Sister Xin wants to say that people with real high emotional intelligence don't need to deliberately make others comfortable and won't wronged themselves.
They all have one thing in common: soft words and hard work.
Tender talk
There's a question on Zhihu:
What can I do to make my life better immediately?
One of the answers impressed Xin Jie-talk well.
Don't let a word become eternal hatred, let alone a word destroy a person.
Someone said, "Language can reveal a person best. As long as you ask, I can understand you. "
In life, many people, by virtue of their close relationship with each other, or by virtue of their directness, have lost the proper limits of their remarks and made some wild remarks, which have hurt others unconsciously.
There are also some people who obviously care about it, but don't know how to express their feelings; Obviously want to care, but it is chilling to say irony; Clearly wronged, but miserable, misunderstanding constantly. ......
These people all suffer from being unable to speak.
As the saying goes, still water runs deep when words reach your mouth.
The content, manner and tone of your speech are all related to the effectiveness of the whole communication.
People with high emotional intelligence are not necessarily high in face value or outstanding, but the unhurried tone and appropriate words of Ta will make you feel comfortable with each other, like a spring breeze; At the same time, Ta's sincerity and frankness in dealing with people also make you willing to help Ta.
These five ways of speaking should be avoided in life:
1. Tags: You are a selfish person!
2. Irony: Don't count on your IQ!
3. Threat: If you do this again, we will divorce!
4. Question: You can't do a simple thing well, obviously you don't want to do it, right?
5. generalize by partiality: you are just unreliable after 90!
Emotions and sorrows are human nature. People with high emotional intelligence are not without emotions, but can restrain their emotions, not say angry words, face problems rationally and not hurt people with negative emotions. More importantly, they don't flatter, but know how to express their inner needs in an appropriate way.
It takes skill to express your emotions to each other. I suggest you use the SBI feedback method:
What kind of situation, what kind of behavior you have made me feel (affected).
For example, if you talk about project cooperation with a client and haven't come home in the middle of the night, your wife calls to blame: you don't care about me at all!
At this time, don't say: you don't understand me at all. I'm working hard to support my family, right? Maybe you all drink northwest wind!
Exploding emotions will only hurt both sides.
The correct way is to calm down and say to your wife: Dear, I am talking about the cooperation (scene) of an important project with my client. I feel wronged (feeling) when you called and said that I don't care about you (behavior).
Using objective description instead of subjective evaluation will ease the tense relationship a lot.
Work hard
In the book "Cai Kangyong's EQ Class", there is such a passage:
"Comfort is the most important reason for pursuing high emotional intelligence. If you are likable, but you lose yourself, that is the worst case of emotional intelligence. "
People with higher EQ can not only empathize with others' difficulties, but also show off their superiority. I also know how to express my real needs and ideas. I am good at balancing my own needs with those of others.
High EQ does not mean accommodating others unprincipled and pleasing others without a bottom line. Instead, we must have a clear inner bottom line, take a clear stand, know what to do and what not to do, have a solid three views, weigh the pros and cons, do not seek temporary benefits, and do not deliberately please any relationship.
Be a man like a coin, be flexible and open-minded and be able to maintain harmony with the outside world. But we must be inner, have firm principles and untouchable bottom line, have our own unshakable attitude and persistence, stand the temptation and stand the test, and never lose ourselves in interpersonal communication. It will be wonderful to enjoy life.
Wilde said: "Love yourself is the beginning of a romantic life."
The philosopher Baskery also said, "If you don't love yourself, you will never love others."
Only those who love themselves can be loved.
In other words, being kind to yourself is the deepest care for yourself and others, and it is the first premise of high emotional intelligence.
The highest EQ is the inside of the outer ring.
American psychologist Daniel Gorman said in his book Emotional Intelligence:
Your comfort determines the height you can reach.
People with high emotional intelligence know how to behave, which not only makes people comfortable, but also has a good grasp of the scale and a clear sense of boundaries.
As Bi Shumin said in the Relationship Garden of Education:
We should learn to be close to our parents and listen instead of doing what we are told. And the people we love are as close as lips and teeth, close and not confused;
And our children are also teachers and friends, loving and not arranging; And our friends know each other and don't cross the line;
And our boss is respectful but not flattering; Cooperate with peers and stay out of it; Be humble to our subordinates, not condescending; Fear of nature, not arrogance ......
The highest EQ is to speak softly and work hard, and it is the cultivation of principle.
People with high emotional intelligence are polite and restrained, know well and have a sense of proportion in their mouths.
Being a man, combining soft and hard, and combining soft and hard can be handy; When you talk and do things, you will be very happy outside and inside the circle. Fiona Fang is very moderate!