If you grab anyone who has read the Red Mansion and ask the same question: "Who do you think is the person with the highest EQ in the official book of Twelve Chai in Jinling?"
Not surprisingly, nine times out of ten, everyone's answer is surprisingly consistent: Xue Baochai!
Baochai is a comprehensive and decent person, who speaks seamlessly and does things in a comprehensive and steady way. She is able to help people around her and radiate heat evenly around the clock like a central air conditioner, but no one who deals with her does not praise her. Isn't this called high emotional intelligence?
Is that really the case?
Cai Kangyong recently published a new EQ course, which was very popular and subverted our traditional EQ concept.
He said: "Traditionally, EQ is a versatile person who has no emotions, will not lose his temper and will smile. If this is called high emotional intelligence, I don't think anyone will want it, because the price is to wronged themselves and their emotions. What is there to envy in this state? "
He said that the first essence of his high EQ is to "be yourself" and then find a proper balance between "be yourself" and "get along with others".
According to Kang's standards, the most emotional person in A Dream of Red Mansions is actually Lin Daiyu.
Back to the sixty-third, Shouyi Hongfang Group gave a banquet with a lot of money. In several places, they flew wildly and their fists were amused. They were having a good time when someone came to pick up Daiyu. She looked up at her watch:
"Oh, it's past eleven." I immediately stood up, stretched and yawned: "I can't stand it, I have to take medicine when I go back!" " "Get up and walk away, without any apology for leaving early." I'm sorry, I swept everyone's fun. "
The rest you look at me, I look at you: "Let's break up, too."
Chapter 36 has another detail. Baochai and Daiyu used to eat watermelon with their elders. After eating, "Baochai went to the Lotus Champs with Daiyu, and Daiyu said that she would take a bath at once, so they broke up." If the reader doesn't pay attention, he won't notice at all.
However, if you put yourself in her shoes, you can feel Daiyu's selflessness in the world.
Two people who can eat melons together are very close. When a person makes an appointment with another colleague, if there are no special circumstances, the latter is likely to go gladly, even if he doesn't want to go, he will generally not refuse.
This is human nature. If you want to covet the warmth of the world, you must first give up your own heat.
What's more, they are not working women who have to punch in at work, nor are they ordinary women who do laundry and cook, nor are they middle-aged mothers who have to go home to accompany their children to do homework. No one is holding them, and they don't need to worry.
They are young ladies who don't touch spring water. They do nothing every day, and there are many young people who have to be sent away.
You know, girls of this age like to go together even when they go to the toilet!
However, Daiyu dryly rejected Baochai. The reason is not that she is "unwell", but simply says, "I want to take a bath!"
Alas, Sister Lin and Sister Bao are both famous for being rich and afraid of heat. People are not in a hurry to wash. What's your hurry? Who doesn't know that your Xiaoxiang Pavilion is the summer resort of Grand View Garden, with dense bamboo leaves, shady trees and moss on the ground. Why is it so hot? What's wrong with going out early and coming back late?
She walked away, leaving Baochai alone in the hot sun.
If you are familiar with the Red Chamber, you will notice that Daiyu's schedule never changes easily for anyone. Usually, it is stricter than the army. If there are special circumstances, she will follow her body feelings and then adjust back.
Sleepy at night, I will take the initiative to make up for myself the next day. Even though Yingchun's joke called her "lazy girl", she didn't get up early to get along with everyone.
There are not so many critical moments in life to test your strength, and you don't need to shout slogans. It all depends on the details. As long as you can make your life run at your own pace without external interference, this is called practicing "being yourself".
Baochai said, "It's good at night. Let's discuss it in my mother's room and bring some needle and thread." I went to grandma's house and Mrs. Wang's house twice during the day, so I couldn't help sitting and chatting with her for half an hour. Sisters in the garden should also spend time chatting. So you can't be idle during the day, and you have to do needlework at night until the third night. "Everyone looked too tired for her.
As soon as Xiangling entered the Grand View Garden, she was anxious to learn poetry. Baochai called her, "Go out of the east corner of the garden and say hello to the old lady, then come into the garden and stroll around the girls' rooms for a while. "
Why bother? Even the old lady said that the ceremony was good and nothing happened. Although it is not surprising that many people are polite, there are some red tape gifts that are really wasteful. It is better not to have them.
Relax in the world and stick to a basic principle: it is not rude as long as it does not prevent others from influencing others. It's too much to be busy catering to everything, and others are tired and tired.
No wonder Qingwen of Justin complained to her: "We have nothing to do, so we came to sit down and told us not to sleep in the middle of the night!" Too much communication between people, isn't it an interruption?
"Love should not be too close. If it is too close, it will not continue, and there will be gaps. "
Therefore, measured by modern standards, in the matter of "being yourself", Sister Bao really needs to get closer to Sister Lin.
Being yourself has another advantage, which can lower the expectations of others and reserve more room for your own personality.
Cao Gong is very bad. After talking about Baochai's caution in the morning and evening, she immediately received Daiyu's "poor reception and disrespect for the world", apparently deliberately comparing the two.
Daiyu is sick and coughs every season and can't go out. When she was bored, she looked forward to people coming. When her sisters really came to see her, she was "hard to say and tired."
However, everyone's response to her was unanimous generosity. "Everyone knows that she is sick, delicate and delicate, and she can't be wronged." She doesn't know whether it's good or bad, but "she's not harsh."
What is worth pondering is that on the night of Mid-Autumn Festival, Xiangyun, who accompanied Daiyu in writing poems, complained to Baochai, who went back to her family: hateful Sister Baochai, who had agreed to spend the Mid-Autumn Festival together long ago, left us today and went to enjoy the moon alone.
The difference is that Baochai is impeccable in treating people and things on weekdays, which raises people's expectations for her out of thin air, not to mention being suspected of being a "spy" by Daiyu.
The extreme negative textbook in this respect is Qin Keqing.
After her death, the whole family cried bitterly, and everyone thought of her daily benefits, such as being poor, poor, filial to her elders, and who she was close to.
According to the traditional concept, such people should be really "high emotional intelligence", right? But in fact, she did not get real happiness from such "high emotional intelligence", but was bitten by it.
My mother-in-law, You Shi, said that although she can talk and laugh at people, she loves thinking too much, and she has to think about everything for three to five days. No matter how uncomfortable you are, you have to struggle to attend the occasion for fear of leaving messages for others.
When I was sick and the lights were exhausted, "the flesh on my face and body was thin and dry", and I also told the visitors that the jujube paste yam cake that the old lady rewarded was easy to digest. Until the last moment of her life, she was still denying herself, completely unaware that "the harm caused by catering and internal friction is huge and far-reaching."
Throughout his life, he is not a true self, and such "high emotional intelligence" is not worth mentioning.
Being yourself also involves time management.
In order to keep pace with the people around us, many people repeatedly indulge in procrastination, making things inefficient and wasting precious time, "plowing other people's land and wasting their own land."
There are still many people who simply indulge in self-discipline and "play with farming and herding sheep" because they are afraid of loneliness. As a result, others didn't delay anything, but they wasted their time and got nothing.
With so much time, the more you give to others, the less you leave to yourself.
The concubines in the palace have a line: "Since you can't be considerate of everyone, be considerate of yourself first!"
Lin Daiyu prefers to spend her time on what she wants to do, rather than pleasing others and trying to blend in with the masses.
She is willing to leave a door for the big swallow in the house until it flies back and then put down the curtain and lean against the stone lion;
I would like to sit in the full moon window covered with bamboo leaves and teach Ying Ge under the porch to read poetry through the screen window, just like "the jade hook bends the column to tune the parrot and turns away from the spring talk." People in songs;
I would like to go to the corner with my hoe to bury the fallen red flowers when my sisters are playing Call for Friends on Mango Festival.
I am willing to spend a few days patiently teaching Xiangling poetry, and there is no hurry. The reason is "she came to ask me, is there any reason not to teach?"
I prefer to spend half a year making a purse for Baoyu, so that he can dress comfortably and beautifully.
Not all people need to fit in. Our Daiyu walked alone, read alone, wrote alone, and recited alone. She lives an open and honest life and does not suffer losses in interpersonal relationships. Even if she occasionally cares about one thing and loses another, it is her own initiative.
The same loneliness needs others to endure, but now she enjoys it. When a person's spiritual world is rich enough to be alone, he will be very calm, so he won't have too much obsession with gathering and parting: "It's better to leave than to get together."
When reading A Dream of Red Mansions, we often worry too much about Daiyu: How can such a self-centered person blend in with the crowd?
In fact, Daiyu didn't live alone because of this, and everyone who asked her to play lined up. Baochai is her Jin Lanqi, Xiangyun is her good playmate, Baoqin is her favorite, and Tanchun and Miaoyu also value her, not to mention Baoyu's useful care. Even Xiangling, as soon as she entered the Grand View Garden, was the only one looking for it.
In the crowd, she laughed and scolded and was mean, all because of her temper. The good and the bad are all put in the good side, but because of the truth, she gets more love: "I don't love or hate her mouth."
Lin Daiyu found a balance between being herself and getting along with others.
Daiyu's high emotional intelligence also shows that she never cares about the personnel she thinks are not worth it and does not consume her own energy.
When Baochai gave Aunt Zhao a gift, Aunt Zhao actually thought to herself: You can't blame everyone for saying that Miss Bao is good. If Miss Lin doesn't even look at us girls, where will she give us anything?
What about Aunt Zhao's condescension to Daiyu? Even if I heard it with my own ears, I believe Daiyu can laugh it off. For Aunt Zhao, she can't hide from time to time. Be polite. She can give Baoyu a wink and tell him to run quickly, but at the same time she apologizes and pours tea. However, deep down, she is firm. Even Xueyan, her little daughter and Aunt Zhao, who came to borrow mourning clothes, knew how to refuse neatly and tactfully.
She also heard it with her own ears outside the window. Aroma praised Baochai and spoke ill of Baochai, saying that Baochai was generous and cultured. If Miss Lin changes ... she doesn't care at all, but is moved by Baoyu's excuse-"Ah! I'm really not wrong about you. You are really my bosom friend. "
Qingwen opened the door for her, but Baoyu annoyed her. After the latter explained clearly, he said that Qingwen would be punished. She made a joke and passed, not persistent, showing everyone's tolerance.
Chen Guo, a teacher at Fudan University, said: "It's important that others like you and you like yourself, but when the two cannot be balanced, it's more important that you like yourself." Yes, as long as the people she cares about care about her, and the people she cherishes cherish her, as for others, who do you love? You see, I am not convinced, and I treat you like air.
How many troubles in life are due to not prioritizing and not understanding the fact that "dealing with yourself is more cost-effective than dealing with others".
People who know the Red Chamber must love Daiyu. And this kind of love will only increase and last.
Modern people who are often trapped in the confusion of interpersonal relationships deserve a good appreciation of Lin Daiyu's lifestyle.
So don't criticize Daiyu's low emotional intelligence. The latest definition of high EQ should be like Daiyu, focusing on the key points of life. It's like using the good steel on the tip of a knife to pry open the hard clam shell of ordinary years and capture all kinds of fun in your life.
Be alert, don't turn life into a kebab stall. Seen from a distance, it is steaming, but in fact it is filled with smoke. Try to make sure that every side is cooked evenly and make a hullabaloo about to everyone who comes and goes.
Instead of treating feelings like Chili cumin noodles and wasting time and energy on unnecessary things, it is better to be like Dai Yu:
"Stay in the world, meet the vicissitudes of life, have a lover, and do happy things, whether it is robbery or fate, it is worthy of love."