Excerpts from humorous jokes that are good to hear every day.
1. A female spy was caught by the enemy and said that if you don't tell me your mission, you will be raped. The female spy said: even if it is gang rape, I will not say it. Enemy: Yes, yes, yes, look at your beauty.
A good friend is like underwear, even if you have ups and downs, it contains you. A better friend is like a condom, always thinking about your safety. A good friend like Viagra always gives you support.
3. A lover is a watch, the more beautiful the better; Xiaomi is a pocket watch, the more secret the better; Miss is an electronic watch, the fresher the better; My wife is an automatic watch, so it doesn't wind up when running. Take all kinds of watches, control the time, and don't let them make noise!
4. The child asked: Mom, do the heart and liver have legs? Silly boy, how can a heart have legs? The child said doubtfully. Then last night, why did dad whisper, sweetheart! Spread your legs?
On the night of engagement, my wife was taking off her makeup, and I hugged her from behind stupidly. Dear, this time, uncle can be redeemed for you, and you can really be uncle's person in the future! ? The wife asked:? What do you mean? I explained that my parents-in-law used to be your guardians, but now they have changed hands to me. This change of hands does not mean that I have the right to redeem your body. My wife turned around. Shit! You told me that you should be nice to me in the future, or I'll go back to my old job! ? Good boy ~ ~ ~ She can say that!
6. The husband is reading in bed, putting his hand between his wife's legs from time to time, and her wife undresses and shows off her amorous feelings. Why does the husband ask? The wife asked, What are your hands doing? The husband solemnly said: wet hands are good for turning pages!
7. My wife and I both have the habit of sleeping late on weekends. Once we stayed up for half a night the night before. As soon as I opened my eyes, I felt asleep for several days. I woke up my wife wrapped in me and slept like a dead pig. Look at the watch What time is it now? My wife absently took out her watch from under the pillow and looked at it. Are you kidding? It's only seven o'clock. Go to sleep! ? I touched my stomach: Why do I feel so hungry? I want to eat something. ? Hearing this, my wife was excited:? Why don't we go on (having sex)! Didn't you read the news that this kind of thing can be eaten as food and drunk as wine? Let's have a try. Don't you dare, I won't accept this kind of provocation, so I got on the horse with a knife and fought again. Just after the incident, my mother called and chatted with my family, asking if I had eaten after one o'clock at noon. Only then did I know that my wife, a pig, turned her watch upside down, 12: 30 7: 00. I hung up and was about to settle accounts with my wife. My wife made an adoring expression. Honey, you are so brave. This time we actually worked for more than six hours! ? Hematemesis ~ If so, I'll have to die!
8. The wife is a TV and the lover is a mobile phone. Watch TV at home, go out with your mobile phone and go bankrupt to sell TV. If you have money, you can change your mobile phone to watch TV occasionally. You can play with your mobile phone for life without charge, and you will stop if your mobile phone is in arrears.
9. The township head made a report in shorts. Speaking of excitement, he put one foot on the chair and his little brother was exposed. The meeting was in an uproar. He thought everyone was impatient and said loudly, this is just the beginning, and the road is still long!
10. One night, the Public Security Bureau had an emergency meeting on a case. A policewoman is dog trainer. In her hurry, she forgot to wear underwear. In desperation, she lifted her skirt, let her trained dog smell it and ordered the dog to take her underwear back. After a while, a male policeman rushed over and said to the policewoman. No, no, your dog bit off the director's balls! ?
1 1. Nowadays, girls have a circle of friends with a little scratch on their hands, feet and legs, which has caused a lot of comfort and distress! You said I had so much bleeding during my period, why didn't you take a wound and send it to a circle of friends?
12. A nun and a monk live next door. Unable to bear loneliness, they cut a hole in the wall. Every night, the old monk put JJ in the hole and said, "Sunrise East", "Sunrise East"! The nun took off her pants and went to JJ for a while. Over time, the old monk's behavior was seen by the young monk, who also wanted to see what was inside. It happened that one day the old monk wanted to go down the mountain, stay outside for one night, and let the young monk watch the door at home. At night, the young monk, like Master, shouted "Sunrise in the East" at the mouth of the cave, thinking: There is still light, how can it turn black? He picked up the candlestick, pulled out the candle, inserted it into the hole, and only listened to it "huh? The next day, the old monk came back, lonely and shouting at the hole. Sunrise East? No response? Sunrise East? Haven't react, let out a cry again? Sunrise East? Only one nun said? Always hurt? ,? Always hurt? !
13. In the evening, my wife was sitting on the bed, her hands and feet were moving, and she suddenly grabbed her husband's little penis and tried to take off her clothes. The wife asked: Why? Dave asked, what are you doing? Wife: I will take my driver's license test tomorrow and practice shifting gears.
14. Once upon a time, there was a monk who thought about Shakespeare all the time when he died. There was no such person at that time. Later, a scholar has been studying and finally knows that the monk has never touched a woman, but he is thinking: What is B?
15. Liu Bei and Zhang Guan are trapped on a desert island. A few days later, Zhang Fei wanted to chop down his brother to satisfy his hunger. Guan Yu said: SB, knead and cut, there is more meat! At this time, Guan Yu saw Liu Bei in SY and asked, Brother, what are you doing? Liu Bei: Order the whole sauce!
16. Chinese class, the female teacher asked; How to pronounce "soft" pinyin? The boys shouted, "I am a soft egg in the end." Teacher: "Your boys' pronunciation is not standard. Please ask the female students to supplement their answers. "Female students should be soft after all."
17. One day, Mosquito and Mantis saw a beautiful woman taking a bath. Mosquito said, hey, I bit two swollen places on her chest two days ago. Mantis said, what's the point of losing it? Look at the scar on her thigh. I cut her a few months ago, and I haven't recovered yet. And still keep drawing blood once a month.
18. On the bus that day, a beautiful girl suddenly shouted at a gentle white guy: "Rogue!" Maybe this young man is dishonest. The young man looked very wronged and immediately retorted. The two sides began to quarrel. Later, I heard the girl scold: "You are a big rascal. You've been a gangster since you were a child. Don't forget to look back when your mother gives birth to you. " After listening to it, the passengers were silent for a while, and then burst into laughter. Colleagues shook their heads and said that swearing can be so ugly for the first time. This is really a curse, and no one can beat him. After being scolded, the young man could not say a word with his mouth open. It's really amazing. This curse is really an eternal curse. Probably unprecedented, it is said that there is really no more vicious and lethal swearing than this. I think that young man should shut up. At this moment, I suddenly heard the young man say loudly, "You are the big rascal! See your father three times a day while you are still in your mother's belly! " After hearing this, everyone laughed like a mountain, and the conductor couldn't hold back. The driver took a break before starting.
19. My sister and brother went to school. When they were in the car, they saw two dogs mating. The younger brother asked his sister what it was doing. ? Fight? Sister hurriedly perfunctory him. At this time, my sister found that two hooligans had been watching her, and their eyes were still on her. ? what are you reading? You want to fight, my sister said loudly.
20. One morning, firecrackers sounded, and I don't know who opened a small cinema. On the first day, a movie was shown. The advertisement read "The Story of Seven Men and One Woman" with a caption: A beautiful woman fainted for no reason, and seven men were forcibly dragged into the forest; Everyone who waited for the beautiful woman felt very attractive and bought tickets one by one. When the movie was shown, Snow White appeared on the big screen, and everyone left in a rage. The next day, everyone passed by the small cinema again and saw that the advertisement had changed. The advertisement tells the story of seven men and one woman, which shows that seven men are definitely not Snow White. This time people found it more attractive than last time, and the display was not Snow White, so they bought tickets and the big screen appeared? Eight immortals crossing the sea? Words!
Enjoy humorous jokes every day.
1. A man went to see a psychiatrist: I really can't stand it! My wife cheated on me! ? Psychologist:? Relax, how can I lie to you? M: She goes to the bar every night and is interested in almost all men. I'm going crazy! ? Psychologist:? Don't get too excited! Tell me, where is this bar?
2. I was still in bed this morning, and a buddy in the dormitory was discharging water in the bathroom. It was eloquent: I got up early in the morning to wash my pants, and countless children followed me into the water. It was not that my father didn't want you, but that my mother didn't take you in. ?
3. At the end of the Eastern Han Dynasty, Dong Zhuo gave up Xian Di and made Luoyang his capital. He was not only ambitious, but also fascinated by his beauty and took the story of diusim as his concubine. Gradually, he found that the courtiers around him were drooling over the story of diusim, so he carefully arranged a banquet for one night, and all the courtiers attended. The story of diusim danced at the banquet. Dong Zhuo had already painted ink on the story on Diesim's chest in advance. Suddenly, the lights went out and the ground floor was in chaos. For a long time, the light came on again, and the courtiers' hands were black. Only Lu Bu is clean. Dong Zhuo was very happy: Lu Bu. Say and lyu3 bu4 smiled, revealing black teeth.
Although my wife was born prematurely, she gave birth to a chubby boy for nothing. All her colleagues came to congratulate her, and even Director Wang came in person and praised her son. After everyone dispersed, my wife mysteriously said to me: Once, a master helped her calculate her life. If the first child is Wang Xing's old godfather, the whole family will be rich and expensive. ? I said:? Then the man chose his wife to poke me in the head: you are stupid. You see how much our bureau likes our son today. Besides, I think the position of our office director is vacant now, right? I think my wife is very thoughtful. I want to know my wife, which was introduced by Wang Bureau six months ago. This is all fate. I think I have identified this relative!
One day, a hotel held a family activity for the police and the people, and the police ate for free. A policewoman went straight to the door after dinner, and the hotel waiter hurried forward to stop her. Attendant: The police are free. At first glance, you are not a policeman. You have to pay! Policewoman: I'm a secret policeman with a beard below!
6. The man said to his girlfriend:? Dear, I dreamed of you yesterday, and woke up in the morning with wet pants. ? His girlfriend shyly asked:? Honey, what did you dream about me yesterday? I dreamed that you took off your makeup yesterday, which scared me to pee. ? A slap in the face, my girlfriend turned and left.
7. The sky is blue and the sea is deep, and nothing a person says is true; Love is eternal, blood is bright red, and it is impossible for a man not to fight; When a man has money, he is destined for everyone. If a person can rely on it, pigs can climb trees.
8. A beautiful woman found lipstick too heavy, wiped it with a wet tissue and threw it on the road. An old man picked it up, looked at it for a long time and suddenly woke up. He caught up and said, girl, this ultra-thin one is easy to fall off!
One night, I played a race with my boyfriend, and soon I was left behind, so I shouted to him: robbery, robbery! ? Passers-by looked at us in succession, so my boyfriend had to slow down. I overtook him at once, so he had to run with me. I couldn't shake him off at first sight and began to shout: indecent assault! He fell to the ground in fear! ?
10. Two old couples had a whim when they were eating one day: naked rice! Get back to your old feelings! After undressing, the old woman said, I still have a reaction! Breasts are still as hot as when they were young! The old man squinted and said, it's drooping in the soup!
1 1. Men are always laughing and their eyes are discharging. They are either sick or cheating! A woman with breast enhancement and thin waist is dissolute and coquettish, either taking out her pocket or letting you have a black knife! These days, freaks and banshees, look out!
12. One day, on a crowded bus, a conversation went like this: a standing pregnant woman said to a man sitting next to him, didn't you know I was pregnant? I want him to give up his seat. I saw the man very nervous and said, the child is not mine!
13. M: My parents gave me a gun and always hit it in the old place. Now the reform and opening up, but unfortunately all the bullets have been used up. Woman: My parents gave birth to a hilly land, which was abandoned for 20 years. Now the contract responsibility system is implemented, and whoever plants it will pay for it.
14. One winter was very cold. One weekend, my wife and I went to the park to play. Seeing many people skating on the ice on the lake, I invited my wife to skate with me, but she didn't dare. In order to prove the firmness of the ice, I set an example and ran to the ice for a while, which made my wife itch. Finally, I had the idea of trying. I carried her from the center of the lake to the shore. When there was still about one meter offshore, I jumped up to prove that there was no danger. I only listened? Hey? I fell into the ice hole with a bang. Fortunately, the water on the shore is shallow, and it only reaches my waist. My wife screamed with fear and almost cried. I struggled to climb out of the mire and made sure that I was all right. My wife asked me seriously: Is my little brother not frozen? I held back the cold and nodded hard. Not bad, the little thing belongs to the polar bear! ? Psst ~ I feel cold when I think about it now!
15. My wife asked me: What do you men always say about women, man show, man show? Male show is dignified appearance and fiery heart! ? The wife asked again:? Do you think I count? I pretended to look at her seriously and then shook my head. You don't count! ? The wife nodded:? I think so, too. I belong to Ming Sao. ? I snickered to myself: accurate but not comprehensive! ? The wife wondered:? What is that? I proudly replied: You belong to Quan Sao! ? Sweat ~ this fight is inevitable!
16. Lai Changxing and Yang Yuying are walking by the sea. Lai pointed to the distant warship and said, I have spent enough money on you in recent years to buy this warship. Yang Yuying said: "You can also sink this warship with the cannon you fired at me in recent years!" !
17. I took the subway early in the morning and sat next to a beautiful young mother holding shota, thirteen or fourteen years old. After a while, I may be hungry and have been pestering for milk. Mom said: are you still breastfeeding at this age? The child shouted and picked up his mother's neckline, and her mother was good at blocking her chest. Shota struggled for a long time, and there was nothing he could do. Suddenly shouted at me: uncle, help me take it off, each of us.
18. I went to KTV with my clients one night and came home very late. When I first got home, I thought my wife was asleep, so I crept to the bathroom to take a bath. Just after undressing, my wife suddenly appeared and snapped: Do you want to destroy the evidence? I was shocked and quickly said, no, no, I left my sword in the warehouse before I went out! ? My wife smiled twice and reached out and touched my jj:? Well, I haven't lost my gun yet, but I want to check for bullets! ? Dear ~ Is there any way to check this? Is that why she stayed up all night?
19.？ In what way did you correct the problem that your husband didn't come home at night? One day, he came back very late. I shouted, is it Xiao Zhang, whose surname is Wang?
20. When Lao Zhang was traveling in Yunnan, he met two fashionable ladies in the street and stopped him. Ladies ask: Sir, do you watch folk dances? What dance? Lao Zhang asked curiously. ? Folk dance! ? Mysterious answers from ladies. ? Don't look, don't look, there is no national dance in Beijing National Park! ? Lao Zhang waved impatiently. One of the ladies grabbed Lao Zhang and whispered, Have you ever seen anyone naked? Lao Zhang pointed angrily at the young lady and said, No clothes? Without it, how do I know which nationality you are from?
A collection of good humorous jokes every day.
1. Mr. Lin is a famous man and he spends a lot of money. One day, on his wife's birthday, he asked Lin Sheng to take her to a strip club to broaden her horizons. Lin Sheng was so entangled that he had to do it. When they arrived at the gate of the strip club, the waiter in uniform immediately stepped forward and said politely, Mr. Lin, welcome! Mr. Lin stood nervously, but Mrs. Lin stared. Entering the strip club, the foreman came up and asked, Welcome, Mr. Lin. Are you still sitting in your old seat? Mrs Lin's angry face began to turn blue. At the beginning of the performance, the stripper twisted her waist and took off her clothes one by one with the rhythm of the music. Jiaosheng shouted: Whose is this? Mr. Lin, of course! All the guests said in unison. By this time, Mrs. Lin had fainted. Mr. Lin quickly picked her up and got on the bus. Mrs. Lin suddenly woke up and shouted angrily, you liar bastard, XX! Hearing this, the taxi driver turned and said, Mr. Lin, this girl you are looking for tonight is very provocative!
2. Female: Brother, you are much better than Dad! M: That's what mom said. Alas, even Japanese jokes are such animals.
Today, a group of male colleagues told dirty jokes in the office. I am wearing headphones. They may think I can't hear them. I don't know how to suddenly talk about the requirements that a man must have. Some say, money, power, domineering, gentleness and masculinity. Suddenly a colleague came over and said that the most important requirements for men are three, fast, accurate and ruthless. Just then, a group of sister papers came in. A group of men laugh and don't talk. This is not gc. Gc is why one of my sisters even said good moral integrity when she understood it in seconds.
The hotel has a cashier, and the guest just ordered wine. Everyone knows that snowflakes are dry, the spleen is green and the horizon is yellow. Solid color is darker than the end of the world. A big brother asked how much the beer was, and the sister paper in the shop said, five dollars for the green one? Big brother said:? Huang's rich sister paper reply:? Yellow six, yellow eight. ? Big brother said loudly: Give me the yellowest one.
Beautiful female doctors are very popular with male patients in hospitals. There are many romantic and rich pursuers, and of course they also encounter many sexual harassment. One day, after Mr. Chen finished the infertility examination in the hospital, the beautiful female doctor wanted to check whether the number of sperm in Mr. Chen's body had decreased. She gave him a small sealed glass jar and told him to take some samples home. The next day, when Mr. Chen came back, the female doctor found that the glass jar was still empty. Mr. Chen explained: I tried with my right hand for a long time yesterday and there was no response. I tried with my left hand, but it still didn't work. I asked my wife for help, and she tried it with both hands, but it didn't work. I told her to do it with her mouth, but there was nothing I could do. The female doctor blushed at this. Mr. Chen has always said: It happened that my cousin came to my house to give gifts. She is young and strong, so I asked her for help. She also used her hands first, then her mouth, and worked very hard. Stop. Stop. The female doctor couldn't help it any longer: You asked your cousin for help? Mr. Chen said that she would be happy to! But I still can't! I came to see you to see if you could. As soon as the female doctor heard the anger, she asked, can you do something? Mr. Chen replied, can you open the lid of this glass jar?
6. The swimming coach has a straightforward personality and a loud voice. One day, he saw a female student in the shopping mall, so he said loudly: You really didn't recognize it after you put on your clothes!
7. In a small mountain village, there was a couple. Women are beautiful, men are ugly, and women are coquettish. She hooked up with a young man in the village. Her husband noticed it slowly, but couldn't find any evidence. One day, he finally figured out a way, pretending to go out to visit relatives and saying that he would not go home at night. His wife saw him and made an appointment to go to his house to blow the lights at night. I only heard two people kicking and booing in the room. The woman did so well that she screamed again and again: Ah. . . . oh . Ah. . . . oh . . Please, please, you make me happy. Can I give you a pair of cloth shoes? Her husband heard it outside and flew into a rage! Stand up and shout at the room. Do it! Fuck her! Fuck her! I will buy you a pair of leather shoes!
8. Did the girl accidentally touch the boy? That? So I'm embarrassed to ask: What is this? The man replied: capital! ? So they continued to keep warm. A man accidentally touched a woman? That? So I'm embarrassed to ask: What is this? The woman replied:? Shops! ? The man said happily: Great! You have a store and I have capital. Let's do business together! ! ? So they go out early and come back late, with three meals a day, plus midnight snack and snacks. Finally, the man finally couldn't stand it and protested: This is so unfair! My capital is getting smaller and smaller, but your shop is getting bigger and bigger! ?
Lao Wang is the funniest person in the office. He often tells dirty jokes to amuse his female colleagues. One day, a female colleague asked Lao Wang to tell jokes. Lao Wang: No! It's too thick. It's not funny without some yellow. Female colleague: It doesn't matter if you're not afraid of rudeness, just don't be too long.
10. On the wedding night, the groom's shoes won't come off. Bride: Just cut it with a knife! My mother-in-law heard it outside and shouted, no, no knife. Just a little saliva!