1. Similar personality and complementary personality are both conducive to the development of love

Psychologically speaking, personality is a person's attitude towards reality and the habitual behavior that adapts to it. Personality is the most important aspect of personality psychological characteristics, which is manifested through people's tendentious attitude, will, activity, speech, appearance and so on.

There is no denying that if two strangers can realize their similarity, they will be attracted to each other easily, and the more similar they are, the more attracted they will be to each other, resulting in intimacy. Social psychologist Cole and others have found that a person's best friend is very similar to them in terms of education level, economic conditions and social value, that is, the so-called door-to-door relationship. This feeling of blending, absorbing and getting along with each other will make people appreciate themselves more and play a positive role in strengthening themselves. Similar people tend to form a group together, and people living in this group can gain a stronger sense of security and belonging.

In order to prove the effectiveness of the "similarity principle", Newham, an American psychologist, once conducted a famous psychological experiment. He let 17 college students who didn't know each other live in a dormitory, and conducted a four-month follow-up investigation on their emotional change process. The experimental results show that at the beginning of acquaintance, the distance of space determines the closeness of each other; However, in the later stage of the experiment, those who are similar in beliefs, values and personality qualities became inseparable friends at the end of the study.

Different from "similarity", Jung, a famous psychologist, thinks that "complementary law" also greatly affects interpersonal communication. He believes that everyone has two different personalities: "overt" and "covert" (shadow), that is to say, a very lively person actually hides a depressed side; And a very quiet person may become restless. Therefore, when we meet a person with our "shadow personality", we will feel excited and happy inside, because the other person embodies the qualities we lack or suppress. This kind of psychology is called the law of complementarity, which means that people have differences in needs, personalities, interests, abilities, ideas and concepts. When the needs and ways of satisfaction of both sides just become complementary, they will be more attractive to each other. In intimate relationships, it is common for lovers to match such as: dominant and submissive people, enthusiastic and talkative people and melancholy and quiet people, grumpy people and stable and quiet people. Research shows that complementary factors enhance interpersonal attraction, make the relationship between the two sides more coordinated and meet each other's needs.

Second, the decline of love is not entirely due to personality problems

To sum up, we found that the original personality similarity and complementary personality are conducive to the development of love, so the reason for breaking up with "personality problems" is purely nonsense? Not really.

For people with similar personalities, at first, the familiarity and recognition between the two sides due to the sense of "heart-to-heart" will lead to aesthetic fatigue and retreat from passion after a long time. People with complementary personalities get along with each other for a long time, and the differences between the two sides become more and more obvious. Once one side no longer meets the complementary needs of the other side, it will expose the problems that existed originally but were not realized by both sides, and the quarrels and contradictions are increasing day by day, which will hurt each other more.

obviously, it is not a sufficient and necessary condition between personality problems and long-term love, that is to say, you may fall in love with a person because of his personality, or you may hate him because of his personality in the process of getting along later. So you see, love is not completely blind, but it is unreasonable enough.

since it's not entirely because of personality, what else will make love fade away?

From a physiological point of view, love is a substance naturally secreted by the human body, which we call "love substances", such as phenylethylamine, dopamine and endorphins. Studies have shown that the secretion of these love substances can make men and women love each other. Dopamine, for example, can erupt during the love period, transmitting information such as lust, infatuation, excitement and pleasure, which makes people feel happy and addicted, but they are not endless and usually last for one and a half to three years. With the decrease and disappearance of dopamine, passion becomes calm.

when dopamine is calm, how can we maintain our love?

Third, the love needs of both sides can support a long-term relationship

It doesn't matter whether you choose a person who is similar or complementary to your own personality, because choosing a person is only the beginning of love, and you need to constantly adjust and adjust in the future. Physiology also tells us that there is no eternal passion for love, and everything is a cloud. Finding the love needs of the other party is king, and matching can support a long-term relationship.

Men and women are two completely different organisms, and their understanding and needs for love are also different. American psychologists believe that men and women have six basic love needs respectively-men's needs include trust, acceptance, gratitude, praise, recognition and encouragement; Women include care, understanding, respect, loyalty, consideration and comfort. This is not to say that men and women only need these six kinds, and women's basic love needs are equally important to men, but for women, her basic needs can bring greater happiness. In other words, every man and woman needs the above 12 forms of love.

For example, when a woman loves a man deeply, she may think of him in every detail and ask him about his big and small things. Women think that this is caring, but for men, he feels that he is not trusted, controlled by women all the time, and loses his freedom, so he resists angrily. Another example is: on Valentine's Day, birthdays or anniversaries, men carefully choose gifts for women, which will undoubtedly greatly meet women's need for respect and recognition, and she will feel considerate and gentle from men; When women express gratitude to men for this action, men can also get happiness from it, thus strengthening this behavior pattern and making men willing to please women.

So, to get to the point, we find that it is not a big problem that "love should find similar or complementary personalities". The key is what kind of relationship you decide to start, what kind of love life you can accept in the future, and how the two sides will meet each other's love needs. People with similar personalities will have relatively stable relationships and living conditions, and may see the development trend in the next five or ten years from today without much change or surprise; However, some people may not accept this dull state. They are more willing to challenge the contrast and need the stimulation of uncertainty, so as to ensure that their feelings can always be fresh. Even when they are white-haired, they can still have a small quarrel for two days and a big quarrel for three days, and they are ready to pack up and run away from home at any time.

Similarly, there is no once-and-for-all love model. Even if both parties love each other, this love is not easy. Love is a process, in which both parties should gradually enhance their understanding, narrow their distance and integrate into each other's lives. After all, it's a miracle to meet someone who loves you in a sea of thousands of people in Qian Qian, neither earlier nor later. To love him is to continue this magic with your actions and life.