Every time I hear this, my friends have an unspeakable entanglement in their hearts: probably only my mother in the world will nag herself like this, and nagging is love. But on second thought, I finally feel at home. Can't I live happily and comfortably for a few days?
I think a little "complaint" from friends should be the "complaint" of most people: there is a person who loves me standing in front of me, but I can't feel his love. Yes, why do words from our mouths make people feel unloved? To tell the truth, this question bothered me for a long time, until I met Dr. Marshall Luxembourg's Nonviolent Communication, a book aimed at "integrating love into life".
The word "nonviolence" is very powerful, because the antonym of nonviolence is violence.
When I first heard this book, I thought: I just said to you loudly, "Why are you throwing smelly socks everywhere again?" Is it violence? I didn't fight or swear. Besides, my starting point is good. So what's violent about this sentence?
But the truth is often "bloody". Maybe we don't think our way of speaking is violent, but our language does often bring pain to others. Of course, this kind of violence is more subtle. In other words, if others feel pain because of what you said, this kind of communication is violent, which Dr. Marshall Luxembourg named "alienated communication".
One of the ways of alienation communication: moral judgment, such as "you are so lazy". When I think of the recently hit anti-corruption drama's in the name of people, people who eat melons always label someone as a "good guy" and someone as a "bad guy". Can a person be judged simply by quality? Not to mention that everyone's personality and growth experience are different, and the situation and circumstances they face are even different, but we always judge a person habitually and preconceived; The rules of judgment are simple. What is the same with oneself or mainstream values is good, and what is different from oneself or mainstream values is bad.
The second communication mode of alienation: comparison. For example, "You can't compare with so-and-so". During this period, I finished my master's degree thesis with the theme of "teacher misconduct". After investigation, there is a kind of misconduct that students "hate", that is, comparing teachers and students. Some teachers even openly set a student in the class as an example for other students. Isn't this subtext "You are not as good as so-and-so"? The ancestors were particular about word-making, and the word "Bi" was composed of two daggers, that is to say, "Bi" was to insert two daggers into people's hearts. It is conceivable that the person being compared does not feel pain.
The third alienated way of communication: avoiding responsibility, such as "the leader told me to do this." If you ask a student, "Why do you study?" It is likely that he will tell you "I must study". If you ask an office worker "why do you want to work overtime", he will probably tell you "I want to work overtime". People who attribute everything to involuntary feelings are generally irresponsible people. What is even more frightening is that this kind of "involuntary" negative emotions and behaviors will unconsciously bring trouble and even pain to themselves and others.
The fourth communication mode of alienation: it is beyond others' power, such as "what should you do?" Do as you would be done by. Of course, the public can understand this truth, but it is a bit difficult to do it, especially those who are in high positions, powerful and authoritative (parents, teachers, etc. The subtext behind their casual words is often: if you don't do what I say, you will be punished. Do you think this kind of communication can be relaxed and happy?
In daily life, those acts of judging, comparing, shirking responsibility and forcing others to do things will bring pain and trouble to others, which is also the root of "what we say in our mouths makes people feel unloved".
The truth is always easy to understand, but the reality is always "easier said than done". Just like the mother of a friend mentioned above, can you turn a blind eye when your son throws smelly socks and eats junk food? Absolutely not! No mother can do it. The key is how to say and do. Dr Marshall Luxembourg put forward four elements of "non-violent communication (NVC)". Take the previous example to analyze:
Seeing her son throwing smelly socks around is the first step for her mother to "observe". At this time, what she wants to talk about is the observed results, which are objective and true facts, not her own thoughts, opinions and comments. For example, I saw you throw three dirty socks on the sofa.
In the second step, the mother should express her feelings after observation, not her own thoughts and comments. Like "I'm angry".
The third step is to explain to my son, "Why am I unhappy?" . For example, "You know I am a person who values neatness".
Step four, tell or ask your son what to do. After all, "punishment without teaching is violence." For example, "Can you put these three socks in the basin in the bathroom?"
Now, compare these two sentences again: "Why are you throwing smelly socks everywhere again?" And "I saw you throw three dirty socks on the sofa, and I was very angry. You know I am a person who values cleanliness. Can you put these three socks in the basin in the bathroom? "
Obviously, the previous sentence confuses observation and comment, and the accusations and complaints between the lines are useless. If adolescence happens to meet menopause, it will even backfire. The latter sentence is much more rational and gentle. I believe that most people who hear this sentence will not be rebellious and bored.
Based on this, I'm thinking about something. Isn't it in this question and answer that we advocate respect and understanding for children? Some people say that "respect children" and "understand children" are empty slogans, but I think the slogan itself is right, and the mistake is people who don't know how to practice.
To tell the truth, I personally think that Dr. Marshall Luxembourg's nonviolent communication skills are easy to understand, but they may be limited by the inherent way of speaking. At present, I am not very skilled in using them. Sometimes I can't think of changing my way of speaking, sometimes I'm a little shy and sometimes I'm a little vague. In short, I still have a long way to go in practicing "non-violent communication", and repeated practice is king.