At two o' clock in the morning, the traffic police hiding in the dark murmured:
Secret law enforcement is cool, the new fashion in Europe and America,
Headquarters speaks out, and those who don't obey the rules are punished to death!
Elder brother turned a stall for half a night, tired and hungry, thinking of haven't pulled enough gas money, just let out a sigh:
Dai Yue, I'm busy pulling rickshaws, and my whole body is sad.
I can't afford to live in a hospital, I can't afford to buy a house, and I want to be heartbroken at the thought of traffic police.
Suddenly, the traffic police jumped out from behind the tree and stopped the brother.
Traffic police: (pointing to my brother's face) The double yellow line turns around and turns retrograde with the high beam on. You will be fined 800 yuan, and deducted 12 points!
Brother: (horrified) Why don't you punish the police car in front?
Traffic police: People are on official business!
Senior Brother: (puzzled) How do you know he is on business?
Traffic police: (impatient) This is a state secret!
Brother: (Be careful) There are military vehicles behind that. Why not punish it?
Traffic Police: Are you responsible for the delay in military affairs?
Brother: (muttering in a low voice) What military affairs did you have in the middle of the night? Didn't you fight?
Traffic police: Why so much nonsense! Give me your driver's license, driving license, hand guard card and arbitrary collection card!
Brother: Look at the other Audi.
Traffic police: Are you fucking bored? Didn't see whose car it was? I can afford it?
Brother: Audi followed a big run!
Traffic police: (rolling their eyes) You fucking want to kill me, don't you? Do you believe it or not?
Brother: (wiping the saliva off his face) But you let some cars go just now!
Traffic Police: One is my third aunt's neighbor, the other is my captain's seven aunts and eight aunts' sister-in-law, and there is a delicate little sister who looks like Zhang Ziyi (swallowing saliva). How can I be punished?
Brother: (wiping tears) You don't punish many cars, why do you punish me to death?
Traffic Police: (It doesn't matter) Why can't this product pass? How to finish the task without punishing you? How to execute the commission? How to achieve a well-off society?
Brother: (unwilling) I think you still focus on education. ...
Policeman: How much is the (contemptuous) education worth? Teach you what to eat? To tell the truth, we deliberately opened a mouth on the double yellow line and set a trap. The cat will wait for you to get behind the tree and take the bait.
Brother: (fainting for a while) Then I'll get up early and work for you these ten days. Do you have a conscience?
Traffic Police: (Seriously) Just admit it. Who told you that you are a bad driver?
Brother: (standing unsteadily, holding the car with both hands) I'm old and young, and I haven't eaten dinner yet. At this rate, I am either exhausted or punished by you!
Traffic Police: (Conscience) Dude, that's your life. If you die early and raise early, become immortal in the next life or climb relatives or friends with immortals, then I dare not punish you even if I eat Xiong Xinbao!
Brother: (spits out one mouthful blood) You are cruel! Can't you get a discount and a fine?
Traffic police: Once cooked twice, you can order it for me later, and I will definitely give you a cheaper price next time. Take the ticket first. ...
Suddenly there was a flash of lightning in the night sky, and my brother let out a cry of vomiting blood and fell to the ground. Two lines of tears rolled down his pale cheeks. My brother looked at the distance blankly and sang, "I found a penny on the side of the road and gave it to … the police uncle … the police uncle took the money and nodded to me." I said happily: Uncle ... Goodbye! Singing here, my brother closed his eyes with a smile. ...
Traffic police: (crying on my brother) Brother, you can't die. You have to pay the fine first, and then you missed it.
My brother slowly opened his eyes again and said with all his strength, "It's not easy for me to die once. I'll come to you tonight if you don't come back! " ! "
A traffic policeman stopped her "Otto" at the intersection, saluted and asked her to show her driver's license.
"Why is this?" She asked frankly in surprise.
"You violated the traffic regulations."
"Who told you that?"
"I saw it myself. Show me your papers, I'm waiting. "
"Do you think I don't have a driver's license?"
"I don't think so."
"But how can I give my certificate to a complete stranger?"
"I am a traffic policeman, and I have the right to do so."
"But how do I know you are a traffic policeman?"
"Didn't you see the uniform I was wearing?"
"Uniforms can explain? Uniforms can be forged. I remember 10 years ago, my friend Coco met a soldier ... "
"Please don't tell me a story, I'm waiting for your proof."
"This is not a story, this is the past. I just want to prove that uniforms are not always credible. "
"Well, I can show you my work permit."
"This ... well, let me see. hum
"But the picture doesn't look like you?"
"I don't know, maybe I didn't wear a hat."
"Really? Take off your hat and let me have a look. Also, stand up straight and don't frown. Yes, a little. Have you been taking pictures for a long time? "
"Seven years ago ..." "This can be seen. You looked very handsome then. "
"Well, please give me my certificate back."
"What's your hurry? Nothing will happen as long as the document is not forged. "
"But I won't be free. I am on duty. "
"Do you think I have a lot of free time? I'm going to the market soon, and I have to go to the seamstress, visit my sick aunt and call my husband ... "
"I beg you, give me my certificate back quickly! Look at how many cars are blocked behind you. "
"How can you blame me? You know, I didn't stop you, you stopped me. "
"Okay, okay, I was wrong. I only ask you to give me your certificate and drive away. "
"It is! Here's your file. Don't create traffic jams in the future. "
Four Zhang San is a famous miser in town. One day, his relatives came to visit his home. Just outside came a cooked beef seller, and his relatives said to Zhang San, "Buy me a catty of beef, and your family will eat tofu." Zhang San felt embarrassed and had to go out to buy beef. Soon, I heard the voice of bargaining from outside. "How about three yuan a catty?" "no!" "How about five yuan a catty?" "no! ! ! ! ""Seven yuan a catty belongs to the head office. " "No, no, not even a hundred dollars!" Zhang San came back and said to his relatives, "Somehow, he just refused to sell it to me." His relatives have to admit that they are unlucky. In the evening, his wife scolded him: "Are you stupid? Three yuan a catty is not enough. Do you want seven dollars? " Zhang San said, "No, I'm exchanging bricks with him!" " "
Billy walked into a pub and just sat down. Suddenly, he saw an angry young man tied to a post. He asked the boss:
"Hey, what's the matter?"
"He was drunk and caused trouble." The boss replied.
Billy took the glass and thought about it. He felt right and said:
"Boss, please prepare another rope."
My friend's younger brother, Xiao Huang, is less than 20 years old and loves sports. Although he always dreamed of becoming a sports star, he remained unknown. After the Olympic Games, he envied the sight that Olympic champions were surrounded by sports fans to sign autographs wherever they went. Recently, I began to practice my autograph privately and tried to practice my handwriting.
Last night, Xiao Huang went to a restaurant for dinner. Just when he was in the mood, his cell phone rang. Because it was too noisy in the restaurant, Xiao Huang jumped over a chair like a Liu Xiang hurdle when answering the phone, and then ran out quickly.
This caught the attention of a young waitress, who quickly grabbed a pen and a notebook and chased it out. Seeing Xiao Huang answering the phone, he stood there shyly with a pen and paper, which was embarrassing.
Xiao Huang was elated when he saw it, and soon hung up. I think I can finally overcome my star addiction.
Soon, he picked up a pen, signed his name in the notebook, solemnly patted the waitress on the shoulder and said, "Thank you for supporting me. Sooner or later, I will be as famous as Liu Xiang! "
On the weekend of July, I went to Dongdan on business by air-conditioned bus. The conductor is a beautiful young girl with good service. I remind passengers to protect their belongings from time to time, get on at the front door and get off at the back door, and constantly answer the passengers' travel routes. The most important thing is that she always keeps smiling. I saw many people in the car give her a satisfied look.
When the garage arrived in Xidan, a group of foreigners came up. The conductor introduced the bus routes, Tiananmen Square in Beijing, Wangfujing and other tourist attractions to foreign friends in fluent English. A standard and fluent spoken English immediately conquered all the passengers on the bus. I think we should also conquer those foreigners, right?
I saw those foreigners looking at each other, and then said to the conductor in very standard Mandarin, "Excuse me, would you please speak Mandarin? We can't understand the dialect you speak! "
Once, a painter met a famous critic in a cafe. The critic once rudely criticized the painter's latest works.
The painter said to the critic, "If you want to comment on a painting fairly, the critic himself must be able to draw."
"My dear artist," replied the critic, "I have never laid an egg in my life, but believe me, I can taste scrambled eggs better than any hen."
Some friends are traveling in the country. At dusk, they were shrouded in fog. A few hours later, they found a farmhouse where they could ask for directions.
There is a big dog tied to the farmhouse, and travelers are afraid to go in. After waiting for a long time, they finally saw the lights on in the window facing the street, so they threw pebbles at the window to attract the householders. Soon, a girl opened the window, leaned out and whispered:
"Is that Hans? You're too early. My parents are still awake. "
John doesn't like the cat at home. He drove for 20 minutes and put it on the side of the road, but when he went home, the cat came back.
The next day, he drove for 40 minutes to throw away the cat, but when he came home, the cat was still at home.
On the third day, he drove a longer distance, deliberately turned seven and eight corners, trying to make the cat lose the direction of going home, and then threw it away. A few hours later, John called his wife: "Is the cat back?" His wife told him, "I'm back, and you?"
"I'm lost and I can't come back!"
1 1 strict cohabitation of an old maid. They never talk to men for more than a minute, don't sit in men's chairs, and even if there is a bitch, they never step out of the door.
Later, one of them got married. During the honeymoon, the other old maid has been worried about her companions at home and wants to know what will happen on the wedding night. As a result, a week later, she received a thank-you card from her married partner, which said, "Let's take the dog out for a walk tomorrow! It's good for you and it. "
12 The departure time of the plane was delayed again and again, and more than 200 passengers waited at the airport for 24 hours. Finally, the passengers were told that they could board the plane.
When passing the airport security check, a passenger shouted: "What is the need to search for weapons on us? If someone shoots, he will shoot. "
13 The wife asked her husband sleepily, "Did you come back late? I think I heard the wall clock just strike two. "
"The wall clock struck twice, dear," the husband replied. "It should have struck ten, but I turned the pointer so as not to wake you."
American astronauts and Soviet astronauts landed on the moon at the same time. Soviet astronauts announced that the moon belonged to the Soviet regime, and American astronauts got orders from Houston: Don't clash with the Soviets. So, American astronauts watched the Soviets paint the whole moon red and walked away. At this time, they got instructions from Houston: write white Coca-Cola on it!
15 A man came to a pub in a small town in Texas, USA, and ordered a glass of wine for himself. At this time, George W. Bush appeared on TV, and the man shouted, "This is the biggest horse butt I have ever seen." A guest got up from the corner, walked up to him and gave him a slap in the face.
After a while, George W. Bush's wife appeared on the screen, and the man shouted, this horse has a big ass, too. "All the guests stood up and each gave him a slap in the face.
"My God, this must be George W. Bush's hometown."
"No, this is the hometown of horses." A guest replied.
16 Lenin is dying. Tell him to call his successor Stalin to the Kremlin as soon as possible. He had a few words to entrust on his deathbed.
"To tell the truth, I still have a hidden worry, Stalin."
"Go ahead, dear ilych." Stalin listened attentively.
"So, people will go with you? I don't know if you have thought about it? "
"They will definitely come with me." Stalin emphasized: "I will!"
I hope so. Lenin said, "I'm just worried. What will you do if they don't go with you? "
"No problem!" Stalin replied, "Then they have to go with you!"
/kloc-one day in 0/7, little John came home and asked his father, "What is politics?"
Father said, "It's hard to tell. Let me make an analogy. In our family, I make money, I am bourgeois, your mother is in charge of financial power, and she is the cabinet. We are responsible for all your expenses. You are the people. Nannies are working-class people. And your little brother, we call him Outlook. "
Little John said, "Not exactly.
"You are very experienced."
The baby wets the bed at night, and little John wants to ask his mother to change diapers. He opened the door of his parents' bedroom and saw his mother sleeping alone in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he closed the door and went out. Then he wanted to call the nanny, but he saw his father sleeping with the nanny. He didn't wake them up.
The next day, little John said to his father, "I understand what politics is."
The father said, "Oh? Then you can read it again as I said yesterday. "
Little John said: "When the bourgeoisie colluded with the working class, the cabinet fell asleep, and the people turned a blind eye to it, and the prospects were filthy."
18 If there is a parking lot with 100 parking space.
For Americans, you can park 80 cars-Americans have big cars.
Germans can stop 100 cars-Germans are the most disciplined.
The cars that can stop at 120 are Japanese cars-Japanese cars are small.
If you give it to people in Taiwan Province Province, you can only park two cars-one at the exit.
An American historian and a Russian historian discussed who led the first half of the 20th century.
"I voted for Mr. Hoover," said the American. "He tried to teach us Americans to give up drinking!"
"That's nothing!" The Russian went on to say, "I chose Stalin. He tried to teach us Russians not to eat. "
Stalin, Zhang and Brezhnev went out by train. The train went on and stopped suddenly.
Stalin stuck his head out of the window and roared, "Shoot the train driver!" But the car still didn't move.
At this time, Zhang said, "Restore the reputation of train drivers!" The car still hasn't moved.
Brezhnev said: "Comrades, you'd better close the curtains, sit in your seats and shake yourself and pretend that the train is still moving!"
Gorbachev came: "Comrades, get down and push the cart!"
In the investigation of 2 1 bribery case, the suspect bank governor, corporate legal person and members of parliament were summoned to the office, and the court used a "lie detector" as never before.
The corporate legal person first confessed: "I have been bribing 5 million. . . "
"beep!" The polygraph makes a sound.
The enterprise legal person immediately changed his mouth: "It is 9 million."
The president of the bank then admitted: "I only took one million out of the nine million, and the rest was used as bank income. . . "
"beep! Hey! " The polygraph rang again.
The bank governor immediately changed his mouth: "I said it backwards."
Members began to confess: "In fact. . . "
"beep! Beep! Hey! "
On the weekend of 22nd, my wife was making a mask in the house, and she heard the neighbor downstairs shout, "Xiaomei, Xiaomei, you have a guest!" " "
Hearing this, my wife quickly hid in the bedroom and said to her 4-year-old son, "Pepe, go to the living room to help my mother greet the guests." How can you meet people like this? "
The sensible son quickly opened the door and said to the visiting guests, "Mom will be out soon."
"What is your mother doing hiding in the house?" Asked the guest.
Naive Pepe replied very readily: "My mother is doing a shameful thing."
A student took part in an impromptu speech, and the topic was "My sister". And his opening remarks immediately attracted everyone:
My sister's speech is "earth-shattering", she is "overjoyed" when she sees food, "earth-shattering" when she is lovelorn, and "seeking heaven and earth" when she borrows money from me. Now she is finally married, which is really "thank goodness".
The school will hold a parent-teacher conference. Xiaoming failed in the exam for fear that his father would hit him. After thinking hard, he quickly placarded and came to the labor market. The sign reads: "Parents will recruit temporary dad, and the price is negotiable!"
Jack saw a beautiful Persian cat and asked, "Mom, is this cat a husband or a wife?"
Mother hesitated awkwardly. Jack said, "Mom, I know. This cat is the husband. "
"Why?"
"I just gave it a hard twist, but it didn't move. It just lowered its head and said nothing. "
One day, his wife didn't eat at home, and his 7-year-old daughter sat in his wife's position, pretending to be her mother. I couldn't help laughing when I looked at her behavior. My son doesn't believe that she impersonates her mother.
He said rudely, "Do you think you are a mother today? Do you know what 99 times 5 is? "
The daughter took her time and answered without hesitation, "Son, I don't have time. Ask your father. "
Three-year-old Danny accidentally broke the handle on the wardrobe. No matter how her father asked her, she said she didn't do it. His father asked in another way, "Danny, I know you didn't do it, but I want to know how you got it off?"
"I gently twist, it came down. I really didn't do it. "
My five-year-old son is writing something on the table. Mother asked, "Son, what are you doing?"
"I want to write a letter to grandma."
"You haven't learned to write, how can you write?"
"It doesn't matter, grandma can't read anyway."
Yan Hefang Fang is a small partner of the same kindergarten. Yan Yan: "Fangfang, my mother said that I can find a girl I like to marry in the future." I like you very much. Can you marry me? " Fangfang: "I don't think so."
Yan Yan: "Why ~ ~?" We are ~ ~ good. "
Fang: "Because we are not a family, my mother married my father, my grandmother married my grandfather, and your family is also your mother married your father, and your grandmother married your grandfather!" "
Yan Yan: "Oh! ! I see. /I see.
One day, Weiwei and her mother went to buy home appliances. Vivian saw a sign and asked her what it said. Mom said, "This is a national inspection-free product." Vivian wrote it down.
One day, the uncle who audited the accounts came to audit the accounts. Uncle joked to Weiwei, "Do you have an account?" Wei Wei said with a smile: "I am a national inspection-free product." "
3 1 In the Song Dynasty, there was a man named Li who liked to kiss up and wrote a poem specially for his boss. This poem is long and smelly. He pondered the antithesis of the poem, pondered it several times, and felt that his poem had been exhausted before he presented it with trepidation. After reading the poem, the boss said to him with infinite emotion, "Your life experience is really unfortunate and pitiful." The boss asked about his misfortune again and quickly knelt down to make amends and said, "My younger brother died in Jiangnan. I can't write the next sentence. In order to be clean, I had to let my living brother be the scapegoat and let him die temporarily in Saibei. My brother died in Saibei' was invented by me to lie to your master. I hope your master will forgive me for being an official. "
Northerners go to the south, and southerners invite him to eat bamboo shoots. He asked, "What is this?" The southerner replied, "this is a bamboo shoot, and when it grows, it is bamboo." When the man came home, he thought that bamboo mats could be eaten since they were made of bamboo, so he brought the bamboo mats on the bed to cook, but they were not cooked well. He was very angry and said to his wife, "Southerners are really glib and tease others!"
There was a young monk who ran into the yard with a long bamboo pole in the middle of the night, waving and banging at the night sky, making a scene. Finally, the old monk was disturbed. The old monk drank and asked, "What on earth are you doing without sleep in the middle of the night?" Trembling with fear, the young monk summoned up his courage to answer, "Master, I want the stars in the sky, but no matter how I wave them, I can't get them off ..." The old monk suddenly flew into a rage and swore, "You idiot, you don't know such a simple question. Really unforgivable. How can you fight in a place like that ... you won't climb to the roof. "
Chen Nan's trouble is that he has been very clever since he was a child.
One day, someone joked with him and said, "Since your surname is Yu, you must be not smart!" " "
He said, "Sir, you can't even tell' stupid' from' stupid'. How can you say that you are not stupid? "
One day, the wives of the county magistrate, the school governor and the battalion commander chatted. The wife of the county magistrate said, "My master's name is Wen." Mrs. Guan Xue said, "My master's name is Xiuzhilang." The camp officer's wife said, "My master calls him a weasel." When the county magistrate and the second wife of Xuezhifu asked why they were so called, the wife of Yingzhifu smiled proudly and said, "On weekdays, I often come back from private visits to the countryside with a lot of live chickens, and the people call him a weasel."
There is a family whose son is working outside, and there is only one father and daughter at home. One day, my son wrote back a letter, and my daughter-in-law couldn't read after receiving it. She is busy looking for her father-in-law to read the letter. At that time, my father-in-law was taking a bath in the pond, and my daughter-in-law drove him up to read the letter by the pond. The father-in-law had to cover his lower body with his hand, and the daughter-in-law took the letter to read it. She can't read fluently because of nervousness. She saw it, and the daughter-in-law said, "Dad, I'll hold it for you."
When the young man went to the hospital, he saw the female nurse wearing a tight mini skirt, which was very touching. The young man said, if you pull up your skirt, I will give you one hundred dollars. The female nurse pulled up the skirt by an inch and got one hundred dollars. The young man said, if you pull up your skirt again, I'll give you another hundred dollars. Repeat this action three or four times. Finally, the female nurse said with a charming voice, it's too much trouble. I saw a big sign that said "Obstetrics and Gynecology" in three big letters.
Once upon a time, there was a scholar named "Xipo" who often praised Su Shi. During the drought, the satrap set up an incense table to beg for rain and ordered him to write poems to remember this grand occasion. The scholar wrote a poem saying, "The prefect prays for rain, and all the people are grateful for virtue. Last night I pushed the window to see the moon. " The satrap was furious and sent Yunyang. His uncle gave it to him. Farewell, the scholar saw that his uncle was blind, so he presented a poem: "See Yunyang, and see my uncle as if he were my mother." People cry together, three lines. "To match, officials like his poems, referring to his wife as the topic, making him recite poems. The scholar said, "Ring Ding Dong, madam, come out of the back hall. Three-inch golden lotus, horizontal. " The anger of the official made him laugh at himself. The scholar sighed, "The ancients were named Dongpo, but I am now named Xipo. Compared with the two, it is much worse. "
Once upon a time, there was a couple who were usually frugal. One day, her husband accidentally dropped a match while lighting a lamp. Then they immediately used up the box of matches and found the one that fell to the ground. The wife stood up and said to her husband, "husband, if we are so frugal, we will be rich!" "
A businessman and his friend were invited to a professor's house for dinner. During the dinner, a guest asked him if he liked Shakespeare. He replied, "Yes, but I prefer whisky." Everyone was speechless.
On the way home, his friend said, "You are so stupid. Why did you mention whisky? " ? Everyone knows that Shakespeare is not wine. It's a cheese. "
In his later years, Bernhardt was very quiet and lived in a high-rise apartment in Paris, but his admirers kept visiting. One day, an old admirer came to visit Beinhart. He finally climbed the tall building and came to Bainhart's house panting. When he recovered a little, he asked, "Madam, why do you live so high?" "Oh, dear friend," Beinhart told him happily, "it's the only way I can still make a man's heart beat."
Mrs. Green was busy in the shop until midnight. Just as I was about to go to bed, I received a phone call from the police, telling her that the door of the shop was unlocked.
She hurried to the shop and locked the door. When I got home, I thought I could finally have a good sleep this time! Unexpectedly, just after going to bed, the phone rang again. Mrs. Green picked up the phone and heard it. It's the same COP.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Green, but you locked me in the shop." The police said.
Jenny asked her mother about her family background when she came back from school.
Jenny: "Mom, where was I born?"
Mom: "London."
Jenny: "Mom, where were you born?"
Mom: "I was born in Paris, France."
Jenny: "Where's Dad?"
Mom: "Your father was born in Rome."
Jenny: "How strange! We were born in three different places, how did we get together later? "
At the wedding, the priest asked the groom, "Would you like to marry Jenny?" The groom didn't answer. The priest quickly whispered in the groom's ear, "I do." After listening, the groom said, "I would like to."
A woman was pregnant for seven months and gave birth to a son. Her husband is worried that he can't support him. Once, a friend said, "Never mind, my grandfather was born in seven months."
The husband asked, "Did your grandfather raise him?"
Once upon a time, there was a man who was constipated. He didn't know it. Once he went to the toilet to take a shit, but he couldn't pull it out, so he said, "Shit, why is the gravity of the earth so small today?"
After the plane took off, the captain spoke to the crowd, but forgot to turn off the microphone. He said to the driver, "I'm going to take a shit." A flight attendant heard this and tried to run to tell the captain. As a result, she fell to the ground. An old man said, "Don't worry, baby, the captain said he had to go first."
The monkeys in the zoo escaped from prison collectively, and the police dispatched a large number of police officers to search. Before the monkey was caught, a phone rang, and every phone call was basically the same, saying that there were more red lights in the street than before.
A teacher ran a red light and was caught by the police. The teacher said, "I have a class." The traffic police said, "Are you a teacher? Thank god, I've been waiting for 20 years. Go back and write' I won't run a red light again' 100 times!