After six years of operation, "One Mother" has contacted more than 30,000 lonely mothers and witnessed more than 30,000 kinds of heartbreaks. Finally, it is found that in order to heal these pains, this huge and hidden group needs to be "seen" by society normally.
Text/Song Beibei Editor/Bai Weike
Figures/Except for the cover picture, the rest are provided by the respondents.
"He was invited to participate in Father's Day activities in his last year of kindergarten. He can't let the child be the only child without his father present that day. I don't know if it is necessary for such a father to let his children continue to associate with him. "
"The child's father died of illness six months ago. I didn't tell the child the truth. The child said that he would video chat with his father on Father's Day and miss him. How can I explain it to my child? "
……
Others are on vacation, and we are in Du Jie. The China Family Development Report released by the National Health Planning Commission in 20 14 shows that in 20 14, the number of families supported by single mothers in China exceeded150,000, accounting for 70% of the total number of single-parent families. During the period of 10, the proportion of single-parent families continued to rise, which also means that at least 30 million women and children have experienced or are experiencing helplessness and hesitation in these special festivals.
How can a mother who raises her children alone answer the question "Where's Dad?" when facing the growing children? Sharp edges and corners are rapidly growing in a secret corner, tearing open the warm veil.
The Elephant in the Room
Before becoming a "warm mom", Yang had been using this name for 29 years. Every cell of the social clock is neatly arranged in her life plan, including going to school, working, falling in love, getting married and having children. It was not until she found that the warmth grew into a small embryo in her stomach that she realized that it was a bit messy, and the child actually ran in front of the marriage certificate.
At that time, Yang Zheng started a business with her boyfriend, and both of them were trivial in the early stage. "I will support your mother and daughter even if I sell iron." This promise of the child's father stimulated her hormones during pregnancy like a chemical reaction, which catalyzed her loneliness. She decided to go back to her hometown for labor and get the certificate as soon as possible.
From which moment the situation began to plummet, Yang has never fully thought about it until now. The news of the child's father's bankruptcy came in the last three months of her pregnancy, and then she was detained for economic problems and lost contact for 8 months. After crying several times, Yang has clearly realized what kind of desperate situation he will face.
Before he could catch his breath, Yang regained his courage in those years, took out his energy in studying and taking exams, and picked up his psychology study that had been interrupted for several years. Five months after delivery, she opened a consulting room, and with the support of her parents, she dragged her broken life back to the right track.
When she became a mother for the first time, Yang came up with a super-standard examination question: How can an unmarried woman be a good mother of a girl when she shuttles between various real pressures? In A Mother, many of Yang's questions were answered.
The "One Mother" project was launched on 20 15. At the beginning of its establishment, it mainly provided psychological empowerment and life assistance to widowed mothers in the form of podcasts. After giving birth to her daughter, Yang changed her reading habit to "listening to books" in the Himalayas. The public service podcast "Mother Empowerment Society" of "One Mother" on the platform was pushed to her playlist because it met her preferences and needs. In the following six years, the podcast of Empowered Society was closely related to her life.
In the WeChat community, Yang is used to being called "warm mom". Groups are basically single mothers with babies like her. After the close relationship broke down, many people, like her, came into contact with "a mother" in the world of podcasting, and then found each other in various ways and hugged each other for warmth.
Thousands of miles away, in Jiao Jiao, Yifeng, Jiangxi Province, she stood up from the parcel pile in the town express station and continued to scan more than 1000 express parcels of that day. The Himalayan podcast interface on her mobile phone is still open. She has heard the topic of widowhood pushed by the Mothers Empowerment Association many times last year. In the gentle voice of teacher Li and her teacher, she recovered from her mood swings and regained her strength.
Her husband left her for more than 200 days because of an accident, leaving behind underage children, the oldest being less than 7 years old, and the youngest just turned 1 year old in June this year. Every day is hard. When she can't hold on, she will open a podcast and listen to mothers in an empowered society reading parent-child picture books. Jiao Jiao is also a member of the "One Mother" community. There are some highly educated mothers in the group, and Jiao Jiao sometimes envies them. After in-depth contact, she found that pain is an indiscriminate attack, which is the same for everyone.
Yang found himself not as powerful as he thought. Although she can ignore the gossip behind her back, she will still be stung by her daughter's eyes observing a family of three. When her daughter is sick or injured, she will be very anxious and wonder, if her father is holding her daughter, will it make her feel less uncomfortable?
"Why don't you give up your life? You'd rather be a mandarin duck than a fairy. " Yuanyang is regarded as a symbol of love, because they are both in pairs when they are seen. But few people know that the male will fly away after the breeding season, and the female will bear the responsibility of nesting, hatching and raising children alone.
According to a survey conducted by the China Women's Federation, five out of every six divorced families in China were raised by their mothers. With the increase of divorce data, it is roughly estimated that the number of mothers who take care of themselves alone will increase by about 2.2 million every year. This is a huge group that can't be seen in daily life. The misunderstanding of secular prejudice, due maternal love, and the quagmire of their own, all made the elephant in this room gradually lose its voice.
After six years of operation, "One Mother" has contacted more than 30,000 lonely mothers and witnessed more than 30,000 kinds of heartbreaks. Finally, it is found that in order to cure these pains, we need this group to be "seen" by society normally.
The darkest hour
But Jiao Jiao didn't want to be seen.
After the accident, Jiao Jiao hid in the small rural building built by her husband for more than four months. If her husband hadn't been ill, she would never have left home.
"Life forced me to come out." Jiao Jiao now works in a courier station in the town, taking two days off every month, from 8 am to 5 pm every day. The salary is meager, but it is the most suitable job she can find. My aunt advised her to go to Shanghai to learn how to spend the Lunar New Year, so that she could earn more money. For the sake of underage children, Jiao Jiao decided to "trap" himself here.
In 20 19, the China Marriage and Family Research Association and others published the Survey Report on the Living Conditions and Needs of Single Mothers in Ten Cities, which pointed out that more than 60% of the single mothers interviewed had a monthly income of less than 4,000 yuan, and it was often difficult to take care of their children and work at the same time, which often pushed them into the abyss of poverty.
As an unmarried child, Wen can only be born in a private hospital with several times higher expenses. The father of the child is already heavily in debt and can't expect anything. Yang's savings have already been exhausted in his business, and all he can use is the credit card in his pocket.
When she grows up, I want to tell her that she is a baby drawn by her mother's credit card.
Wennuan was born 35 weeks after her forced abortion. At birth, the newborn's assessment was only 3 points, and the next day he went directly to the neonatal intensive care unit for 8 days. At that time, Yang's eyesight was out of order, and he shed too many tears. Next to other beds in the ward, the newborn cries one after another. Yang's stomach is empty, the crib beside the bed is empty, his wallet is empty, and his heart is empty.
Wei Xueman, the founder of non-profit organization, spent seven years focusing on the research and practice of psychology before launching "A Mother's Psychological Care Plan". In this process, she is often moved by the strength shown by mothers who take care of their children alone. It is also in the interaction with them that she found that taking care of her mother alone, in addition to adapting to the great changes brought about by the change of identity, often needs to cope with the pressure of real life. Sometimes, even the damage caused by the breakdown of intimate relationship is enough to make them difficult to support, and many difficulties are superimposed, and mothers fall into their "dark moments."
"'single parent' seems to emphasize the lost part, but raising alone is only the real situation, and' taking care of mother alone' reflects a sense of strength." Wei Xueman cherishes her perseverance and tenacity in taking care of her mother alone. Considering the importance of mothers having a strong and stable heart, they finally choose to support and help lonely mothers from the perspective of psychological care.
From 2065438 to May 2005, "One Mother" launched a public service podcast "Mothers Empowering Society" in Himalaya, hoping that with the help of the Internet, on the one hand, single mothers can find organizations to seek help, on the other hand, more people can hear the situation and voice of this huge group of single mothers.
After the audio series of "Mother's Lecture" was launched, it has been done for more than 2,200 days, and the podcast has been listened to by 6,543.8+0.2 million people. The sound media attribute of podcast is also the special tenderness given to lonely mothers by A Mother: in the world of sound healing, their looks will not be recognized, and the privacy of lonely mothers can be well protected. In this difficult journey of "the darkest hour", they can gather here to hold a group.
Another "woman"
"To be a proper mother", Wei Xueman quoted the concept mentioned by psychologist Winnicott when appeasing mothers' worries about child-rearing.
When the father can't take care of the children, most people show understanding and sympathy, but when the mother has problems, the social requirements for "mother's presence" are even more stringent. Even if the rationality of some problems has been proved, mothers are more likely to fall into the self-doubt of "I am not a good mother".
"A mother" has been saving lonely mothers from these rigid and deformed cognition in various ways, making them understand that vulnerability is allowed here and they should see the problem.
This year is the first Father's Day when my husband is away. Jiao Jiao listened to the teacher's feedback on the school. The eldest daughter will secretly wipe her tears when she hears about her father at school. Jiao Jiao was sad and guilty.
"I insist on living for them, but seeing those complete families, I really feel inferior and always feel that I am not doing well enough." Jiao Jiao occasionally confides in the mother community, and the mothers in the group can always comfort her in time and tell her that it's not her fault. In the podcast of A Mother, she found voice and comfort again. From this, she learned to talk about picture books, to raise children correctly, and to rebuild her life. There are some professional things that she doesn't understand, but there are always some words that can hit her and cheer her up from her vacant grief.
Jiao Jiao's WeChat avatar is a cartoon illustration of a family of five. After her husband left, she changed her signature to "See the scenery for you all your life". Jiao Jiao knows that she needs to cross a snowstorm, and she also knows that some people who have crossed the snowstorm are coming to her gently to help her find the courage to live again after the 10 100 collapse.
"Every single mother should be supported, and the pain needs to be cured", which was Wei Xueman's vision when he initiated "One Mother". In the sixth year of the project operation, podcasts gradually hatched topics such as parenting, legal aid and financial management from psychological healing. More than 30 communities have been developed according to different functions, with 600 hours of online legal issues and 200 hours of community parenting issues. At present, the "Divorce Psychological Reconstruction Team" and the "Widowed Mother Support Plan" are being promoted, and both of them are striving to achieve two-way travel with their mothers.
For a time, Jiao Jiao learned to bake, and the dough was made into all kinds of attractive foods, which children especially liked. Jiao Jiao feels cured, and sometimes she makes these videos and sends them to the group. Some mothers are depressed, so she comforts them with her own experience and helps them cheer up.
In the platform of A Mom, the most touching thing is the friendship of these women. "A Mother" encountered short-term operational difficulties, and Wei Xueman pulled "sponsorship" everywhere to give public performances to enterprises that provided financial support without expecting returns; Some colleagues take the initiative to get half a salary, and many mothers like Yang stay as volunteers to deal with various affairs patiently. A sick mother fainted in the group, and when she woke up, she reported the incident to the group. The mother in the same city immediately asked her to send the coordinates and rushed over to help her take care of the children. ...
The life background of taking care of mothers alone is women, becoming mothers and raising children alone, which makes them more powerful. Under different backgrounds, mothers can deeply understand each other, appreciate each other, hug each other tightly and hold the "bond between women" tightly, thus promoting a strong "sisterhood".
"Sometimes I think' a mother' can be regarded as another woman sitting quietly behind her mother. She shed tears with them, allowing them to be sad, allowing them to be vulnerable, and allowing their lives to stay here for a while. This "woman" can help them look after her children, help them relax from the curled-up posture, stand up, look out with their eyes, and see the smiling children hugging themselves. " Wei Xueman's voice is very gentle. When she tells these things, she exudes soft power.
Absence and attendance
When Wennuan was five years old, she came back from kindergarten and asked Yang a question. "Why can't Dad have dinner with me?" The alarm clock that Yang knew rang from birth.
In the podcast "Mother Empowered Society", the content "The child asked where his father went" has been listened to 1000 times. Behind the problem of how to guide children to accept their father's absence, there is too much helplessness to take care of their mothers alone.
After listening to many podcasts about this kind of problem in Empowered Society, Yang, like many single mothers, chose to tell her daughter in an equal way, telling her the current real situation and guiding her to accept the diversity of family styles.
"There are various forms of family. My family lives with my mother and grandparents. My father just doesn't live with us, but he loves you. " Although the child's father has never paid a penny for the child's support, Yang has never instilled any negative comments about his father in front of his daughter.
Yang felt that Wennuan should have accepted the separation of her parents, because one day, she suddenly said in a milk voice, "I want to dress my mother in the best wedding dress in the world."
Psychologists gave Du Fu's mother another suggestion on how to deal with her father's absence in the podcast: to re-establish a family and establish a close triangular relationship. At present, Jiao Jiao doesn't want to consider this issue for the time being. For her, it is more important to learn how to take her children out of grief and accept the fact of losing this man. During their treatment, "a mother" was always on the scene.
With the progress of society and the improvement of civilization, people's attitude gradually turned to tolerance, and the eyes projected on mothers changed from sympathy to admiration. "One Mother" and the podcast platform continue to provide support for lonely mothers. I hope that on the platform, mothers who are experiencing or have passed the "darkest moment" can be proud of themselves.
Wei Xueman said earnestly that it is definitely not enough to rely on them to help widowed mothers change the status quo, and there are still many things to be done.
"Even if my father is not present, in the future, we hope that more forces will gather together, homogeneous groups will be present, and social forces will be present."
(Note: Yang Wen is a pseudonym)
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