? I don’t know when, but I especially like to listen to Dick Cowboy’s “How Many Loves Can Come Again”. Every time I listen to this song, I always hear tears streaming down my face, and it’s hard to control myself. Especially when I heard those few sentences:

I often blame myself for not having done it in the first place

I often regretted not keeping you here

These years have been good or bad< /p>

It just seems like one person is missing

? Tears flowed down involuntarily, heartache, insomnia, and the pain was so painful that I couldn't extricate myself. I have lost count of how many nights like this I have had. Maybe days like this will accompany me throughout my life. On a certain day, whenever I think of such a person or hear this song, I will lose control of my emotions. Until now, it is still a knot that cannot be solved.

I can’t say how much I hate that person, but I just can’t get over that hurdle in my heart.

I used to regard him as my best friend. I would confide everything to him, and he would confide everything to me. For a long time, I regarded him as my best friend in my life, imagining that no matter how hard or difficult the rest of my life was, we would protect and help each other and be lifelong confidants.

Maybe I am too naive, I simply thought he thought the same way.

It has been nearly seven years since I last saw you. During these seven years, my life has been neither good nor bad. I still have some good impressions of him in my memory, and I will call him H here. But not everyone is the same as when we first met him. I still want to remember the good things about this person.

? At least he appeared in my life for a while, allowing me to experience the joy of having a close friend.

H and I met in 2011, when I was 20 years old. I was simple-minded at that time. When I first arrived in Zhengzhou, I spent almost all my savings. In order to find a job as soon as possible, I tried hard to find job advertisements on the street. The hard work paid off. I saw a hot pot restaurant recruiting workers, and I was about to apply for the job. When I asked on the phone, the little girl at the door greeted me warmly and asked me if I wanted to find a job. I replied affirmatively, and she took me into the store. The manager came for an interview and I became a member of this store easily.

At that time, I was relatively withdrawn and didn’t like to talk, but I liked the feeling of being cared about. At noon, my colleague took me to the supermarket to buy a bowl. I was confused. I only had a few dollars left. How much would it cost to buy a bowl? I ended up buying 2 small bowls for 5 yuan. And so the work began.

It was winter, and the greeters were all standing outside the door. It was very cold. Fortunately, a colleague was with me at the time. We comforted each other and chatted, and the time passed faster. At that time, H was the manager of the store. He had to take roll call every day, had a straight face every day, and spoke very arrogantly. I really didn't like him at that time. As the saying goes: No fight, no acquaintance. Later, I contradicted him once during a meeting. I don’t remember much about what he said at that time, but I vaguely remember that it was related to him mocking those born in the 1990s. That time I suddenly said, I apologize to everyone. Just go to your job. Later, during lunch, a young man and I sat at the same table and chatted about H. They were from the same place. He told me to stay away from H. He was not a good person and had been blacklisted by the police station. I stupidly asked, "What is a blacklist?" The man told me that he had been in jail. I seem to understand, but not quite.

? Then one day I caught a cold and found a corner to sit down after lunch. Just then H came over and said softly, "I have white and black. Just take one and it will work." I said thank you and told him that I was almost healed. Later, he took the initiative to ask for my QQ account. That time, somehow, I agreed to let him become my QQ friend.

That night, we started chatting. I edited the language repeatedly, wondering how to ask and how to say it so as not to hurt his self-esteem. Caring about someone is really heart-warming sometimes. First, I browsed his personalized signature and his QQ space. I thought that this person must have a good heart. The conversation was mainly about concern, and there was no mention of the matter of going to jail.

After that, the contact came naturally. Sometimes we talk very late.

Sometimes we go out and chat at the dinner table. At that time, H was talking about his girlfriend, and it was hard for me to say more words to him.

Once after get off work, H sent me a message asking for dinner at a certain hot pot restaurant. I thought for a moment and replied OK. My mind at that time was simply too simple, and I simply thought it was a heart-to-heart talk between good friends. Still a surprise. He ordered a beer. After a few pleasantries, we began to talk about what was in our hearts. He said that he had been troubled recently, saying that his girlfriend was always suspicious of him and had to report to her wherever he went. At that time, I didn't know how to answer. After all, it's not good for others to get involved in other people's feelings. I still said: You have to find the reason from yourself. What did you not do well? You must be nicer to her. After all, she chose to be with you. Eat food and drink wine. I even vomited after drinking that time. After vomiting, I returned to the table and continued drinking. At that time, I took this friendship too seriously.

? I was afraid of causing trouble to him when I went back, so I chose to go our separate ways.

? Later he asked me to go out for dinner one more time, and I readily agreed. I didn't know what was going on with him at that time. I foolishly thought that there would be no mention of emotional matters this time. It was also this time that I decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. After drinking until I was sad and in love, I told him about the breakup with a scumbag a few days ago. As we talked, tears came down and my heart ached. He also listened patiently. I don’t remember what I said afterward. After saying that, I felt very happy. At that time, I regarded him as my best friend and trusted him 100%, until one day, I felt a little heartache.

? One day, H took the initiative to send me a message: I am getting married. I said, "Congratulations." After a brief greeting, he sent another message: She is not the person I love most. For a moment, I was at a loss. After a moment of silence, I replied: She is very good, you must be nice to her. Remember to tell me when you get married. He answered yes, he probably drank a lot that day. It's just that I don't know what's going on.

? H’s wedding is coming as scheduled. I asked for leave from the manager in advance to prepare to attend his wedding. On the day of his wedding, I asked him to send me his address. He replied: It's too far and it's inconvenient to take a car, so don't bother. In an instant, I felt mixed emotions. What do you think I am? Still friends? After thinking about it, I came to a conclusion that can comfort me: He is afraid that his wife will be jealous when she sees me. After all, we are all colleagues we know. What happened later was not as simple as I thought. It was also at that time that the friendship between us was completely over.

After a while, I took the initiative to resign and go to another city. A city where you can see the sea - Qingdao. My idea is simple: the sea can make my heart happy, make me forget all the unhappy things, and make me live a happier life.

When I contacted me again, it was H who sent me a message. He said he needed money. At that time, I didn’t know what happened to him, nor did I realize how difficult it was for him. A headache. I had just given several thousand yuan to my family, and my wallet was running low. I can only reply to him: I'm really sorry, I can't help you. In the days that followed, we still contacted occasionally, but the relationship seemed to have faded. I comforted myself, maybe it was because we were far away.

It wasn’t until we met again later that our friendship ended completely.

That time I told him that I was going back to Zhengzhou, and he promised to pick me up and have a good time together. We haven’t seen him for almost two years. I was also very excited and sent him the train time. I thought I would be very happy when I arrived at the station. After all, I was a good friend whom I hadn’t seen for a long time. But I was defeated by reality.

As I approached the station, I started calling H. I called H several times, but no one answered. I felt very lost. I subconsciously called my dad, and he agreed. After getting off the train station, I started looking for my dad and finally found him in the crowd. There are many emotions in my heart: We are still family members. I checked into a hotel that night, had a good sleep, and prepared to go back to my hometown the next day.

I never expected that H would call me the next morning and even apologized, saying that he drank too much that night, so he missed it the next day. We made an appointment for dinner, after all we hadn’t seen each other for several years. I didn't take him seriously this time. I sent him my address, and he rushed over to meet me. I was quite excited at that time, and I was also stupidly excited when I thought about it later.

He took the initiative to give me a hug and said: Long time no see. We took the bus back to the pedestrian street business district where we used to work. It’s still the same as before, eating hot pot and drinking beer.

At first I said I wouldn’t drink anymore, but he wasn’t happy and wouldn’t leave after saying he wouldn’t drink. I took the initiative to pay the bill, and he ordered another drink, as if in conflict with me, and ended up drinking one glass at a time. He talked about his marriage, his children. Talking about the work he has done recently and what kind of leader he has been. The words are full of pride. I don't know how much I drank, but I felt dizzy. It was already dark when I walked out the door, and then I went to a KTV on the other side of the overpass. When I got there, I was already dizzy. When he went out, he quietly brought some wine in. Entered the box and started singing. Little did I know at that time that the drunkard's intention was not to drink. He gave me a bottle of mixed wine, kept it for himself, and drank. I sang a song. He started to sing, and I remember singing a song called "Do You Know I'm Waiting for You", and I was very confused at that time. How could he sing this song? He has a family, right? At that time, my consciousness was not very clear, but I tried to wake myself up. It was late at night after drinking. I said find a place to live.

He helped me find a place to live. After booking a room, I took the room card and went to find a room. At that time, I already felt very uncomfortable in my stomach. When I found the room, I immediately found a trash can and vomited. Dimly, I felt someone coming in. H came in and I asked him why you came in. He told me that he had no ID, so he had to live here. I instantly became angry and drunk. I tried my best to stay awake. He came over and was about to hug me, but subconsciously I bit his wrist. He also yelled at the bastard. In the middle of the night I picked up my bag and walked out. The man fell asleep. When I left the hotel, I felt so desperate. Don't ever associate with such friends again.

Looking at the clock in the square, I tried to wake myself up, and finally waited until a fast food restaurant opened. I bought two bottles of water and drank them. Unexpectedly, I started vomiting as soon as I left the house. This time I vomited bitter water. While vomiting, I was thinking about finding a place to stay, so I found a cheap hotel to stay. I asked my aunt for boiled water. I felt exhausted, so I drank water in a daze, vomited after drinking, and finally vomited. Vomit bitter gall water. I didn't sleep much all night. At dawn, I packed up my things and went to the bus station to buy a car back to my hometown.

From then on, I made a vow in my heart: I will never drink beer again.

After many years, that kind of pain has been hidden in my heart and rarely mentioned to others.

In the following years, he contacted me again and apologized to me constantly, but he couldn't lie to himself and still couldn't forgive me. Because, he deeply broke my heart, this friendship that I thought was very pure. He was no longer a good friend. I kept in contact intermittently, and every chat was painless, as if this person was no longer necessary in my life. Finally, in a voice chat, I vented my hatred for these years without mercy, and then decided to delete WeChat. Since then, this person has never appeared again. Although a gay friend told me a little bit about his situation, he chose not to contact me anymore.

? I think the most thorough thing to say was that time later, I told him: We agreed that we would never have contact with each other until we die.

? How much love can come back

? How many people are worth waiting for

? When love has changed

Is there still one? Courage to love

The past is past, and it is meaningless to forgive or not. Time may dilute everything...