I know Teacher Wu Gang because of an article pushed by the public account "Zeng Qifeng Studio" - "The day does not understand the darkness of the night - written to all mothers with sons." After reading it, I thought it was so cool that someone could write such an interesting article about parenting based on psychology. At that time, I became very interested in the book "The Joyful Battle".
To be precise, "The Fun of Combat" is more like an anthology. The short articles describe the psychological characteristics of children aged 0 to 3, 3 to 6, 6 to 10 and 10 to 16 years old, as well as the matters that parents should pay attention to when raising children. However, it seems inappropriate to mention precautions because it is too serious.
Teacher Wu himself must be an interesting person. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to write such an interesting article.
It’s hard to imagine that he is an engineering student or an engineer.
Use simple and easy-to-understand language to introduce slightly obscure psychological concepts; then use easy-to-read stories and witticisms one after another to make people ponder while clapping and laughing, and at the same time, Harvest with ease and joy - because you understand, you are calm.
If teachers had such skills, learning would no longer be painful.
The book has three recommendation forewords written by celebrities, but in my opinion, none of them are as powerful as the "recommendation" written by Teacher Wu's daughter. The logic, the playful energy, are so graphic (as if listening to a stand-up comedy). It’s hard to imagine that this was the work of a middle school student. As expected, she is Teacher Wu's biological daughter. She is better than her predecessors.
Here are some excerpts from the book that touched me or made me gain something.
These excerpts are only part of the essence of the book. The other essence can only be felt by those who read the whole book.
Sincerely recommended.
Excerpted notes——
?In East Asia with Confucian culture, generally speaking, raising children was originally done in large families. Such a family is basically a large family or clan centered on the father, which is the so-called patriarchal society in the feudal era. In such a family, children must obey their father's discipline, and they also respect their father's authority the most. Although mothers are good at taking care of children in life or material matters, they have no real decision-making power, and they never need to think carefully about their children's feelings, including understanding and responding to any messages sent by their children's inner world.
Today’s society is different. The result of the disintegration of extended families or traditional communities is that small or nuclear families are forced to become independent. Under such circumstances, men initially have to learn to be fathers, while women must learn to take care of themselves other than material care (e.g., at the psychological level). Although many people now live in different metropolises from the past, there is still an invisible pressure that urges every parent to perform at a certain level, from material to superficial behaviors. ...Child psychologist Winnicott's most touching classic saying: When a child looks up at his mother's face, what he sees is the child himself. What this sentence means is that the child is lying in his mother's arms and knows nothing about the world and doesn't know much about himself. His only source of information is his mother's face. The child can judge who he is by his mother's facial expressions. What kind of person.
If a child looks at his mother's face whenever he looks at it, his mother will be looking at him with shining eyes, a smile on his face, and full of joy. One day, two days, one week, two weeks, one month and two months. , this impression is superimposed layer by layer, and gradually stabilizes, the child will form a concept: Because I am a good child, a child worthy of love, and a valuable child, my mother will be so happy when she sees me. This is the beginning of the formation of a person's self-worth and the core foundation of a person's personality. With this foundation, this person's life will not be too miserable.
If the mother’s face that the child sees most of the time is indifferent, disgusting, and angry, over time, the child will also form a concept: because I am a bad child and a bad child. A child worthy of love is a worthless child. That’s why my mother would be so upset when she saw me. This child's life-long depression style is basically determined.
?... Winnicott also has a classic saying: Every child is a natural psychotherapist for his parents.
? When a child looks up at his mother’s face, he sees himself;
When a mother looks down at her child, she sees herself.
The gaze between each other, me in you, you in me, is the two-way recognition of the child and the mother, and the ultimate sharing and exchange of emotional big data. It not only lays the foundation for the child's personality, but also repairs the mother's personality defects. It is so precious and important, yet so ordinary and simple.
I often see various articles talking about parent-child and companionship. I feel that just being with children is not companionship. Only a personal relationship with mutual recognition is true companionship. From a drive theory perspective, the child is also very normal.
This age group is when the aggressive drive is strongest, especially for boys. He wants to show his strength by attacking others and the environment. The main methods of attack are behavior and language.
?...Don’t try hard to be a scientist mother, because having an ordinary mother is a blessing that your child has cultivated in his previous life.
Knowledge link The psychological explanation is: children can only give up a symptom after playing with it. If we have to rise to a philosophical level, it is this: We can only give up what we once had. If the child does what he wants to do, and does it correctly, and then does it again, and does it correctly, the child's self-confidence will become stronger and stronger. Therefore, we must be tolerant enough to tolerate children's "bad" behaviors.
?What is anxiety? Anxiety is the worry about unpredictable and uncontrollable things in the future. The appreciation and encouragement in my mother's eyes will make my children feel that I am a great child and that I have nothing to fear. This is the initial building of self-confidence.
?When every child comes into this world, he will be full of curiosity about this complicated environment, and they will explore it in their own instinctive way.
In this process of exploration, if the people around him appreciate and encourage his curiosity, he will fully unleash his potential; If his curiosity is harsh and suppressed due to safety or health considerations, he will often be in a state of panic. When he wants to try and explore new things, he will be hesitant and even take the initiative to retreat in order to protect himself. As time accumulates, what the child shows is the difference in self-confidence and intelligence, because he cannot focus all his energy on the goal to be challenged, and needs to allocate part of it to observe words and emotions. The difference between pampering and pampering is not in behavior, but in different starting points. Pampering is to satisfy the normal needs of the child as he or she grows up, while pampering is to satisfy the caregiver's own needs, but these needs are often disguised as the needs of the child.
The love that children need for their own growth is pampering. The more the better, because children cannot be spoiled.
Love that is meant to satisfy the caregiver’s own needs is doting. The less the better, otherwise it will devour the child.
Knowledge link The same piece of land can turn into fertile farmland with guaranteed harvests in 18 years, or it can turn into barren sandy land that is hardened and salted in 18 years. It seems that it depends on the parcel land. A person's level actually depends fundamentally on what the landlord thinks.
Whether you are farming or raising children, you must follow the laws of nature. Violating the laws of nature is called going against nature, and you will have to pay a price. The famous psychologist Karen Horney said: "Human beings are born with a tendency towards self-actualization. If obstacles are removed, people will naturally develop into mature, fully realized individuals, just like an oak tree. The seed grows into an oak tree."
Old man Bing Xin once said: "Let children grow naturally like wildflowers." This can be understood as not doing everything for you, but not doing it for you. Let go and give your children time and space to grow independently. A child's growth belongs to him and is irreplaceable. It ultimately relies on the power of self-sustainable development. Only with strong independence and a child's willingness to be independent and self-reliant can a child develop better physically, intellectually, and emotionally. , can help develop children's independent and responsible attitude.
?When children gain confidence, their desire to learn will be stronger, and they will develop an attitude of being responsible for themselves and the ability to handle problems independently.
?The two major factors that determine a child’s future development are genes and environment. Genes determine the sequence of development, and the environment determines the level of development.
What parents need to do is to understand their children’s growth stages and characteristics, create a good environment for their children at different stages, and help them remove obstacles that hinder their growth.
?Don’t artificially create setbacks for your children. There will be enough setbacks on your children’s growth path.
?The "gentle push" from reassurance to letting go. It is gentle enough, with full love from parents, so that children will not feel abandoned or rejected; at the same time, it is powerful enough, with enough trust from parents, so that children can make up their minds to leave the arms of their parents and try challenges on their own. The unknown world. A child's first recognition is with his mother. The child's second identification is with his father (after the age of two or three, children gradually like to play with their father). The second identification is accompanied by the first separation from the mother, and the two processes occur simultaneously.
(The second identification was completed well) The little boy's psychology and physiology began to be harmonious and unified, and he followed his father from then on, imitating his father and running in the direction of men. This is the boy's second identification and the last psychological identification of gender. ...
(The girl discovered that she was different from her father during her second recognition, and began to slowly separate from her father)... This is the girl's second separation from her father. Although she worked blindly with her father for a while, this second recognition allowed the girl to understand how men think and act, laying a solid foundation for her to choose a real man in the future.
?From the perspective of the psychological development process, the boy is separated once and recognized twice. The second recognition of his father is a one-time deal. Girls are separated twice and identified three times. The reason why God takes special care of girls and gives them one more chance to identify, so that they can make up for and adjust in case something goes wrong is because they not only have to develop well, but also bear the burden of the future. The important task of raising the next generation cannot be taken lightly. Theoretically speaking, women who identify more than once are mentally more developed than men. Although as a man, I am not convinced, but this is indeed a fact, and I can only accept my fate.
In this complex identification process, boys develop into men who are consistent inside and outside, and girls develop into women who are consistent inside and outside. When they grow up, they attract each other according to the laws of nature. In other words, only real girls can attract real boys. We adults need to understand a principle: a child's behavior depends on the facts he believes, not the real facts.
? Accompanying children to grow up is not an easy process, but this difficulty is rewarding. One of the best rewards is that children will lead us into their world, awaken our childhood memories, put aside the greed, anger, ignorance, resentment, parting, and failure of the real world for a while, and enjoy the pure happiness of the moment.
This is a specially customized gift from a child to his parents. It will be delivered on time and will not be delayed.
The way boys grow up is different from that of girls. They need wider boundaries. Since the family has wild horses, they must be given a piece of grassland. If you only give him a sheepfold, he will be like a junior high school teacher describing the boys in the class: naughty, gentle, and naive; or like a junior high school girl describing the male classmates in the class: neither as smart as us, nor as winking as us, and finally The funny thing is that they are not as strong as we are yet.
?When children are not yet capable of directly fighting opponents stronger than themselves, it is a normal reaction to use imagination to relieve stress.
?...Children aged 2-4 live in two worlds at the same time, one is a real world suitable for adults to enjoy, and the other is their own fantasy world. These two worlds are Parallel exists at the same time and overlaps with each other. (Two or three years old) Children at this age are too weak compared to their mother’s authority. After a few struggles, they surrender. Over time, children will form a conditioned reflex: I must obey those with authority. People with authority cannot resist. The more fiercely they resist, the stronger the counterattack will be.
Children who grow up in such a family environment are like a beautifully tied hairy crab. They will no longer be missing arms and legs from running around and crawling around and fighting with each other, but they will also lose the ability to protect oneself.
? Children who step out of the family and enter a collective environment all have a natural tendency, which is self-doubt. They all hope to be recognized by the social group to confirm that they are a popular and valuable person. people, thus gradually forming a stable self. If a child does not have a solid foundation in the family and there are problems with the evaluation standards of this social environment, then there will definitely be problems with the child's self-formation.
?Teacher Zeng Qifeng once said: Children who were manipulated by their mothers when they were young will also be manipulated by others when they grow up. This means that if a child is trained too well when he is a child, he will be a soft persimmon for others to manipulate when he grows up. To sum it up in four words, "good kids are easy to get scared".
?Theoretically speaking, kindergarten is an upward extension of the family, not a downward extension of primary school.
This up-down relationship further clarifies the positioning of the kindergarten.
The growth process of a child is a process of gradual differentiation. It gradually transitions from the binary relationship of mother and child to the triadic relationship of mother, father and child, and then expands to a rich and diverse relationship by entering kindergarten. relation. For children with low collars, they basically cannot remember the cultural landscapes and historical monuments when traveling. The only thing they can remember is the pure happy time when their parents and themselves were together when traveling. Because this is remembered using the body and emotions, not the cerebral cortex, this kind of memory will never be forgotten. Countless theories and data prove that a person's work productivity and quality of life, especially the ability to recover from a major blow (adverse quotient), depend on having a good social support system. Being able to effectively build and make full use of social support systems is an indispensable part of success.
?The so-called social support system refers to the material and spiritual help and support that an individual can obtain from others in his or her own social network.
In layman's terms, a person's success depends on what kind of circle of friends he has, what kind of circle of friends he can build for himself, and what he can get from his circle of friends. What kind of help. This ability is much more important than academic qualifications, financial resources, physical strength, and beauty. This is personality charm. From the perspective of systemic family therapy, personal problems are manifestations of family problems, and personal lifestyles are often a repetition of family lifestyles. The family is an interrelated system, and the decisive factor that causes problems is the way the family interacts.
?Teacher Zeng Qifeng once said a very interesting thing: A culture that favors boys over girls protects women, because in this culture, once you are taken seriously, you are finished.
The meaning of this sentence is: In our traditional culture, if a person is valued, he must have high aspirations, be ambitious, follow the rules, work hard, stay away from low-level tastes, and exercise restraint from an early age. With seven emotions and six desires, strive to be a pure person, a person who is not like a normal person, a person who is processed according to other people's standards. People who are not valued are people who have grown up according to human nature, are relatively normal people, and are people who live according to their own standards.
?As the old saying goes: A loving mother often loses her children. Lao Wu said: A strong mother has many mediocre sons.
A loving mother creates a loser because a loving mother satisfies her own needs by doting on her son; a strong mother creates a mediocre son because a strong mother vents her anger by "castrating" her son. Starting from the way of cultural transmission, Mead divided the entire human culture into three basic types: Post-Figurative, Co-Figurative and Pre-Figurative
< p> Established culture: refers to the fact that the younger generation mainly learns from the eldersMutual aid culture: means that both the younger generations and the elders learn from their peers
Undeveloped culture: means that the elders in turn learn from the younger generations Learning
?Children's creativity should be protected, not cultivated, because creativity is a child's natural instinct. As long as parents protect it and do not destroy it, it is enough. Maybe we need to rethink the way we treat our children, because the future is no longer a continuation of today, but a complete disruption of today.
? We are better at following than leading.
? Learning from children is the best way for parents to grow. As long as you want to praise someone, you will definitely find something worthy of praise.
? When a child’s desire for exclusivity is not satisfied, all sharing is false and is an act against one’s will to please adults.
This old Italian lady (Montessori) believes that children are the fathers of adults.
…
The old lady also issued a stern warning: “Without the help of children, adults will become decadent. If adults do not work hard to renew themselves, a hard shell will begin to form on them. The most important psychological task for adolescent children is to develop the ability to identify themselves. Children need to determine their own value and position themselves through the eyes of their peers, so they need to. Frequent interactions with peers. Education must eventually return to its essence, which is the influence of life on life. Reading while enduring hardship is the least efficient way to study.
?The time when the human brain performs best is not when it is negative and pessimistic or when the heart is still, but when it is surrounded by positive emotions.
…
When people are happier and more positive, they become more successful.
?Instead of complaining that children are unwilling to "endure hardship", it is better to think about who has turned learning into "drudgery".
?In a modern society with more and more opportunities, everyone should gain the corresponding social and economic status by giving full play to their strengths, instead of working hard like a rabbit. Struggling hard just to compete with the turtle to see who can swim faster.
So whether it is hard or not is not absolute. When you do the same thing, whether you are in a monkey state (so hard) or in a monkey state (so happy) has nothing to do with it. It has nothing to do with the time when you do it. related to the mentality.
No one in this world is afraid of suffering. What we are really afraid of is: pain that is meaningless. The famous psychologist Adler said in the book "Children's Personality Education": "Teachers are not responsible for the school system, but they can alleviate the inhumanity and harshness of the system with personal sympathy and understanding. That’s the best thing.” To accompany your children as they grow up, you must understand the rules of their psychological development. If you are familiar with the rules and anticipate the enemy first, you will enjoy it; if you only know a little about it, you will have to endure it if you respond hastily.
?When mother’s language comes back, mother comes back. When mother comes back, mother's love comes back.
…
When the mother’s love comes back, the child’s heart is settled.
?In addition to love, there is also a layer of "loyalty" between parents and children: you respect me one foot, and I will respect you one! You are so kind to me, tolerate my rebelliousness, understand my pressure, do not use my grades as the only criterion to judge me, and regard me as a person more important than my grades. I can’t be too sorry for you. I know that studying is the top priority at this stage. I know that you hope that I will spend more energy and time on studying. I will try my best to work hard, not only for you, but also for myself.
?From a psychological point of view, the process of children growing up is also a process of constant loss of dependence.
? Parents give their children a psychological hint of independence and growth through the rituals of each growth node. Through these rituals, children will also know that although they have lost some dependence, they have gained more love, unconditional love.
Growth and dependence are like the two ends of a seesaw. Only when they are roughly balanced can you play well. … In order to keep this seesaw balanced, the only thing we can do is use love to compensate them for what they have to lose.
?Growing up is like a long journey in the cold winter when water drops turn into ice. Children must go on a journey independently. No one can replace it. Parental love is like food and clothing. The best help we can provide our children is to let them eat well and dress warmly before setting off, so that they can go further.