Answer the Lord by Yi's psychology.

"High-profile departure is actually a temptation, and the real departure is silent. People who never shouted to leave ended up with red eyes and picked up the debris that fell to the ground. "

People who break up as soon as they quarrel probably don't take the end of their relationship seriously.

In their minds, apart from temptation, "breaking up" may be a tool to control the feelings of lovers and achieve their own goals.

Survival Desire, which was very popular on the Internet last year, is a reverse routine.

"Survival" routines and efforts, as if to say:

"If you don't meet my needs, I will break up with you in minutes!"

It is true that "survival desire" is mostly a kind of ridicule, but in the face of lovers who break up after quarreling, their hearts are tired but true.

Of course, there are reasons for each other's behavior patterns, but in a relationship, both sides have responsibilities.

Why do you talk about feelings in this mode? What are our inner emotional needs?

Always remember that the choice of feelings is ultimately in our own hands.

& gt& gt& gt A psychological mushroom problem;

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Why do you break up, delete, hack and change your signature when you quarrel?

Quarrel often, and when you quarrel, your boyfriend says you have had enough.

To break up, delete my contact information.

I usually take the initiative to find him, and he doesn't have much to say to me.

I doubt his feelings for me.

Leaving with great fanfare may be a kind of soft control. People in love only love imaginary partners.

A Responder of Psychological Essence @ Xibao

Want to live like a poem

Leaving generously may be a kind of soft control. It seems that many times, we will find our lover very melodramatic.

Girls feel that their lover is always away, while boys feel that girls are too angry and unaccustomed.

Then we need a way to "vent our temper" and "threaten each other", one of which is "Let's break up".

Besides melodramatic lovers, "melodramatic" friends are not uncommon around us. Looking through the circle of friends, there are always some words and pictures that hurt spring and autumn.

I think, for sensitive people, these emotions are not fake, they are all real.

However, in addition to these emotions, they are more important to express:

Come to see me, care about me, coax me, and do what I want.

Just like emotional "melodramatic" people must talk, emotional "melodramatic" lovers must say goodbye.

If breaking up can't achieve his goal, then further action is needed-hacking and deleting.

I don't know if he really wants to break up this time. Maybe he said it a hundred times and didn't really want to leave 80 times. What he wants is "Look at my mood, please coax me, spoil me and become what I want".

We only love the imaginary ta, why do we feel uncomfortable?

Because everyone is different, the last thing we like is being forced to be different, so when we are forced to make peace first and always take the initiative to find a topic to chat with him, we seem to be under control.

At the same time, perhaps for ourselves, we are also hoping that the other party can be what we imagined.

Just like when we first met, both sides made beautiful settings for each other in their hearts.

Then we fell in love with the imaginary person.

He fell in love with you who he imagined would always be considerate, gentle and tolerant; You fell in love with him who can always give you a sense of security and always put you in the highest position in your heart.

It's just possible that neither of you is what the other thinks. When the passion of love fades and we all calm down slowly, whether we can see each other's true appearance and whether both sides can make efforts to change for each other is the key to the continuation of love.

Finally, maybe it doesn't matter if the landlord decides whether he still loves me. In fact, it is difficult for us to really identify clearly.

But I believe that if there is no love, you will not come together.

More importantly, the landlord should try to see if I can get rid of the fog of imagination and see the real him. Do I still want to love him like this?

And is he willing to accept my shortcomings, my truth?

Are he and I willing to take a step in the same direction?

The way my boyfriend handles problems is a bit emotional. The key to the problem lies in how to treat one's inner emotional needs.

A Responder of Psychological Essence @ Liu Ying

Second-level psychological counselor/graduate student of Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences

The boat of love turns over when it says so. The ship is unstable because the helmsman is too young to deal with the problem emotionally.

Is he really going to break up because he is too young? I don't even know him. Stop talking about him, okay?

He often does this. What do you think of the future development of your relationship?

In addition, I noticed a detail. You almost always take the initiative to find him. Are you afraid of disconnection?

The decision of feelings is ultimately in our own hands, and this experience may help us build a more stable self.

A Responder of Psychological Essence @ Little Dragonfly Mom

Secondary consultant

Long-distance love really tests us ~

It seems that the focus of the test is not the running-in between personalities, the interaction and collision between emotions, but whether both sides have their own firm "core", which is the so-called self.

Simply put, it can be understood as: one's own cognition and self-evaluation of one's own state.

In other words, I can play well with myself without anyone around and no one else to establish contact with me.

This seems to be one of the important prerequisites for long-distance love ~

When we were babies, we only used crying, crying and crying to express our demands and needs for our parents.

At this time, the breeder may have the following different reactions:

The first one: Every time I cry, ta will come over, touch me gently and take care of me patiently; Second, every time I cry, I ignore me, and no matter how I cry, I don't respond; Third, sometimes I cry, and ta will be gentle with me; Sometimes when I cry, ta yells at me and gets impatient. The corresponding understanding of ourselves and the world is:

The first makes me feel that the world is safe, I am good enough and people can be trusted; Second, it makes me feel that the world is terrible. I am not cute and I can't be trusted. Third, it will make me very confused. I wonder if I should cry next time. After crying, ta will be gentle or scolding. I am in a hurry, but I will cry next time, because I am eager for ta to take care of me next time. The possible impact on us is:

First, it's perfect ~ If you meet it, it's really lucky in life ~ Second, Teacher Wu Zhihong said that for babies, the place where there is no response is despair. Third, it is more likely to happen to us ordinary people often, because the nurturers are also human beings. Ta can't keep a happy mood all the time and take care of the "messy place" patiently, especially when ta is physically and mentally exhausted. So in terms of probability, most people may encounter the care of the third kind of caregivers more, so we are growing up gradually under such circumstances.

We will have some uneasiness, some temptation, some doubt and some uncertainty about each other;

At the same time, we may have some longings, some hopes, some unwilling, and some waiting for the ideal situation to happen to us.

Do you think we are tired? Are we wronged? Are we unlucky?

Maybe ~ but people's life is actually in a process of self-construction. Most importantly, aren't we shaping ourselves?

Some people are lucky enough to be well shaped at the beginning of their lives;

Some people are unlucky enough, and they may never be able to build themselves well in their whole lives.

And we, perhaps, are less than the upper class and more than the majority of the lower class.

Back to the landlord's question, you said that you always "take the initiative to find him", but he "broke up more than once" but "could not be separated".

Can this be understood as: you are all eager for love, but afraid of being hurt?

Maybe for you, when you are raised by the third kind of caregivers, ta is more likely to be gentle with you.

Perhaps for him, being brought up by the third kind of caregivers has less chance for him to be gentle, so he took the lead in adopting the attitude of "voluntarily giving up" to protect himself and avoid emotional harm.

Understand the above, you may or may not break up, and the decision is still in your hands.

But in any case, perhaps for most of us, only after experiencing something can we gradually establish that relatively stable "self"?

Become the kind of person who is better when you come, and I can be "high" when you leave?

Boyfriends may be "anxious and attached" or have some borderline personality characteristics.

A Responder of Psychological Essence @ Zhu Qiang

Second Counsellor/Psychologist, Department of Neurology, Central South Hospital

Judging from your description, your long-distance boyfriend is probably a "worrying attachment model" and a borderline personality.

Kim bartholomew believes that everyone's attachment types are different, and he divides adult attachment patterns into security, anxiety, separation and fear.

Safe people are comfortable with intimacy and interdependence. They are optimistic and outgoing, and are willing to participate in social activities.

A worrier is always on high alert to his relationship with others. They really want to establish intimate relationship with others, but once their intimate partner has intimate relationship with others, they will be jealous.

Whether an adult feels safe in his/her adult relationship may partly reflect his/her attachment experience in early childhood.

Balbi believes that children's psychological representations or work patterns related to relationships (that is, "rules" or "scripts" of expectations, beliefs, behaviors and thinking) are functions of his/her care experience.

For example, a safe child believes that others will help them, because past experience has led him to this conclusion.

Once the child obtains this expectation, he/she will look for relationship experiences that meet these expectations and perceive other relationships with these beliefs.

According to Balbi, this process should enhance the continuity of attachment patterns throughout life, although if a person's relationship experience does not meet his/her expectations, his/her attachment patterns may change.

Simply put, if we assume that adult relationships belong to attachment relationships, then safe children will feel safe in love relationships when they grow up.

Borderline personality disorder is a serious personality disorder, which is in a critical state between neurosis and psychosis, and is characterized by capricious mood and unstable behavior.

1938 A Stern used the term "boundary" for the first time in the treatment of schizophrenia.

According to DSM published by American Psychiatric Association, borderline personality disorder must have at least five of the following eight characteristics:

1) The possibility of impulse leading to self-mutilation, such as wasting money, gambling or self-mutilation;

2) The interpersonal relationship is unstable or too tense, belittling others, and often taking advantage of others for their own self-interest;

3) Improper anger or lack of anger control;

4) The obstacle of identity is that gender identity, self-identity and career choice are changeable;

5) Emotional instability, such as sudden depression and anxiety, is stimulated for several hours or days, and then turns to normal; You had a quarrel with your boyfriend before, and his performance was very unstable, and he also showed distrust of you, which reflected his emotional instability.

The cognitive school also recognizes the traumatic environment in the early childhood of patients with borderline personality.

However, scholars of cognitive school tend to think that it is not stress events themselves that lead to borderline personality disorder.

However, after the traumatic event, many factors, such as children's coping style, individual temperament, age, situation, naive coping style and the strengthening of negative reaction of educators, determine the borderline pathology, which is concentrated in the patient's core schema and core cognition.

The typical cognitive biases of patients with borderline personality disorder are catastrophe and dichotomy thinking, and their core beliefs have three themes:

First, the world is sinister, and my life is in danger; Second, I am like a child, I am weak and fragile; Third, I was forgotten. I was born without anyone. There are five core models for patients with borderline personality disorder:

Abandoned children, angry/impulsive children, punitive parents, separated protectors, healthy adults.

At present, there are more than a dozen psychotherapy models for borderline personality disorder.

Among them, the only one supported by the most evidence-based medical evidence is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

Although RCT(random control trial) of dialectical behavior therapy is still insufficient in epidemiological methods, it is still the first choice for borderline personality disorder from the perspective of evidence-based medicine.

It is found that olanzapine has an effect on the impulsiveness of borderline personality, and 5- hydroxytryptamine reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) such as fluoxetine and sertraline are effective in controlling emotional disorder and impulsive behavior.

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