Introduction: I had constipation some time ago. I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a bottle of cork. When I got home, I opened it and drank it. I drank it four times, but it didn’t work. I prescribed laxatives again. That's great. I suddenly saw it on the Internet yesterday. It turns out that Kaiselu is used to insert chrysanthemums, but now my whole body is not feeling well!

1. I accidentally left a lot of food at the buffet. A tall and thick waiter said sternly: "You must finish the leftovers in our restaurant, otherwise the consequences will be serious!" So I stiffened my neck and swallowed all the leftovers. I couldn't help but ask him: "What serious consequences will there be if you don't finish eating?" The big man said: "It will cause a huge waste of national resources."

2. I was playing mahjong with my friend at home. Someone was busy in the middle of the game. My brother-in-law happened to come to play and asked him to play. He said he couldn’t play. My friend said there is no one who can’t play these days. He did a deadlift. He served it to the table, and when it came time, he took 4 donuts and threw them into the middle of the table and said: Blow it up! We were all confused instantly...

3. A friend who I don’t often communicate with came to my place and said that he wanted to start a business and hoped that I could work with him. I asked him what he was looking forward to Career, he said: "Come with me!" Then he took me to the lake, explained the beautiful blueprint, and admired the beautiful scenery of the lake. Just as he was getting excited, he pushed me into the lake and shouted loudly: "Help! Someone has fallen into the water!" At this time, two passers-by took off their clothes and went into the water to save me. The clothes ran away.

4. Youth: Master, I can’t let go of some people, I can’t let go of some things... Master: Young people, you must have a good attitude and not be impulsive! Young man: Master, I can’t do it, I can’t let it go, and I can’t let it go! Master: You have been surrounded by the police. Put down the hostages first.

5. A restaurant is famous in the local area for its "duck banquet", and a tourist came here because of its reputation. When the waiter serves the dishes, he always explains every time he brings a dish: "This is a duck neck", "This is a duck breast", "This is a duck leg", his pride is palpable. The last dish was served. The tourist saw that it was a plate of chicken, but he couldn't tell clearly, so he picked up a piece and deliberately asked: "What is this?" The waiter said calmly: "It is a duck friend."

6. We friends haven’t gotten together for a long time. Today we got together in a restaurant. Although the food in this restaurant was a little slow, it didn’t affect our interest in drinking. Two bottles of white wine were quickly consumed. I saw that everyone wanted to continue drinking, so I said to the waiter: "Miss, bring me two more bottles of 'Erguotou'. "The waiter came over with a smile on his face and said, "I'm sorry, sir, the chef is working on it and will be ready soon!" "

7. A tourist stayed in a hotel, but he was not very satisfied with the hotel, so he complained to the manager. The manager asked: "If you have any dissatisfaction, just tell me." "Tourist: "It doesn't matter what you want here. The manager said in surprise: "Isn't it right?" ! We are very well-equipped, with detergent in the bathroom, mosquito nets in the bedroom, fly swatters on the dining table, and bamboo poles for poking spiders in the corridor! "

8. My best friend had a hot relationship with a handsome guy a while ago, and she excitedly said to me, "He appeared in my dream. Our fate is destined by God." "I contacted her by phone two days later. My best friend said that she had broken up with the handsome guy. I teased her: "Didn't he appear in your dream? Why is the fate so shallow? My best friend said calmly: "I forgot to tell you that he also spoke in my dream." ""say what? "Donor, a poor monk came here to ask for a bowl of thin porridge." ”

9. When I was a kid, I was particularly envious of people wearing watches. I couldn’t afford one. What should I do? I put a five-cent coin through two holes and tied it to my wrist with a thread. Some people even asked what time it was... I stared at my wrist, pretending to be deep in thought, and raised my head to answer: 5 points less than 10 cents.

10. My mother asked my son to buy tomatoes, and he went to the vegetable stall and bought a whole basket. As a result, he couldn't carry it back because it was too heavy. When his mother found him, he had already squatted on the side of the road and ate more than a dozen. He said grandly: I can carry a few more.

11. The lobster said to the hermit crab: "It seems you don't understand. Every time we shrimp grow, we must first take off the old shell before we can grow a stronger shell. The current danger is for better development." preparation. It's worth taking some risks for a better future. "The lobster died that night because a customer ordered fried lobster.

12. When will the homework be due? Ask the Education Committee for the book. I wanted to go back to school, but I was afraid that the teacher would look bad if he was angry. Get your hands on the pointer and beat me to the underworld. The table is full of books, the back is bent, and the light is sleepless. There should be no hatred, why bother when you are busy? People have metabolism, but they don’t understand their work. This is a difficult matter since ancient times. I hope the teacher changes and the whole class has a wild carnival.

13. I had constipation some time ago. I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me a bottle of cork. I opened it and drank it when I got home. I also drank it four times, but it didn’t work. So I prescribed laxatives and drank it. Well, I suddenly saw it on the Internet yesterday. It turns out that Kaiselu is used to insert chrysanthemums, and now my whole body is not feeling well!

14. Man: "Hello, dear!" Woman: "I'm sorry, who are you?" Man: "What do you see?" Woman: "I can't see it!" Man: "Then You can always tell who it is?" Woman: "I can't." Man (putting down the phone): "Goodbye, I'm deaf and blind. How can I introduce such a person? Fortunately, I haven't gone on a blind date yet.

16. A sister-in-law raised a pig that was very fat but very thin. One day, her husband said, "It would be great if the pig was like you!" "The sister-in-law got angry and grabbed his left ear. The husband hurriedly begged for mercy and said, "I mean you should be like a pig!" "My right ear was also pinched.

17. I remember a few years ago, I accompanied my dad to watch the World Cup and the NBA. My dad proudly said: "Whoever marries my daughter in the future, it will matter. I'm so happy to have my wife to watch football games with me." Now, when I'm watching the European Cup on TV alone in the middle of the night, next to my husband who is sleeping soundly. I just want to tell my dad with tears: "Dad, I found my husband, but He doesn't watch football and refuses to watch football with me. "

18. A man and a woman are talking on the phone. Man: "Can our relationship be saved? "Female: "A button on the phone. Man: "Is it the replay button?" "Female: "No, it's hands-free.

19. We all know that female mosquitoes only bite people. Tonight I posted a lot of notes on the bedside, "Whoever bites me will have a miscarriage" "Mosquitoes that don't bite are the most beautiful" "I want to get fat" ? Come bite me, you idiot! "The biggest enemy of belly fat is the inability to keep one's mouth shut!" "When you were wandering around me wondering where to bite me, who was your husband with?" "...If I don't get stung tonight, it proves that my experiment was successful.

20. When I was living on campus in junior high school, I remember that a buddy in our dormitory was very handsome... He received many so-called so-called calls from little girls. We can all feast our eyes on it. One of them I still remember is: Handsome man, do you have a girlfriend? If not, would you mind having one? If so, would you mind getting another one? Now that I think about it, that girl was so talented. …

21. The company cafeteria is in charge of meals. Many people go to eat at noon, and the elevator is often overloaded. I took the elevator to get off work today, and when I went to a certain floor, I saw a pregnant woman who put her feet in anxiously. It was not overloaded. , let out a long sigh: If you overload again this time, mom will give birth to you!

22. When boys say "they like girls with a little flesh", they refer to this kind of "lordosis" A girl with a curvy back, delicate skin, slender waist and long legs, firm and elastic, white and moist, a slightly curved belly but no swimming ring... is a hundred times more difficult to lose weight than to be skinny and skinny.

23. I was buying snacks with my daughter in the supermarket. My daughter said that dad should buy a wife cake and eat it. I said it didn’t taste good without wife in it. The aunt who sold the wife cake heard this and said, “Young man, we don’t have wives, but aunt still has them.” How about you...I instantly feel that you are so loving, aunt...

24. Don’t do it today if you can put it off until tomorrow. If you die tomorrow, you don’t have to do it. It’s too much Okay... If you can pay someone else money tomorrow, you don’t have to pay it back today. If you can eat the snacks you got today, you can eat them today. , it won’t be wasted. . .

25. I am a girl in high school. I look very fair and clean. At first glance, I can’t tell that I am a girl. , I made a bet with her that she would have no problem entering the boys' dormitory, and we bet on breakfast for a week. During the evening self-study, I entered the dormitory with her, and she deliberately walked very close to the dormitory manager's window. Seeing that the uncle didn't react, she decided. She deliberately stood there in front of the uncle. The uncle looked at her and said: Just block her, I tell you, if a girl comes into the dormitory soon, you will be dead.

26. Let’s talk about junior high school. I remember it was an afternoon and we were in class. The dean came in and said he wanted to count the number of people. The history teacher who was in class was very active. You were very proactive. You pointed at us with an expression that made you want to laugh and started counting. You kept saying: "One pair, two pairs, three pairs..." I couldn't sit still at that time.

27. A buddy bought eye drops and took two drops after he got home. He closed his eyes and rolled his eyes. When he opened his eyes, it was pitch black and suddenly he couldn't see anything. Emma, ??what eye drops did you buy? Two drops make you blind. Suddenly he fell down from his chair, kicked over the table, and burst into tears. At this time, his wife scolded from the side: "You are getting more and more nervous. A power outage scared you like this."

28. This morning the author was on a business trip and was waiting for the train at the high-speed rail station. Because he was in a hurry, he went to the bathroom for convenience. When he entered the door, he found a pretty girl coming out of the men's bathroom. I thought I was in the wrong place, so I went out and took a look and saw that it was the men's room. I continued walking in, and the girl I passed by said resentfully, "The next door is full!" ! ! ! ! Do you know that you almost scared me so much that I peed in my pants?

29. When I was in the third grade of elementary school, there was a bully named Li Hu in the class. He was very capable of fighting, bullying classmates, and entering the women's restroom. Whenever he made a mistake, the principal would ask our class teacher to go to the office to show his face. A scolding. . . . This continued until I graduated from primary school in the fifth grade. The head teacher said, Huzi, I have finally graduated, but I will send you away. . . . From now on, you should be a good person and don't cause trouble. After the summer vacation, I heard that the head teacher took the initiative to apply to be transferred to the logistics department because there was a new classmate in their class who was better at work than Li Hu. He was Li Hu's younger brother, named Li Bao. . . . .

30. I met a netizen before who was a girl. I asked her what her name was, and she said her name was Zhang Lei. I said, when your mother named you, she must not have expected that she would actually give birth to a girl. She said no, because her mother wanted her to be aboveboard, so she called her Zhang Lei. I quickly said, then why doesn't your mother call you Zhang Guang or Zhang Guangming. . . . Now that she has ignored me, have I hurt my baby's heart?

Postscript: I was buying snacks with my daughter in the supermarket. My daughter said that dad should buy a wife cake and eat it. I said it didn’t taste good without wives in it. The aunt who sold the wife cake heard this and said, “Young man, we are here.” I don’t have a wife, but aunt still has a few, why don’t you... Instantly feel that you are so loving, aunt... Funny non-mainstream talk about laughing to death

1. It’s thundering, if you have done many bad things, don’t mess around. Walk.

2. The most tragic thing: After finally grabbing a cigarette, I suddenly found that there was no fire.

3. People go to higher places, as long as you are not afraid of dying on Mount Everest

4. I love you is purely fictitious, any similarity is purely coincidental

5. Appearance is not important, but not being beautiful is very important

6. The higher you fly, the more painful you will fall. Remember to bring a parachute.

7. You have to believe, believe that we will be like the fairy tale, where frogs and dinosaurs are the ending.

8. What do people live for? Just for those great Mao Zedong pictures

9. I sold the love letters for only two yuan. Alas, this emotion is really cheap.

10. I have done two wrong things in my life. One is to be born, and the other is to live.

11. If you don’t study for a day, no one will notice. If you don’t study for a month, your IQ will be lower than that of a pig.

12. Sleep in class, make noise at home, and surf the Internet. What a happy life

13. I prayed to God to make me prosperous, but God kept making me prosperous.

14. Men are mud and women are water. If there is too much mud, the water will be turbid; if there is too much water, the mud will be thin. No more, no less, and they will be shaped into two clay figures.

15. Fan Er makes you laugh when he is moved, and makes you burst into tears when he is moved.

16. Opportunity is like a thief. When it comes, it is silent, but when it leaves, you are silent. The losses were serious.

17. The most painful thing in the world is that tomorrow is the end of the world and you won the lottery today.

18. Without us students with poor grades, how can we set off the achievements of good students

19. Be a gangster in thought, a good man in life, and honest in appearance. People are Transformers in their hearts.

20. There are only two biggest wishes in this life. One is: to have a beautiful dream, and the other is: not to wake up.

21. The Trojan horse fell in love with my computer, and their iron horse came too

22. What is happiness? Happiness is when I wake up every morning and look at my watch. Sleep for another half hour

23. I need to gain weight so that I can have the strength to bear the pain you have caused

24. My friend said I was crazy. I replied: I am originally Never lived normally

25. I advise you not to have plastic surgery, it is more reliable to reincarnate as soon as possible!

26. Don’t think that you can dance around for a few more days if you are younger than me. The coffin contains the dead, not the old!

27. Before you could even touch the flowers and twist the grass, someone else had already plucked them out

28. In the morning, you went shopping without makeup and accidentally met Ultraman. He said The dinosaurs are not completely extinct.

29. A; Do you think it’s better for me to sing bass or treble? B; It’s better not to sing

30. The hooligans are not scary, but the hooligans are educated

31. I am not a genius, because I have never worn Queshi diapers

32. I understand him, just like the farmer uncle understands shit.

34. The light lengthened my figure and slowly disappeared. It turned out that I was invisible.

35. Never-ending refers to the dialogue between idiots and idiots who will laugh you to death without paying for your life

1. A couple quarreled, and the wife went back to her parents' house angry, and suddenly that day go home. Her mother: "Have you forgiven him?" Wife: "No! I don't want that bastard to live a good life alone at home when I go back!"

2. Women should please their appearance, men should do it for themselves The one who pleases is poor. If both parties want to please each other, it must be a frog and a dinosaur.

3. On Valentine’s Day, I feel envious when I see other people in pairs; on Women’s Day, I feel jealous when I see ladies on holiday; on Children’s Day, I feel envious when I see children receiving gifts; today is finally the 525 Love Yourself Day. Stop envying others and treat yourself.

4. I remember when we were in school, everyone called you "weird pig". The number of times you called you was too much, and you felt unbearable. Finally one day, when a classmate called you the nickname again , you exploded: It’s weird that I’m not a pig!

5. The hand is a wonderful instrument, installed at the top of a person's arm.

6. Mom: Mom has a meeting today and cannot take you to school. You must be careful when crossing the road and wait until the car has gone before leaving. Kobayashi: Okay. Xiaolin walked to the side of the road and waited for a long time without leaving. The police asked her: Why don't you leave? Xiao Lin: Mom wants me to wait until the car leaves before leaving, but now the car has not come, so I can’t leave yet.

7. When I went back after visiting the grave, I saw my friend’s 4-year-old son standing in front of the grave crying, while his father was burning paper and setting off firecrackers. I asked his dad what happened to him? His father kicked his son and said: "This naughty boy said that he kowtowed so much and didn't get a red envelope."

8. A few days ago, my brother was forcibly kissed by a girl in front of everyone. At that time The man was so ashamed that he wanted to find a crack in the ground and crawl into it. Suddenly, he had an idea and fell asleep on the ground, foaming at the mouth and trembling all over. The girl was so frightened that she almost fainted. I still can't forget the surprised expressions on everyone's face.

9. John: Your father is like a miser. Look, he is a shoemaker, and you still wear such worn shoes. Tom: What about your dad? He is a famous dentist, but your little brother only has one tooth!

10. After military training, the handsome guy turned into a migrant worker, and the beautiful girl turned into a cleaner. Adam did not recognize Eve, and the Weaver Girl had never seen the Cowherd. Love, life, and career start from here. I hope everyone will set sail and create a bright future!

11. No matter how good your martial arts skills are, you are still afraid of kitchen knives; no matter how good your intelligence is, you will be knocked down by a brick; go your own way and let others take a taxi! Wear someone else's shoes and let them find it! I send you Monday’s blessings and let others envy you!

12. A cool poem about falling in love in college: Loneliness, loneliness, if you don’t fall in love in loneliness, you will become abnormal in loneliness.

On New Year's Eve, my little nephew was playing with firecrackers outside. The naughty boy was probably so idle. Can you imagine that he took apart the fire date powder in the firewood and sprinkled it in the ashtray? Can you imagine that when his father poked the cigarette butt in, the sparks made the old man scream in fear?

14. I went shopping yesterday and saw a beggar holding two bowls in his hands. I was curious, so I walked over and put a dollar in one bowl and asked him what the other bowl was for. He said: Business has been good recently and a branch has been opened.

15. We move so fast that our souls can’t keep up...

16. For most women, the most beautiful are their eyes, the most sexy are their lips, and the most fashionable It's the hairstyle... Of course, the most beautiful thing is the face of those few women.

17. One day, on the street, I heard a child crying hoarsely and the sound of being beaten. I looked over and saw that it was the child's mother beating him and mumbling something. , you want Pleasant Goat or mother. The child first said he wanted his mother, but his mother stopped. The child immediately changed his mind and wanted the Pleasant Goat~

18. Life is hers, death is her mascot.

19. New Century Men: Can sleep on the floor, live in the corridor, kneel on the motherboard, mend clothes, eat leftovers, pay for prescriptions, take care of children, and raise girls , can endure loneliness, strive to be a big gray wolf...

Twenty, in the car, a certain pLMM thought it was time to stop, got up, and was about to get off, but as soon as he stood up, he was occupied by a WS man, and he was a MM When she came back, she saw the WS man looking at her in a very WS manner. She felt angry and shouted: Girl, give up your seat to me.

21. Don’t treat me like a cabbage. In fact, I am a chili pepper.

Twenty-two, the man stood in front of the bus station, laughing non-stop. A person next to him was very confused and asked him why he was smiling like this? "I just fooled the ticket seller." "What's going on?" "I bought the ticket, but I didn't get on the bus."

23. Dad asked his son: What lays eggs? ? Son: Hen, and mother. Dad: Why is there still your mother? Son: Because you always call me little fool.

Twenty-four. A man went to the hospital to see a doctor. The man asked the doctor in pain, "I have been having severe pain in my anus recently. What should I do?" The doctor said, "Let's try getting a tooth inserted!" He said angrily, "Are you stupid? Why do you need a dental implant if your anus hurts?" The doctor was also furious, "Are you stupid too? Why do you come to the dentistry if your anus hurts?"

Twenty-five, if it is a sunny day, you will be fine. With this weather, it seems like you are no longer here!

Twenty-six. My son was less than 3 years old. I was holding him in front of the computer and saw a cute puppy on the screen. It jumped from left to right of the screen and disappeared when it reached the far right. , the boy actually jumped off the chair and went to look for the puppy next to the monitor. He asked me with big eyes and a confused look: Where is the puppy?

27. Some people say: "A woman is like a book, so what kind of book is a fat woman like? A bound volume!"

28. Many girls have Korean disease Han Hong's disease, but not Han Hong's life.

29. Even if you are a Believe, there is still a lie in the middle. Even if you are a Friend, you will inevitably end in the end. Even if you are a Lover, you will still over in the end. Even if you are a Forget, you must get first. Even if you have a Wife in your heart. Also mixed with if...

Thirty. If the hot summer is a symbol, then friends are a sign, giving you many happy signals, turning the sultry heat into a string of refreshing ellipses, and throwing your worries to the big world. A comfortable exclamation point, on a beautiful night, with twinkling stars in the sky, embellishment of your healthy and stable rally! May your summer be healthy and happy.

31. Don’t wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.

Thirty-two. The water is heating up. Although it feels bad, it can still bear it.

At the end of the 33rd week, the sun was already shining on the buttocks. The son still didn’t get up. The mother shouted: "Sluggard, what time is it? Are you still sleeping? Get up quickly." The son was in bed. Li quibbled: "I went to bed at 6 o'clock last night, but I didn't go to bed until 10 o'clock."

Thirty-four, I don't hear anything going on outside the window, and I only read e-books.

Thirty-five, this is investment, that is consumption, this is making money, that is spending money, the earning is slow and the spending is fast. Quickly think of ways to use various ways to make money, think of various ways to save money. I wish you unlimited money! The signature of the Internet's classic ridiculous statement is laughable to death

The signature of the Internet's classic shocking statement is laughable to death

1. Carve your QQ number on the tombstone and allow everyone to add me Friend

2. I won’t answer you because there is no need to answer at all

3. Life is too long and you are just a piece of scenery

4 , Without the toad, the swan will also be lonely

5. I don’t want to be understood by you, and I don’t want to understand, so don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you

6. Do you like I don’t know how to sweet talk, so if you like to listen, let the storyteller listen to you

7. When others say you have changed, it’s because you don’t live according to their ideas

8 , Women in the world are still the most beautiful in China

9. Only by living life like a madman can you forget the bumps in life

10. I can love you desperately, but I You can't love someone who doesn't care about your life

11. It's noon on the day of hoeing, so nothing is reliable; if you have nothing to do in your free time, it's better to play Landlord

12. My dear, it's yours Playfulness taught me to give up my heart

13. I am not ashamed to take it up and let it go

14. To live is to wait for death, and to wait for death is because you are still alive

15. My lazy smile is an elegance you don’t understand

16. The house I want, 4M broadband, can order takeout, direct express delivery, no need to change mortgage payment

17. My sister sees the world in color because she wears contact lenses

18. If there is a car accident, I will either die or lose my memory

19. Don’t think you look like Ximen If you have a beautiful face, you can chase your sister. She is not Pan Jinlian

20. If you are young and do not work hard, you will have to carry cement when you grow up. It is terrible to be uneducated. If you are emotional, your heart will be broken

21 , My powerful head, 1G space holds 2G of sadness

22. My youth is dedicated to that called compulsory education

23. At the beginning of human beings, nature is good , if you don’t do your homework, you are a hero.

What should I do if the teacher checks me? Pick up the broom and have sex with him

24. Killed the wolf and let the tiger go, once you were a 250

25. Every woman who is still sleeping has a lover. His name is Quilt

26. My friend, I am not an ATM. Even if I am, please feel if you have a card

27. Steel that does not want to deform is not good steel< /p>

28. Legendary historical figures: Lei Feng, Zhang Haidi, Xiaobing Zhang Ga, referred to as Lei Di Ga Ga

29. My man has already labeled me, so I want him to pay the bill< /p>

30. In today’s society, it is normal for men to be with men. I think they are the most suitable ones for you

31. Don’t flirt with me, he is also very open-minded

32. My vigorous love has long since gone to the bottom of the abyss and will perish forever

33. When a woman takes away your hypocrisy, her tail will be exposed

34 , Pay equals reward, you are so self-righteous

35. I hold the knife in my left hand and the fork in my right hand, enjoying life slowly

36. You said there is something wrong with my brain, but my brain I fell in love with you because I have a problem

37. I am quitting smoking. Smoking affects my image as a good citizen

38. I can choose to quit, but I cannot quit the choice

40. When you want to be a low-key person, someone will still praise you in a high-profile manner

41. Women all like bad men, but they don’t like men who are bad-looking

42. Our love died young, we just want to give you a chance to be reborn

43. You are a talent when the boss uses you, but when he doesn’t use you, you become a layoff

44. If you fall, get up and cry and keep running

45. The killer of marriage is sometimes not the mistress, but time

46. The future is what I want, the past has been abandoned by me

47. Big size Does it have to be great? Wouldn’t the dinosaurs still be extinct

48. White lies: Just find a good excuse for one’s deception

49. Parents deceiving their children is called education, and children deceiving their parents is called education. Mutual deceit is called generation gap

50. Don’t talk about feelings with me, because talking about feelings will hurt money