For a long time, I have tried to get rid of the influence of others' evaluation and build my own internal evaluation system, which I feel is great and I don't care much about others' eyes. However, two things have changed my view of "others' evaluation" recently.
near the end of last year, I changed my job. The reason for my job-hopping was that I was not enthusiastic about my original industry and was a little overwhelmed. But the reason that I initially ignored was that it was difficult for me to admit my professional identity from my heart. I resisted introducing myself to others as such a professional identity. I said in an article that I was anxious about failing to complete the life tasks stipulated by society at a certain age, and then I passed psychological construction. I don't care so much about this matter, but when I dig deep into my heart, I find that I still care a little, because I unconsciously evaluate myself from the perspective of society.
Through these two things, I realized that I really can't ignore my evaluation of others. At the same time, considering these two things, I also improved my view of "my relationship with others". I'll talk to you today.
Connecting with others is a natural need of the brain. No matter how to overcome the flattering personality or anxious personality, don't pay too much attention to the advice of psychologists. In this regard, I think this proposal is correct, but it is really difficult to achieve, so don't avoid the difficulty of implementing this proposal. Why is it difficult to achieve?
By studying the structure of the brain, brain scientists found that we naturally need to connect with others. "Sociality" is a book to interpret the human "social brain". This book explains that there is a "default network" in the human brain, which refers to the default execution mode of the brain when it is not performing other tasks. What does the "default network" do? Social awareness.
That is to say, when people do nothing, we will unconsciously and occasionally engage in social thinking. For example, imagine how warmly we will be praised by our colleagues when we finish the project at hand, think of quarreling with friends today, reflect on what we did wrong, and consider the entanglements with our lovers, it is necessary to solve them as soon as possible ...
This book also explains what will happen if we are disconnected from others, if we can't get it in public speech. Or being publicly rejected or accused by others, we will have social pain. That kind of pain is the same as physical pain and shares the same neural process. Therefore, it is our innate need to establish a connection with others. On the contrary, if we are rejected, accused, despised and rejected by others, we will experience great social pain.
When we try not to care about others' comments, don't forget how important others' approval is to us. "Without others, you can't do your own thing." Connecting with others can not only meet the natural needs of the brain, but also regulate your own behavior and better understand yourself. I have experienced feelings of guilt, but if I let others down, I may feel guilty. In order not to hurt others, we will try to regulate our own behavior.
In the column "Xiang Li Knowledge Internal Reference", I heard about the connection between people's guilty tendencies and work advantages. The program said that it is actually one of the benefits of work to easily feel guilty. "Individuals with strong guilt have high commitment to the organization, and their achievements in performance appraisal are more leadership than those who are not easy to feel guilty." "People with strong guilt tendencies will try their best to deal with the problems they cause and eliminate the harm to others.
Mr. yohji yamamoto has a famous saying about "self". You may have seen it in other places, and I wrote it in an article (you can click on the blue text to view it). This sentence says, I can't see the thing "self", and I can only know "self" after meeting something else. How do you understand this sentence? Talking about the relationship between self and others and society.
First of all, others are our yardstick to measure ourselves, and we can treat ourselves more fairly. Secondly, our conflict with the outside world is a bridge for us to better understand ourselves and the relationship between ourselves and others and society. One book has given me special inspiration. This book does not talk about interpersonal relationships, but teaches you how to write stories-the story called Scripture.
In the book, all good stories have the indispensable element of conflict. Conflict refers to the protagonist's struggle against the external opposition in pursuit of his own desires. As an audience, we hope to see the protagonist get hurt in the confrontation, let them seize the heart and destroy all the forces of confrontation. In life, we also hope that life will be smooth without any setbacks. However, this book gives me a new perspective to look at contradictions and conflicts.
Please look at the following words, which are the most shining words I have seen in The Story. "The only way to understand the profound characters is their choices under pressure." Therefore, conflict and pain are both opportunities. Facing them squarely can help us understand ourselves better.
Cai Kangyong shared his experience in the 15th issue of Strange Tales. When many people asked him to sign, he was asked to write three words "Be yourself". After writing these three words several times, he finally decided to write a book and answer his own way. He felt that when many people wanted to be themselves, others seemed to feel that they were hell, which brought them pressure and troubles, so he wrote "Be yourself".
However, when he wrote a book, he deeply felt that you can't be yourself without others. The process of life is to get as many opportunities as possible to complete with other people you meet. Since others are very important for us to regulate our own behavior and know ourselves better, many psychologists and media have advised us not to care too much about other people's comments. What are we talking about?
In fact, this suggestion doesn't mean that we are willing to cover our ears and say "I don't listen" every time we hear different opinions. What this suggestion makes us resist is the stereotype of others, and the evaluation standard of society is too single. We hope that the society will expect us too single, such as the "template life" stipulated by our social clock. Many people graduate from prestigious schools, have high-paying jobs, have houses, cars and wives, and the evaluation standard of children is successful.
There are two prerequisites for us to care about other people's evaluation. On the other hand, because we have discovered more values in the world, on the other hand, we don't combine many people, but we have our own circle, so I know that I am not the only one who resists such social expectations.
People who have made achievements in their own fields but are not recognized by the public don't care about many people's comments. They resist because of their relatively shallow aesthetics and understanding to the public. For example, some writers and painters think that their works are not popular with the public, but they don't deliberately cater to the public because they understand their own values, and they are writing towards the history of literature and art.
In addition, don't pay too much attention to other people's comments. People who often doubt themselves and can't find their own values say that people with their own opinions can better shield others' unreasonable expectations and overly narrow values. However, people who always doubt themselves, especially those who want to cut off others' comments, know themselves objectively and fairly, and build their own internal evaluation system.
finally, how can we not care too much about other people's comments? I have two thoughts to share with you. The first suggestion is that I also wrote in my previous articles that I can broaden my horizons by reading and interacting with different people. Jiang Fangzhou once said that people who don't study and TA's values are mostly decided by TA's close friends.
By reading actively and communicating with people with different values, you will find more valuable worlds. In the process, you will be impacted by some ideas, but this impact will take you into a bigger world, and it will also help us realize what is the most important value in our hearts.
The second suggestion is to establish your own "cross of doubt" and adjust your self-knowledge. The biggest misunderstanding of many people's self-knowledge is to measure their own personality characteristics by the success or failure of the results. In fact, we should know that the two are completely different. "Not a success or failure hero" is the attitude we should have. The "cross of doubt" is a tool to adjust our cognition. How to use it? First of all, make four quadrants, write the success of life at the right end of the horizontal axis, and write the failure of life at the left end of the horizontal axis. There are shortcomings and mistakes at the top of the vertical axis, and there are no shortcomings and mistakes at the bottom of the vertical axis.
If people who know are placed in this quadrant, although there are many shortcomings and mistakes, there are also people who have succeeded in life, people who have failed in life, some people who have succeeded in life without any shortcomings, and some people who have failed in life without any shortcomings. For example, Jobs, who has succeeded in many shortcomings, or friends who have no shortcomings but have a messy life, can all be placed somewhere in this quadrant. What does this mean?
In fact, the success or failure of life does not depend on the success or failure of some things and our own advantages and disadvantages. Our own advantages and disadvantages cannot be expressed only by the success or failure of some things. Our life is full of mixed successes and failures, advantages and disadvantages. We are never as bad as we imagined, nor as invincible as we expected, which will help us to understand and evaluate ourselves more comprehensively. Finally, I hope you can find someone who has your own opinions, understands you and supports you.