Tolstoy said: All happy families are similar, and each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

A few years ago, I heard relatives in my hometown tell a story that happened in their neighboring village:

The two sisters lost their mother a long time ago and grew up with their father and grandmother. My father was a man with a particularly bad temper and was addicted to alcohol.

After a drunken promiscuity, the 2-year-old daughter was raped. Since then, the two daughters have been very cautious, and they both hide a knife under their pillows when they sleep at night.

until one day, the father was drunk again and tried to lay hands on his little daughter, but her sister found out. She was angry and hacked the father to death with a knife.

When the eldest daughter was taken away, all the people in the village signed a name to plead for the girl, and the grandmothers of two children knelt down and begged. She said that the granddaughter was doing harm for the people, and the beast was hacked to death, not her son.

One month later, my eldest daughter was released, and my sister needed money to study, so she went out to work.

A few years later, my sister was admitted to the university and stayed in the city after graduation. The two sisters also took my grandmother away.

Every year in Tomb-Sweeping Day, the two sisters only burn incense and paper for their mother's grave, while their father's grave is littered with weeds.

Later, my sister got married, but my sister never got married and lived with her grandmother.

When my relatives told this story, I felt very sad. I didn't know how much influence family of origin would have on a person's growth until I read the book "family of origin, How to Mend His Personality Defects". If there is an opportunity, my sister in this story should really read this book.

It's really impossible to choose a person's birth. It's really not up to you to decide what kind of family you are reborn in and what kind of parents you have.

Bernard Shaw once said: The world is a bit overbearing, partial and unreasonable. So some people are forgotten in the world, and some people are put on the aura of the protagonist.

If we are really unlucky, God lets us be trapped in a poisonous family, and we become the children who walk with poison, what should we do?

? 1. Toxic parents do far more mental harm to their children than physical harm.

Toxic parents, because of their different toxicity, lead to different family behavior patterns, so parents are also very strange, but the same characteristic of * * * is inaction, and they never seriously think about their parents' responsibilities, so that children are poisoned.

By shirking their responsibilities, these toxic parents make their children lose their positive role models and make it difficult for their children's emotions to develop healthily. There are the following kinds.

1. Manipulative parents

Such parents are self-centered. From the day the child is born, they put the child's life in a designed frame, and arrange the child's life step by step according to their own wishes, what major to study, which school to go to, what kind of wife to marry, and what kind of husband to marry are all set.

parents are designers, children are actors and props. If there is a slight deviation, correct it quickly. Xu Yiwan's mother in the movie Lost in Russia is a typical case.

In the play, Xu Yiwan finally broke out when he couldn't bear it. He said loudly to his mother, "This is the problem. You have an imaginary son in your heart. Why do you persist in transforming me? Don't you see? I am not the son you imagined! "

But fortunately, the final outcome was satisfactory. Both mother and son could see their own problems and their relationship was reconciled.

Ji Bolun said:

Your children are not your children.

They are children born of life's desire for themselves.

They came to this world with your help, but not because of you.

They are by your side, but they don't belong to you.

What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts

because they have their own thoughts.

What you can shelter is their bodies, but not their souls

Because their souls belong to tomorrow, which you can't reach in your dreams.

2. Alcoholic parents

If a person is captured by alcohol, then this person will have two sides. When he is sober, he will be a good person. Once alcohol goes to his brain, he will be possessed by the devil.

The children in this family will feel particularly insecure. Under the influence of alcohol, they will see how terrible an irrational person is. Such parents will deny what they have said and turn their heads, making the children feel insecure.

In fact, these alcoholics, who are also the most incompetent and self-abased, just look for their sense of existence under the anesthesia of alcohol. Do you know that children living in such a family are even more pitiful?

III. Physically abusive parents

Children who grow up in such a family will always live in a kind of fear. Even in daily life, the family atmosphere seems calm, and they are walking on thin ice. Maybe at some time, a bomb will be detonated.

Many children who grow up in such an environment will unconsciously become tyrannical, so that the victim becomes the perpetrator again.

Tara Westerfer, an American best-selling author, told her story in her first novel, You Fly to Your Mountain Like a Bird.

She grew up in a mountain village in Iowa, USA. There are seven brothers and sisters. She has no birth certificate, no vaccination and never goes to school. Their father is a man with a tyrannical tendency, his brother Sean is used to talking with his fists, and his mother is a forbearing person who thinks that his wife needs to obey her husband absolutely.

Fortunately, Tara woke up. With the help of her brother Taylor, she walked out of Iowa step by step, went to Brigham Young University and went to Harvard University through self-study.

Tara Westerfer

IV. Verbal abusive parents

Sometimes parents' verbal abuse does more harm to their children than physical pain, which is a kind of spiritual delay.

After all, in a child's young mind, parents are the center of the whole world. If you believe what your parents say and your parents decide that you can't do it, you will think that you really can't.

If a mother always says: You are so stupid! You'll think you must be stupid.

If a mother says, You are useless! You will think that you are really useless and will be a person who has accomplished nothing.

Some mothers said: I really regret giving birth to you! I wish I could strangle you when I was born. Children will think, I am a redundant person in the world, I have no meaning to live, and I will really think that I can't, I am stupid and useless, and I will always deny myself until I really become the most useless person.

For children, long-term language violence will have a great negative impact on self-acceptance, behavioral cognition, interpersonal relationships and emotions.

5. Sexual abuse of parents

Such parents are synonymous with the devil, and the story at the beginning of my article is such parents. Words can't describe the harm that such parents bring to their children. Some victims can't walk out of such shackles all their lives, and they will hate their parents and themselves.

Some people bear great mental trauma and keep secrets all their lives, just to protect the image of their parents and the myth of a perfect family.

I don't know that if you don't take the initiative to cure these pains, the wounds will be infected and festered anytime and anywhere.

The elder sister in the story is a victim. She has never been in love or married. If she doesn't face this wound, she will live with it forever.

These toxic parents will bring poison to their children. Some children will live with cancer all their lives, and when they grow up, they will bring this poison to their children and become toxic parents.

However, some children will remove this cancer, heal themselves slowly, and give their children a happy home when they grow up.

In fact, all the entanglements depend on one's own heart, and the ultimate so-called fate is still coming out step by step. But some wounds need to be stitched at the cost of a lifetime!

? 2. How can children who are poisoned by their families repair their personality defects and gain happiness < P > Some people are cured by childhood all their lives, while others are curing their childhood all their lives.

When a person is very young, home is the whole world, that is, everything, and parents are the teachers who first taught you to know the world.

If you are unfortunate enough to meet toxic parents, you must find out whether you are willing to get caught up in it, live passively and pass on this poison from generation to generation, or whether you are willing to change this situation, even if you escape from this environment.

In real life, how many children still live with family of origin's brand when they are adults, and even after they become parents, they have performed all their childhood sufferings on their children!

However, some children can walk out of the victim's cage until the flowers are in full bloom. Then, after becoming parents, they will think about their own sufferings. They will never let themselves be toxic parents, but instead become successful parents, because they know what kind of parents their children want most and what they can do to make their children happier.

1. Learn to forgive

There are all parents in the world, which is a cliche, but it is not unreasonable. Give you life and bring you into this world. No matter what your fate depends on, you should be grateful for it. You have chosen to forgive your parents, and you have put down your burden. You are also reconciling with yourself and the past.

As a person goes further and further, the more he sees the bigger world, the bigger his heart will be, and he will be more pessimistic about some things. Nothing is not worth forgiving, let alone my parents. After a few decades, they may want to forgive me for not having a chance.

Su Mingyu in the TV series "Everything is Fine" hated her teeth for more than ten years, and finally she chose to forgive!

2. Leave the original toxic environment

If you want to change the status quo, you must escape from the original family bondage. Keep yourself away from the center of the poison gas, which is beneficial to the repair and healing of the wound. In the process of healing, it is best not to let the wound reinfect and relapse, which is not conducive to recovery.

Life sometimes requires parting, and don't be kidnapped by morality. When you are in hot water, who can understand your pain and injury? No one has experienced your pain, so you are not qualified to persuade you to be generous.

People will grow up, have their own family and their own world, and only when they get rid of the shackles of family of origin can they get a new life.

Just like Tara Westerfer said, "You can love someone, but still choose to say goodbye to him; You can miss someone every day, but still be glad that he is not in your life. "

3. Feel a different life

If a person lives in pain for a long time and doesn't want to change, it is because he has adapted to the pain and resigned himself to it.

Only when a person sees a life different from his own, will he have the idea to change the status quo, and the outside world is big and wonderful, and he will want to have a look.

Wilde once said: Even if you live in the gutter, you have the right to look up at the stars.

always believe this: everything will change, no matter how traumatized you are, how heavy your heart is, or how poor you are, you should stick to it. The sun will rise after setting, and the unfortunate days will always have an end. This was the case in the past and will be the case in the future. -Mandino's Eternal Change

IV. Consciousness of the mind

When facing toxic parents, you should have the ability to judge, know that such parents are morbid and abnormal, and you should have some awareness.

people are born, and they have the right to pursue and obtain happiness.

There is a saying in Living the True Meaning of Life: Everything a person has can be deprived, except the last freedom of human nature. That is, the freedom to choose one's attitude and lifestyle in any situation cannot be deprived.

We are not lucky children. When we tried our best to go to Rome, some people were already born in Rome. We are a group of children without umbrellas. We can only run faster to avoid being caught in the rain. Even so, like birds, we try our best to fly to our own mountain.

We trudged out of the poisonous family of origin. Maybe we still have some scars on our bodies, but we have trained ourselves to understand medicine. We will go all the way to the place where flowers are in full bloom.

There is a saying in The Shawshank Redemption: You know, some birds are not meant to be caged, and every feather of them shines brightly.

THE END

About the author: Gu Ziyu, a freelance writer, a warm person, writes warm words.