Self-setting seems to be limiting oneself, but from another perspective, everyone is setting limits. Setting limits is equivalent to establishing a boundary. Within the boundary is the self, and we are also because of this boundary. And knowing who we are, what we can or want to do, and what we can’t or don’t want to do. From a young age, we know to stretch out our feet and explore an edge area to see if we will fall or fall, because we want to explore the boundaries of activity.
Where does this boundary come from? It is formed from our growth experience, interaction with family and environment, and stabilizes after adulthood. Therefore, it is not easy to see major changes in the personality of adults compared to children. In other words, this boundary is stable. You will be afraid of things that exceed the boundary, such as first love, guilt, hurting others, pain, such as being violated. These strong feelings are related to boundaries, and therefore, we form our own personalities.
Everyone’s experience is different, so what is easy for one person to do is very scary or hateful for another person. For example, in open Westerners, it is considered normal. Things that are considered to be hooligans and crimes in conservative areas. A famous movie "Gua Sha", which is common in China, is regarded as abuse in the United States. In these examples, people from different cultures have strong emotions because of this. This is the boundary. It is both a limitation and a protection. It means our background, our roots. When you come to a strange place, or even a distant country, a place with a completely different culture, after the novelty wears off, you will feel lonely and want to find your hometown. Anyone and anything from your hometown is particularly kind, because This is your sense of belonging.
The above are all in a general sense, but sometimes when we grow up, we get some extreme feedback from the environment. This feedback makes us feel dangerous, and we will draw in our boundaries to protect ourselves. For example, if a child who is willing to express himself wants to be recognized but is ignored, the child will feel ashamed and will restrain himself next time. If he is scolded or even beaten, he will shrink back or even stop. Express yourself no more because there is danger. This is an example of boundaries changing in response to feedback from the outside world, manifesting as low self-esteem.
The opposite example is that no matter what a child does, he will receive excessive recognition and affirmation. Because he is divorced from reality, the child thinks that the boundary of his ability is very large. In fact, the real boundary of what he can do is very small. , will be frustrated in life, and then tend to deny their failures and are unwilling to bring the illusory boundary back to the level of reality, which manifests as arrogance.
Sometimes children do make mistakes, and someone needs to tell them what to do and learn the rules of society. If the rules are too strict, what the children learn is not the rules, but that I am not a good person and do not care about the rules. Submissive or rebellious without respecting the rules, which is why the rules established in a bad relationship lack respect. This rule is the boundary, the boundary where we live in the world. When this boundary has the emotion of respect, it is very clear and flexible. With some changes, more choices can be made. The rules that lack respect are rigid. Once violated, they may use overly harsh behavior towards others or themselves. Even if it causes harm, they must put the rules first. A typical example is to send Yang Yongxin to Yang Yongxin if he can't stand his children playing games.
From such a simple description, we can probably feel that when there are some rigid boundaries, it is difficult to learn from the outside world, and we will not expand our boundaries through learning, because this is related to Survival is too scary. For example, when relations between countries are tense, there will be no normal communication and learning. Some people will laugh at how others dare not do this or that, because they do not understand from others' perspective, but only criticize. Because of this criticism, rigid boundaries will be strengthened, because no one wants to be criticized and laughed at.
Breaking is very painful and scary. The more you want to break, the more scared you become, so everyone wants freedom, but everyone is afraid of freedom, just like a balloon is afraid of being punctured.
On the contrary, if you recognize your own boundaries and accept yourself as you are, you may not be in a hurry to break them. Instead, you will feel that the boundaries are becoming more and more flexible and less tense. Even if you take a step, you are not afraid that it will disappear like a balloon because of the breaking of this boundary. Of course, you will not be lost or not recognize yourself.