1. I don’t know much about music, so I am sometimes unreliable and out of tune.

2. If the teacher hadn’t told us not to litter, I would have thrown you out.

3. Please, Yue Lao, please don’t use inferior threads to hold me in the future. The threads will break every now and then.

4. When I have money in the future, I will send the people I hate to the best mental hospital.

5. We are the gourd boys in the countryside, and you are the Ultraman in the city.

6. Granny Meng, when you give me soup, be sure to put sugar in it. I will thank you in the next life.

7. When anyone marries me, I will immediately put sugar in it. Divorce offices are closed.

8. I mean, why are we not always familiar with each other? It turns out that you really like to see people outside.

9. From elementary school to university, the only thing that remains unchanged is a heart that doesn’t want to study.

10. You should learn from Tencent and call me dear every time you go online.

11. Exam: The difference between open book and closed book is that one is copying at the top and the other is copying at the bottom.

12. If you believe it, you just believe it. If you don’t believe it, you don’t believe it. You still have WeChat.

13. What is a bad person? A man who takes off his pants during the day and a woman who does not take off her makeup at night.

14. You are not afraid of drinking dichlorvos, but you are afraid of surprises when you open the lid. Enjoy one more bottle with whom should you share it.

15. As a beast, only a worse beast in this world can defeat me.

16. Why does God always take a nap when I am unlucky?

17. Sometimes, in my dreams, I want to “eat until I’m full”.

18. Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

19. I will still look for you in the next life, because besides me, you are the stupidest person.

20. When arguing, the difference between men and women is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

21. Grandfathers are all descendants...

22. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease a man. Men often use a QQ account to fill it with all kinds of things. All kinds of women...

23. Don’t be afraid of enemies who are like tigers, but be afraid of teammates who are like pigs!

24. When charging, the bank said: "This is in line with international practice." When providing service, it said: "China's national conditions must be considered."

25. Don't come to me if you have nothing to do, and don't come to me if you have something. Find me.

26. The reason why angels can fly is because they take themselves very lightly...

27. Hugging is really a strange thing. You are so close but you can’t see it. each other's faces.

28. Housing prices are getting higher and higher, so there are fewer and fewer good men...

29. How to give MM an unforgettable birthday? First beat her up, and then give her the housing certificate for the most expensive real estate in Guangzhou. It is guaranteed to be both unforgettable and surprising!

30. After my wife saw some photos of my girlfriends in college, she kept praising me for not being lewd...

31. I spent 10,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou clay pot. Yesterday, I went to the "Treasure Appraisal" column for appraisal. The expert said seriously: "How can this be from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week!"

32. I can't stand such merchants - on the brand Wrote: Demolish, sell if you pay! I offered her a down jacket for RMB 10,000 but she wouldn’t sell it. It’s so deceptive to consumers!

33. Being handsome is useless! In the end, he wasn’t eaten by pawns!

34. No one knows what just happened. I am used to covering everything up with a smile.

35. In the days when there were no women, I enjoyed teasing men...

36. A woman is like a book on a bookshelf. Although you buy her, before you buy it, She has been fucked by several men more or less...

37. Nowadays, it seems that movies that can be understood by IQ are the most popular, and % of those who like these movies also like to watch Korean dramas!

38. Today is Pi Day, so we have to eat pie~

39. Korean scholars believe that Sun Wukong is actually a Korean god because he uses a stick!

40. How can you lose weight if you don’t eat enough?

41. The ball was scored by the goalkeeper.

42. Praising a female classmate in person: You are really a hibiscus! !

43. How did you die? Not even dead poor.

44. There is a one-yuan coin in the flower bed, but the sign beside the flower bed reads "Step into the flower bed, you will be fined three yuan!", which is really embarrassing.

45. If you have to pay taxes when you look in the mirror, I am afraid some women will go bankrupt.

46. A man wants to divorce his wife after he makes money, but his wife wants to divorce him when he cannot make money.

47. When a man has an affair, he becomes busier and busier at work, while when a woman has an affair, the food she cooks becomes saltier.

48. When a woman says "hate" to you, it means she likes you. When a man says "hate" to you, he really hates you.

49. Traditional men are pure before marriage and start messing around after marriage; modern men are messy before marriage and become honest after marriage.

50. No matter how bad the relationship between a man and his wife is, his relationship with his mother-in-law is still good; no matter how good the relationship between a woman and her husband is, her relationship with her mother-in-law is also bad.

51. Women are anxious when men do not make money, and women regret when men make money.

52. I can’t find my tie again. Did you not find the rag yesterday?

53. Those women who participate in beauty pageants cannot find good men, because all good men are married, such as me.

54. When I think about the unification of the motherland, I can’t help but want to smoke...

55. If I become the emperor, I will make you the prince!

56. Roses are so cheap that you can give them to your wife.

57. As long as you can dance well with a hoe, is there any corner that cannot be dug down?

58. Who hasn’t met two scumbags when they were young?

59. The robber said a wise saying when robbing the bank: Don't move at all! Money belongs to the country, but life belongs to you!

60. Do you feel like you are jumping around when you are logging in on QQ?

61. Being handsome is useless, but in the end, he will not be eaten by the pawns.

62. In ancient times, there was Ximen Qing, and today there is Edison Chen; when Xiaoxi saw Xiaoxi, he showed off his camera.

63. Be like Edison Chen and bring a camera when booking a hotel.

64. People in the upper class always like to do some obscene things.

65. Don’t seek to be a good match, just seek to feel qualified.

66. Don’t worry, I’m not a good person.

67. Come on, drag me out and eat some bread. No water allowed.

68. You told me today: You are fat and ugly. I said: What are you afraid of when I am here?

69. I would rather you hold other women and miss me than you hold me and miss other women.

70. There are so many people on QQ, what kind of penguin have you not seen?

71. I am not afraid that beautiful women will treat me as a pervert, but I am afraid that ugly women will treat me as a gangster.

72. If a person is not ruthless, he cannot stand firm! No harm to people, no standards! If people are not bad, they will die quickly.

73. You'd better let me kneel on the washboard. I can't stand the electric heater.

74. Oh my God! My clothes are slimming again.

75. Are the leaves leaving because of the pursuit of the wind or the unwillingness of the tree to retain them?

76. Nonsense is the first sentence in interpersonal relationships.

77. Either live well or die quickly.

78. Men get PhDs because of low IQ, and women get PhDs because of low emotional intelligence.

79. The person burning incense may not necessarily be a monk, but it may also be a panda!

80. Whoever says I am white, thin, and beautiful~ I will be good friends with him

81. People are not smart, but they still imitate others’ baldness! !

82. If I can’t get rid of your shit with one kick, you’ll be fine!

83. The most embarrassing thing was discussing salary with a few classmates. I thought they were talking about annual salary, but later I found out that they were talking about monthly salary...

84. Money can solve the problem Problems are not problems.

85. After studying for more than ten years, kindergarten is still easier to get along with!

86. You even believe the advertisements. You are stupid by reading!

87. I am always wandering between Cow A and Cow C.

88. I originally wanted to look towards the bright moon, but the bright moon shines on the ditch.

89. I am the most normal among perverts, and the most perverted among normal people.

90. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage, or money!

91. I usually don’t dump ugly girls, but you are an exception.

92. No matter how perfect the figure is, in the eyes of people who don’t love her, it is also a source of ridicule.

93. A small tree cannot become a useful person if it is not cultivated, and a child cannot become a useful person if it is not cultivated.

93. If it accumulates for a long time, it may lead to an explosion; if it explodes for a long time, it may lead to a collapse.

94. There are two ways of cheating: one is a cheat sheet copied on paper, which may be discovered, and the result is to drop out of school; the other is a cheat sheet copied in the head, which is impossible to be discovered. The result was a scholarship.

95. When I was young, my parents always believed that when a girl turns 18, an ugly duckling will turn into a white swan! One day when I grew up, my father looked at me very attentively, and then said sincerely: "My child, you should study hard!"

96. When I was in high school, my head teacher often told me: "Beautiful girls There are as many as crucian carp crossing the river, now you just need to weave a good net! "After I get into Tsinghua University, I want to use a monkey rubber band to play on his glass!"

97. After graduation, I had money and nothing to do, so I went to Massachusetts to dig for oil. Later, I actually found it, and the oil was of very good quality, and it didn’t even need to be purified! Two years later Mobil sued us, saying we dug up its oil pipeline.

98. After graduation, I will take a big job, and I will earn 300,000 yuan after the completion. I will take a look at the drawings and build a one-meter chimney. It's all built, if someone comes to take a look, they'll beat me up! Damn, the drawings are confusing. They asked me to dig a well.

99. In four years of college, no girl has ever asked me for directions. Today, I drove my BMW back to my alma mater for the first time to run some errands, and within a short time, five girls came to ask for directions!

100. Women will give up their careers for feelings, while men will give up their feelings for their careers; women will be moved by men who give up their careers for their feelings, but they will stay with men who give up their feelings for their careers!

100 hilarious quotes

1. I am an actor, and my eyes will round when I see a pretty girl

2. I am not a casual person, but I am casual He is no longer a human being.

3. I am in the world, but there are no legends about me in the world

4. Study hard and want to go to school every day!

5. I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I actually ran around naked for 20 years!

6. I would rather believe that there are ghosts in the world than believe in a man’s bad mouth!

7. If the water is extremely clear, there will be no fish; if the people are extremely humble, they will be invincible.

8. The one riding the white horse may not be a prince, he may be Tang Monk; the one with wings may not be an angel, my mother said, it is a birdman.

9. Time is the same as cleavage, there is still time to squeeze it.

10. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless there is one male and one female.

11. Don’t be careless about an animal that bleeds for a week and still survives.

12. I, a college student, have goals in life: a peasant woman, a mountain spring, and some farmland.

13. Women should remember: they must eat well, sleep well and drink well. Once we are exhausted, other women will spend our money, stay in our room, sleep with our husband, have sex with our boyfriend, and even beat our children.

14. In spring, I buried myself in the land at the entrance of the village, and in autumn I harvested many handsome guys. Then I changed the name of the village to Handsome Guy Village, and I got my wish and became the village chief.

15. One day, I dreamed that I had spent all my money. When I woke up, my pocket was really empty

16. I have achieved great success in losing weight. Look, all three of my chins are pointed!

17. The trouble with chocolate is: when you eat it, it’s gone.

18. Don’t wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.

19. If my friends can sell them for five yuan each, I can make a small fortune.

20. Although the famous flower has its owner, I will loosen the soil!

21. The biggest advantage of going on a blind date is that if there are problems in your marriage in the future, you can shift the responsibility to the matchmaker.

22. If a woman shows herself to be generous first, then a man will not dare to be stingy.

23. People are born on the bed and die on the bed. If they want to live or die, they are also on the bed.

24. Wizard, please tell the princess that I am still on the road of overcoming thorns and thorns. There are still snowy mountains that have not been climbed, the river has not been crossed, the dragon has not been killed, and the beautiful woman has not been soaked. Let her continue to sleep!

25. My crush is a stunning beauty, and one day she will come to me riding a fire-breathing dinosaur. However, at the end of the story, I only saw her mount, but not its owner.

26. A tree without bark will surely die; a man without shame will be invincible in the world.

27. Do nothing but do nothing, do nothing but do nothing.

28. The true meaning of an iron rice bowl is not to have food to eat in one place, but to have food to eat wherever you go throughout your life.

29. The saucy will return to saucy, and the saucy will have the chastity of the saucy; the lowly will return to the lowly, and the lowly will have the dignity of being lowly.

30. If eating more fish can make people smarter, then I must have eaten at least a pair of whales

31. Success in life does not lie in getting a good deck of cards. It’s about how to play bad cards well.

32. It is difficult for a rich man to be a man without money!

33. When you were born, you cried and everyone smiled; when you left, you smiled and everyone cried.

34. Stand higher and pee further.

35. Wear other people’s shoes, go your own way, and let them find it.

36. In a few decades, we will meet, be sent to the crematorium, and burn to ashes. You will be in a pile, I will be in a pile, no one knows anyone, and we will all be sent to the countryside to be used as fertilizer. .

37. Ever since I turned into shit, no one has stepped on me anymore.

38. You can’t have both fish and bras.

39. Experts look at doorways, laymen look at sidewalks.

40. Don’t step on the wild flowers on the roadside!

41. I met a girl with her own signature: She doesn’t know how to play chess, calligraphy and painting, but she is tired of doing laundry and cooking.

42. Encountered a GG personalized signature: Give me a girl and I can create a nation.

43. I met an old Shaanxi person with a signature: Ugly girls tend to cause mischief, black buns tend to have vegetables.

44. Personalized signature of our teacher when you meet him: Let me tell you that the teacher is very angry now, and the consequences will be very serious (after his Nth blind date failed).

45. Encountering a writer’s signature: It may seem like it, but it may not necessarily be the case.

46. The signature of a love saint: What you have said does not count, the person you like changes every day.

47. The signature of the sleeping king in the class: three full meals in the morning, noon and evening, and six empty stomachs before and after meals.

48. Offline on time at 12 midnight! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.

49. Hello, is this China Mobile? My name is China Unicom and my PHS is broken. Can you send China Railway Telecom to fix it?

50. I am an academician of the Advanced Diving Academy of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, a Nobel Prize for long-term disconnection, and an Oscar for lifetime invisibility.

51. I would like to be a winged bird in heaven, and a pig in the same pen on earth!

52. Don’t worry, I’ve lost my appetite when I see you, so why talk about sexual desire!

53. Although I am sleeping naked, I can plug and play

54. Would you like a piece of the five-horse carcass?

55. God said: Let there be light. I said: Not approved! So we have night.

56. I pinned KONKA’s TV remote control to my waistband and pretended to have bought a new NOKIA mobile phone.

57. I think I would like the morning if it came later.

58. I can’t give you happiness, but I can give you comfort!

59. Life is so damn fun, because life keeps playing tricks on me.

60. Buddha said: It takes 500 looks back in the past life to get one pass in this life. I would rather have a pass in the next life in exchange for 500 looks back in this life.

61. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I used them to roll my eyes.

62. I am an actor, and my eyes widen when I see a beautiful girl

63. The reason why angels can fly is because they take themselves very lightly

64. I want to fall in love early, but it’s too late

65. Oh my God! My clothes are slimming again.

66. I only believe in two people in this world, one is me and the other is not you.

67. Don’t speak English in front of me in the future, okay?

68. As far as your thoughts go, get away from me!

69. The hooligans are not scary, but the hooligans are educated.

70. Guests, please respect yourself. This little girl only sells herself but not her art.

71. You can’t satisfy everyone, because not everyone is human!

72. A man’s lies can deceive a woman for a night, and a woman’s lies can deceive a man for a lifetime!

73. If you cannot put your woman into a wedding dress, then never stop unbuttoning her clothes!

74. Go the NB way and let SB have the say!

75. Water can carry a boat and cook porridge!

76. The Master said on the river: How nice it would be to have a boat!

77. Driving is easy, as long as there are new people!

78. We are looking for little girls, and *** will come with us to fill the water; I will fill the head of the Yangtze River, and you will fill the tail of the Yangtze River.

79. Love at first sight will fade away again and again, and will be exhausted after three.

80. A person is not alone, only when he wants to be alone is he lonely.

81. What should I do to kill your lover?

82. If I could see my back, I think it must be very sad, because I left all my happiness behind Front!

83. Work QQ, no small talk, if you want to force a chat, it will cost 50 cents per word; punctuation marks, half price charge, 20% off for more than 1,000 words; emoticons, 10 yuan monthly subscription, voice and video, not available yet Activation; make payment first and then chat, chat as soon as payment is received, pay online, provide invoices; no monthly rent payment, individual charges, weekends and holidays, business as usual; agents wanted

84. If there is a problem, ask first Find the cause within yourself, don’t blame the earth’s lack of gravity when you have constipation.

85. The only difference between me and Superman is: I wear underwear inside.

86. The family is poor and ugly, only 1.49 meters tall; primary school education, rural registered permanent residence; three dilapidated houses, one acre of thin farmland; surfing the Internet today, looking for girlfriends; hand in hand on the road to revolution.

87. Knit me a scarf and I am willing to repay you with my lifelong care. Otherwise, just strangle me with your scarf!

88. Men pretend to understand when they don’t understand, but women do the opposite.

89. In order to cooperate with the successful completion of China’s family planning work this year, I have decided not to have contact with friends of the opposite sex for the time being. Thank you for your cooperation.

90. When birds are big, they can be found in any forest.

91. The garden is filled with spring scenery and I can’t contain it, so I pull Hongxing out of the wall.

92. Do you think I will watch you die? I'll close my eyes.

93. I thought I was decadent, but today I found out that I was already scrapped.

94. My wife is my wife and my wife is my wife.

95. I regard money as dirt, and my father regards me as a cesspit.

96. I drank to drown the pain, but this damn pain learned to swim.

97. I am your kite, the string is in your hand, but the only thing that accompanies me is the wind.

98. Others are pretending to be serious, so I can only pretend to be unserious.

99. Follow other people's paths and leave others with nowhere to go.

100. It is better to spend money than to spend money in front of the sun. Shocking alternative funny sayings

Are you familiar with this? Play a video if you have nothing to do. You can treat it as your TV. Just click on it and someone will appear.

For work, if you take a step back, the sky will be brighter; for love, if you take a step back, the sky will be empty.

The difficulty in marriage is that we fall in love with each other's strengths, but live with her shortcomings.

Tonight, let us keep warm with the cold war!

If you have a shoe-pad face, don’t blame others for stepping on it.

Mom said it’s best not to miss two things in life: the last bus home and someone who loves you deeply.

If a man doesn’t have the ability, don’t say that a woman is too realistic. If a woman doesn’t have the ability, don’t say that a man is too carefree.

If you can do it, try not to make any noise.

Have you been thrown up three times since you were born, but only caught twice?

Being handsome is useless! In the end, you won’t be eaten by pawns!

Who can be as loyal to my partner as I am to my renminbi?

Who can be as loyal as I am to my comeback?

Be gentle with people and things. Don't lose your temper randomly, no one owes you anything.

The person I love has his own destiny. The people who love me are miserable.

If you like it, have it and don’t be afraid of the consequences.

It’s very painful now. When you look back after a while, you will realize that it was actually nothing.

Choosing a good man requires methods. Before you figure out the trick, you just need to learn to say no!

Some people can be easily erased by time. Like dust.

Rather than saying that others make you suffer, it is better to say that your own cultivation is not enough.

There was an abyss lurking in her heart, and even if she dropped a boulder, she would not be able to make a sound.

The biggest difference between doing and not doing is: the latter has the right to comment on the former!

We had a small disagreement: she wanted me to turn dirt into gold, and I wanted her to treat it as gold. Gold is like dung.

I am small-minded, but I am not lacking. I am good-tempered, but not without it!

Some people look much better than real people when they put on a facial mask.

Cherish life--If God still lets you live, he must have His arrangements.

The two great tragedies in life: one is despair, the other is complacency. Super outrageous funny quotes

1. When you say bad things about me, can you please stop adding extravagant words and thinking that you are just trying to stir things up?

2. When someone pushes you down, no matter how hard or tired you are, you must stand up and slap her back hard.

3. I fell in love with you because my brain was filled with water, but now my brain is dry.

4. Damn, I’ve been waiting for your news for a long time, but all I got was a haha, you thought I was telling a joke.

5. There are many bastards in the shallow water. They are full of big brothers who are not social people and always make society miserable.

6. Is there anyone who has a crush on me? If you have a crush on me, don’t be shy. Love should be spoken out loud.

7. In the past, my love was like a dwarf, hung to death by a bush.

8. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to shut up.

9. You are calm because you are not afraid of death. I am calmer than you because I am not afraid of your death.

10. Take out your complaints and bask in the sun every day, and your mood will not be lacking in calcium.

11. Carve loneliness on a wine bottle, drink it into your bladder, pee it out, and let loneliness spread all over the floor!

12. I have a high IQ, and even my EQ is low. Zero, let’s not let anyone live anymore.

13. The wind is good, messing up my hair and blowing off your wig.

14. You are like a fairy descending from the Nine Heavens to earth, but unfortunately you land on your face first.

15. I am stupid, but I am happy. Me two, I am healthy

16. The right path in the world is the vicissitudes of life, don’t live too arrogantly.

17. You were originally in my heart, but then you slowly ran into my stomach. Then I digested you, and you ran into my large intestine. Finally, you turned into a fart. , and then I let you go. You are a fart. If I don’t let you go, will you still be left in the intestines to be savored?!

18. I want to focus on picking up girls, so I will pull out a hair from each of them. If you want to commemorate it, I might be able to knit a sweater!

19. Annoying - it means that I never tire of being lovable.

20. There is a kind of quietness called Laoban is coming

21. Some things are only worthy of memories. Some people can only be guests.

22. Skipping class is a person’s carnival. Class is a lonely place for a group of people.

23. For a lazy person like me, if I reply to everything you say, it can only mean one thing: I like you.

24. What is the concept of winter vacation homework: We write for a month, and the teacher writes a review.

25. Never be a lover when you can be friends; there are no eternal lovers, only eternal friends.