on the brightly lit stage and recite a poem written for him, while he would sing her favorite song softly behind her. What a beautiful picture it will be. Xiao Mo thinks that if they can end up like this, it's nothing for her.
A relationship doesn't have to have a happy ending, as long as there is a moment that people can remember for a lifetime, it is also a kind of happiness.
However, to Xiao Mo's surprise, Jerry Liau didn't even give her this tiny memory, and he refused to play this piece for her. Xiao Mo looked at him stupefied, and she was once again pushed into the abyss by him. However, this time Xiao Mo didn't cry, and her tears may have dried up for him.
At this moment, Xiao Mo's heart finally calmed down, which made her a little scared. She watched Jerry Liau's eyes fade away, leaving only a shadow.
Ten, a person's amnesia
Is it true that any relationship will develop in the opposite direction when it comes to an end?
Xiao Mo vaguely felt some subtle changes between her and Jerry Liau. The eyes that have been trying to avoid finally stopped dodging.
It is Xiao Mo who sits with Jerry Liau in the computer class. Many days four years ago, they also sat together like today, chatting with the blackboard until dark, laughing and playing, in the age of innocence.
Now, Xiao Mo once again tries to find that feeling on the double table in the last row of the classroom, but everything is so strange and far away.
Xiao Mo thinks they really can't go back. He is still there. He didn't disappear. It's just a matter of time. She kept him with her life, but forgot that he was the wind, that he was free, and that his belief in the wind was a far-reaching and broad destination. And she is just a cloud he passed by.
However, Xiao Mo thought that he had loved after all. Although that's just her business.
Love can sometimes be a person's business. A person loves quietly and then forgets quietly.
All she has to do is learn to lose her memory.
XI。 Some kind of truth
When Xiao Mo was 22 years old, she came across a new book by a wandering singer in the bookstore. The title of this book is Ten Years of Solitude.
When I first saw the title of this book, Xiao Mo trembled all over, and the face she tried to forget immediately came to her mind.
She has known him for ten years. In the dead of night, she can still recall his smile, his eyes and his breath.
She failed to forget him after all. No matter how cold and cold she becomes, he is still the softest corner in her heart, and she can't touch it with tears.
Xiao Mo opened the book and her name was printed on all the pages.
After many years, he finally recalled his love when he was young in the book. She doesn't know the truth, slowly overflow in his pen:
12 years old. When he first saw her, she stood there like a crane. He said to himself, Li, it turns out that we are all lonely children. However, he wanted to give her warmth.
13 years old. The teacher separated them. He watched her cry loudly in front of him, and he began to understand that there was a distance between them, and he was doomed not to make her happy.
The last thing he gave her was inferiority complex.
14 years old. When she gave up her excellent study conditions and transferred to his class, he began to hate himself, hating that he had brought her trouble, and he began to look for every opportunity to leave her.
15 years old. She has been writing to him without interruption. He knew that it would also distract her attention and hinder her normal study. In order to make her give up completely, he chose to be with her good friend.
17 years old. He thought she had forgotten him, but he was always immersed in his thoughts of her. Finally, he impulsively returned to her side. He told himself that he just wanted to see her again and let him stay with her for another three years, which was enough.
18 years old. She confessed to him, but he refused coldly. She fell into his arms and began to cry loudly. He wants to tear up the whole world and take her away. But he doesn't have this ability. He told himself that they couldn't be together. She will have a bright future, a decent job and a happy family. With him, she will just do nothing and wander around.
At that moment, his heart was broken and he could never make up for it.
19 years old. He refused to play Tears of Heaven for her, because playing this song in front of her, he couldn't hide his vulnerability. He saw the last glimmer of hope in her eyes fade away, and he knew that she already hated him.
He plays her favorite songs over and over again on sleepless nights, and he will say sorry to her every time. He apologized to her too much. He told himself that he could never fall in love with her in his life. If I meet her in heaven in my next life, he will never make her cry again.
At the age of 20. He learned that she had been admitted to a famous university, and he knew that his efforts were worth it after all. He said to her in his heart, Li, good job.
And he, too, will leave safely, and life has become a aimless drift for him.
But he has always believed that love can sometimes be a person's business, a person quietly loves, and then quietly forgets. One can also love forever.
Little lonely tears streaming down, hitting the yellow pages, rustling.
There are always too many unexpected accidents in life. However, the truth always comes too late, but the story has already taken shape.
Xiao Mo lay in bed, listening to the rain outside the window. The sound of rain beating on the glass. She closed her eyes. Seeing a bright moon in the deserted wilderness, the whole pine forest transpiration fragrance in the moonlight, and he came to her with a smile in the forest. That summer, an inch of white clothes were still fluttering in the wind. He raised a fragile face in the moonlight, smelled of grass, and tears slipped quietly in the dark. ...
She looked at him, so close and so far away. Unknown fate, ruthlessly cross in it. At this moment, Xiao Mo seemed to understand the meaning of life, soul and eternity, and all his rebellions and struggles had been put down.
The love that once made her cry like that, in retrospect, is like a dream.