Every time I see such a message, I always have something unspeakable in my heart-

In order to be a good mother, sometimes we force ourselves.

Some of my parenting articles are shared by my own practice, and of course, what I have shared is the part that I have done well. You know, in my life, there are a lot of chicken feathers everywhere.

There are some things that are just my perception and thinking, such as the articles "How to see children". It is impossible to do it completely, so I can only say that I have been practicing all the way.

if I said that it caused everyone's frustration, it was really not my intention.

So, I will also make some clarification in my reply-"Yes, it's too difficult to do it completely, and I can't do it either. Let's take our time together!"

or: "if you are really tired, don't force yourself, have a good rest!" "

I don't mean to comfort everyone, but I really feel that it is good to be a mother, and it is good to make progress in learning. Positive reflection is beneficial, but don't be "possessed" and pursue perfection too much.

We love children and feel sorry for them; But love yourself more and feel sorry for yourself.

when we know that we need high-quality companionship, but we really don't have enough energy; When we yell at the children, but we are wrapped in great guilt; When our children have problems and we are deeply in self-doubt, I hope that there will be a voice in our hearts-"Dear, you have really done well enough!"

1. "Parenting articles always make me feel bad"

In this era of information, which mother has never doubted herself? This is really a very common phenomenon.

A good friend of mine is very devoted to motherhood.

But she often chats with me and keeps telling me-"I don't think I've done enough", "I'm very anxious" and "I'm afraid I've done something wrong"

A few days ago, she contacted me again and told me that she had closed 9% of the child care service, and I felt that the world was a lot quieter these days.

isn't it? In such an era when traffic is king, the title of sperm absorption often carries a "threatening" constitution. For example,

If I hadn't been studying parenting all day, I would have been neurotic from time to time by these articles and opinions.

My friend is a working mother. She is away from her children most of the day, and she is too busy to study parenting.

I have a sense of debt, and when I see all kinds of parenting information, I feel "a long way to be a mother, and there are traps everywhere".

However, raising a child is not like holding a vase. If you are not careful, it will break, and there is no remedy.

Mothers really don't need to be afraid. People are constantly self-correcting and growing all their lives, aren't they?

my friend also said that I have read too many articles' titles, and I have gradually become desensitized.

But many articles are well written, but after reading them, I always feel that I am poor.

I know. Sometimes, when I read some parenting books, I have the same "self-attack":

Why do other people have so many ways to be mothers, always have patience and handle problems with ease? I can't?

This feeling of "I'm terrible" surrounded me until I found that some people seemed to see me the same way.

I realize that when people look at me from a distance, they usually only see my side.

Even sometimes, she projected her wish to be a "perfect" mother to me, and I only accepted her expectation as a carrier.

From this, we can see that we all long to be perfect when it comes to motherhood. No one is an exception.

In addition to the pressure brought by information overload, the whole society and culture also have too many expectations and requirements for the role of "mother".

Once upon a time, we were just a girl who loved idolize, stayed at home and ate snacks while her husband "waited" on her parents.

But after being pregnant in October, the world naturally reversed!

what's wrong with being a mother? I'm just a "mom", not a "god"!

but after a long time, we seem to be used to it under the immersion of this environment.

when no one "kidnaps" us, we all "kidnaps ourselves"-we feel sorry for our children when we take time to do something for ourselves.

In addition, there is a set of socially recognized standards for whether a mother is good or not:

Living in such a utilitarian aesthetic, when a link is off track, self-doubt comes.

Of course, you might say that this is what the parents of the previous generation were worried about.

then, in our generation, we have to add one point. If the child follows the steps step by step, we will still wonder-will he not live himself?

I'm not a complainer, but these are real resistance to the pressure on my mother.

They always make us feel that we are "not good enough, not enough ..."

Secondly, our parents are an awakening generation.

We are increasingly exploring our hearts, learning about family of origin, learning about education methods, and learning about the influence of growing environment on a person.

We don't want to pass on our injuries and inadequate parenting methods from generation to generation.

We are exposed to too many advanced parenting concepts. For example: listening, affection, unconditional love and so on.

it's good to love children consciously like this.

But we have never been treated like this since childhood, but it is not a pressure for us to hold our children in this way.

in this process, there are bound to be setbacks.

when we were young, we were used to crying, but we were ordered to stop, but we had to catch it firmly when the child cried.

Even when we become mothers, we are just ordinary people. After we can't take it, we will blame ourselves for being "not good enough".

In fact, any parent will bring good and bad influence to children.

no one can never let a child's childhood get a little hurt.

Looking at it from another angle, as the poet Rumi said, "A wound is where the light comes in."

Sometimes, the "shortcomings" created by our imperfections are resources for children's growth-

When we are too tired to play with our children, our children know how to take care of our feelings and needs;

when we couldn't help losing our temper, and then apologized to them and sought understanding, they understood the inevitable conflicts between people and how to reconcile them, and also understood that a good relationship is resilient.

From this perspective, children don't need us to be perfect, but they need a real mother.

after realizing the importance of education, we will also believe excessively that "good parents" have a vital influence on a child.

Before, my signature was: "Good parents first, then good children". Many times, that's true.

But if parents take this sentence as the truth, it is actually problematic.

Because it ignores one thing-a child, as an independent individual, has free will.

Knowing this, it's not hard to understand why some parents are particularly hardworking and conscientious, but their children are cynical.

Some parents have nothing to do all their lives, and their values have problems, but their children are particularly outstanding.

Our kindness can't actually protect our children's life.

Because after all, we are two people, bearing our own life issues.

During the CPRT (Parent-child Relationship Training) course in the United States, a classmate asked the teacher, a junior high school child suddenly said that he would not learn anything, and his parents were very anxious, so they controlled what they should, and talked about it well, but the child just didn't learn and was completely helpless. Is there any other way?

The teacher is an expert in parenting education, and she has not given a way to reverse the overall situation.

It's just that the child has his own will, and we can't force him.

Parents told them some better ways, but if they didn't listen, it meant that they chose a more difficult way to understand these truths.

this is not our failure, but the choice of our children.

I believe this sentence is very healing for most parents who pursue perfection.

knowing that we are not omnipotent can also help us to put down our strict demands on ourselves and get rid of the pressure of being parents.

The above is the pressure of parenthood that I have roughly summarized, and it is also the driving force that leads us to pursue perfection constantly.