First, understand each other's real psychological needs.
0 1, give up "fried cold rice, turn over old scores"
It is inevitable for two people to quarrel and rub, because we come from two different families and grew up in different environments, which leads to different perspectives and different views on things. In fact, many times, when two people love each other and kill each other, we have a chance to really see ourselves. What is the other person like?
Those hidden in ordinary interpersonal relationships will not be exposed or even understood, and will gradually surface in lasting intimate relationships. In real life, you will find that some people have a better relationship with each other, while others are quarrelling and breaking up. Why?
The former learned the real psychological needs of the other party from the quarrel, while the latter was completely out of anger, constantly turning over old scores and speculating on cold rice, ignoring the other party's demands at all, and the result was a falling apart. It's not terrible for couples to quarrel. If you are afraid, you will always take out old scores and bad things in the past and say them over and over again.
Second, tolerance is a more useful means.
Those sad fragments are constantly activated, which further stimulates inner anger and grievances. Accuse the other party who has a worse temper, who doesn't understand people, who doesn't care about home, who doesn't take charge, and who is self-righteous. .....
Old scores are constantly turned over, and even the once loving and sweet life is used as a weapon to attack each other. After several rounds, both of them felt exhausted and fell into deep pain again.
A hysterical quarrel will make the last warmth disappear and only make the other person feel that being with this person is a disaster. There is a famous saying: "If a person turns over old scores as soon as he is in a mood, his life will be dark, because those who turn over old scores can't see the beauty of life at all."
Turning over old scores and slandering each other will only add salt to the wound and make two people have more resentment. You know, in many cases, tolerance is a more useful weapon than punishment, and it hurts people more easily.
Third, accept their differences.
02, give up "change each other, let each other become what you want.
In real life, many people have a naive idea that they want to turn each other into what they like. In fact, everyone has their own personality characteristics, living habits and ways of thinking. They always impose their ideas on the other half, and the final result often ends in discord.
Sadan once said: The secret of getting along with the person you love for a long time is to give up changing the other person's mind. Marriage is like a bridge. To be strong and lasting, you need acceptance and respect. Therefore, marriage should respect each other's differences and accept each other's differences, never!
Don't fantasize about transforming two people into one. Marriage is not about turning two people into one. If you love someone, you must accept him as he is. You always find each other's "problems". In the end, you will find yourself wrong and lose each other.
Fourth, give up the psychology of transformation.
The reality is that the more you want to change each other, the more you feel powerless. The greater the hope, the greater the disappointment.
There is a wonderful passage in Fu Lei's letter to two children: "Don't be too harsh on your lifelong partner, just like everything in life. Where are the people who have only advantages and no disadvantages? Is there a perfect person or thing in the world? Ask yourself, how perfect are you? Just give each other a space, don't ask everything, and don't try to change each other. "
A good marriage is to respect each other's unique lifestyle, seek common ground while reserving differences, and fulfill each other. This is the real hard core of husband and wife getting along.
In marriage, we should cultivate a kind of ability, that is, "being insensitive" means being less concerned, less sensitive and less informal, maintaining a rare confused and optimistic attitude, giving up speculation, turning over old scores, giving up changing each other's psychology, and often letting others go is actually letting yourself go. The ability to tolerate each other also gives couples enough confidence to cope with the wind, frost, rain and snow in the rivers and lakes.
Fifth, don't lose the ability to grow.
03. Give up and expect too much from the other half.
The future is unknown, so learn to plan ahead. Don't give your hope to each other when you get married, let them take responsibility for your life. At any time, you must have the ability to support yourself alone, and you can't pin your hopes on men. People will change.
In a good marriage, you have to cultivate yourself before you can control your marriage. Even if it is not ideal, it will not get out of control, and it is necessary to take precautions in advance. Nowadays, many tragedies are that there is no self in marriage and you can't see your own value. I blindly pay for my family, and when I pay, I am full of desire.
When their efforts are not rewarded, they are filled with resentment and often end up as victims of marriage; When a person places all his hopes on a man and an uncertain marriage, he completely loses the ability of self-growth, which is right and wrong.
Sixth, don't care everywhere.
04. Give up "caring everywhere and taking a step back."
We often hear that really smart people are actually as smart as fools. Life is hard to be confused. If a person is smart and sober everywhere in life, it is definitely not a good thing. People who are too sober tend to be serious, and they will be very tired if they care about a little thing.
In a marriage, everyone is full of disputes and struggles, and no one will let anyone hurt anyone. In the end, there was no happiness at home. Sometimes it may be better to get along with husband and wife a little confused, so caring everywhere will only make others tired and make themselves more tired.
Actually, many things don't need to be so clear. Two people have to live together for a lifetime, always haggling over every ounce, which is not helpful to life. It will only make two people desperate and can't get around it.
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Yi Shu said in "The Rose Bubble": "Be a little reserved, muddle along and don't haggle over every ounce. There are no fish in the water, no disciples among the people, and no one will follow him all his life. Just remember some things. "
Smart people often pretend to be confused, turn a blind eye, roll with the punches, roll with the punches, and be kind, so that families can be harmonious and happy.
Those who seem confused and indifferent actually hide infinite gentleness and tolerance. In the dull time, caring and caring, seemingly ordinary, exudes warmth and charm, resisting the erosion of fleeting time.
Psychologist Karen Horney famously said, "Marriage is the sublimation of love, and the most precious thing is that both husband and wife can improve each other in constant running-in".
Marriage needs to be managed, and it requires two people to find each other's core needs and meet them in a way that the other person likes to accept, so that the more flat the two people are, the better. Marriage is a kind of practice, but also a mirror, seeing each other and seeing yourself!