However, if we don't discuss this topic in depth, we may never be the master of emotions, and we may be led by it all our lives.
Seemingly simple.
Many people seem to be masters of anger control. They are usually polite and emotionally stable, and can respond politely even if they have different opinions. They never seem to lose their temper suddenly. They locked their anger in a safe place.
However, are people really as good at managing anger as they show?
In fact, when it comes to losing control of emotions, you won't be surprised. In yourself, in the family from small to large, emotional out of control may happen from time to time. Some people never get angry at home. I think he must have deliberately vented his anger elsewhere. In short, anger needs an outlet.
Let's look at Mr. W's story.
After graduating from a famous university in Shanghai, Mr. W found a decent job in a central enterprise. Due to outstanding performance and thoughtful consideration, it has been appreciated by many leaders and recognized by colleagues. Now 40 years old, middle-level leader, equivalent to the level. He never puts on airs in front of his subordinates. Over the years, his reputation has been very good, and no subordinate has ever said a bad word about him.
Not only at work but also at home, he is a good son who obeys his parents. Over the years, he has walked steadily and impartially along the life principles designed for him by his parents. He is also a considerate husband, always obedient to his wife who has a little princess temper. He is also considerate to his friends, and everyone likes to make friends with him.
He is simply the embodiment of perfection. I can hardly imagine anyone not liking him. It is even more difficult for me to imagine that he will have a fierce conflict with others. However, what puzzles me most is, where did all his anger go? Nothing will make him angry. Has he become a Buddha? Don't say that. I don't believe it. No one will believe it.
Later, I heard that he was not a perfect man who never lost his temper. He often has violent clashes with security guards. The cause of the conflict is often that the security guard asks him where he can park and where he can't park, and he is unwilling to accept the arrangement of the security guard. At first, it was only a slight quarrel, but his emotions often jumped up suddenly and got out of control, often to the point of hitting people, and he had to be stopped by his peers in time.
To this end, he once went to the police station and almost lost his job. His family and colleagues find his behavior difficult to understand.
From this point of view, no matter how cultivated people are, there will be anger. No matter how well he controls it, anger will suddenly erupt at an unexpected time. This is the power of anger. You always want to control it, but sometimes it controls you in turn.
Many people have had similar experiences. If we don't get rid of those negative emotions at ordinary times, negative energy will gradually accumulate in our bodies and then be triggered by an unrelated event. For example, the fuse was detonated. That's why, when you think you're right, your relatives suddenly shout. You feel confused. What's wrong with this man? Why is such a small thing so angry?
How to deal with personal anger may be related to our growing experience.
How did Mr. W grow up? His parents are as polite to the people around him as he is, unlike people who are often angry. His father was also a successful man at that time, and he was also very authoritative in educating children, and almost did not allow children to refute. Mr. W has great respect for his father. No matter how dissatisfied he is with his father's decision, he tries to accept it and never contradicts his father directly.
The father always thinks that his son's point of view is immature, so he continues to interfere with his choice after his son becomes an adult. In the face of his son's slight dissatisfaction, his father will always use his father's privilege to criticize him mercilessly.
In this way, Mr. W learned to be a good boy, an obedient and obedient boy from an early age. He also tried to resist. But he soon discovered that the father was nervous and angry about losing his son's control. His father will feel that his authority has been challenged and violated, and he will yell out and teach everyone in the family a lesson. For the sake of family peace, he hid his true feelings and never dared to show his anger again.
Just like him, children will learn that expression is meaningless if their parents always suppress their attempts to express themselves. Expression will offend parents, attract criticism, punishment and degradation, and will also lose parents' love. In fear and helplessness, children learn to be silent.
In an inviolable family, there seems to be an unwritten rule: you can't express your feelings, let alone your dissatisfaction. Obedience is the best choice.
So many times, we are cautious and polite, no longer speak for ourselves, and avoid being seen by others. But in our bodies, an angry lion has been fed, and it will suddenly rush out when we are unprepared, scaring people around us and making us feel scared.
When we encounter a similar situation again, the angry lion will jump up and move.
For some people, when he feels that he is ordered and cannot refute, his angry lion will run out.
For some people, when he feels that someone is making unfriendly comments about him, he feels that his dignity has been insulted and his angry lion will come out.
For some people, when he feels that someone is accusing him of not doing something well, his angry lion will run out.
At that moment, we just felt scared, humiliated and angry again. We were just inspired by some past feelings and experiences, so we let out an angry and twisted cry from our throats. Innocent people have become targets.
We have a tendency to go back and deal with the long-suppressed negative emotions.
Everyone has an angry lion. The angry lion wants to get some air every chance he gets. The lion roared and couldn't even control it. The roaring lion didn't really want to attack. It just doesn't want to get hurt again. It just wants its voice to be heard.
If we want to tame the angry beast inside us and not express it out of control, we should listen to the lion and teach him how to lose his temper.
Come on, let's listen to the lion's heart first.
Behind the anger are the unspoken words "listen to me", "you can't say that about me", "this is not what I want" and "I am angry" ... they have been expecting to be told and heard.
When we were children, we often couldn't speak for ourselves. But when we grow up, we are no longer helpless children. We are capable of becoming adults.
When we look back on the past and see ourselves, we are a person who is no longer the same as the past, a person who has grown up.
We should get rid of the roles of children and victims. We can take responsibility for ourselves and speak for ourselves.
We can face our parents face to face. If it really doesn't work, we can also face our imaginary parents face to face and bravely say those feelings that we have never said.
Even if we can't get the understanding and response from our parents, we can be our own good parents and gently respond to the unanswered child in our hearts, so that those words and feelings that have been suppressed for a long time now have a new home.
Next, let's teach the lion how to lose his temper.
It takes practice to lose your temper. How can I lose my temper to release my anger without hurting the innocent?
To prevent anger from getting out of control, what can we say and do before it gets out of control?
When we feel that we are about to lose our temper, we say to ourselves and the people around us, "I am very angry now!" " Really, really angry! "
If someone says or does something that makes us angry and is about to happen, please tell the other person: "I don't want to hurt you, please don't talk yet." Please stop. If you don't stop, I may explode! "
If the other party doesn't stop, then we will try to leave the scene by ourselves. Leave the scene for a while and then do something drastic and say what the water under the bridge said. If you don't want to worry the other person, you can tell them, "I'm going to leave for a while now." Otherwise, I am afraid that I can't control myself, say something bad, or do something bad. "
It's best to shout in an empty place, because shouting there won't hinder anyone. If you can't find an open space, go to the bathroom at home, or a separate room and shout in front of the mirror. Maybe if we shout, we will cry again. Cry if you want. Both men and women cry. This is not a crime.
Only when we often give ourselves and others opportunities to lose our temper in our daily life will we not lose our temper when we shouldn't.
I hope Mr. W can also find a reasonable expression channel for the angry lion in himself.
He can be a good husband, a good leader, a good subordinate and a good son, but occasionally he is not so good. He can have himself. He occasionally criticizes his children too much, occasionally quarrels with his wife excitedly, and occasionally disagrees with his father's suggestion. Because he is an adult, he no longer needs unconditional obedience and excessive repression. When he speaks for himself, he is a real and energetic person.
We really need more permits. Allow yourself not to meet the expectations of others, allow yourself not to be what others think is ideal, and allow yourself to be a different person.
Allow yourself and your relatives to lose their temper occasionally, complain occasionally, and get out of control occasionally. If you are always controlling yourself or others, then excessive control will bring more out of control.
I believe that anger is out of control for no reason. They must have a way, and they also need a reasonable place to go. What we have to do is to try to find the source of our anger and find a suitable place to vent it.
(the seventh day without a drop-out date)