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Collecting the latest funny jokes

Absolutely funny `I have been collecting "Jiyu classics" for a long time

My collection...

1. Money is not the problem, the problem is lack of money.

2. Diamonds are forever, but one will go bankrupt.

3. Water can carry a boat and cook porridge.

4. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless there is one male and one female.

5. Fire can test gold, gold can test women, and women can test men.

6. The person burning incense is not necessarily a monk, but may also be a panda.

1. If a tree doesn’t want its bark, it will surely die; if a person has no shame, it will be invincible

2. If you are cool, you will be cool, and you will have the chastity of being cool; if you are humble, you will be humble, and if you are humble, you will have dignity.

3. Make your debut at the age of 0, and make progress every day at the age of 10. At the age of 20, you have lofty ideals; at the age of 30, you work hard to become stronger. At the age of 40, you are basically oriented, and at the age of 50, you will be popular everywhere. Play mahjong when you are 60 years old, and hang out everywhere when you are 70 years old. 80-year-old Lala's homely life, 90-year-old hanging on the wall!

4. When you were born, you cried and everyone smiled; when you left, you smiled and everyone cried

5. Stand taller and pee farther

6. In a few decades, we will meet and be sent to the crematorium to be burned into ashes. You will be in a pile, and I will be in a pile. No one knew anyone, and they were all sent to the countryside to make fertilizer.

7. I met a girl with a personalized signature: She doesn’t know how to play chess, calligraphy and painting, but is tired of doing laundry and cooking.

8. Encountered a GG personalized signature: Give me a girl and I can create a nation.

9. When I met an old Shaanxi man, his signature was: Ugly women tend to cause mischief, and black buns tend to contain vegetables.

10. Personalized signature of our teacher when you meet him: Let me tell you that the teacher is very angry now, and the consequences will be very serious (after his Nth blind date failed).

11. Encountering a writer’s signature: It may seem like it, but it may not necessarily be the case.

12. Personalized signature of a love saint: What you have said does not count, the person you like changes every day.

13. When you meet the sleeping king in the class, his signature is: three full meals in the morning, noon and evening, and six empty stomachs before and after meals

14. I wish to be a winged bird in the sky, and on the ground I would like to be a pig in the same pen!

15. Don’t worry, I’ve lost my appetite when I see you, so what’s the point of talking about sexual desire!

16. Five horses torn into pieces—don’t you want a piece? ?

17. I think I would like the morning if it came later.

18. I can’t give you happiness, but I can give you comfort!

19. Life is so damn fun, because life keeps playing tricks on me.

20. Buddha said: "It takes 500 looks back in the past life to get one pass in this life." I would rather exchange one pass in the next life in exchange for 500 looks back in this life.

21. I want to fall in love early, but it’s too late...

22. Oh my god! My clothes are thin again

23. Don’t be with me in the future Can you speak English in front of me?

24. Get away from me as far as your thoughts go

25. The hooligans are not scary, but the hooligans are educated.

26. Guests, please respect yourself. This little girl only sells herself but not her art.

27. A man’s lies can deceive a woman for a night, and a woman’s lies can deceive a man for a lifetime!

28. Water can carry a boat and cook porridge!

29. The master said on the river: "It would be great to have a boat!"

30. We are looking for little girls, and we will come with you to fill the water; I will fill the head of the Yangtze River, and you will fill the tail of the Yangtze River.

31. Love at first sight, then fades, and then exhausts.

32. A person is not lonely, he is lonely only when he wants to be alone

33. Life is easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy.

34. Work QQ, no small talk, if you want to force a chat, it will cost you 50 cents per word; punctuation marks, half price, for more than 1,000 words, 20% off; emoticons and pictures, ten yuan per month, voice and video, not available yet Activation; make payment first and then chat, chat as soon as payment is received, pay online, provide invoice; no monthly rent payment, individual charges, holidays and weekends, business as usual; agents are wanted,

35. If there is a problem first, Find the cause within yourself, and don’t blame the earth’s lack of gravity for constipation.

36. Knit me a scarf and I am willing to repay you with my lifelong care. Otherwise, just strangle me with a scarf!

37. Men pretend to understand when they don’t understand, but women do the opposite

38. In order to cooperate with this year’s family planning work in China Successfully completed, I decided not to have contact with friends of the opposite sex for the time being, thank you for your cooperation

39. The garden is full of spring scenery and I can't keep it in, so I pulled Hongxing out of the wall.

40. Do you think I will watch you die? I will close my eyes

41. I thought I was decadent, but today I realized that I had already scrapped.

42. I drink to drown the pain, but this damn pain has learned to swim.

43. Others are pretending to be serious, so I can only pretend to be unserious.

44. An elephant asked a camel: ‘Why do your breasts grow on your back? ’ The camel said: ‘Stay away, I won’t talk to a thing with a penis on its face!

45. You have to do three major things for the people of the country: install an elevator on Mount Everest, put tiles on the Great Wall, and install a reverse gear on the airplane. Three little things: Wear a mask for mosquitoes, gloves for flies, and condoms for cockroaches

46. My wife is the operating system, and it is very troublesome to install and uninstall it; my secret is the desktop, as long as you are interested, you can Change it every day; Your lover is the Internet, you can enjoy unlimited glory and keep spending money; Your lady is pirated software, remember to kill the virus first before using it!

47. Have you heard of it? It took 5,000 times of looking back in the past life to pass us by in this life. We are good friends like us in this life, but in the past life... we didn't do anything, we just looked back!

48. I am only 20 years old. I am loved by everyone, flowers bloom when I see them, and I get flat tires when I see cars! He knows astronomy and geography from above, but trivial matters from below. Every time he goes out for a walk, he often makes beautiful women turn around and handsome men jump off buildings!

49. I want to give you roses, but the price is too expensive; I want to give you comfort, but I haven’t learned how yet; I want to kneel down for you, but the ring is still in the safe.

50. My love is empty and my love is empty, and I am wandering in the street; my life is empty and my money is empty, and I am single and working hard; my career is empty and my career is empty, and I go crazy just thinking about it; my mobile phone is empty and I have no money to recharge, and life is not easy under pressure. ; In short, all four are empty.

60. If you don’t fart, it will hurt your heart; if you don’t fart, squeeze hard and exercise; if I want to fart, please pay attention; when the fart makes a sound, everyone applauds!

61. Copy books, make sentences and write essays - adults do the children's things. Floating across the sea of ??love in search of a close friend - children do what adults do. Perm your hair, wear floral clothes - women's things are done by men.

62. The early bird catches the worm! The early bird catches the worm!

63. I was arguing with a girl about whether whales are fish. Finally, I said, "Japanese people also have personal characters," and she agreed that whales are not fish.

64. I heard that women like Clothes, brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I actually ran around naked for 20 years!

65. Wear other people’s shoes, go your own way, and let them find it.

66. There is an old legend that says that people who see beautiful women on XX campus will live forever...

67. Don’t be afraid of enemies like tigers, just be afraid of them. Teammates like pigs!

68. If the water is extremely clear, there will be no fish; if the people are extremely humble, they will be invincible!

69. I am not a casual person. When I am casual, I am not a human being.

70. Today a group of Japanese people came to visit our school - to be honest, this is the first time I have seen Japanese people wearing clothes!

71. I am very poor, my servant is also very poor, my gardener is also very poor, my driver is also very poor...

72. The bank said when charging: "This is in line with international practice!" The service said: "China's national conditions must be considered!"

73. The person riding the white horse is not necessarily a prince, he may be Tang Monk; the one with wings is not necessarily an angel, he Maybe it’s a birdman

74. Being pregnant is like being pregnant, it takes a long time for people to see it

79. I swallowed an aphrodisiac and the world immediately became sexy~

80. If falling in love is just falling in love, wouldn’t that be a hooligan?

81. The sentence "____people are people" belongs to: A. metaphor; B. exaggeration; C. metonymy; D. personification.

82. Grandpas are descended from grandsons...

85. If they are all water, why bother pretending to be alcohol? If they are all perverts, why bother pretending to be sheep!

86. All unforgettable love is the moment when the soul floats on the bed~

87. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles said: "If you want to live a good life, you must have a little green on your back!"

88. I raped the earth when I slept on my stomach, and raped the entire universe when I slept on my back!

90. When day turns night on the bed again, the sun is born...

91. There are only two types of men: one is lustful and the other The kind is very lustful!

91. ①Master, please forgive me... ②I'm rude, it's your turn~ ③Master, please spare me! ④Anita Buddha, I can’t ejaculate -_-b

94. Life has raped me, I have castrated life...

95. According to the time of hormonal activity The rule leads to the conclusion: morning exercise is not as good as morning exercise!

96. God, did you let summer and winter have the same room? What a hell of a weather!

97. Don’t hang yourself on a tree, try to hang yourself on several nearby trees~

98. Ma Huateng said privately: “I have learned Chinese for ten years and there is nothing to talk about. QQ works well after half a year! ”

99. Keep half of it when you defecate, so as not to get hungry~

102. Regarding the romantic fairy tales that men tell women, the end result is But it revolves around one word: bed

103. It is normal to eat the metal wire used to clean the pot during breakfast. This shows that our logistics strictly follows the order of cleaning the pot first and then cooking...

104. Pixing Daiyue goes to work, and thousands of lights come home!

105. When paying wages, the accountant said to me: "You should get your salary once every six months. The change is too little now..."

106. There are four types of income: Crazy work No, the more you work, the less you get. The less you work, the more you get. The less you work, the more you get. Fortunately, I am the second type!

107. My face is so clean that flies would be killed if they lay there. The sad thing is that my pocket is cleaner than my face...

108. My income is like the cashier's account - daily settlement and monthly settlement, the accountant's report - balance of payments, and the physical education teacher's timer - Return to zero after use, and the autumn wind sweeps away the remaining fallen leaves—a few pictures!

109. If you can’t find a dinosaur, use a lizard!

110. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease a man. Men often use one QQ account to fill it with all kinds of women...

111. Men can be romantic but It cannot be obscene. Women can be romantic but not have abortions!

112. The best way to make a man cherish you is to let him never get it. The best way to make a woman cherish you is to constantly satisfy her!

113. It was the woman who was refused at first, but it was the woman who was eager to get it later!

114. Love is like a man’s sponge, destined not to last long!

115. It’s not difficult to have a wet hand, but the difficulty is to have a wet quilt!

116. If you love me, please raise your hands; if you don’t love me, please stand on your head!

117. For the enemy, fight him from the battlefield to the cemetery; for women, He must fight her from the road to the bed; for his family, he must fight him from his mouth to his heart!

118. Grandpa said: "Jay Chou must be a good monk when he becomes a monk, because the sutras he recited are so nice..."

119. When I was a child, I was a genius. After years of socialist education, he was finally successfully cultivated into a mediocre person!

120. I want to play rock-paper-scissors with Doraemon, and I must make him lose everything! ! !

121. If you win 5 million, except for your parents, everyone else will be exchanged!

122. If love cannot connect, the heart will move; therefore, if love cannot move easily, the heart will always be connected!

123. Sing the national anthem and rob a bank!

124. ____ is from China, and you are mine!

125. When mice show their power, everyone becomes a sick cat.

126. I was arguing with a girl about whether whales are fish. Finally, I said, "Japanese people also have personal characters," and she finally agreed that whales are not fish.

127. There was gold under the man’s knee. I cut off the entire leg and couldn’t even find a piece of copper!

128. I bury corn in the soil in spring, and I will harvest a lot of corn in autumn. In the spring I bury my wife in the soil, and in the fall I will... be shot!

129. If you see the shadow in front of you, don’t be afraid, it’s because there is sunshine behind you!

130. If you are still young after visiting brothels, please use Huiren Shenbao.

131. Just listen to your words and save me ten books!

132. "Dear, I... I am pregnant... for three months, but don't worry, it is not yours, and you are not responsible..."

133. We have a little problem Small differences: She wants me to turn dirt into gold, and I want her to treat gold like dirt.

134. I was lazy in bed in the morning, so I took out 6 coins from my pocket: If all six are heads, I will go to class! After thinking for a long time, I decided not to take the risk...

135. I bought a Western Zhou clay pot for 80,000 yuan. Yesterday I went to the "Treasure Appraisal" column for appraisal. The expert said seriously : "How is this from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week!"

136. I can tolerate fake figures, fake faces, fake breasts, and fake buttocks! ! ! But I just don’t tolerate fake money! ! ! !

137. A scholar pretends to be dead to be a confidant, and a woman undergoes plastic surgery to please a confidant.

138. When you grow up, you want to marry Tang Seng. If you can play with him, you can play with him; if you can't, you can eat him.

139. Don’t wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.

140. If my friends can sell them for five yuan each, I can make a small fortune.

141. Marriage notice: The requirements are as follows, A is alive and B is female.

142. Give me some sunshine and I will rot.

143. You must eat appropriately to lose weight effectively.

144. Shake and shake until you reach Naihe Bridge.

145. Destiny is responsible for shuffling the cards, but it is ourselves who play the cards!

146. Question: What do you like about me? Answer: I like you to stay away from me!

147. Come back quickly, I can’t fool you!

148. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth. You never know who will be unlucky next~~~

149. If you fall, get up and cry again~~~

150. Apart from teeth, there is also love that is difficult to extricate oneself from in the world.

151. A dinosaur went to the toilet when passing by Xi'an Jiaotong University. When she came out, she sobbed: "555, I finally have no worries about not being able to get married in this life..."

152. Life is easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy.

153. My cousin is in his forties. He started studying literature and failed the exam for three consecutive years. Then he practiced martial arts and fired an arrow in the martial arts field, which hit the drummer and drove him out. He changed his studies to medicine, wrote a good prescription, took it, and died.

154. Asking you how much sorrow you can have is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel...

155. My life has a limit, and my food has no limit~~~

< p>156. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage, or money!

157. When we are young, we often make faces in the mirror; when we are old, the mirror is even.

158. Are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw a stone at my head!

159. Make decisions with a pat on the head, make promises with a pat on the chest, and leave with a pat on the butt.

160. We are moving too fast, and our souls can’t keep up...

161. Don’t be like the people on earth~~~

162. Girls It only takes one time to transform from a virgin to a woman, but it takes repeated training for a boy to transform from a virgin to a man!

163. If you come out to hang out, your wife will have to change sooner or later!

164. When I was a child, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized that the whole world could not save me...

165. The rich are all uncles ! But it’s even worse if you don’t pay back the money you owe!

166. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.

167. Why sleep for a long time while alive? You will sleep forever after death...

168. A tailor who does not want to be a cook is not a good driver.

169. Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately - in the end he killed all his students.

170. On the way to Xi'an on a business trip, a Dalian man boasted about how great Dalian is, and then said that a grand celebration was held on the 100th anniversary of Dalian's founding, and so on, and then asked 171 , a person next to me: "Are there any celebrations for the 100th anniversary of the founding of Xi'an?" Several Xi'an buddies nearby were stunned, and after a while, they forced out a sentence: "I remember that there was a celebration in the 600th anniversary of the founding of Xi'an. 'Beacon fire plays the princes'..."

172. On the harmonious campus, the person riding the bicycle may be a doctoral supervisor, while the person driving the Mercedes-Benz may be a logistics person...

173. Yes Gold will always be spent; it is a mirror, it will always reflect light...

174. The reason my girlfriend is not a nun is because she has not passed the fourth level and the nunnery will not accept her.

175. Celebrities can become more famous if they take off a little more, but I was arrested even though I took off all my clothes!

176. Looking at a pretty girl, I have no idea how to strike up a conversation. I pick up a brick on the side of the road and step forward, "Classmate, did you drop this?"

177. When I was young, my dream was not to be a scientist. I imagined that I was a young master from a landlord's family. My family owned thousands of hectares of fertile land. I had no knowledge and skills all day long. When I had nothing to do, I led a group of dog slaves to the streets to tease young girls from good families...

< p>178. Don’t talk about your ideals with me, quit it!

179. The rose is yours, the chocolate is yours, and the diamond is yours.

You are mine!

180. The so-called surprise is when the rabbit you have been waiting for comes, followed by the wolf!

181. What is blessing? Happiness is when cats eat fish, dogs eat meat, and Ultraman fights little monsters!

182. Two farmers boasted: "The chickens on our farm eat tea and lay tea eggs." ”

183. Cockroaches are no longer afraid of cockroach poison, but we can’t even get vitamins!

184. Don’t blame the dog for following you if you look like a bun!

185. A man’s IQ when cheating is second only to Einstein!

186. Study hard for China! A bag of Chinese money is a lot of money...

187. If you can't put your woman into a wedding dress, then don't stop unbuttoning her clothes!

188. Don’t think that wearing dirty clothes can be a tainted witness; don’t think that wearing wooden slippers can be a clogs witness...

189. The cause belongs to the country, and the honor belongs to the unit Yes, the results belong to the leader, the salary belongs to the wife, the property belongs to the children, and the mistakes belong to oneself.

190. The rebirth of a phoenix is ??nirvana, and the rebirth of a pheasant is the transformation of a corpse.

191. If one day I become a gangster, please tell others that I was innocent...

192. I not only have a car, but also a bicycle...

< p>193. I accidentally saw in a book the so-called criteria for choosing a mate for contemporary women: "Have a car, a house, and both parents are dead." I was depressed. Then he wrote down the criteria for choosing a wife in his fantasy: "The family has a fortune of over 100 million, the most beautiful in the world, virtuous, gentle and sexy, and the father-in-law has terminal cancer..."

194. Most people only do three things in their lives: Deceive yourself, deceive others, and be deceived by others.

195. Sleep is an art - no one can stop me from pursuing art!

196. In order to avoid domestic violence, I decided not to get married!

197. You can live like a pig, but you can never be as happy as a pig!

198. A thunderbolt is too fast to deceive one's ears and steal a bell. One can remain unchanged despite all changes and never deviate from one's origins. Success is of no concern. This thing is the most missed. In the wind and rain, how can one sweep the whole house without sweeping the invincible? The sun rises in the east and the rain keeps falling in the west. , When will it be possible to look up at the bright moon, be as dumb as a tree and use chicken feathers to order arrows, try to kill a chicken with a sledgehammer, show your sharpness in spring, encircle Wei to save Zhao Baokui, very good bye, eight-grid Yalu Binghua, leap thousands of miles *** Chanjuan...

199. A blog diary of a certain woman: On a certain day of a certain month, I came home drunk, reached out and touched it - my phone and chastity were both there, and I was sleeping!

200. The beautiful, pure, gentle, sexy and lovely virgin is like a ghost. Men are talking about it, but no one has ever seen it with their own eyes...

201. I remember my primary school teacher scolded me: "I'll kick you out with a slap!" I wanted to laugh but didn't dare. Now, I dare to laugh but I can’t laugh...

202. If happiness is like clouds, if pain is like stars. Then my life is really cloudless and the sky is filled with stars...

203. The effect of contraception: If it fails, you will become a "human".

204. Loneliness is the carnival of one person, and carnival is the loneliness of a group of people.

205. The most tiring thing in the world is to watch your heart break and have to glue it back together yourself.

206. The tragedy of life is that after a night of hard work and beautiful dreams, you can’t remember them all when you wake up the next morning!

207. My father asked me what I want to pursue in life? I answered money and beauty, and my father slapped me in the face fiercely; I answered career and love, and my father touched my head appreciatively.

208. Men are all lustful. Those with a little stronger lust are called perverts, those with stronger lust are called perverts, and those with stronger lust are called perverts. If they are especially strong, they become perverted perverts. Those who are lustful to the extreme are called perverts. Anthropology artist.

209. I remember one day shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a text message: "Let's break up!" Before I had time to feel sad, my girlfriend sent another text: "I'm sorry, I sent it to the wrong person." "I feel completely sad now...

210. Urination and defecation are prohibited here, and tools will be confiscated for violators.

211. When looking at beautiful women on the street, if you look high, you are appreciative; if you look low, you are a gangster.

212. My dear, we still have a lot to do in this life. Don’t waste time playing hide-and-seek with me. Come out quickly~~~

213. Women I like two flowers in my life: one is to spend it when you have money, and the other is to spend it as much as possible!

214. An instant hit - describes female artists...

215. This world is unfair because God said: "I want light!" So there was daylight . The beauty said: "I want a diamond ring!" So she got a diamond ring. The rich man said: "I want a woman!" So he got a woman.

I said, "I want to take a shower!" The water stopped!

216. I really don’t understand that girls buy a lot of beautiful clothes just to attract boys’ attention, but what boys want to see is girls without clothes.