Later, it gradually expanded to the workplace. But you know, in the family, there will be an invisible PUA.
The so-called PUA-style parents, in the name of love, are constantly mocking, suppressing and denying you under the slogan of being good for you, thus controlling you.
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Are you a parent of PUA?
PUA's logic is: you are not good enough, you are not worthy of love. You have to be better to be worthy of love.
China's parents have a similar education called "watching other people's children".
"Watch", like a spell, is always with their lives.
Parents' accusations and comparisons will make children fall into an unconfident situation.
There is nothing wrong with mothers trying to help their children become excellent. But blindly telling children to work hard in this way, children may only feel pressure.
A child once gave an example to explain why his mother always "hit her heart like a bullet":
He said that before eating, his mother often said something like "your Zhang Bo's children have been admitted to the key high school in our community" intentionally or unintentionally.
Parents must know that this mother wants to encourage her children to study hard through these cases.
But the child said that once he heard such words, he couldn't eat any more, because all these words only mean one thing, that is, "I am the only idiot in the whole community!" " "
Parents should help their children become better, not put forward higher requirements for their children, but help them improve their abilities and achieve Excellence.
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I did it for your own good.
There is an emotional kidnapping called "I am doing it for your own good!" "
I think many parents have said this to their children.
"For your own good" is full of bondage and pressure.
We never deny that a mother loves her children, but whether a mother loves her children or not and whether she can make her children feel love are two different things.
Whether this kind of love will bring confidence or pressure to children does not depend on parents' motives, but on whether children get support or oppression from this so-called "love".
When children have tried their best and it is hard to get better, so-called love may bring pressure to children.
I saw such a story in Weibo some time ago.
A 9-year-old child built a magnificent castle in the game My World.
He showed it to his father with great pride.
Because of the epidemic, schools are closed, and children always stay in bed in the morning. They used to get up at 7 o'clock in school, but now they usually sleep until 9 o'clock.
After several warnings didn't work, my father deleted his favorite "My World" from the computer for one year.
After learning the news, the child cried and cried, very sad.
I believe that the father's original intention is also to correct his habits and for the good of his children.
But such behavior has caused great harm to children.
Although it is only a game, it is also the result of a whole year's efforts.
Imagine what it's like to have a project that you've been working on for a year emptied.
Equal thinking tells us that love is not the catharsis of one person's accumulated feelings, nor is it that one person devotes all his love to another regardless of life and death.
Love is a kind of ability, a kind of ability to make the loved one feel love.
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Sacrifice everything for children
It is the most terrible gift for children.
The famous educator makarenko once said:
"Everything is for children, everything is sacrificed for him, even his own happiness. This is the most terrible gift parents give their children. "
The most terrible thing is that parents often threaten their children with this gift:
I sacrificed so much, why can't you repay me?
This kind of parents is actually control, in order to make children obedient and obedient.
In the variety "Strange Tales from a Lonely Studio", Huang Zhizhong told a story of "Mother Fish Head":
There is a mother who always leaves the fish belly for her children to eat and eats the fish head herself.
Before she died, she told her son, "Actually, I don't like fish heads at all."
Huang Zhizhong said that when I was young, I thought maternal love was great, but when I grew up, I thought this son was too difficult.
The mother sacrificed herself to kidnap the child with this "greatness" and let the child live in guilt all his life.
"After all we have done for you, you will have no conscience if you don't obey!"
This kind of emotional kidnapping is more difficult to break free than "for your own good", which makes many people still feel guilty for many years.
Therefore, the purpose of educating children is not to let others see how well we have done, and how obedient and obedient children are.
The purpose of cultivating a child is to enable him to know himself and others, and to handle all kinds of people and things in life independently.
Parents should learn to look at their own world from their children's point of view and understand their children's thoughts and motives from behind their behaviors.
Only in this way can we walk into their hearts, establish a truly communicative relationship, and truly guide and help him.
Giving children so-called good things blindly is actually a kind of self-satisfaction of parents, but they are unwilling to listen to their own hearts.
What do you think of the PUA family?