"Decoding Adolescence" is a book written by American writer Josh Shipp based on his own experience, telling how to accompany teenage children to grow up. It is a book that helps parents and educators of adolescent children. This book is a book that provides insight into the psychology and behavior of teenagers, and is a practical manual that provides scientific guidance. From the book, I learned about the behavioral and psychological characteristics of children of different ages, and learned some measures and methods to solve common problems among teenagers. After two weeks of reading, I reflected on my own family education behavior and benefited a lot.
Before receiving the book "Decoding Puberty", I first looked up information about the author Josh Shipp from the Internet: a global youth inspirational expert and speaker, famous for producing the documentary "Teenage Issues" , founded the organization "Caring Adults" to provide relevant resources and training activities for parents, educators, etc. to help adults understand teenagers and help teenagers understand themselves. This is a book written by a writer with personal experience and rich practical operations. I am full of expectations for this book! The first thing I looked through after receiving the book was the table of contents. The book has a preface: Every child needs a "Rodney"; Part 1: Three key thinking modes; Part 2: Different characteristics of adolescence; Part 3 : Components of coping with common challenges of adolescence.
? Preface: Every child needs a "Rodney." "Rodney" attracted me, what is it? Why is it so magical that every child needs it?
In the preface, it can be said that Josh Sipp is recounting his growth history. He was an orphan and his life was bleak and hopeless. At the age of 14, he worked hard to make his situation worse. He is stubborn, numb, resentful, and cares nothing. He takes pleasure in how quickly his adoptive family kicks him out. He treats this as a game. He even recorded in a diary the dates he was adopted, the dates he was kicked out, and the strategies he used when he was kicked out. His goal was to set a new fastest record, which he held for less than a week before being kicked out. Josh said that he was actually very scared. He hated everyone, especially adults, because his biological parents, the first pair of adults he faced when he was born, abandoned him. Because of his distrust of the world around him, he would behave in such a terrible way towards everyone in the world. He always felt lonely and helpless, and his life was meaningless. He even took a bottle of medicine and wanted to end his life. Rodney shows up, with no obvious or overwhelming skills or talents, and is adopted by an ordinary middle-aged Midwestern man. (Get it, Rodney is Josh Shipp's adoptive father.) He's back to his game plan of getting kicked out, and he manages to be obnoxious, provocative, unappreciative, rude, and pick up the slack from the school store He stole things from inside, got together to drink during school operations, and was ordered to drop out of school; he tampered with school computer files in an attempt to modify his grades; he set fire to things; he secretly drove Rodney's car out for a ride, etc. He was just a prankster crazy dancer. who. It's been three years, but Rodney hasn't kicked him out. Are there any kids we meet who are as bad as he is? Comparing our tolerance, Rodney is really miraculous, he is like a Milai Buddha, able to tolerate things that are unbearable in the world!
Josh Sipp did not give up. He wrote a bad check to pay for his car insurance. He drove a speeding car and passed a police car and was sent to jail by the police. He thought he could finally be kicked out, but when he called Luo When Denis was released, Rodney promised to bail him out. But instead of picking him up right away, he chose to let him, a 14-year-old child, spend a night in prison with all kinds of prisoners, taking on the responsibilities he could bear. When Rodney went to bail him out the next day, he fully expected that Rodney would collapse this time and Rodney would scold him. Unfortunately, he miscalculated again! Rodney said, "Josh, you can continue to cause trouble and go against us...Boy, we don't see you as a problem, we see you as an opportunity." What a great foster parent this is How tolerant can you be to your adopted son? This is nothing more than a biological one, right? This sentence became a turning point in Josh's life. This reminds me of the growth story of the puppet Pinocchio in "Pinocchio" by Italian writer Carlo Collodi. A child's healthy growth cannot be separated from the care of mature and caring adults. All a child needs to be successful is the company of a caring adult. This person must have enough patience and confidence, and must be tolerant enough of the child's mistakes during his or her growth. He must not regard it as a problem, but as an opportunity to change the child. Everything has two sides. Look at the side that is beneficial to your child's development, zoom in, and zoom in again! Who will be that caring adult for your child?
? Part 1: Three key thinking patterns. Pattern 1: Teenagers need you more than they seem. We parents generally think that it will be easier when our children get older because they no longer want to follow us. In fact, a survey of YMCA teens and parents conducted by the Global Strategy Group found that being able to enjoy precious family time with their family was the top priority for teens. But this is ranked fourth among parents. Research finds that what teenagers need most is what parents are ignoring.
The Research Institute also collected data from more than five million children and teenagers from a variety of backgrounds and situations, revealing that some children succeed and some fail. The key is that something called assets comes into play. Half of the assets are internal, that is, positive character and values; the other half is external, that is, favorable external environment and experiences. These two assets make a child successful. These two assets do not fall from the sky. They come from the purposeful cultivation and creation of caregivers. They are taught and demonstrated by adults. Parents have the greatest potential influence. When teenagers are driving you crazy, the last thing you want to do is be around them. If they push you, push you, and test you repeatedly, they actually need you, but they don't know how to express their need for you in words. If adolescence is likened to a roller coaster, then adulthood is like a thigh-pressing bar. Teenagers need the company of us adults, and they are only as powerful as a bravado. As an adult, make time in your schedule and create space to go on a date with them. This date is more important than any other date you have. And because you are an adult, you have to actively prepare for a date to make it fun. Maybe dating will not go as smoothly as you imagined, and because you are an adult building and improving your relationship with teenagers, you have to be mentally prepared and give it a gradual process, just like you want to run a marathon without running. Only by training slowly can you run as fast as you can.
Mode 2: The rules of the game have changed, so you have to change too and learn to ask for help. One day, you wake up and it feels like almost overnight, your cute, innocent, and simple child has turned into a teenager who is incomprehensible to you, completely strange, and sometimes even puzzling. You're still your air traffic controller, and you have full authority over what they eat, where they go, who they play with, and when they go to bed. What worked so well in the past doesn't work for this teenager at all, and it's even frustrating. , someone was injured at this time. The rules of the game have changed, and because you are an adult, you have to make changes. Adopt a coaching mentality and let them deal with the challenges in life and learning on their own. Even if they fail, it is what they should experience as they grow. All you need to do is remain with them to provide guidance and encouragement. Of course, this coach is not yelling at the referee, but a caring adult. You are a person who urges and encourages athletes to break through themselves and surpass their dreams.
A great coach has three qualities: focuses on character development rather than just results; deliberately discusses "destructive" failures; and disciplines children with values ??rather than emotions. Reflecting on myself, among these three traits, I am most easily controlled by emotions. When he does something wrong or acts rebellious, an unknown fire often breaks out in my heart. I know that getting angry won't help, but sometimes I really can't control it. Sometimes when you can't control your anger, you will go to the other extreme and silently sulk alone. After reading this, you will understand that neither is acceptable. When dealing with teenagers, it is important to remember who is the adult and who needs to act more maturely. Don't act emotionally, act based on value principles. The key to disciplining children is to establish agreed-upon goals, set clear rewards and punishments that everyone agrees on, have clear values ??and have the courage to stick to the terms. This makes it easier to control your emotions.
Coaches should also guide young people to consider the worst-case scenario and hope for the best before doing things. I have done a good job in this regard, but I feel that my son hopes for the best in everything. There is still room for training in cultivating children to express their ideas clearly.
The third thought pattern: You need help. A life of being abandoned, bullied, and constantly moved from one home to another as a child left a shadow on Josie. Although he succeeded with the help of Rodney, after success, he used his tireless work to To anesthetize the hatred in his heart, to hate those things that cannot belong to him forever. Emotions of fear, hatred, and regret will torture him from time to time. He used personal experience to tell us how much impact the harmonious relationship between parents and children has on a person's life. We need to seriously consider people not just for ourselves, but for those who depend on us. Everyone does not live simply for themselves. They have shouldered responsibilities from the moment they were born, right?
Whether parents choose to be arrogant or humble in life, it will have a profound impact on their children. Choosing arrogance means living on lies, choosing humility means living by truth. Choosing humility does not mean choosing failure. It means realizing that we need help. This is also the best way to gain the trust of teenagers. I understand it in the same way as "showing weakness" in front of teenagers. Several examples of humility from Josie Sipp also demonstrate the rationality of choosing humility. By asking others for advice and becoming your best self, everyone benefits.
Part 2: The different stages of adolescence. To help teenagers, you first have to understand them to know what they want from adults and what key actions parents can take to meet their children's needs. 11 to 12 years old: Naive, changeable, and insecure. The focus of life is acceptable. Take advantage of this stage when your children still want to be with you, enjoy playdates, read books, and create conversations about the meaning of life together. 12 to 14 years old: curious, irritable, unstable. Focus seeks self.
Parents should affirm their children's strengths, encourage them more, and guide them to make close friends. They can work with their children to formulate rules that both children agree with, and start to abide by the rules. 14 to 15 years old: gregarious, impulsive, and likes to inquire. Life focus friends. Parents understand their child's circle, develop healthy friendships, help him become a good friend in the eyes of others, be sincere and tolerant, and give his child hope while not forgetting the parents' veto power. 15~16 years old: rebellious, adventurous, and courageous to try. The focus of life is the pursuit of freedom, and the pursuit of authority begins. Parents help their children establish values, take the initiative, and win their trust even if they push you away. Talk about emotional issues and ask them why as much as a philosopher would. 16 to 17 years old: Unconventional, idealistic, and unrealistic; parents help their children develop their potential and don’t stifle their dreams. 17~18 years old: Focus on the future, proactive, and fearful of the future. Parents trust, which makes him happier than "you do anything." Don’t rush to help them out of a difficult situation, let them learn to deal with it on their own, and continue to offer advice when they are struggling.
Only by knowing what is happening can we know why it is happening. Parents should be the most powerful emotional support for their children.
Part 3: Coping with Common Challenges of Adolescence. The author recommends that this part be used as a recipe book, what to make when you have the ingredients, and how to make it. Josie has given very detailed guidance in this part.
? Adolescence is a critical period in the growth of children. When accompanying adolescent children, it is important for parents to be competent, change their thinking patterns, and understand the psychological characteristics of adolescent children. Through continuous learning, there is a saying that if parents study hard, their children will make progress every day. This statement is true.
Teacher Zhang Peng from Nanyang, a QQ reading group for Henan teachers, set three questions during the reading guide: 1. What are the characteristics of different stages of adolescence? 2. How to deal with challenges in interpersonal relationships and communication? 3. How do you think we should accompany teenage children to grow up?
The following is an excerpt of the sentences that interest me shared by teachers in the book club:
Goethe said: "Expecting a person based on his current performance will not make him any better. Expect his potential and his due achievements, and he will live up to them. “Positive character traits exist because of the nurture of their caregivers.
The favorable external environment exists because of the creation of the caregiver. Conducive environment + positive character traits = success.
Suhomlinsky said, "The labor of raising children is complicated: it is a fusion of reason and emotion, wisdom, love and ability; the happiness in front of you makes you intoxicated, and the future of your child makes you intoxicated. Fear. Wherever the wisdom and talent of being a parent is lost, happiness will become a phantom.
The family is a magical wave on the sea, and beauty can splash from these waves. /p>
I hope that we and our children will become better and better at loving children but not being offside, and correctly grasping the psychological needs of children's growth. When we stand in front, what the children see is our cold back; In the future, the child will see the whole world. If you love your child, let him explore this beautiful world with a motivated heart!
Family is the foundation and the first pillar of education! It's the parents. Tolstoy has a famous saying: "Ninety-nine percent of children's education comes down to their role models and the correctness and perfection of their parents' own lives." The family environment is both a pair of invisible hands and A pair of strong hands, children live in them, and under the influence of their ears and eyes, they slowly form a lifestyle and moral conduct that is consistent with the family environment.