Loushanguan is a typical poor child in the play, sincere but a little dull, and the most honest child in the shop. Every day at lunch, everyone eats together in the conference room. There is only one piece of white rice in Loushanguan. With the help of the clerk, all the dishes that everyone could not finish were left to him, and his dinner was left behind.
Xiao Lou's parents are in a small city on the 18th line, and their salary is very low. His mother likes playing mahjong very much, which Loushanguan doesn't object to. Don't forget to remind her not to play mahjong when you call home.
He comes from a typical working-class family, and he is unable to help his children economically or professionally. In fact, Xiao Lou Family is the most grounded, and it also reflects the living conditions of most ordinary people.
There is also the movie "Fanghua", which is about an army art troupe full of ideals and passions in the 1970s and 1980s. Both the hero and heroine are loveless children at home. Why did Liu Feng become a "living Lei Feng"? It was the primitive family that took root in his subconscious and made him hate evil but demand perfection. He Xiaoping, the hostess, has been neglected and excluded since she was a child. She is always patient and never resists. She craves attention and praise.
At the end of the film, Liu Feng and He Xiaoping live alone, which is actually the inevitable result. In this play, only He Xiaoping can understand Liu Feng, because they grew up in a similar "environment" and came out of the same family background. That's what "misery loves company" should mean.
So, what is family background? Simply put, it is the family where we grow up and live with our parents. It is precisely because this is the first environment in which we came to this world that its state is of great significance to the formation of our character and thinking habits.
Since we were born, parents' ideas, personality characteristics, behavior patterns, husband-wife relationship and other factors have imperceptibly influenced us. It is before the age of seven that our personality is shaped by this invisible and unforgettable force.
Psychologist Jin Shang, combined with his research results for more than 20 years, gave many practical and effective methods in the book "Restarting Life: How to Get Out of the Shadow of Being Born in a Family".
The main title of this book is to start life again, and the subtitle is how to get out of the shadow of family background. It is divided into five chapters to discuss how to get out of intergenerational trauma, including five-stage therapy of intergenerational trauma, virtual love therapy, how to heal the injured inner child, how to heal the body and mind and various practical methods to heal the internal relationship.
Austrian psychologist Adler said: "Lucky people are cured by childhood all their lives, while unfortunate people are cured by childhood all their lives." It can be seen that it is very important for families and individuals to heal wounds as soon as possible.
The book "Starting Life Again" focuses on three novel and profound issues:
Many people avoid talking about intergenerational trauma. After all, in childhood, there are shadows of family parents. Some people suffer less trauma, while others are more stimulated. Even Dong Qing, a well-known host of CCTV, said: Because I was born in a family, I still feel inferior.
The five-stage therapy of intergenerational trauma can be divided into five stages: the first stage, the therapy of reconstructing individual virtual love; The second stage is to mourn the lost childhood and surrender to the present; The third stage is to eliminate guilt and rebuild innocence; The fourth stage, eliminate the sense of shame and rebuild the sense of value; The fifth stage is to find life and the meaning of life.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: "Mourning the ending power of a complete tragedy means fully experiencing the emotions that should exist in life." The purpose of this is to let the interviewees bid farewell to the past, leave their families normally and accept everything in the present.
In fact, people who pay attention to the psychological trauma of Origin and Death basically have a psychological conflict about love and hate, that is, a contest between inner "life instinct" and "death instinct". No matter what they point to in real life, in the end all metaphors point to their parents.
Happy, warm and safe childhood will lay an optimistic, positive and cheerful personality background; Sad, lonely and fearful childhood laid a pessimistic, negative and autistic background.
People who grow up in a happy family can nourish their whole lives with the energy accumulated in childhood. People who grow up in unhappy families spend their whole lives making up for what they owe in childhood.
Satya, a "master of family therapy", also said this sentence, which also revealed many brands brought by the family during its growth: "A person is inextricably linked with his family, and this connection may affect his life."
As we all know, Leslie Cheung, a superstar, committed suicide by jumping off a building because of depression. Seemingly glamorous, he once had a gloomy and cold childhood. When I was a child, Leslie Cheung's father was busy with business, sociable and fond of playing with women, and seldom went home all the year round. The relationship between father and son is very cold and strange. Father and son may not recognize each other when they walk on the road.
Leslie Cheung's childhood was gray and lonely, and the tone of his life was doomed to be full of melancholy and pessimism.
For example, Zhang Ailing, who was accused of "falling in love with traitors", divorced her father and remarried, and her stepmother and father repeatedly beat her. Her father even told her to die ... Zhang Ailing even thought, "If she dies, she will be buried in the garden".
Lack of fatherly love since childhood, Hu Lancheng is older than her 14 years old, and Yarabi is 29 years older than her.
In the face of these wounds in Descendants, someone summed up this sentence: "Every executioner can find a cruel shadow in Descendants." Childhood injury has become an abyss, staring at everyone.
Therefore, a correct understanding of family of origin's trauma is our primary task as adults, so as to correct ourselves and stop passing the injury on to our children.
Family of origin's trauma belongs to the complicated psychological trauma caused by his parents. If it is experienced in the early life and lasts for a long time, it is called the family of origin trauma.
According to Herman's description, there are seven main symptoms: changes in the control of emotions and conflicts, changes in overtones and perceptions, changes in somatization, changes in self-cognition, changes in the cognition of aggressors, changes in the relationship with others, and changes in the meaning system (how to look at life, others and beliefs).
The trauma of being born in a family is often a problem in the process of children's growth. Parents may project some of their anger, world-weariness, dissatisfaction and self-loathing on their children because of their poor economic situation, low educational level and drug addiction, because children are the most vulnerable and unable to fight back and escape.
For example, parents may go home to beat their children because they encounter something unsatisfactory outside; For example, swearing: "You are an idiot", "You really embarrass me", "You picked it up from the garbage" and "You are the worst child in the world" ... How to make children suffer, just say it.
In "Starting Life Again", the author Jin Shang classifies family of origin's trauma as:
1, physical abuse
There used to be a cartoon with profound meaning: when a child made a mistake, the father picked up a feather duster and beat his son. At this time, grandpa grabbed his son in one hand and a feather duster in the other, yelling, "How many times has Dad told you not to hit your son!"
After becoming parents, many people always have an irresistible impulse to hit their children. It is not so much a child's problem as the parents' own emotions are out of control. The most fundamental reason is that parents have an educational tragedy that continues the family psychologically. So they project their psychological reactions into the cerebral cortex and make excessive behaviors.
2. Sexual assault
Some people think that sexual assault is only a physical violation, but in fact, child sexual assault means more than being molested and raped. However, any activity related to sex, whether the child likes it or not, is sexual abuse to the child.
3. Emotional abuse
Psychologically, emotional abuse means that in a relationship, the status of both sides is unequal, and the person in the dominant position controls, ignores and insults the weak side.
Emotional neglect: it is a kind of trauma related to sense of existence and value, which means that we can't get corresponding emotional support and response from our parents. Feelings caused by emotional neglect include feelings of rejection, neglect, inequality, despair and self-evaluation.
Emotional control: including over-protection, over-intervention and over-expectation. Over-protection, talking about doting on parents, over-interference, talking about borderless parents, over-expectation, talking about strict parents. These three kinds of parents have performed extremely "wonderful" skills to control their children, which makes their children's lives seriously suffocated or even serious.
Emotional control is not love, but control. Calling love control is one of the most common lies in parent-child relationship, and it is easy for us to believe this lie and get hurt.
Emotional blackmail: also known as emotional blackmail and emotional kidnapping, that is, in the name of love, threatening the other party to obey their own ideas. Its core lies in the word "distortion", which generally goes through the following steps: "demand-rejection-threat-guilt or shame of the other party-submission of the other party".
Since intergenerational trauma is so important to children's growth, can it be solved? Since "Restarting Life" is also called "How to Get Out of the Shadow of Family Birth", there is naturally a corresponding answer, and according to the author Jin Shang, "this book pays more attention to the center of gravity, which lies in practical operation and application. This is a reference book and can be used directly after you get it. " In the fifth chapter, you can find the answer to the problem of intergenerational reincarnation.
People who are hurt by unfortunate families hope to learn something from books, at least learn to "perceive" and master their own "manual of positive emotions".
As Keigo Higashino said in "At Birth"-"Everyone wants to be born in a good family, but they can't choose their parents. What kind of cards are sent to you, you can only play as well as possible. " Instead of imposing childhood experiences on your children when you become a parent.