It is important for everyone to have a sense of control over their own lives, but we also need to understand that in this world, we still need to abide by the rules that are not made by us and meet the needs of others. People with strong desire for control may resist anyone's demands on them, and procrastination becomes a reflex reaction to their desire for control. Procrastination to gain a sense of control may be unconscious or conscious. Think about your procrastination. Do you always struggle with some rules?

Let's look at people's behavior of delaying fighting.

(1) These Rules have not been abolished.

In life, there are indeed some rules that make people feel bored and bound. The rules made by others or your own beliefs are like an external force, which makes your self-control feel challenged. Do you remember when you were a child, when your mother asked you to clean your desk or take out the garbage downstairs, you could always find countless reasons to delay doing these things. Will delaying these things make you feel happy? Because you just want to do things on your own schedule.

(B) the strength of vulnerable groups

When you realize that others are in a more authoritative position than you, you will feel stressed and helpless. In companies, academia, etc. Under the oppression of authoritative leaders, you can see subordinates delaying their superiors. Postpone the submission of reports and the preparation of PPT for the boss's meeting. Sometimes you can finish these things on time when your friends ask you to help. Procrastinators may procrastinate for fear of being judged. They are worried that their work is not done well enough. However, some procrastinators always complain that the tasks given by their bosses are ridiculous: "This is ridiculous." "Why should I do what she wants?" These procrastinators are fighting for power and profit. Procrastination makes your boss look less powerful, and you find some sense of control in it.

(3) Leave me alone.

Procrastination is sometimes a strategy to resist aggression by others. In daily life, have you ever experienced that when you borrow something from others or ask for help from others, if you or the other person is not very willing to do these things, do you always refuse it temporarily on the pretext of "later"? When you don't know how to refuse a request, procrastination becomes the only way to say "no"

(4) Race against time

Procrastination sometimes brings a sense of adventure. Some procrastinators put things off until the last minute and enjoy the fun and risk of this adventure, just like a person walking on a narrow road on the edge of a cliff, trying to see how close he can get to the edge of the cliff before falling. If things finally succeed, these people are even more ecstatic, and even take a photo of staying up late and send it to friends to show their efficiency at the last moment. So when you brush into this circle of friends, do you really like this behavior?

(5) The taste of revenge

If you are hurt or betrayed, you can get revenge by delaying. For example, if the superior criticizes your work, you choose to delay the task and let him be criticized by the boss. Although you will be scolded again, you can let the person you hate be scolded and you will enjoy the pleasure of revenge.

(6) the ultimate battle

This is a struggle with reality. Some people don't want to accept things as they are, can't accept that they have lost the right to control others, and can't tolerate that others won't help themselves, so they use procrastination to escape the reality of life.

Fight for independence

Procrastinators often use actions to declare: "I am an independent person, I will act according to my own choice, and there is no need to do things according to other people's requirements." The procrastinators mentioned in this chapter no longer measure their value by the success or failure of things, but by their sense of independence.

Procrastination here is not only for the sense of control, but also for one's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Perhaps it is because of this strong motivation that many procrastinators are so stubbornly unwilling to change. If you procrastinate to achieve a sense of self-control, every little setback will make you feel that you have made some kind of compromise, then in the whirlpool of procrastination, you will struggle with every rule, from trivial matters to task decision-making, and you will feel deep pain. If someone tells this procrastinator what they should do, they will be impatient, and only when they feel they should start a task will they start it.

Connie works as a salesman in a company. She got excellent grades when she was a child. Her parents have complete control over her life. Her parents planned all aspects of her life and made a nearly perfect life plan for her. Later, because she went to college, she was out of the control of her parents. Connie is like a runaway wild horse. She squandered her free time and was finally dismissed from school because she often failed in her grades. It was not until many years later that Connie realized that her behavior might not be truly independent, and that academic burnout and procrastination were a kind of resistance to her parents.

There are still some people who procrastinate on choice and commitment, which seems to be a way for them to protect themselves. Jeremy is a procrastinator whether dating friends or choosing a career in the company. He thinks that others can't find out his true position, for example, they know that girls are interested in him before they ask for a date. Many things, he has been slow to make a choice, afraid that once he decides, others will see through his position.

For many procrastinators, the world is full of uncertainty. They hide their weaknesses by procrastinating, so that others can't know their needs and dependence. However, when encountering authoritative superiors or overbearing companions, procrastinators will exaggerate the strength of others and think that they will control their own lives, which will lead procrastinators to use procrastination strategies to prepare for war.

The root of war

By recalling childhood experiences, you may understand why many procrastinators regard others as controlling opponents. Many procrastinators grow up in a living environment that does not encourage independent exploration. In childhood, they were strictly controlled and their personal habits were seriously disturbed. Constant criticism makes them lose confidence, and too many restrictions suppress their spontaneity and creativity. Gradually, when they grow up and try to be independent, they show an uncontrollable procrastination.

Fear of closeness and alienation

Procrastination can protect a person from the judgment of others, save himself from the struggle with others, and even adjust the relationship with others. Keeping a comfortable social distance from others is very important for a person's psychological safety. However, the psychological comfort zone varies from person to person. Being too close or too far away from others will make people feel uncomfortable. People will try to adjust and pull themselves back to their psychological comfort zone. Procrastination has become a strategy for some people to maintain psychological balance.

(1) Fear of alienation: I will never walk alone.

Most people like to have intimate relationships, like to be accompanied, and like to be supported and affirmed. This is an inherent need from anxiety. Many people think that they can't live alone in this society because of their lack of security and self-integrity. If a person thinks he is not independent, how will they use procrastination strategy?

(2) Need help

Help here is not just asking others to give some advice, but asking them to provide a framework or concept so that procrastinators can use it as a guide to action. The case of college students writing papers mentioned in the book is a good example. Many students spent several weeks collecting materials for their papers, but they were slow to write papers because they didn't know how to sort out their thoughts from these contradictory views. They are not sure what they think, and even doubt whether they can have their own ideas. Some people feel energetic and thoughtful in the team, but once asked to complete a task alone, they have no clue and can't start.

(3) Strive to be the second

Some people are willing to live in a deputy position and are very happy. They don't want to be leaders, but prefer to be leaders' assistants and establish friendly relations with their surroundings. In addition, when these people leave the first boss who teaches them or the first lover who takes them seriously, they often delay their relationship because of hesitation. Fear of separation and alienation prevents them from taking the action that may be in their best interest.

S.O.S emergency call for help

Some procrastinators like to dig their own holes and then expect someone to jump out and save them. Procrastination is a good strategy, which puts them in a very miserable and desperate situation. When I was a child, I didn't write my summer homework and composition. Smart children can always find schoolmasters to copy their homework or ask their parents to help them finish their homework. In real life, some people always drag their feet, but they never change. This may be because they have been expecting someone to save them from such a dilemma.

(5) relive old love.

No matter what effect procrastination has on people, it can always help procrastinators maintain their original lifestyle and alleviate people's loneliness. At this time, procrastination is a strategy, which can make people relive past lives. Your procrastination always prevents your family from eating early, so your mother has been blaming you. There are many such situations, which will make some people indulge in such warmth.

(6) Loyal partners

Procrastination sometimes makes you feel less lonely and abandoned, because procrastination always leaves some unfinished things in your mind and makes you unable to let go. Although you may be very painful, you don't have to worry about losing these things.

Fear of closeness: Being too close can make people uncomfortable.

People who are afraid of getting close are used to keeping a certain distance from others. They feel that people around them will invade their private sphere, and they don't want to get too close to others. Once someone touches the boundary of their psychological comfort distance, they will be anxious and take immediate action to retreat. Procrastination is one of their escape methods.

13 objective time and subjective time

"Do you know what time it is?"

"The deadline is today?"

"I'm late 15 minutes. Is it necessary to be so angry? "

I think these words are very familiar to procrastinators. For them, they only live in their own time, and their concept of time is not consistent with our objective "clock time". Einstein once suggested that time is an illusion. He thinks that the past, present and future are illusions. Most procrastinators like this concept, which makes them live in a sense of control over time. But no matter what the procrastinator thinks of time, in fact, time has been passing.

The ancient Greeks believed that time had two aspects: clock time and immersion time. Clock time is objective time, measured by clock and calendar. For example, the movie starts at 8 o'clock, and there will be 1 every year. Objective time can be predicted but cannot be changed. In addition, everyone has their own unique feelings about time, that is, subjective time. When we are immersed in our favorite things, we feel that time flies, such as lost holidays and happy dating time. A variant of subjective time is "event time", which refers to locating an individual's sense of time around the occurrence and development of an event, such as after dinner or before a rainstorm.

For procrastinators, their subjective time and objective time are often in serious conflict. They sometimes don't want to realize that there is a huge difference between their time concept and clock time, so they often catch up with the task deadline.

The subjective feeling of time is also an indispensable part of our sense of self-identity. Everyone has a unique concept of time, and different concepts of time will bring crisis to our interpersonal relationship. A couple agreed to go out at 9 o'clock. The wife was ready to go out as early as 8: 45, while the husband dragged his feet. 15 9 o'clock, he is not ready to go out. At this time, a quarrel is inevitable.

In fact, our unique feeling of time is influenced by biological factors, family environment and cultural factors. The "clock gene" of human body controls the biological rhythm of our daily life. For example, some people belong to the morning type, and their work efficiency in the morning is much higher than that in the evening, while others are night owls, groggy during the day and extremely efficient at night. Cultural differences in the concept of time have a great influence on our lives. Americans pay attention to the present and timeliness, while Asians have a broader concept of time, and they will take history and long-term planning for the future into account. Americans don't like being late and think it is impolite, but in some European countries, such as France and Italy, being late is easily accepted by people.

Refusing to accept objective time and trying to deal with problems according to your own sense of time and way will inevitably lead to delays in what needs to be done, because procrastination makes you feel omniscient in mastering time, others and reality. But no matter how hard you struggle, you can't get rid of the objective law of clock time.

14 Evolution of Time Consciousness

Zimbardo, a famous social psychologist, suggested that people perceive time by referring to different coordinates based on the past, present and future. If the sense of time is unbalanced, it will bring troubles to our lives. Some people like to set things in the far future (such as saving money for children's college education or learning languages well in a few years), which will give people an unrealistic feeling, but will make the set goals seem less important; On the contrary, some short-term goals (such as buying a TV set at the weekend or handing in homework on February 5) will make people feel that time is tight. People are often eager to do what they are doing now, rather than what is important for the future, which behavioral economists and social psychologists call future discounts.

(A) the evolution of the sense of time

Our subjective sense of time is constantly developing and changing in our life. Let's look at these stages of development.

(2) Baby time

For a baby, life is the present, their time is completely subjective, and they are eager to meet their needs all the time. For them, time is the time interval from feeling a certain demand to meeting it.

(3) Children's time

During the toddler period, children gradually understand the past, present and future. Although they mainly live in subjective time, they gradually adapt to their parents' time. However, some children will regard time as an enemy who wants to control them. For example, parents will ask their children to do something: "Game time is over, now it's time to rest." Children's procrastination and refusal to cooperate are actually a kind of resistance to their parents.

(4) Children's time

Around the age of 7, children begin to learn how to recognize the digital time on the clock, but there are many conflicts between the external time rules and their self-expectations, such as the class schedule and the deadline homework assigned by the teacher.

(5) Youth

Teenagers are aware of the evidence of the passage of time, but at this time they are infected by physical changes and ideal enthusiasm, full of confidence in the future, and their concept of time has undergone tremendous changes. In the process of teenagers growing into adults, they will encounter all kinds of realistic blows, and some people who refuse to accept reality will take procrastination as a protective strategy to refuse to grow up.

(6) Youth time

In the late adolescence of twenties, people began to realize their sense of reality. We can't have enough time to finish everything, and we will miss some important opportunities. Serious delay at this stage may also affect interpersonal relationships.

(7) Middle age

30 years old is an important watershed. After the age of 30, many people are no longer young people with dreams, and many people can't accept the time limit. We often say that the middle-aged crisis is because some middle-aged people can't accept the limitations of their lives. At this time, procrastination has become a way for some people to escape the limitations of life in reality.

(8) Old age

At this time, people have experienced a lot of birth and death, objective time is no longer so important, procrastinators no longer deny the consequences of procrastination to their lives, and people gradually accept what they have done and what they can never accomplish.

15 Good past

Undeniably, many people's cognition of time still stays in the adolescent stage, thinking that time and the future are infinite. Procrastinators often think that their time is infinite, but this idea may make their lives lose their sense of direction. The consequences of procrastination will always catch us at some stage, such as delaying thinking about our medical insurance and old-age insurance. This problem will not bother us in our twenties, but it will seriously affect us in our fifties.

There are still some people who have been immersed in our past lives. They kept their past knowledge of themselves and could not face the cruelty of the present. For example, the champion of the college entrance examination who is not satisfied with his work now has been immersed in the glory of the past, unable to accept the mediocre life now and falling into depression. Perhaps the past life can bring some psychological comfort to people, but deliberately avoiding the reality of present life will eventually make your life worse.

Is the past all over?

Past, present and future are intertwined and influence each other. We need to realize that everything we experience happens in the present. Your present state will affect your memory of the past and your outlook for the future, and what happened in the past will also affect the decision you make now. Some people's procrastination may be due to their past breaking into the current environment. For example, people are hesitant when making decisions, which is probably influenced by past experience. The growth environment and interpersonal relationship in the past will affect your behavior now and even in the future. Procrastination is like a sign to look back on the past, but no matter what you have experienced in the past, these life events have already happened. What you have to do is to think about the present and the future from the lessons of the past. For individuals, it is necessary to understand and accept subjective and objective time, learn to live in peace with time, and have the ability to naturally transition and transform between the two.

16 summary

Key words:

Sense of control, sense of independence, psychological comfort zone, delaying clock

Key points:

1. Procrastinators no longer measure their value by the success or failure of things, but by their sense of independence.

2. Procrastination can protect a person from other people's judgment, protect himself from the struggle with others, and even adjust the intimate relationship with others. The psychological comfort zone varies from person to person. Being too close or too far away from others will make people feel uncomfortable, and procrastination has become a strategy for some people to maintain psychological balance.

3.Clocktime is an objective time, which is measured by clock and calendar. For example, the movie starts at 8 o'clock, and there will be 1 every year. Objective time is predictable but unchangeable.

Everyone has their own unique feelings about time, that is, subjective time. A variant of subjective time is "event time", which refers to locating an individual's sense of time around the occurrence and development of an event, such as after dinner or before a rainstorm.

People perceive time by referring to different coordinates based on the past, present and future.

6. People are often eager to do what they are doing now, rather than what is important for the future, which is called future discount by behavioral economists and social psychologists.

Thinking and practice:

Now please think about the last question mentioned yesterday.

When your boss or your graduate tutor has been urging you to complete a task, you are unwilling to help them. Sometimes you even think their ideas are bad. Before the deadline comes, you always put off doing that task intentionally or unintentionally.

Have you ever had such an experience? Why don't you want to be the task given by your boss or mentor? What kind of mood do you usually feel when you need to complete the tasks assigned to you by your superiors?

Reference materials:

The strength of the weak When you realize that others are in a more authoritative position than you, you will feel stressed and helpless. In companies, academia, etc. Under the oppression of authoritative leaders, you can see subordinates delaying their superiors. Postpone the submission of reports and the preparation of PPT for the boss's meeting. Sometimes you can finish these things on time when your friends ask you to help. Procrastinators may procrastinate for fear of being judged. They are worried that their work is not done well enough. However, some procrastinators always complain that the tasks given by their bosses are ridiculous: "This is ridiculous." "Why should I do what she wants?" These procrastinators are fighting for power and profit. Procrastination makes your boss look less powerful, and you find some sense of control in it.