It seems that I don’t know how to open the gap with my parents.

I have a lot to say about my parents.

Parents:

Do you know? I haven't been with you since I was born. Just let me be raised by others. Know that I am sensible. Only then did I realize that you are my parents. At that time, I couldn’t mentally admit it. Unable to accept it.

Even being unfamiliar with you and this family has made me lose the happiness of people my age. From that moment on, I knew what fear was and what timidity was.

My life was originally good. Had a great time. Very happy. I am also a lively, cute and cheerful girl. It's because of your appearance. Let it all be gone. It's like I've become a different person.

Do you know! After you take me home. I cried almost every night. Because I want to go back. I don't want to stay here. I cried like this for weeks. I cry just thinking about it. I started to change too. There are fewer smiles.

When I did something wrong and you were so angry, I learned to be brave. I also learned to do things very carefully. I'm afraid of you talking loudly to me. That way, I would feel scared.

It seemed that from that moment on, I didn’t know what home was. For many years, I have been wondering what home is.

Take me back. You think you are treating me very well. But you don't understand me at all. You sometimes quarrel, which makes me even more scared. At first, I cried and yelled. Because of fear. But when you told me about it, I cried, and finally I stopped crying. More calm than anything else. You think I have no "heart" anymore. But psychologically, I am more afraid than anything else.

I have hated you sometimes. Why did you bring me into this world. Although I am not a very poor child. But psychological defects are really difficult to remedy. I don’t even know how to face it.

Children who actually grew up without their parents. Maybe there is something wrong. Because they have lacked love and security since birth. It always feels like a bag being thrown around but without a destination.

In my childhood, I was mostly afraid and timid. Don't know what happiness is.

Even at home, I felt like I was in a stranger's home.

Later I began to accept you.

I also started to communicate with you. But I don't know why. You were always so cold to me back then. I also stopped trying to talk to you.

In my mind I have always wanted to have a family. A true home. Rather than a feeling of fear.

It’s not the fear of doing something wrong. It's not that I'm worried about saying something wrong. It’s not about whether you’re doing the right thing or not.

It’s not that I’m worried, do you really love me or what?

It’s not that I worry a lot~~~~~~

I have grown up. There is a man in my life. He made me feel like "home". Be with him. I'm relaxed. He made me feel safe. He makes me happy.

But later. I am because of you. I learned to let him go. But how do you know? It's like the pain of a knife. I just felt like I had lost my direction.

At that time, you scolded me so fiercely. Maybe it was an angry comment. But it hurts. My family blamed me. I did something bad. I should scold. I'm not qualified to go back either. At that time, I was working alone outside, and your scoldings made me suffer every day. I felt like I didn’t even have the strength to stand.

I really care about him. But I rejected him. I feel stupid. I also kind of don't want him to suffer. But I really want to be with him. I don’t know what makes me so “heartless”. Afraid that he hates me. I'm afraid he won't understand me. I wanted to explain it many times. But I still stopped. Because I don’t want to be like this. Hate it if you hate it!

This time I told myself. I want to live well. No one can arrange for me again. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be like when I was a kid. Everything like that happens.