Have you ever had such an experience?

You have been sad for a long time when faced with a friend's heart-wrenching words, but the other person hurt you again and again, so you continue to struggle with the heart-wrenching words and years of friendship, and even question this relationship. How long can friendship last?

In the face of your own children, you clearly teach out of all your love, but your children ignore your existence, even get more aggressive with you, and even make excuses by joking that there is a generation gap between us and we cannot communicate. !

When facing your lover, you always want to go out of your way to express love to him and ask for attention, but the other person seems to be evasive and insincere, which makes you angry and even feels that "you can't wake up someone who pretends to be asleep..." ”

Why do we always have these dissatisfactions when we treat everything with care in our daily lives? If you look closely, you will find that this is due to a communication problem. In other words, the communication between the two people is not on the same channel.

When one party is subconsciously accused, the reaction of us normal people is definitely not to happily say: "You are really right, I will change it immediately." Instead, we will habitually refute, be very irritable emotionally, and actionally Uncooperative. When one party is making accusations and seeing the other party's reaction, we will become more and more angry, furious, and manic.

Generally when something happens in life that makes us feel very hurt and helpless, we will say: "I can't communicate with you." and attribute it to ineffective communication.

What causes ineffective communication?

The husband said to his wife: "You have a lot of things to do, can you hurry up?"

The wife said to her husband: "Drink, drink, you know how to drink, you drink Forget it!"

The teacher said to the student: "You are so stupid, how can I teach you?"

The superior said to the subordinate: "You are late all the time. Do you want me to give you an alarm clock?"

Is this a familiar scene? Even if there is no shouting and screaming, it is not uncomfortable to listen to. The mental and emotional trauma is even more painful than the physical injury. But are these contents unfamiliar to us?

Criticism, ridicule, denial, preaching, arbitrary evaluation, labelling, arbitrary interruption are everywhere. In fact, we live in a painful and violent world. But luckily God sent a non-violent angel! He is Dr. Marshall Luxemburg.

Dr. Marshall Luxemburg, born in 1934, is the founder of the International Center for Nonviolent Communication and the world’s first nonviolent communication expert. He studied under Carl Rogers, the father of humanistic psychology.

In 1984, he established the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CMVC) to guide people in using nonviolent communication in work and life to eliminate differences and disputes and achieve efficient communication. He also helped solve many problems around the world. disputes and conflicts.

Due to his outstanding achievements in promoting human harmony and harmony, in 2006, he won the Bridge of Peace Award from the Global Village Foundation. His "Nonviolent Communication" is still a best-seller to this day, helping more and more people unlock the code of love and understanding.

Dr. Marshall said in "Nonviolent Communication": "I believe that people are born with a love of life and a willingness to help each other. However, what is it that makes it difficult for us to realize the love in our hearts, so that we hurt each other? And what is it? What allows some people to be loving even in a hostile environment? "

"Nonviolent communication" is also called the "language of love", borrowed from Mahatma Gandhi. Refers to the natural love after violence subsides - that is, "non-violence". Nonviolent communication is applicable to all levels of communication and various environments, such as families, schools, organizations, negotiations, etc. It has four elements: observation, feeling, need and request, which constitute an important model of nonviolent communication.

01 Cultivate love for yourself

The most important application of non-violent communication is to love yourself. In our daily communication, when we behave imperfectly, we are often accustomed to treating ourselves as a tool, a tool full of flaws, and start to blame ourselves.

This kind of self-blame evaluation often leads to hatred and is not conducive to learning or growth. These so-called negative self-evaluations will make us unable to see the beauty of life, and will also forget that we are special beings, thus treating ourselves as a chair.

How to cultivate love for yourself? First of all, we must change the way of self-evaluation. We hope that everything we do is beneficial. Then this way of self-evaluation must be conducive to learning and make our choices meet the needs of life.

In the play "A Thousand Clowns" written by Herb Gardner, the protagonist refuses to surrender his 12-year-old nephew to a children's orphanage. He said solemnly: "I hope he knows accurately how special a life he is, otherwise, he will ignore this as he grows up. I hope he stays awake and sees all kinds of wonderful possibilities." I want him to know that when given the chance, it's worth it to make a little difference in the world against all odds. I also want him to know why he is a person, not a chair.

”

And some negative self-evaluations, such as self-blame and shame, when we think that what we have done is wrong or bad, we feel pain for this, and many people are trapped in self-hatred. There is no way to benefit from mistakes, because mistakes reveal our limitations and guide our growth.

For example: Dr. Marshall bought a light gray summer suit the day before attending a seminar. There were many people attending the seminar. At the end, many people gathered around him to ask for his address, other information, and signatures. In order to rush to the next meeting, he hurriedly signed a message and put the pen in the pocket of his new coat. , forgetting to wear the pen cap. When he got outside, he found that his coat was stained with ink.

For 20 minutes, he kept scolding himself: "How can you be so careless? Making such a stupid mistake? "At this time, he has just lost a brand new coat. If he needs to be understood in life, then it is time. But he is reprimanding himself.

Fortunately, in 20 minutes, Then, realizing what he was doing, he calmed down and began to think about what needs his ink-stained coat had left him unfulfilled.

He asked himself: "I blamed myself for being careless. ' and 'stupid', what needs are they trying to satisfy? ”

He immediately understood that he actually wanted to take care of himself: pay more attention to his own needs while rushing to respond to other people’s requests. Of course, his mood changed immediately. He He no longer felt angry, ashamed and guilty, and his body felt relieved. He felt the sadness of losing a new coat and forgetting to bring his pen cap, and he had a strong desire to take care of himself.

Then he started again. Thinking about what needs he put in his pocket, he realized how important it was for him to respond to other people's requests, but he neglected himself in order to try to meet the needs of others. Some needs. Thinking of this, he did not blame himself, but felt a deep love for himself - even when he absentmindedly put the pen into his pocket, he was satisfying his desire to serve others.

In this way, he managed to accommodate both the needs of the "I" who regretted a certain past behavior and the "I" who adopted that behavior: on the one hand, to serve others; Take care of yourself.

I believe that in similar situations, as long as you can realize the needs of these two aspects, you can overcome difficulties flexibly. On the contrary, if you get stuck in inner conflict, it will only make the situation worse. .

So when we behave imperfectly, we can see the direction of personal growth through experiencing sadness and self-forgiveness, and avoid self-punishment when we evaluate our actions and focus on what is not yet satisfied. Need, so that we no longer rely on shame, guilt, anger or frustration to seek change, and let love lead our learning and growth

02 Listening is the best understanding

< p>When we hear unpleasant words, we have four choices: blame ourselves, blame others, understand our own feelings and needs, and understand the feelings and needs of others. The latter two are the best ways to resolve conflicts. Method.

Whether it is to understand other people’s feelings or to understand your own feelings, the most important thing is to learn to listen.

What would it be like if a person had the opportunity to listen? Rogers wrote: "How wonderful it is to have people who listen to you, don't judge you, don't worry about you, and don't try to change you... Whenever I get people to listen and understand me, I can see the world in a new light. , and keep going...it's amazing! Once someone listens, seemingly unsolvable problems can find solutions and myriad threads of thought can become clear. ”

When listening and understanding others, express it clearly and specifically, “You do... because...” “You think...” “You don’t believe...” “You hope...” ”

There is such a story about listening to prevent potential violence. A woman was working the night shift at a drug rehabilitation center in Toronto. A man who had just taken drugs came in and asked for a room to rest. At that time, The room was already full, but the man didn’t believe it, and he held the knife to the lady’s throat crazily.

The lady took a calm breath and said, “It looks like you are really angry. You want a room to rest. "

"Yes, even if I am an addict, I still need respect. No one respects me, which makes me mad. Even my parents look down on me. I need respect. "The man said.

"Are you angry that you don't get respect from others? "

......

After saying a few words, she no longer looked at the addict as a demon. This lasted for 35 minutes. He let go of the lady, And put away the knife, and the lady also helped her find a place to live in another drug rehabilitation center.

Those people we regard as demons are actually still people, but sometimes we can't see them. Similar to us, the more you focus on his feelings and needs, the more you see him as someone who is desperate because his needs are not being met.

Listening gives us the courage to face our own. Weaknesses, it can also help us prevent potential violence and make conversations lively and interesting. The key is that through listening, we have the ability to understand a person's unique feelings and needs at a certain moment.

03 Anger is not necessarily the devil

Nonviolent communication does not advocate ignoring or suppressing anger. It believes that through a deep understanding of anger, we can fully express our inner desires.

First of all, why do we get angry?

Many times we attribute our anger to the behavior of others. In fact, the reason for anger lies in our thoughts - criticism and accusations against others.

The root cause of emotions is your own needs, not your needs that others can control. Accusations and abuses make us very angry. The root cause of anger is that we feel that we are not respected or valued, but respected or valued. It is sought within, without the help of external objects, and no one can control our own thoughts.

So once we become aware of our needs, whether it’s friendship, integrity or rest, we can be more considerate of ourselves. If we are unaware of our own unmet needs and are preoccupied with thinking about the faults of others, we will inevitably become angry.

Anger is caused by the way we think, and at its core is an unmet need. Viewing people as "upright" or "dishonest", "responsible" or "irresponsible" can also lead to violence. Life is better served by focusing on our needs rather than judging others for who they are.

What are the steps to express anger?

First, stop and breathe.

Second, pay attention to our accusations.

Third, realize our needs.

Fourth, express feelings and unmet needs.

The more you listen to others, the better your chances of being listened to.

Ma Yili once talked about her "composition" in "Round Table School". She said that when she was a child, she had a not very bad habit, which was to have something in her heart and hope others would guess it. If others couldn't guess it, When you come out, you will be very unhappy, and this unhappiness will also make the people around you unhappy.

Many netizens commented that they just wanted to scold Hao Zuo, but after thinking about it, they found that the same thing happened to them when they were children. Is this mentality very common? Even if it is not as extreme as Ma Yili, we will still cover up to varying degrees in communication. The mentality of not expressing directly, but hoping that the other party will guess, is because in our culture, we have been taught since childhood to be "polite", "obedient" and "reserved".

Daily education usually makes us ignore our true thoughts and inner needs. Over time, we will not be able to observe and express them clearly. Then only when we pay attention to ourselves, cultivate love for ourselves, listen to ourselves and others reasonably, and express anger appropriately, can we have the opportunity to meet and feel the most real needs, and then have the opportunity to express and solve the problem.

In fact, the most important thing in non-violent communication is to truly face the feelings and needs of oneself and others. The secret to problem-solving and non-violent communication is to calm down and feel the needs behind the surface anger, anger and other negative emotions.

When we are accustomed to using violent language without knowing it, what we see in front of us is rebellion, resistance, anger, accusation, and powerless silence; when we are attacked by violent language, we unconsciously Wearing armor to protect ourselves, we either remain silent or resist. At this moment, what is left to the other party is not love, but a cold reaction.

In short, there are four elements throughout "Nonviolent Communication": observation, feeling, need, and evaluation. Only by using it flexibly in various scenarios can you discover the magical and peaceful way of non-violent communication. In this way, people will gain love, harmony and happiness.

So let’s start practicing the concepts in "Nonviolent Language"! To heal the secret pain deep in the heart; to transcend the limitations of one's mind and emotions; to break through the thinking patterns that cause anger, frustration, anxiety and other negative emotions, to resolve interpersonal conflicts in a non-harmful way, and learn to Build a harmonious life experience.

When we shed the hidden mental violence, love will naturally reveal itself.