"This is not a trivial matter, is it?" "I apologized, but why did she have to break up with me?" You think so because you only see the moment when contradictions intensify under the influence of one-line thinking.

You know, in a woman's heart, there is always a book of addition and subtraction. Every time you let me down, I silently subtract one point. Every time you make me happy, I secretly add two points.

You heard me right. It's a negative one and a positive two. That's what women who love you do.

Even if she knows that reducing points is far more than increasing points, she will take the initiative to help you find more excuses and reasons: "He is just a little short-tempered", "He has just been too busy recently and paid less attention to me", and continue to convince herself that "in fact, you deserve her persistence".

Yes, she has secretly given you several opportunities, but you failed to seize them. Now she is tired and disappointed too many times, and she doesn't want to digest and convince herself any more, so she defines that even if this relationship continues, there will be no good signs, so she chooses to cut the gordian knot.

Speaking of this, many people must have panicked: "Since it is so serious, is it impossible for me to recover?" The answer is just the opposite.

65438+In July 2008, I made a related statistic. In this statistic, I found that even if women broke up on their own initiative, they would still have the illusion of being dumped after breaking up: I broke up and I am still sad.

Women are more emotional beings. It is impossible to "break up" without any inner turmoil. The only possibility is that she was suppressed and sealed, and she was not allowed to turn back. Those heartless unkindness just prove that she really loved you.

That's why I used to say that "men must be able to save women": they are really not as heartless as you think, and their hearts are constantly struggling between "continuing" and "giving up".

Next, let's talk about how to make it back and let the woman who "loves you but is afraid now" come back to you.

? Explore the root causes of emotional injury and dig deep into each other's "core expectations." As we mentioned earlier, this woman has accumulated a little disappointment in your past contacts. If you are disappointed, you will have corresponding expectations. At present, the first thing we have to do is to find her "core expectations". So how to find it?

First of all, you can start with her various social platforms, give priority to those platforms where you can express your feelings, such as Weibo and friends circle, and focus on what she expresses her feelings. You may wish to keep screenshots of these contents;

Next, you can look through your past chat records again.

Here I provide several keyword searches, such as "OK", "Go to sleep first", "I'll go to sleep first", "Hmm", "Don't", "Can't", "Sad", "Quarrel with you" and "Later", and then you have to look at the linked content from top to bottom, but any emotional ups and downs and emotional needs exposed by her will be retained.

After the above arrangement, I believe you have mixed feelings in your heart, because you have never found out that you have unconsciously ignored her feelings. You might as well use this emotional guilt to recall several large-scale quarrels you had, what she said in those quarrels, how she reacted, and whether she clearly expressed her dissatisfaction with you. Then you can use the screenshot above to sort out all the points you remember.

Next, I will provide you with five possible "core expectations" of women's emotions. You can try to refer to them and sit accordingly:

A. Emotional satisfaction "I hope you can be happy and lost with me, and you can consider the problem from my standpoint. I hope you can help me sublimate my emotional environment, create more happiness when I am happy, take me out of my emotional predicament, and give me reasonable comfort when I am in a bad mood. "

B. Emotional resonance: "I need my lover to accompany me. I need him to love me and put it into action. I hope he can recognize, cherish and understand my contribution in this relationship. "

C. Relationship security "I need my lover to be single-minded, cherish the establishment of our relationship, take the initiative to refuse ambiguous requests from outside, and help me overcome external threats, such as dissatisfaction from different places/parents."

D. Value matching satisfaction "I hope my lover can be equal to me. I have qualitative and absolute requirements for my lover, both internal and external. For example, I hope that he will make progress and hope that he has a certain economic foundation. "

E. self-independence space "I also have my own ideas and judgments. I hope my lover will not impose interference and control. I hope he can support my decision and don't bind me everywhere. "

? Correct preparation for recovery (four super minefields) After defining each other's "core expectations", what we need to do next is to prepare for recovery. Yes, recovery, like horse racing, requires preparation in advance. First of all, the first point: mentality construction.

You have brought a lot of disappointment to each other in the early stage. Now, it is inevitable that the other person will avoid and reject you, because she has a prejudice against you and she knows you too well.

At this time, no matter how indifferent and impulsive the other person is, we must never be led by emotions, because as long as you appear in front of her, her report card will be opened. You might as well take this as a test. As long as you are down-to-earth, you are one step closer to the finish line.

Secondly, I want to focus on several ways to restore mined areas:

I don't care about breaking up. I stubbornly beat up II and substituted for a third party, such as pulling my parents and friends together to save III's low position and IV's extreme behavior compulsion.

We won't read more about the first and second points. This is the basic relationship common sense: "Don't do anything to increase the other person's dislike for you, and the relationship between two people will reduce the complexity." Let's focus on the third and fourth points.

Why not allow everyone to make a "low-level complaint and continue to apologize?" Originally, the other party was blaming you, and she would think that it was because of you that your relationship came to this day. Now that you apologize, it is tantamount to silencing the other person's thoughts, deepening her "victim mentality" and making her feel more wronged and uncomfortable.

It is very likely that there is a problem in your relationship, but at this time, due to the "victim mentality", she has no extra thoughts and energy to do self-reflection, and will only be more immersed in the grievances and condemnation of you.

As for the fourth point, this is a spiritual misunderstanding shared by many men: "Don't women just like overbearing men? She relented and sympathized with me, so she fell in love.

I took a case before. The young man broke up with the girl, got drunk, opened the door and entered the rental house where they used to live. He knelt down, apologized, and hugged each other. The girl was scared to death. Another time, the young man was drunk and sat by the window and showed his predecessor a video "I can't live without you" ... Don't do such a stupid thing.

? Subjective expectations will be vague, and the scientific grasp of chat skills is one of the most unacceptable things for many male compatriots: the other party does not return messages.

One day you sent her a message "Are you there?" She didn't reply, and you sent another sentence "Remember to have lunch", which is the operation that many male compatriots will have after breaking up "I want to care about you".

But the other party didn't reply. At this time, the first reaction of most male compatriots is to worry, "I have taken the initiative to care about you, so please be rational." Then, a few more "Are you busy?" "Why didn't you reply to my message?" .

Once the plot develops in this direction, the follow-up is usually not optimistic, because you are completely influenced by your own subjective expectations, and you presuppose that "she will come back to you", so you can't accept that "she won't come back to you", but in fact, your questioning is actually forcing "her to come back to you". She must be aware of these pressures, and once she feels them, the relationship will be even more dangerous.

So how can we avoid these problems? Blur your subjective expectations: I will respect each other's wishes and do what I should do, but I don't have to ask her to give me feedback. Note that there are still many communication skills to be preserved. I attach a reference statement. You can have a taste:

"Now is noon, I feel busy for a while, time has passed. In the past, it seemed that you would take the initiative to send me a message asking me what to eat today. I suddenly want to take the initiative to send you a message (simple expression of change and apology). I know you feel bad too, so be sure to take care of yourself and eat on time (sincere concern and active ending). "

Use more than one word. I told you that I was thinking about you, and I realized that I had neglected you. Now I have begun to reflect and make a difference, giving the other party a space of "I don't force you", and she can naturally unload her extreme rejection of you, and then the communication mode can be maintained. Then the question everyone faces is "How can I chat with my ex?"

Talk about other people's interests. This can be said to be the safest choice. You've been in love for so long, you can't know everything she likes. Might as well borrow flowers to offer Buddha. You can talk to her about what she likes. She likes a writer and has published a new book. You can send her a link: "I saw the pre-sale the other day, caught one and gave it to you." And a signature. "

Talk about something that worries the other person. You can find out each other's current emotional state by observing their various dynamic details. For example, she changed her avatar, or she likes to play a game after work on weekdays. At this time, you can rationalize an excuse, such as: "* * * asked me a question, I don't do this, so I want to ask you", and then ask "I understand" when the matter is over. This is another smart concern about the emotional value of supply.

Talk about things that the other person hates and dislikes. For example, you are colleagues in the same company. You know the other party was scolded by the boss today. You can make a sogou expression pack in one sentence, type it out, send it to her, and tell her that you and I are on the same side. It is a very direct and effective strategy to get closer to people in the same position.

Talk about things that are deeply touched by each other. This can be said to be the attack point in communication, which is suitable for saving the second half of communication. When your relationship can go smoothly, you can talk to her about your past contradictions, but you must pay attention to the reasons and don't talk about emotional feelings. We say this to rationalize the emergence of your contradictions and help each other put aside their bad feelings. How can we rationalize it? Let me give you an example: "Because of my parents from a family, I always don't know how to deal with intimate relationships, which is often bad for you, and the atmosphere from a family makes you feel insecure." Yes, you should give each other a reasonable reason to forgive "your past".

The four points I mentioned above, plus the psychological attack point mentioned at the beginning of this part, "blur your subjective will and focus on respecting her", as long as you can successfully use your understanding, it will definitely impress the other party and make her stop avoiding you. Of course, these examples I cited are only a part, and there will definitely be many exceptions in reality. If you are confused about the operation, be sure to keep asking.

? Try to spy on the two-level emotional transfer and help her realize that your feelings are beyond doubt and the other party will be lost. This is a typical ex-mentality, "I'm afraid you won't let me go, but I'm afraid you'll let me go at once." This is tantamount to a "value denial" for her. We love each other. How can there be no waves? She can't stand it. Then, you can try to create another kind of spy satisfaction.

What is snooping satisfaction? For example, one day you had a little accident while driving, but the accident was very small. You call the other person at the first time: "I just lost my way in driving and almost hit another car." When this comes out, the other person's subconscious reaction must be concern;

At this time, you can appease her: "I have nothing serious, but I suddenly want to call you", and then you must immediately show your attitude: "I know I shouldn't call you. I will hang up first. "

Pay attention, hang up the phone immediately, interrupt the other person's "spy satisfaction", and make her feel unfinished. Then, give her some space and time. If she takes the initiative to call and send a message at this time, don't reply, so that she can fully realize that she still cares about you and misses you.

About every 4-5 hours, you can send her another message: "I just went to deal with the accident/I have finished it." I called you suddenly to scare you. You said before that I was in such a hurry that I couldn't drive without you. I really have a big problem with this problem. "

In short, give the other person a value affirmation of "you are better by my side" to influence and care, and have both, so she naturally won't have the heart to continue to be rude to you.

A series of emotional mobilization are in place. What you need is an opportunity to "compound combustion". How do you help burn? Let me give you an example of combustion-supporting strategy, which I helped a boy think of before:

The so-called compound combustion-supporting, to put it bluntly, is to use all kinds of emotional repression to make her incontinence at an appropriate time, so that she is willing to admit that she still can't forget you and still yearn for your good.

This is the effect of two-level emotional mobilization. Giving the other person the biggest and most positive emotional impact when she is most frustrated is the fundamental principle of the opportunity of "compound combustion-supporting".

"Women are really not complicated, especially in love." I hope that the majority of male compatriots can remember this sentence.

All they need is someone who is willing to devote himself wholeheartedly, who can tolerate and understand her delicate emotions, give themselves a sense of security and cherish her.

The premise of curing disappointment is your persistence and sincerity. Remember not to let her expect you to be disappointed again.

Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.

Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together!

1. Do you still have your predecessor's contact information in your mobile phone?

It's five points.

No, all 0 points have been deleted.

2. What is the reason why you broke up?

Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.

Long-distance love, no future 2 points.

TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points

There is a third party involved in our relationship.

After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.

I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.

3. Among the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?

If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.

Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.

Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.

The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.

4. When you express one thing, you value it more.

The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.

Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.

You say a word, and everyone around you feels comfortable. 6 points

The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.

5. What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?

Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.

Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.

Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.

Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points

6. Have you ever saved your ex?

I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.

No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.

I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.

I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.

7. When dealing with each other, you are more inclined.

Ideologically compatible, considerate and sensitive to each other's needs. Six points.

The experience of love, doing what you like together, as long as you are happy, is 1.

On the practical level, there must be a clear future plan 3 points.

8. Do you usually doubt or trust your ex?

I never doubted his loyalty to feelings.

I am often afraid that TA will be taken away by others and that TA will fall in love with others. TA said I was always worried about TA 1.

Because there is often the opposite sex around TA, I occasionally suspect that I am checking the post and glance at the address book for 2 points.

9. Do you usually make up automatically after quarreling?

We both have a bad temper. It's good to be angry.

I'll just wait for TA to take the initiative to admit 4 points.

I can't stand fighting all the time. I will take the initiative to sum up two points.

Cold violence for a long time, ignoring each other 1 point.

10. Are you the leader in getting along?

I have been very passive, waiting for the other party to pay for me, hoping that he will lead me to 5 points.

I am a well-deserved leader, I have to worry about everything, and I have a certain desire to control 1.

1 1 What does it matter? TA and parents?

Single parent, lack of maternal love or fatherly love 4 points

I have a normal relationship with my parents, and I don't often miss 2 points.

Get along well with parents, harmony and friendship 6 points.

The relationship is extremely poor and the inner trauma is great. 5 points

I have a good relationship with one of my parents, but the other is not very close. 3 points

12. Do you think TA is an avoidant attachment personality?

Yes, TA is 1.

No, TA rejects reorganization, but does not avoid contradictions. Five points.

I'm not sure. TA likes to avoid questions, but it is really 6 points.

13. Which of the following movies would you choose to watch?

Comedy category 5 points

2 points for terror category

Tragedy class 1 min

14. Do you often eat and drink without thinking after falling in love, and your heart is broken, which seriously affects your normal life?

Yes, it's too difficult. 5 points

Not at all. Losing love didn't hit me that hard.

Can endure will not cause too much impact on normal life 2 points.

15. How long have you broken up?

6 minutes a month

Three months and five minutes.

For more than three months, 3 points will be deducted within one year.

More than one year 1 min

16. Do you have a lot in common, such as the same circle of friends?

Yes, we are classmates/colleagues, and we have close friends. Six points.

Yes, but I won't contact you. 3 points for liking your friends.

No, we are completely from different circles, and it is difficult to have an intersection of 0 points after breaking up.

17. Did you have any intense irreconcilable conflicts when you broke up?

We had a fierce argument, so far there is no reconciliation 1 point.

We broke up peacefully. 3 points

18. Have you ever had a third party?

Never. We have an internal emotional problem. Six points.

I've had it before. Forgive TA for cheating by 5 points.

We got 1 point for cheating on TA.

I was caught cheating. 4 points

19. Have you ever planned to get married?

No, we're just dating.

I have plans to get married, and I have never seen my parents.

I have met my parents and have been interacting with them. I plan to get married at 6: 00.

20. When will you give up completely?

TA likes someone else, so I won't bother him again. 2 points

I won't give up. 6 points

I've done everything I want to say and do, and TA is still indifferent, so I'll give up 1 minute.

I'm koi fish, a relationship counselor. There is no one I can't analyze. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.