1. If she dares to steal money today, she will dare to steal people tomorrow. This is all a one-stop operation.

2. Eat something to cheer up when you are unhappy, eat something to celebrate when you are happy, and eat something to kill yourself when you are bored.

3. Sometimes I hate myself. I can’t speak, I’m too kind, I don’t have any thoughts, and I’m so cute.

4. The so-called cheating is to get tired of playing with your own lover and to play with someone else's lover.

5. If you are bullying me, I will curse you for buying instant noodles without a fork.

6. If I am not good enough, I will try my best to give you the best.

7. Finally quit smoking, smoke a cigarette to celebrate.

8. Don’t just pursue the right, sometimes mistakes are more valuable

9. Under the ravages and devastation of time, I finally became a fearless person who is invulnerable to all poisons

10. When you go out, please remember: you must return the cow B to the cow!

11. Life is like a cup of hot water, it gets cold as you hold it in your hands.

12. It’s Chinese Valentine’s Day, and the most romantic thing is for a couple to get caught in the rain on the street

13. Looks like a pencil stick from close up, looks like a tin shovel from a distance

14. It seems that if I don’t let a chicken into the school, the school will not have a holiday.

15. To miss someone, use a longing mood; to like someone, use a sweet mood; and to love someone, use a sincere mood.

16. Don’t say I’m arrogant, it’s just that I refuse to deal with animals!

17. Only by eating all the time can I retain my full character. < /p>

20. There is a river there, what is it called if you jump into it? Don't think wrongly, I asked you to catch fish.

21. Some things you do wrong can never be undone, just like you and me.

22. You look down on such a good girl like me, boy, could it be that you like men?

23. You will never see me when I am the loneliest, because I am the loneliest only when you are not around me

24. After you see me, you will Suddenly I discovered that handsome people can be so specific!

25. Others hold hands, but I hold a dog in my hand. I walk around and take a look to see who bites the dog.

26. Smiling at you is purely polite

27. A strong life requires no explanation.

28. When the petals are flying, please be my beautiful bride.

29. You always have thousands of reasons but I always follow your feelings.

30. If you knew that I couldn’t see my way back and couldn’t find my way back, would you stop and accompany me?

31. If you can’t tolerate me, It means either you are too narrow-minded or my personality is too great.

32. The person who shits on your head may not be your enemy, it may be your son.

33. The monarch looked back and smiled, causing the earth to jump

34. In the 1970s, some barefoot doctors with little education were taken care of to work in the hospital, and the people at that time were simple. , so the following true story happened: One day, a middle-aged woman went to a hospital to see a doctor and happened to meet such a barefoot doctor.

35. The only person missing from Notre Dame de Paris is you.

36. These days, no one will believe you are a student if you don’t fall in love early, don’t be mean, don’t cheat, don’t be rebellious, don’t copy your homework, or don’t play with your mobile phone!

37. You are very creative and live a courageous life. Being ugly is not your intention, it is God’s anger.

38. I am short of sleep and money. Lack of love, lack of heart. The only thing I don’t lack is: there is no shortage of meat!

39. Hey, don’t show your worthless face in front of me, thank you.

40. Let me tell you what it means to be a homebody. I went downstairs to buy breakfast today and saw a man wearing a tank top, shorts, and flip-flops. He said to himself, "Fuck!" It’s already winter. Let’s talk about my mood with a funny personality

1. There is righteousness in the world, but there is no justice without money.

2. Other people’s money is my personal belongings.

3. I called my partner and she answered the phone.

4. Distance creates beauty, and it also creates small 3 and 4.

5. People need face, trees need bark, and telephone poles need cement.

6. If there was no love in the world, so many things would be great.

7. Born with a villain-like appearance, with a narrow forehead and a long mouth and tongue.

8. Forgive me for running all the way just to eat.

9. You made me understand what secret love is.

10. Use lies to test lies, and you will get only lies.

11. Happy days: going to bed after eating enough.

12. I am not a bone and cannot be chased by every dog.

13. Prerequisites for marriage: a car and a house, and both parents are dead.

14. The price of pigs has increased these days, why can’t you increase the price?

15. I am not familiar with Wu Bai, but his brother Erbai Wu is very familiar with me.

16. Find a girlfriend. Condition 1: Female. Condition two: alive.

17. When you go out, please remember: you must return the cow B to the cow!

18. Is the departure of shit due to the pursuit of the toilet or the lack of retention of the butt.

19. Listen to my advice, it doesn’t matter if your mind is empty, just don’t get wet.

20. Being pregnant is like being pregnant. It takes a long time for people to see it.

21. Companionship means that I am always there whether you need it or not.

22. Love has unknowingly changed its quality under the exposure of time.

23. Men enjoy a moment, but women enjoy the whole process.

24. My ears are not trash cans. Don’t throw anything here.

25. If I had known it was so difficult to find a girlfriend, I would have made an appointment with her.

26. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.

27. Pink lights, flirting with each other, tugging and tugging, not being able to see anyone.

28. You are a good person and a bad person. You are honest with me just to run towards her.

29. A woman said to a man: Come to my house, I will feed you.

30. Life is like a pressure cooker. You'll get used to it when you're under too much pressure.

31. The most romantic thing I can think of is to do all the postures with you.

32. The only difference between me and Superman is: I wear underwear inside.

33. The school is like a prison, the classroom is like a cell, and you listen to the teacher chanting scriptures every day.

34. I can’t satisfy everyone, because not everyone is human!

35. It’s none of your business that I like you. If you have the ability, you can also like me and give it a try.

36. I hope that all the money in my wallet will fall in love with each other, and then I will have many, many children.

37. Teacher, you are so awesome. You know that we don’t listen, but you still have to pretend to be strong and keep talking.

38. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I used them to roll my eyes.

39. Watching the gossip happen, if you don’t do it, wouldn’t you be too stupid!

40. The human body is limited. If there is too much fat, there will be no place for good looks.

41. Those who have poured cold water on me, I will definitely boil them and return them to you.

42. Some people say that I am ugly. I am very sad and feel sorry for him. He is blind at a young age.

43. When your mother takes you shopping, others ask: Sister, how much did you buy this monkey for?

44. I don’t know whose wife is on my bed, and I don’t know whose bed my wife is on!

45. In the past, beauties used to play non-mainstream games, but now fat pigs are running rampant. What happened to this?

46. Sleep is an art. No one can stop me from pursuing art.

47. If you are willing to peel off my heart layer by layer, you will go to jail, I tell you.

48. There are two things in the world that can lean on the glass, one is the gecko and the other is the head teacher.

49. The left brain is full of water, and the right brain is full of flour. If you don’t move, it’s nothing. If you move, it’s all paste.

50. The four major myths: the boss’s kidney, an official’s manuscript, the lady’s tears, and the statistics bureau’s table.

51. I admire people who never talk to me. I am so funny that they don’t even talk to me.

52. Some people take exams by strength, some people take exams by eyesight, and I rely entirely on imagination.

53. Two children argued about the day, and one said: One day is one day! One child said: One day is one day!

54. Life is really ironic. A person can actually become the person he once most disliked.

55. Why should I listen to you? Who am I? Are they my man, my parents? Who are you?

56. There is an old legend that says that those who can see beautiful women on the Beijing University of Posts and Telecommunications campus will live forever

57. In today's reversed era, men are playing tricks on beautiful women. Act cool, have money but don't have money to dig into your pocket, don't act innocent and act perverted.

58. We are all good students. We will not fall in love or elope. We will accompany you through the loudspeaker. My surname is Zeng in Class 1, Grade 2.

59. The four major evils of the new era are Toyota chassis, developers’ real estate, stock market and ex-boyfriend’s hard drive.

60. The most frustrating time in an exam is when I see a question. I vaguely remember that the teacher said it, but I clearly remember that I didn’t listen. .

61. I am so poor, why do I still gain weight? I don’t know how this fat grows. This problem has troubled me for many years.

62. There was a girl who was so cute, cute, and silly that I really wanted to date her. Just when I was about to walk over to her, I remembered that I was a girl.

63. A good girlfriend can save you 20G of computer space; a good boyfriend can save you 200 Nanfu batteries.

64. If a woman is a book, many women only have pages: a car is drawn on one page, a house is drawn on one page, and money is drawn on one page.

65. When a man does not belong to you, he makes you sigh what perfection is; when he belongs to you, he makes you sigh what reality is.

66. Time will slowly settle, and some people will slowly fade away in your heart. Learn to let go, your happiness needs your own fulfillment.

67. Human potential can be stimulated. I may not be able to carry 100 kilograms of stone. If it weighs 100 kilograms of RMB~I guarantee it! If you resist, run away~

68. Wife, I love you, just like a mouse loves rice, but I love you and rice. The mouse eats the rice, but I keep my wife in my heart.

69. After ten years of elementary school and twelve years of middle school, I was rated as the most familiar face in the school. When new teachers came, they all asked me about the inside story of the school

70. Listen It is said that people who make typos all the time have higher IQs. Because my IQ is too high, my hands can't keep up with the rhythm of my brain.

71. The three most confusing sentences in class: Why are you reading? Look at the blackboard! Why are you looking at the blackboard? Look at me! What are you looking at me for? Read a book!

72. Before I met you, I never knew the feeling of longing and the sweetness of love. Please promise me to let this feeling stay with you forever!

73. Love is a kind of obligation, which can only be understood deeply with you; love is a kind of happiness, which can only be gradually understood with you; love is a kind of expectation, waiting for you every minute and every second. .

74. It is absolutely forbidden to use the ministers to shout for the emperor! Your Majesty, please think twice! Make a wake-up call so that you will have a sense of mission and guilt every day when you stay in bed.

75. Hold your hand, follow the feeling, go to the entrance of the alley, let go of your hand, oh my, you dog, you will eat other people’s bitches without even saying hello. mouth! Funny stories that make people happy

1. In the ice cream shop, the waiter brought a glass of lemonade and asked: Sir, what do you want to eat? I took a sip of water and opened the menu. After looking through it, I raised my head and asked her: Are there any noodles? She looked surprised at first, and then said rudely: This is not a Shanxi noodle restaurant! I laughed and said: Sorry, I entered the wrong store. After saying that, I walked out feeling less thirsty than before.

2. Passerby: How much does a pair of insoles cost? Auntie: 5 yuan. Passerby: Let me see. Auntie: I made them all by myself. Look at the stitches. Passerby: Do you want to sell it for 3 yuan? Auntie: No, you can’t even buy it at this price!

3. I remember that when we first entered junior high school, none of us knew the teacher well. Once in a math class, the teacher wanted a classmate to go up to the blackboard to do a problem, but he forgot his name. It happened that the classmate was very fat. Our teacher pointed at the child and said something shocking: "That ball, come here and do this." Question.

4. In elementary school, I loved to sleep in class. Once, the Chinese class teacher assigned an assignment to write a composition titled "If I Were a Spider." After class, I asked my classmates. I racked my brains at home that night and wrote an article "If I Were a Pig" that shocked the whole school. Later I became famous in school

5. Today in the office, a female colleague climbed on the desk with a sad face. I came up and asked what was wrong, was it uncomfortable there? The colleague sighed and said: My sister is about to have a baby. Me: Why are you sad when your sister gives birth? Colleague replied: After her child is born, I will be a veritable aunt!!!

6. Today I saw a classmate on the balcony looking at the sky with his mobile phone. I went over and asked him what he was looking at. He said he was waiting for the plane. I said again that you can’t get on the plane. He said: When the plane flies over me, I can chat with the stewardess on WeChat. How many 20000 sketch horses galloped past in my heart!

7. My friend took me on an electric car and told me to take pictures of the girl in front of me. After filming, we sped away. Later, when I took the photo, my friend stopped and said to me: What are you doing? The world is quiet

8. Thirty years later, Jimmy Lin got on the bus to swipe his senior citizen card and was kicked off by the driver. , while crying, someone patted him on the shoulder: Use my senior card. He raised his head and almost lost his voice: Degang! The other party raised his index finger in front of his mouth: Shh, I am his son.

9. When I was in college, I went to an Internet cafe to stay overnight. About 12 o'clock, the school leaders came to check if I didn't come home. All the people in the Internet cafe ran out, but they were all arrested by the leaders.

Only one buddy escaped and I will tell you that when the school leader entered the Internet cafe, did he silently go to the corner to get a broom and sweep the floor there?

10. A few drift bottles were thrown into the mailbox. Content: Caichen, I am Xiaoqian, Guoer, I am aunt, I think it’s pretty good. I received a reply from a great god: Bajie, I am the master

11. She wears a phoenix crown and is as beautiful as a flower. She plays chess, calligraphy and painting, and she captivates the whole country. She is smart, talented and beautiful. Her country is beautiful and fragrant, and there are many admirers of her. She is cold and beautiful, and she is in a dilemma. She is unparalleled in the world, and she attracts everyone's attention. She is tolerant of those who wrong her, and she dispels injustice in the world. When she woke up, she remembered that the bowl from last night hadn't been rinsed yet, so she got up and ran to the kitchen.

12. Yesterday, a student came to school without washing his face, so I sent him home. Good idea, he must come to school clean today! No, all the classmates didn't wash their faces today.

13. Two days ago, a friend brought his naughty child from elementary school to my house. He turned my house into a mess and dismantled my collection of Transformers everywhere. So before leaving, I gave his parents a collection of elementary school math Olympiad exercises that I had treasured for many years.

14. I took my husband and daughter shopping today, and my daughter was walking in the middle. Suddenly he held both of our hands and started to sing that there was a chicken in my left hand and a duck in my right hand. Before I could react, my husband added that there was a toad in the middle and he is still coaxing his daughter.

15. It’s always hard to go out for a walk. Walk with your head up, for fear that you won't be able to pick up the money; walk with your head down, for fear that you won't be able to see the beauty. Then just nod and go.

16. Our class went hiking in the suburbs in the morning. When we were approaching the top of the mountain, the class teacher asked: Which student is the fastest? Me. replied the particularly naughty roommate. The head teacher said: Very good, the camera is still in the car, you go down and get it.

17. A friend sells recharge cards online. He always waits for the transaction platform to show that the buyer has paid, and then calls the other party to recharge the card. That day he told me that he had been cheated. I was very confused. I had already paid the money, could I still be cheated? He said: The person’s online name was that the buyer had paid. I didn’t look carefully and just charged it. .

18. An old man said to his friend: I am so lonely! In this world, I have no other relatives except a puppy. My friend said with great sympathy: Then just get another puppy!

19. A friend and her sisters were eating in a restaurant. Their hands were stained with oil and they wanted to wipe it with paper. I took out a pack of sanitary napkins. Unexpectedly, she didn't realize that she had taken it wrong and tore it open. Her friend got up and quickly walked to the other side to grab it, fearing it would be embarrassing to be seen. As a result, this girl didn't know the situation, so she screamed when she saw her coming to grab her. It immediately attracted the attention of the whole restaurant! Immediately two male waiters rushed over: Miss, you can't change here, you can't change!

20. Uncle, Saturday is my birthday. My mother promised to hold a birthday party for me. Can you come to attend? I will definitely come. At that time, you only need to press the doorbell with your head, and I will open the door for you immediately. Why can't I ring the bell with my hand? I'm afraid you brought too many gifts and I can't spare any time!

21. The wife suddenly asked her husband: Do you love me? Yes, of course! Husband Answer without hesitation. The wife thought for a moment and then asked: Are you afraid of hurting me? The husband quickly said: No, no, I was afraid of you hurting me.

22. Xiao Ming was transferred to a church school by his parents because he was not good at math. After half a year, I got straight A’s in math. Mom asked: Is it because the nuns teach well? Is it because the teaching materials are good? Is it because of prayer? None. Xiao Ming said, on the first day of entering school, I saw a person nailed to a plus sign, and I knew they were serious.

23. I went to a friend’s house to play, and it happened that the friend’s wife was breastfeeding (breast milk). It happened that the child refused to breastfeed, so I joked to the child: Eat quickly, or the uncle will eat it. 55555, I dare not see him. They are gone~! .

24. When I was in school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, held a pile of homework and asked me: Where is the math office? Next to the men's room. The math office is indeed next to the men's room, but to the left. The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted a report to the door. He paused for a moment, and a voice came from inside: "Don't let in~!"

25. One day, I was drunk and held my urine in my pee. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, pinch your penis, and then relieve yourself very smoothly. However. . My crotch felt increasingly wet. . . He opened his eyes and looked down carefully, and found that what he had just pinched was the thumb of the other hand. . . . . Speechless~!

26. I remember that I was in college and living separately from my boyfriend. I usually use my mobile phone to keep in touch every day. One day, I called his cell phone and it was shut down. I happened to be going to the canteen downstairs to buy something, so I gave him 20 yuan to recharge his phone bill. Unexpectedly, as soon as I returned to the dormitory, my boyfriend called me. He said: Haha, I didn’t expect that there are such XB people in the world. They even charged up their phone bills on his mobile phone... Three black lines immediately hung on my head~!

27. Drunk , went home in a daze, and vomited soon after returning home.

The next morning, my wife said: Just eat and drink when you go out, and don’t come home to report what you ate~!

28. When we were in the third year of high school, our history teacher was named Jianwen. There was Emperor Jianwen in the Ming Dynasty. One day when I was taking "Ancient History", the history teacher came into the classroom and said something in class, and the students below shouted "Long live the emperor, long live the emperor" (of course it was premeditated). What was strong was that the history teacher calmly replied: Everyone loves you ~ Pingsheng. Orz~ ?珏?~ At this time, the whole class is still standing~!

29. In the first aid class when I was in college, the professor was demonstrating cardiopulmonary resuscitation while talking: Professor: Press the chest with both hands, you can’t If the force is too strong, just press down 2~3cm. If the force is too strong, the patient's ribs may be broken easily! Professor: Please see the demonstration below (press hard with both hands), there will be a click! The ribs of the model are broken. I said awkwardly, get out of class is over~!

30. I went to my boyfriend’s house to spend the night, took a shower, saw a piece of soap, picked it up and used it. It felt weird when I used it. After I washed it, my boyfriend kissed me and I smelled something wrong. He asked me, "Didn't you use the soap you used to bathe Laifu?"..

31. My wife looked at my baby I looked at the photo of my nephew just after he was born. He was laughing and showing off his little penis. As a result, my little nephew coldly called him a gangster~!

32. When I was a child, I played with the older sister next door. (I was five years old and she was seventeen). She asked me to lick her. After licking her for ten minutes, she folded a paper star for me. I was not allowed to tell others, otherwise she would not fold it for me in the future. Now, I often look at the jar full of paper stars on my bookcase in a daze, and make love to the wife next door~!

33. I had sex with my wife last night. She was lying on the table and we were in progress. , I saw my wife touching the table twice, picking up a walnut and starting to bite it. I collapsed and said: Wife, we only do this once a week, can you be more professional~!

34 , that day I suddenly received a call: Guess who I am? If you guess it correctly, you will get a gift! I guessed all the possible people, but it was still wrong. Later, I got angry and asked you who the fuck is? I hung up the phone if you didn’t tell me! As a result, the person said: I am delivering express, and when you got a package, I vomited blood~!.. 2013 classics that can make you happy Personalized and funny phrases to talk about your mood

1. First love is infinitely better, but it’s just that you fall in love too early.

2. My girlfriend said that she found a job in Japan and told me to work hard in China and not watch AV if nothing happened.

3. I am afraid that I will be more sad, so I have to pretend to be colder than you.

4. There are two me in this world, one pretends to be happy and the other is really sad.

5. Get out of my life with your good for me.

6. Why do you suddenly want to cry? Could it be that I also have a little sadness that flows against the current like a river?

7. I wish you loneliness and a long life.

8. When I work hard to improve my self-cultivation, there are always some people who just like to come over and be cannon fodder... Then I have to change my perspective and help you!

9. No matter how much I love you, it is not worth saying I will marry you.

10. My boyfriend said that he found a job in Thailand and told me to work hard in China and not to travel to Thailand.

11. If you hate a man, beat his woman like Li Yuchun so that he can’t enjoy the pleasure of the upper body. If you hate a woman, beat her man like Li Yuchun so that she can’t enjoy the pleasure of the upper body. Enjoy the pleasure of your lower body.

12. Who can be as firm in their feelings for me as...for the RMB?

13. When your mother gave birth to you, she must have been full of anxiety, absent-minded, and so sloppy...

14. Don't always look depressed as if you were constipated!

15. What makes people crazier than falling in love is falling out of love.

16. Although he is obviously the son of a township cadre, he still has the temperament of a wealthy second generation urban man.

17. If no one gives you steps to get off, you might as well move a chair yourself.

18. After the stock market plummeted, there was a retaliatory rebound. I occasionally do extraordinary things to express my dissatisfaction. Is that understandable?

19. How many pairs of those eyes that were shaken off when you were young will be left after ten years?

20. People who don’t have a boyfriend have time every night...