A city leader held a work plan meeting at the beginning of the year and said, "We must achieve high speed this year. Tell me, how much can you increase? "

The director of a factory said, "We have doubled this year."

The manager of a company said, "We redouble our efforts."

Another factory director said, "We want to quadruple."

Everyone spoke enthusiastically, but only one person was silent.

The mayor was anxious and said to him, "Can you turn it over and give me a happy word?"

The man said helplessly, "I don't think we should turn it over." We are a cremation factory. "

A promising young man

Shareholder Lao Zhao wants to send a gift to his colleague Xiao Zhao. But his wife said, "You are the oldest in the company. Why do you want to curry favor with a young man? "

Lao Zhao shook his head and said, "You can't be so short-sighted. We should consider it in the medium and long term. Dr. Xiao Zhao has a degree and is in the high-tech department. Although he is young, he has made outstanding achievements and is well received by all parties. His hometown is in Shaanxi, and he has some western concepts. At present, I am madly in love with our director's daughter, which has potential reorganization themes; It is said that his father holds a high position in the province, which shows that the controlling shareholder is strong. With so many benefits, Xiao Zhao's career will certainly have a broad space for growth. Giving him a present now is like taking it at a low position. In the future, once he is listed as an official, he will definitely give me dividends or a large proportion of equity. "

A witty excuse

Tim has been married for several years, but he still can't live without other women. However, every time he can find an excuse quickly. One afternoon, he sent the young female secretary home, and stayed around until late at night.

He looked at his watch when he woke up. He was startled: "My God! It's actually three o'clock! " So he immediately called his wife and said, "honey, don't pay those people in a hurry." I just escaped from them. "

Hide and release elm trees

A beggar took a broken basket under the elm tree and picked up a lot of "elm money" (elm pods, shaped like money) and left. After a while, I came to withdraw money again. The person I saw was very strange and followed him secretly. It turned out that he dug a hole in the deep mountain to put money. Then he asked, "What's the use of hiding money?"

The beggar said, "This is money, so it is hidden in a cave."

People suspected that he was crazy, but he smiled: "misers in the world always dig holes to hide useful money, but they are willing to be mean to themselves, but they think they are rich." This is not the same as hiding money. You don't feel strange about the miser, but you laugh at me. Why? "

It doesn't matter whether you eat or not.

Cowboy puppies herd cattle for the rich man every day and do a lot of chores, but they can only eat leftovers left by long-term workers for three meals a day, but the rich man says, "You are young and have a light life." It doesn't matter whether you eat or not. " Panman saw it in his eyes, but he was furious, so he helped the dog with advice.

On this day, the puppy cut some water willows and woven them into cow mouth cages to cover the mouths of all calves. In the evening, the rich man was very angry and asked the dog. The dog said, "The calf can't plow. It doesn't matter whether you eat or not. "

The rich man was afraid that he would kill the whole cow, so he had to eat with the long-term workers.

Who is the dumbest?

A Dai: "A Dai, why should we wait here at 10 for the 1 1 half past one train?"

Dumb: "stupid, so others arrive at five, and we arrive at three thirty."

A Dai: "Yes, let's buy more tickets so that we can arrive earlier."

Dumb: "So I say you are more stupid than me. I thought of it a long time ago. Look, here are ten tickets, five for each of us, so we can arrive at 9: 30. "

Dumb: "Oh, you are so smart."

Not to be missed

A wonderful detective film is being shown on the TV screen. At the most tense moment, Xiao Fang suddenly turned off the TV.

"Hey, why did you turn off the TV?" Brother Xiaoming asked with puzzle.

"I want to go to the bathroom," Xiao Fang replied, "but I don't want to miss any wonderful scenes."

Xiao Li de Jia Xin

Xiaoli often writes home to report her safety. One mid-term exam, she stayed up studying, so she wrote to tell her family, "I have to lose sleep every night." However, when the family received her letter, the whole family was shocked. The original letter said, "Sleep every night."

Wonderful sentence making

In class, the teacher asked everyone to make sentences with "discovery", "invention" and "development".

A classmate stood up and said, "My father found my mother, and my father and mother invented me. I'm growing up.

This road is ten feet high.

The husband was tired of his mother-in-law who stayed at home for a long time, so he made a plan with his wife.

The husband said, "At dinner today, I pretended that your food was not ready, but you insisted that your food was ready. We pretended to argue like this and asked her to arbitrate. If she says you are burning well, I'll kick her out. If she agrees with me, ask her to leave. "

After discussion, it was decided that the couple would follow the plan at night. First, the husband hates the woman, and then the two sides make a scene. Finally, the husband turned to his mother-in-law and said, "What do you think of your daughter's cooking?"

The old lady replied confidently, "I have just arrived, and I still can't taste good or bad." I will eat for a few more months before judging! " "

In the poorest time

A: "When was the poorest time in your life?"

B: "When I was born."

A: "Why?

B: "Naked, nothing."

A: "How do you know?"

B: "My mother nagged me and often said,' I brought you up naked.' "

Mazha and Bazha

Two generations of love came from the countryside to the city. On the way, he met a group of city people. He asked them, "Friends, where are you going?"

"Go to Mazar-e-Mazar and accumulate good deeds! So where are you going? " The city man replied.

"Go to Bazaar and have fun!" Two generations of love replied.

Wolf 125

On this day, the upstart drove his expensive Porsche on the road.

Suddenly! A wolf 125 came up from behind, and the old Aberdeen knight on the motorcycle turned to him and said, "Boy! Have you ever ridden a wolf 125? " Say that finish, I whoosh past.

When the nouveau riche heard this, it was quite angry: "Xiao 1 set the wolf 125 dared to rob my Porsche?" ! "As a result, when I stepped on the gas pedal, my full horsepower surpassed the old man. ...

Unexpectedly, three minutes later, the old uncle caught up again ... "Young man! Have you ever ridden a wolf 125? " Similarly, when I finished, I whizzed past.

"wow! Repeated provocations? ! "The upstart increased the horsepower again and quickly left the old Aber behind.

It didn't take long for the old uncle to catch up again! But this time, just as the old man was about to surpass the upstart, he fell down! Slipped out.

When the nouveau riche saw it, he quickly got off the bus to check the situation of the old man ... I saw the old man sit up slowly and said to the nouveau riche with a bloody helpless expression: "Boy! Have you ever ridden a wolf 125? Can you tell me where the brakes are ... "

raise hell

Little Jenny is two years old. She often encounters unhappy things but can't express them. She will shout loudly.

Mom told her it was not good, and told her to say yes if she had any requirements.

She thought for a moment and replied, "Mom, I want to shout."

Officialdom expert

One day, a monkey juggler accidentally didn't take precautions, and his monkey and dog both escaped.

Once the two wild animals broke free from the rope, their joy could be imagined. As a result, the monkey and the dog became friends in need, exchanged invitations and became brothers. Since then, they have kept close contact.

One day, the monkey crouched under a pepper, and a bright red pepper hung directly above his head.

When the dog saw it, he quickly put the invitation card given by the monkey on his head and kowtowed to the monkey again and again, asking for it constantly. The monkey was surprised and asked why. The dog smiled and said, "Since you have been promoted and put on a red top, your humble post should be submitted as usual." If adults are still willing to associate with Beizhi, Beizhi will send another student post tomorrow. "

Make a wish when you see a shooting star.

Someone shouted in the corridor, "I saw a meteor just now."

After listening, A Qiang immediately stared at the starry sky outside the window, hoping to have a chance to make a wish.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, just as the eyelids were about to fight, suddenly, a light appeared in front of my eyes!

Before the word "meteor" was uttered, A Qiang ate it alive and swallowed it back. It turned out that downstairs shouted, "Who is so wicked upstairs to throw cigarette butts down?"

A considerable opponent

Are you a celibate? Me too.

W: But if I have a considerable opponent, I can abandon the doctrine!

M: Me too. I think you are my opponent!

Woman: I think so, too!

Joke with each other

The TV director and the personnel director met and joked with each other.

Personnel Director: "You go to work and step down after work."

Director of TV station: "You can handle personnel when you go to work, but you can't handle personnel after work."

Lawyers and sperm

A: "What do lawyers and sperm have in common?"

B: "They all have the same chance to be human."

Surgical diseases and medical diseases

Two sick children in the pediatric ward are talking about their hospitalization experience. One of them asked, "Are you a surgical disease or a medical disease?"

"Don't know?"

"I mean, were you uncomfortable before you came, or did they make you uncomfortable after you came?"

Money is marriage.

A young man, with a broken letter from his girlfriend in his hand, asked his girlfriend sadly, "Didn't you say that we hit it off at once, but we were married in our last life?" ? How did you suddenly change your mind? "

The girlfriend said coldly, "Who changed his mind? I have repeatedly said that' money is marriage', but now you have no money to buy this or that. Of course, you will miss it! "

International Children's Day

On June 1 day, someone had breakfast in the class as usual.

After chatting for a few minutes, the math teacher in Grade Three finally stopped and said, "Take breakfast to the classroom, but don't eat it in class. Forget it, today is Children's Day, forgive you! "

Imitation vomiting wine

There is a conceited man in Lu, who respects his elders very much and often imitates their words and deeds. Once, I was glad to see that one of his elders picked up a glass and drank it, and he also drank it. The elder couldn't drink and vomited, and he also vomited.

Oil prices have gone up.

When a woman was cooking at home, a fly flew into the pot. The woman quickly caught the fly, added two bites to it, and then proudly said, "The price of oil has gone up, and not a drop of oil can be wasted!" "

notification

A friend, in a company, is a company that specializes in making home pages for people.

One day, I went to a big company to find business and told my boss the importance of advertising on the information superhighway for an hour. Of course, I didn't forget to praise the Internet severely.

The boss is very interested. When he finally made a decision, he asked, "But did you put our advertisement on the Guangzhou-Shenzhen Expressway or the Guangzhou-Shantou Expressway?"

deficit

I heard that the conditions in Siberia are good. Two Russian workers, Ivan and Bao Si, discussed going there as construction workers. Afraid of being cheated, Ivan left first, and Bao Si waited for his news before making a decision.

Before leaving, they agreed that if the letter was written in blue ink, it would be true; If you use red ink, don't take it for granted.

A month later, Ivan wrote a letter, and Beth was very happy because the letter was written in blue ink.

Dear Bos: The situation here is very good. There is everything in the supermarket, including sausages, pork and other kinds of meat. Every morning, there are fresh bread and milk, and clothes are very cheap, but only one thing is out of stock and red ink can't be bought.

What is the owl saying?

One day, the king took Afandi, who claimed to know bird language, to hunt. On the way, I saw a very poor owl moaning. The king asked Afandi, "Afandi, you claim to know the language of birds. Tell me, what is this owl saying? "

"Your Majesty, said the owl, if the king's oppression continues like this, this city will become my nest in the near future." Two generations of love replied.

Tommy's composition

In the composition class, the teacher asked the pupils to write a composition entitled "My Dog", with no less than 150 words.

Little Tommy thought for a moment and began to write, "I have a dog. I call it Bobby. I like this dog, it is black all over, only the head and neck are white ... "Tommy stopped to count, but the number of words is still far from enough. He scratched his head, thought for a few minutes, and then continued to write, "I take Bobby for a walk in the park every day, so I won't take him out when it rains." He looked at it, but the number of words was still far from enough. He sighed and wrote, "I often give Bobby a bath. It likes to take a bath, and I like to give it a bath. " He stopped to count, but there were still not enough words. He was so anxious that he scratched his scalp, looking at the ceiling and the blackboard for a while. After thinking about it, he continued to write: "Bobby likes candy. I often feed it sugar, but sometimes there is no sugar at home, so I don't give it food ... "Little Tommy racked his brains and couldn't think of anything anymore. He put down his pen, paused for a long time, and an idea suddenly flashed through his mind. So he smiled and wrote quickly: "When I wanted to call Bobby, I shouted,' Bobby!'" "If it doesn't come, I'll call again:' Bobby! Bobby. Bobby! If you don't come, I will shout:' Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby ...' "When I wrote this, little Tommy counted it, as if two words were missing. He did not hesitate to add another word "Bobby" to the signature at the end of the paper, which is exactly 150. Little Tommy was relieved. He handed in his paper and whistled home.

Change your appearance

The wife of two generations is going to a party. She dressed up for a long time and asked Afandi, "Do you think those lecherous people will recognize me if I dress up like this?"

"Of course I can recognize you." Two generations of love theory.

"What shall we do?" The wife asked awkwardly.

"Please wipe off the powder on your face, wipe off the lipstick on your mouth, put on an old dress and change your appearance so that the goat won't recognize you." Two generations of love replied.

Stop dreaming

In ancient times, scholars who did not enter the palace as students were called Tong Sheng. There is a boy who wants to enter the palace. He first asked him if he could go in.

In the dream, God asked him, "Was your grandfather or father an official in Jinshi?"

He replied, "No."

God asked again, "Is your family rich?"

He replied, "No."

God smiled and said, "In that case, why do you dream?"

Real ants

A person has never been on an airplane. When he was sitting in the plane, his face turned pale with fear. Hearing the sound of the engine, he grasped the armrest of the chair tightly and closed his eyes. Five minutes seems like a century. After hearing no sound, he slowly opened his eyes and boldly looked out of the window.

"It's amazing," he said to his neighbor, "flying so high! You see, these people are like ants. "

"I can only tell you," the neighbor said coldly, "these are real ants. The plane has not taken off yet! "

Break a barrel

One afternoon in the street, the mountain official rode back with a bottle in his hand. Seeing Ni Pian running towards him in a hurry, he shook the wine container and sneered, "You can cheat my wine container underground and I will give it to you, otherwise you really have to hold me for a lifetime this time."

"Oh, what are you crazy about!" Ni Qing stood still and said, "I've come to tell you that your house was burned down and your official mother was burned to death! You still ... "

As soon as the mountain official let go, the bottle fell to the ground. After a long time, he asked, "Did you see it with your own eyes?"

Ni Pian asked, "Where is the wine vessel in your hand?"

Shan Guan realized that he had been cheated by Ni Pian again.

No problem.

Zhang San sold his horse to the rich man. After listening to Zhang San's words, the rich man thought it was an excellent horse, so he paid a high price for it.

Two days later, the rich man called Zhang San. "Hey, how do you say this is a good horse? There's nothing wrong with it. This horse's right eye is obviously blind! "

Zhang San replied: "Sir, you can't think this is a problem, it's just misfortune!" " "

Psychiatric circulation

One day, two mental patients rode bicycles for a follow-up visit.

One of them suddenly deflated the bicycle tire before leaving.

"What are you doing?" Asked the other.

"Oh, because I can't step on the pedal, I think I can step on it if I want to let go." He replied.

Then he saw the second psycho jump out of the car, pick up the handlebars and cushions, and switch places.

"What are you doing?" The first psycho asked.

"Hum, if you must do such a stupid thing, then I will turn around and go home!"

Quack accepts plaque

I don't know how many people's lives have been ruined by a quack's low means.

One day, suddenly someone knocked gongs and drums and sent a big plaque. Quack doctors don't know who sent them, thinking that they have never been so respected since they practiced medicine, so they hung them high in the hall. Neighbors are suspicious of each other: how could someone send him such a quack plaque that specializes in treating the dead? On closer inspection, it turned out to be from the coffin shop.

Someone asked, "Is there a doctor who can cure your illness? Why send a plaque? "

The people in the store said, "No, no, the business of the store is very light. Since he was listed as a postdoctoral fellow, our business has suddenly flourished, so I thank you for the plaque! "