Recently, the topic surrounding "Ode to Joy 2" has all focused on the "virgin complex".
Ying Qin wanted to break up with Qiu Yingying because she was not a virgin, and public opinion exploded.
From the perspective of mate selection, I agree with Andy's attitude and believe that Ying Qin has the right to put forward his own standards for mate selection.
There are people who are strict with others and have no bottom line for themselves. They practice a double-standard "chastity concept" - "women should keep themselves as pure as jade, and men can play around everywhere.", "It doesn't matter if you fall in love, get married." You must find a virgin", this kind of rotten person must be despised.
But there is another kind of person who persists and at the same time makes the same demands on himself. He takes "virginity" as one of the conditions for choosing a partner, and he also maintains his virginity. This thing in itself ( Note, it is itself), there is nothing to complain about.
From a values ??perspective, I feel that Ying Qin’s cognition should be criticized.
For example, his famous saying: "If she is not a virgin, this will be the stain on her life. A woman who does not love herself, how can you make me believe that she can love others?"
This sentence Exposing his naivety and arrogance -
First of all, it is ridiculous to use chastity as the standard of self-love, because what makes a person noble is his spiritual integrity, not a layer of membrane. Using a simple and crude standard to define spirit seems to be quantifiable, but in fact it cannot be measured at all.
For example, if a woman is raped, is she self-loving or not?
Do women who are deceived into marriage and cheating have self-love or not?
A woman who retains her hymen but has experienced borderline sexual behavior is considered self-loving or not?
A woman who regards virginity as the most precious dowry and the greatest value of a woman, and uses it in exchange for more benefits from men, is it considered self-love or not self-love?
Secondly, it is even more ridiculous to casually expand a thing that you don’t agree with into a flaw in someone else’s life.
It is understandable that he does not want to compromise his standards for choosing a mate, but he believes that he is the only one who is right and condescendingly judges other people's experiences. This is not only immature, but also very uneducated.
What I want to talk to you about today is not the virginity complex, but Qiu Yingying’s three views.
Because Qiu Yingying's state is a true portrayal of many girls today - they work hard, strive for progress, and dream of a better tomorrow, but at the same time they are often wavering and worried about gains and losses due to external voices.
They want to become independent women and have their own careers, but they are worried about losing the favor of men; Family support.
They have too many wishes, but not because of greed, but because of confusion;
They also have too many fears, but not because of cowardice, but because they don’t understand their bottom line. .
It has been 39 years since the reform and opening up. Traditional values ??are undergoing reshuffling, the old system has fallen, and the new system has not been fully established.
Among them, there are countless Qiu Yingying whose three views are torn apart.
They have one foot in the new society and one foot in the old society. They can easily collapse when encountering conflicts of ideas. The crux of the problem is actually that they have not established their own "three benign views."
What are "three benign views"?
We don’t judge Qiu Yingying by saying “the three views are correct” or “the three views are incorrect”. There is no absolute “correctness” or “incorrectness” in the three views, and to be honest, most people are saying that “the three views are correct”. When using the word ", it actually means "Well, this is in my interest", "Hey, I agree with this point of view".
A mindless and quick-thinking attitude will not foster a complete system of three views, but will only cultivate egoistic fagots.
Healthy three views require a lot of thinking and speculation as a foundation, and have four qualities at the same time:
? Can be self-consistent
? Can grow
?Have boundaries
?Have choices
Self-consistent means that in the three-view system, your attitude towards yourself and others is consistent and sustainable. There can be no double standards, nor can we change our minds 180 degrees from time to time.
Being able to grow means allowing changes and progress in a person's life, and not giving up on oneself or others just because of a mistake or a moment of confusion. We bless every period of growth.
Having boundaries means that after clarifying one's position, one can calmly send people away from those with different positions (or pure SB) without being negatively affected by them.
Having trade-offs means understanding that in life, what we gain and what we give are two sides of the same coin. If we want rights, we must assume obligations, and we cannot just think about taking advantage of everything.
So, how to build a benign three views?
Step one: Have the ability to think independently
Qiu Yingying actually has her own attitude towards life, but the reason why her three views are not established is first of all because she cannot be self-consistent and has no foundation. .
What she lacks most is the ability to think independently, and her thoughts follow others all the time.
For example, in the matter of "virgin complex", after being rejected by Ying Qin, Qiu Yingying immediately felt that it was her fault, and even considered it a big stain on herself that she was not a virgin.
She felt that her life was simply over!
He even used his own experience to persuade Andy that she must marry the first man.
But at the beginning, Manager Bai was a (seemingly) open-minded (chicken thief) person, and her whole state was completely different.
When Manager Bai invited him to live together, she happily ran up and kissed him.
Looking back at the first season, Qiu Yingying was brainwashed by the Chicken Soup Book because she did not have the ability to think independently. She would take whatever was given to her, without thinking or distinguishing whether it was the essence or the dross.
When someone puts forward a point of view, we have to give ourselves a reaction time before absorbing it, "Do I need to absorb his point of view?", or "Do I need to fully accept his point of view?" ”
Think about the following questions before making a judgment:
Is this fact?
Is this the whole truth?
What should I know before making a judgment?
What is the internal logical relationship of the matter? What is cause and what is effect?
You must know that no one can make your own life choices for you, and no one can directly enlighten your life based on his or her three views.
Continuous thinking, constant trial and error, and slow growth and maturity are the only path for everyone.
Step 2: Build a value system of self-esteem and self-love
After gaining the ability to think independently, we must learn to love ourselves enough.
“Love yourself” has now become an inspirational cliché for women, but it is not enough to just go to the SPA a few times, buy a few bags, and dress up beautifully. To truly love yourself, you need to develop strong self-esteem.
In my sister’s opinion, Qiu Yingying does not love herself, but it is not because she is not a virgin, but because she puts herself too low in her relationship.
How can one talk about self-love if all his self-esteem is based on external evaluation?
People with a complete self-esteem system will have their own bottom line, and they will draw boundaries for others. They will not easily deny themselves because of a comment from others, and they will not let others cross the boundaries to hurt themselves. Nor will my emotions be affected by other people's problems.
For example, Andy, although she faces the pressure of family history, she is still very self-loving and has a strong self-esteem system. Therefore, when faced with attacks on the Internet that she is a mistress, she can say "It's not true anyway." "I just want to brush it off, but I don't even bother to deal with it.
As for Bao's mother's excessive interference, Andy not only did not agree with the other party's discriminatory vision, but also bravely pointed out that Bao Yifan's indulgence of his mother would have negative consequences.
Faced with the golden saying "It was not easy for my mother to give birth to me", Andy also responded beautifully.
Faced with Andy's insistence, Xiaobao finally admitted that what he did was wrong.
Qiu Yingying always feels that everything is her fault, and she doesn’t know how to draw boundaries between herself and others, and will break down emotionally if something goes wrong.
After the collapse, I felt very regretful.
How to build a complete self-esteem system?
First of all, you must learn to accept yourself.
Everyone has his own value in living in this world. This value is not reflected by the evaluation of others, but by how you evaluate yourself.
Pay more attention to your own strengths, don’t always think about the bad things, and tell yourself more: "So I am so great!"
Secondly, you must have reasonable expectations for yourself. , what kind of person do you want to be? What kind of person can you become? How much time and what kind of effort does it take to become a better version of yourself?
Learn to find a balance between the "ideal self" and the "real self" so that you can feel satisfaction and happiness when completing your goals, instead of "Why am I still like this, no way?"
Step 3: Learn to adapt to what you gain and lose at the same time.
It is not easy to know how to let go, but in order to become a better version of ourselves, we must learn to say "goodbye" to some things and some people.
For example, there is a guy who likes girls with D-cup cups, but I only have A-cup girls, or the guy likes girls with long legs, but I am short. Calling the other person a "scumbag", or self-denial, thinking that your body is not perfect and that you are bad. Both attitudes are overkill.
The really smart thing to do is to give up on him calmly and find a man who truly appreciates you.
This example is the same for Qiu Yingying and Ying Qin.
Instead of crying and attacking yourself, or trying to change the other person, it is better to say goodbye in a cool way and find a happiness that is more suitable for you.
The so-called trade-offs are not only between treating people with inconsistent values, but also between future goals and efforts.
"Everyone has a gain and a loss" is an old saying that everyone will say, but when it really comes down to themselves, not everyone can wake up in time.
For example, Fan Shengmei clearly planned to fight together when she and Wang Baichuan officially dated.
But under the pressure of family, he gradually tended to put aside his feelings and put money first.
Her utilitarianism unknowingly gained the upper hand, and everyone saw it. This was far from the original goal of "struggle together".
The same is true for the time allocation required of Wang Baichuan. I hope that the other person's career will make a rapid leap, but I also want the other person to be by my side at all times.
This is what the legendary death penalty is...
If you want a reliable future, you need to constantly recall your original intentions, correct deviations, and make yourself clear about gains and losses.
Let the people and interests that should be let go go with the wind.
Step 4: Persistence, Persistence, Persistence
Some people will say: It’s really hard to stand and talk without back pain. Do you know how difficult it is to give up? Do you know how hard it is to not care what others say?
Yes, it is difficult.
But nothing is easy. (Except for gaining weight)
If you want to become a better version of yourself, you don’t just need to read a few successful books like Qiu Yingying and shout out “I want to succeed”.
What we need is to be more determined when we are confused and more persistent when others doubt us.
In fact, we can see in Qiu Yingying her persistence in certain things.
For example, her father did not allow her to sell coffee, thinking that being a white-collar worker in Shanghai would give her face and her career would be a loss to her own people. She could firmly say: "I'm not afraid of their comments. I rely on it." She makes money through her own efforts."
She is passionate, honest, kind, and determined to be financially independent.
Refuse to gnaw at old age, have a sense of crisis, and strive to pursue self-reliance.
She has been making progress, slowly learning to reflect on herself.
Little by little down-to-earth efforts.
She will encounter setbacks one after another and overcome them.
I will also be delighted with every new attempt.
Although the road ahead is difficult, the spirit of "Qiu Yingying" is beautiful, true and touching. Hardship is the price of growth, as Banana Yoshimoto wrote in "Kitchen", "I will continue to grow, experience wind and frost, experience setbacks, sink into the abyss again and again, suffer from pain again and again, and stand up again and again. , I will not give up or give up.”
When we reap the fruits of growth, we will have unbreakable and true happiness.
Qiu Yingying and all the girls who are growing up, as long as you continue to persevere, learn to think, learn to accept yourself, learn to introspect and make progress, one day, you will know: the only one who can define you is yourself. .