Buy bread
A white rabbit went to the bakery happily and said, Uncle, do you have 100 buns? Uncle replied: Sorry, we don't have that much ~ The next day, the little white rabbit came to the bakery and said: Uncle, do you have 100 buns? Uncle replied: Sorry, we don't have that much ~ On the third day, the little white rabbit came to the bakery and said: Uncle, do you have 100 buns? Uncle replied: great ~! We worked overtime all night and made 100 buns ~ ~! The little white rabbit happily took out the money and said, great, I want two!
Animal classic jokes
Two frogs fell in love. After they got married, they gave birth to a clam. The male frog was furious and said, bitch, what's the matter? The mother frog cried and said, Dad, I had plastic surgery before I met you.
Xiao Lv asked the old donkey: Why do we eat hay every day? The old donkey sighed: We can't compete with others. We eat by running errands, while others eat by their breasts!
Ducks and crabs race to the finish line together, and it is difficult to tell the winner. The referee said, why don't you have scissors, stones and cloth? Duck is furious: Shit, are you calculating me? When I make cloth, he always uses scissors.
The dog said to the bear, marry me and you will be happy. The bear said, I won't marry. If I marry you, I will only have a bear. If I marry a cat, I will have a panda. That would be noble!
The old turtle molested the mussel and was bitten. The old turtle dragged the mussels back and forth reluctantly. The frog saw it and said enviously, dear, Brother Tortoise has grown up and has a briefcase in and out.
Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: people at least have their own house, unlike you who live in a dormitory.
1. Once a second-class bus, a BMW passed by, and a tall man next to it said to the people around him, "Look, that's IBM."
2. A friend of mine is an intern in Unicom. One day, an old man came up and said, "Can I have a mobile card?" Then the friend said without looking up, "Master, someone is coming to smash the venue!" " "
3. Colleagues may be nervous when they meet customers. As soon as they opened their mouths, they said, "Hello, Miss Liu, what's your name?" Sweating.
4. In the past, the geography teacher was a man, which was particularly violent. Whoever talks and is distracted is punched, but he didn't hit the girl. A new girl doesn't know equality between men and women. Once, she stole cartoons in class, was found by the geography teacher, and came forward without warning. The girl turned pale with fear and shouted: indecent assault. Our geography teacher waterfall Khan.
On a windy day, the bicycle fell down one after another. I only heard a classmate say: whose Mercedes ran over my BMW while helping the bicycle?
1 One day in the sky and one year on the ground; Eating a cigarette in the sky is seven or eight days on earth.
The college entrance examination filled in three volunteers. The first two are Tsinghua Peking University. I waited eagerly at home for a month and didn't wait for the admission notice. I guess the Tsinghua Admissions Team missed my name, and the notice of Peking University was lost by the postman on the way.
Wow, it's rare for you to grow such a mature face before you are twenty years old. You will definitely become a pillar of the motherland in the future.
He who is not afraid to look for bones in eggs is afraid that he must look for eggs in bones.
Although I can't ask my parents to drive me to college in my life, I must send my son to college in 20 damn years.
Brother, I am a man who has killed people, spared too much, served as a soldier, been in prison, traveled privately, sold drugs, stole taxes and took advantage of them. What dare I do? Do anything for my brother, no matter how tall his building is, close your eyes and jump.
Seven, four, three, big monkey, just waiting for you.
I was a gifted scholar in my class in high school. I am proficient in piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, and I listen to others play the piano on TV. Chess, watching people play chess on TV; Books, reading novels in class; Painting and doodling on the desk after class are the most important people in the school.
You can call me an animal, but you can't call me shameless. Animals have dignity.
10 If you don't believe me, you just don't believe in science. If you are against me, you are only against people.
1 1 Look at those stars. Thirty is more beautiful than twenty, and forty is more beautiful than thirty. That is, the longer the more beautiful. Therefore, I believe that I may become handsome in the next twenty years. For so many years, before going to bed every night, I firmly believe that I will become more handsome when I wake up the next morning, but every time I wait until the next morning, I am always disappointed. In the past twenty years, constant disappointment has led to constant hope. Now I finally understand that a flawless face like mine is hard to surpass.
12 now that science is so developed, a man cuts him off with a knife and rubs his chest up, and becomes a woman; A woman adds a small piece to her, and then punches her flat, and she becomes a man.
13 is more fierce than eating, because I am a natural eater, and eating is my second life.
14 Don't laugh at my thinness, I'm covered in muscles; Don't look at my thin arms. I have enough strength. I don't care about ordinary little girls and boys, even if they add up to three or five.
15 wives need to change from time to time in order to be innovative and passionate. Which successful man hasn't been divorced several times? If you haven't divorced, you haven't succeeded.
16 If you treat money like dirt now, beautiful women will treat you like dirt. If you don't get the money in the future, you may not be able to buy a house; If you can't buy a house, you may not find a wife; Can't find a wife, can't raise a son.
17 As a talented young man like me, he is called' Black Girl'. Even if he goes begging on the street, he will watch the fun with beautiful women. Just grab one. How can he not find a wife?
My adopted son must be as clever as me. Once you teach him, he will soon pass, once he is proficient, he will forget.
19 If you don't get the money in the future, your wife will scold you for being worthless, or you will elope with the rich. When your son grows up, he will think you are a coward.
I've never been fearless in my life. There are only three things I fear most in my life. The first is that my wife is afraid to run away with others. The second thing is that my son is not as handsome as me when he grows up; The third thing is afraid that my son will look down on me when he grows up.
2 1 In junior high school, I was a very pure man. I read too many novels. I actually believe that there will be love in this world, and my ambition is very simple. As a noble person, I am worse than dust in my eyes. I have only three things to do in my life: find a wife, raise a son and live my whole life. Now my concept is backward. I need to correct it. To hell with love. I want to find more wives and have more sons.
22 mom and dad! Before I turn 30, I will buy at least three big houses, one in Beijing, one in Shanghai and one in Guangzhou, each with a minimum of 1800 square meters. I will take out 150 square meters to make toilets, which is bigger than the whole house.
"Advanced Mathematics" is the abbreviation of "Advanced Mathematics", which is a little different from high school mathematics. High school mathematics tells you that one plus one equals two, while high numbers tell you why one plus one equals two. It is a subject to explore advanced mathematics.
At that time in high school, as a student in a physics and chemistry class, I hated five subjects, Chinese, mathematics, physics and chemistry, and one subject was English, and my favorite subject was physical education.
Soldiers who don't want to be generals are not good soldiers; I don't want to be my father's son, and I'm not a good son.
There are no absolutely lecherous men in this world. Those men with normal development can be roughly divided into three categories: the first category, lust, lust, fear, wealth and power, will turn the flowers and trees for spring; The second color heart is colorless and gallbladder, which can only be placed in the heart at ordinary times; The third kind of man is not only colored, but also courageous. Unfortunately, his own conditions are insufficient to win the hearts of the opposite sex. This kind of person is the most dangerous. I accidentally committed a crime and went to prison to eat the same pot, which not only ruined others, but also ruined myself and two families.
I found a secret, although there is no sufficient scientific basis for the time being, but I believe it will be confirmed by science in the near future, that is, when you just look in the mirror, you will always feel that you are not very handsome, but don't be afraid. Just stare at the mirror for a few more minutes, and you will gradually become more handsome. If you look for a quarter of an hour, you will feel that there is no more handsome person in the world than you. If you watch it for half an hour, you will feel that you are outside the cloud nine. Watch it for an hour, and you will feel like a Buddha.
Life has been more comfortable recently. I slept until eleven o'clock in the morning and got up for lunch. Sleep again in the afternoon, sleep until 5: 30, get up and eat; I slept until eleven o'clock the next morning after dinner. I'm so tired. My skin didn't get enough rest, so my face was not very calm. Small acne was born. Yesterday, there was a "starry moon" on my skull. Today, there are a "Cowherd and Weaver Girl" on both sides of my nose. So today I feel that half an hour is not enough. It takes an hour to take pictures.
It is said that eating an apple for a quarter of an hour can kill more than 90% bacteria in the mouth, but how can an apple eat for a quarter of an hour? It's only three minutes at most. I either don't eat, and I have to eat at least five at a time.
Don't think that buying fruit is a trivial matter. There is a lot of knowledge in it. There are men and women, and the flowers are divided into male and female. Have you ever heard that this kind of fruit is also divided into male and female? I haven't heard of it. I tell you, fruits, like people, are not only male and female, but also beautiful and ugly. I usually like to eat mother apples, especially beautiful mother apples. What's the point of eating male apples? It's like asking you to kiss your male classmate, right? That's disgusting.
3 1 will envy those ancient people. Look at Jia Baoyu, surrounded by girls all the time. At the age of ten, he first tried to have sex with xiren. Look at me. When I was ten years old, I was in the third grade of primary school. Now I'm almost twenty years old and I'm still a virgin. Besides, Emperor Kangxi became the king of a country at the age of eight and came to power at the age of fifteen or sixteen. Look at me. At the age of eight, I was still in the kindergarten class, and I was only in the first grade at the age of fifteen or sixteen. It's good to be an emperor. I'm so happy to have three thousand wives. Let me calculate an account first. Like the girls' dormitory in our school, one dormitory can accommodate six girls. Even if there are 20 dormitories on one floor, 120 can live. Multiplied by the six floors of a building, it is 720. Honey, it takes 3,000 wives to live in four or five buildings. I don't expect to marry 3 thousand wives, and I can't afford to raise too many. As long as you can marry 30, you will be satisfied in this life.
No matter what you do, you must have quality, be a person with character, play a quality ball, and be lustful.
I will become dirtier in the future, not dirtiest, only dirtier.
If I gain 60 kg and grow 25 cm tall, I can become an international male model.
35 buttocks are a little bit, which is also very nice.
36 if three or two people hide in the room to watch, it is called yellow video; If three or five hundred people watch it outdoors, it is called performance art; If you have the courage to put it on TV, it is called a fashion show.
37. Shit! When I have money in the future, I will buy a computer to play at home. I have to use a super hard disk with 160 memory to store his 120 memory porn. Take your time.
People in Europe and America are all professional actors. Because people want to develop the female audience market, the hero should not only be strong, but also handsome. Unlike Japan and South Korea, they are all self-directed and self-acting, and the leading actor is ugly, which makes people feel spoiled.
The physical gap between us orientals and westerners is really a world apart. I've always been proud of it. Compared with others now, it's like a little monkey who is embarrassed to take out his hand when he sees a big monkey. Alas! Like a frog in a well.
The ancients were all keen on wine, food, famous flowers and beautiful women. I am not greedy and dare not expect to have both. I just want beautiful women, but when will beautiful women throw themselves at me? I climbed onto the platform and shouted, "Where is the beauty?" I only heard countless echoes: "I'll shoot porn, I'll shoot porn ..."
4 1 Don't talk about poor love without money. If you have money, you can come.
The top 42 is strong, and the base is cheap. There must be a cheaper way to deal with bitches.
I always thought I was a handsome man, and he was invincible in the world. Unexpectedly, this man is about to catch up with me. I was so angry that I wanted to splash him with concentrated sulfuric acid.
I like going to the supermarket best. I never buy anything when I go to the supermarket, and I don't bring money. Just two eyes is enough. There are so many beautiful women there that I can't count them. I can feast my eyes again this time.
If I can't find a seat by car, I usually stand at the back door happily, because I am not the first person to get on the bus, but I must be the first person to get off.
46 jeans are tired of wearing, cut into cropped pants to wear; If you are tired of wearing nine pants, cut them into big shorts to wear; Tired of wearing big underpants, I cut them into denim briefs.
Choose for yourself.
Okay？
Interviewee: Tell me about 520886- Manager Level 4 3-7 13:09.
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Interviewee: WWE1133551-probation period level 1 3-7 15: 10.
1 When I was a child, I played TV series Hunt and Rogue Tycoon. An old woman in the yard said, "Chasing the Fugitive is on tonight." . . . . . .
An unfamiliar colleague chatted with me, and the content of the chat was extremely boring. What happened to him and his girlfriend? What happened?
I was speechless. After he spoke for a long time, he looked at me. Maybe it means that I have to make a statement after what he said.
In an instant, I really didn't know what to say, so I blurted out: Is your girlfriend a woman?
I have had a cold for a long time! ! ! !
When the junior high school teacher talked about the ancient Babylonian civilization and the Sumerians, the history teacher said excitedly that "there are still beauties in the two river basins", and more than half of them smiled on the spot.
4 buy a pot helmet to eat together, a man comes forward: boss, two helmets!
Good teeth, good appetite and delicious food. . . )
There is a classmate named Huang Jiajian in my high school class.
One day, I didn't go to class. When the old class came into the classroom, I saw that his seat was empty.
Just asked: Hey, where's Huang Jiajian?
After the whole class laughed, they all called him Huang Gupo.
In the past, the teacher handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted "Teacher, I have it, I have it". As a result, the boy sitting next to me said, "It's mine, it's mine", and the whole class was shocked ~ ~ ~
I worked in a factory two years ago. One day, my master and I (actually older than me 1 year) went to the factory to handle affairs. The material engineer is a big sister named Dong, in her forties. After that, the host was very polite and wanted to say, "Sister Dong, you go." The result is: "I see."
8~ Another time, I went to buy breakfast and found that my usually unsmiling boss was also waiting in line. I was very nervous. After greeting, I summoned up my courage and said to the chef, "Master, please give me a steamed stuffed bun and two breasts!" " ~
~ ~ ~ Woo ~ ~ It's the first time in two years to hear the boss laugh so loudly ~ ~ ~ Depressed ~ ~ ~
My friend's child is half a year old, so I called to care. After a few commonplaces, he came up with a sentence: Does your child eat human milk or your milk now?
10 One evening, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning." ...
1 1 In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly, "I watched the midnight edition of the beautiful ring today!"
12 that day, I went to buy watermelons, and I heard someone ask the melon seller: Does your watermelon have skin?
13 A farmer was drying wheat in the yard, and some chickens came to peck the wheat. The farmer swept, and the chicken scratched, swept and scratched. I couldn't bear it, and cursed: "You bad thing, I scratch, you sweep, I scratch, you sweep."
14 One day, I went shopping and needed to pee urgently. I found an internet cafe in front of me, rushed into the door and shouted at the stationmaster: Where is the toilet in your toilet?
15 bought rice in the canteen, saw the long-awaited tofu skin, and excitedly told the waiter that I wanted a potato skin, which startled everyone around me.
16 due to business trip, I have to go to the bank of China somewhere to repair the equipment. After getting out of the hotel and taking a taxi, I said to the female driver, "Go to China Bank and find a hardware store to buy a knife." Sweat! I was going to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I was wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said, "Big Brother, I'm going to get off work. Please find a new taxi. " At that time, I was very angry and said, "What car did you stop at the hotel after work?" ! ? The female driver looked at me and said, "I don't want the fare after buying the knife. Please find another one. "dizzy! ! ! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, and I quickly explained it for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver.
17 the political teacher once said "let me give you an example" in a lecture, and then thought it was wrong and said "give me an example".
18 Remember Hanwu the Great?
Zhang Qian came back from the Western Regions with new ironmaking materials.
A good sword was refined and Liu Che took it to Li Guang.
Li Guang kept repeating:
Your majesty, good sword (base), your majesty, good sword (base) ...
silent ...
19 is really a good donkey.
When I was in junior high school, the teacher called translation right and wrong.
A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.
2 1 When I went to McDonald's for the last time, he said to the clerk, I want a bag of potato chips, but they saidno. I said, what store doesn't even have potato chips? Then I turned and left. . .
There is a pant-shaped pencil box on the girl's desk behind me in the mid-term exam of 22. As soon as I turned around, my pencil case dropped. I said, "Well, you dropped your pants."
I remember that there are dogs in Lu Yu, and MM exclaimed in surprise: Ah, there are no dogs in that tail! !
23 Too much sun on your ass
I remember when I was a child, I went to buy round plastic bullets in toy guns and said directly to the old man in the toy store: buy a pack of original (round) bullets!
My classmates explained to me how to make an inquiry call.
I wanted to ask if it was a real person or a voice who answered the phone over there. I said, "Is it a living person or a dead person who answered the phone?"
1' s colleague asked me: Is Clinton's wife Chirac?
Once I borrowed money from others, and I wanted to say, "I'll pay you back when I get the money."
Say, "I'll take you when I have money."
anxious
A classmate named Yu Jingbo wrote a letter one day, and the doorman of the dormitory shouted at the entrance of the dormitory: A letter of dried cold rice noodles!
Our Chinese teacher: Please turn to 120 yuan.
The whole class is dizzy, and the teacher is nicknamed "money addiction", hehe.
Once a friend watched a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was not good. The friend said, "Why are there so many Marx?" It took a long time to realize that he was referring to Massek!
6 a buddy gets married and gives a red envelope. Dude, say no politely.
I said, that won't do. Once a year, be sure to bring it.
7 junior high school role reading "white-haired girl"
A boy (Yang Bailao): I pulled two Jin of red rope and tied it for my daughter. ...
Teacher: It's not like wrapping a mummy …
When I was cooking, I pointed to cauliflower and said, potatoes.
Aunt asked: cauliflower?
I continued to point to cauliflower and said: potatoes
Aunt asked again: Is it potato or cauliflower?
I quickly said, isn't this a potato ... er, broccoli?
Now that I think about it, it's enough to make people vomit blood. I'm sorry, aunt who sells rice
When I went to buy cakes, I wanted to say "two yellow pears send an egg tower", but the result was "two orioles sing an egg tower"
What is even more depressing is that the owner actually understood. ......
10 University There is a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. The word "Yun" in the lower part of the word "Yun" on the envelope has a horizontal line, which has become a dot because it is too scribbled. As a result, this classmate took the letter and let out a cry, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? There is a letter for you. " All the people in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang. As a result, this girl named Liu Yun was scolded as a hooligan for four years.
1 1 There were rats at home for a while, and my mother bought rat poison to keep the family quiet, but none of them were cured. One morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat poison in the janitor's corner and said to herself, "Why doesn't anyone take this medicine?" ~ ~ ~ "The whole family fainted. . .
12 English teacher teaches grammar. Before class, she asked everyone, "I have finished. Do you still understand? " We replied with one voice: "No!"
Until I raised my glass to ask the bright moon and sank into the water, I suddenly remembered home.
14 once playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so we had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, it was too hot to stand. One man said, "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's too hot." Another man said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle. "
15 as the saying goes: kill and set fire to pay off debts.
In physics class 16, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: radioactive elements are very dangerous, so you humans must stay away! !
17 Spit grape skins if you can't eat grapes.
18 received a phone call at the company, which was promoted by a clothing company and kept saying that it would make uniform clothes for a big company and so on. I grabbed the gap between each other's speeches and blurted out: "Our company is not in dressing the!"
The other party whispered for a few seconds, said "I'm sorry" and hung up.
Teacher of our university: I'm looking for three students, a man and a woman. ...
The class began to look around for Chris Lee.
20 nights self-study back to the dormitory, Lu Yu fairy mm one day, and then follow.
I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but I didn't have the courage to go forward until fairy mm was about to enter the girls' building.
I gritted my teeth and stepped forward to ask mm loudly: Excuse me, classmate, are you a woman?
Later ... later, I enjoyed the eyes of the fairy mm for two years.
2 1 Allen class, the teacher is passionate: how many heroic children are lingering underground? ...
The graduation works of 22 students are made of big red cloth and sewn on black robes.
The teacher who answered the question asked: Why does Phoenix use red instead of other colors?
When that classmate was excited, he blurted out: Because the phoenix is burning! ! Three seconds later, the students who came to see the defense laughed hysterically, and my stomach was twisted with laughter!
When I was in junior high school, my teacher called recite Mulan words (the teacher was BT), and I was nervous.
When my brother heard that my sister was coming, he slashed his knife at his parents (pigs and sheep) .......
The whole class laughed and laughed at themselves, and I forgot all about the rest. Fortunately, the teacher didn't punish me ~ ~
Heaven and earth, Dou E is more unfair than me!
I bought WSJ for LP. I went to the store for a long time and didn't know what to buy. I just took a bag and asked the owner, "Boss, is this easy to use?" The boss (male) wait for a while looked at me carefully for 5 seconds and said, "I have never used this either!" " "
At the age of 25, my father watched me write my composition. There is a simple mistake in writing. The father smiled and said to his mother, "I find your son very stupid." I was in a hurry and said loudly to my father, "Your son is so stupid!" -_-b
Twenty-six soldiers came to earth to cover up the water.
My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After paying the money, the bank said that you don't have enough money. This is the second page. This should also be handed in.
My mother: What's the second page?
Staff: Sewage
My mother: My family never drinks sewage.