——Take five movies as examples to look at love from a developmental perspective.

Although I have previously referred to different views on love from philosophers, romantics, poets, deconstructionists, and psychologists, I still want to give an overall and systematic description of love. Not an easy task. However, it's not entirely impossible.

? I hope to divide a person's life into four stages: childhood, youth, middle age and old age, and with the help of several movies, briefly describe the occurrence and development of love in each stage. A longitudinal review and comparison. Despite this, the division is obviously not comprehensive and detailed enough, and some finer structures are ignored, but these shortcomings can be ignored for the time being. My focus will be on the trunk and most notable features.

?Childhood Love

?The childhood I am referring to here is not childhood in the narrow sense, but childhood relative to the entire life. It includes what we often call late childhood, childhood, and adolescence. Specifically, the years from elementary school to adolescence are included. This time period can be called the sun at seven or eight o'clock.

? Why is it divided like this? At this stage, love is always regarded as an "exceptional event" by society, and it is not compatible with the social clock system. People always think that it is a strange thing for children at this stage to fall in love, or they regard it as something strange. See it as an alternative form of childhood play (think of the movie "Little Children") rather than true love.

? Indeed, according to Sternberg's triadic theory of love, this common view does have some legitimacy. Emotional factors Intimacy may be the only dimension available and involves understanding, communication and sharing; Cognitive factors Commitment may be difficult and is linked to responsibility, which determines whether you commit to a relationship; Motivational factors Passion simply has no basis in reality: physiological development determines that physical attraction is negligible at this stage.

? So how should we view this kind of interpersonal relationship? Is it really not love? Perhaps the classic love movie "Heartbeat" can give us an answer.

? The movie tells the story of the love-hate relationship between the little girl Julie Baker and the little boy Bryce. Bryce's family moved to a small town, and Julie fell in love with him at first sight. From then on, he became Bryce's "candy" and "follower", which made him very troubled.

The occurrence and development of subtle emotions show subtle mistakes. Bryce is always one step behind Julie: on the days when Julie "harasses" him, he always has an indifferent, An attitude of indifference or even rejection; the situation reversed after entering middle school, and Bryce gradually developed a liking for her, while at this time Julie had an affair with him because of the egg incident, tree cutting incident and library incident. centrifugal force.

? We know that in the first stage, before the age of seven, a child's relationship is determined like this: I like him or her, and I treat him or her as a friend because of his behavior. In other words, children determine who their friends are based on the specific behaviors of others. Take "Alan's First Love", which is known as the "image version of heart-thumping". Marta's affection for Alan also started when he stepped forward in the handkerchief game.

In the second stage, the situation has undergone some changes: the development of the relationship is based on mutual trust. Children look at a relationship based on the characteristics of others and the rewards that others can provide. At this time, the core of friendship is mutual trust. Let’s look at what Julie said about Bryce during the period of alienation: She said that some people’s whole is greater than the sum of their parts, and some people are different. She originally thought Bryce was at least not the latter, but then she discovered he was the former. In the sycamore tree incident, Bryce's performance was dual: on the one hand, Julie discovered the "empty" part of him, and Bryce could not defend the sycamore tree with a romantic gesture like her (actually is covered by timidity); on the other hand, it destroys trust.

? By the way, the moment when Julie sits in a tree and enjoys the sunset is also one of the two most classic shots in this movie.

? The egg incident further exacerbated this change, and ultimately the library incident ended trust completely.

During the eavesdropping in the library, Bryce's friend did not refute the violent remarks about Julie's mentally retarded uncle, which made Julie realize his hypocrisy (actually cowardice).

As childhood transitions into adolescence, children's views on relationships change again. At this time, the child's view of the relationship is based on psychological intimacy, and the standard is transformed into intimacy and loyalty, with exclusivity. Childhood love (or the prototype of love) reaches a crossroads here: it can either fade away and be separated in silence (like Alan); or it can enter the next stage: adolescent love.

In fact, the differences between Julie and Bryce were finally bridged. The campus talent show incident was the breaking point, which forced Julie to face her feelings again and where to go. Exclusivity drives her to secretly feel jealousy of Bryce's chosen one, Shirley, but both jealousy and residual intimacy are repressed, repressed by the superego.

So what we usually say about "persisting on desires to the end" actually needs to be analyzed in detail: What if there are multiple desires? What if there is an approach-avoidance conflict of will? It is necessary to understand which desires and impulses are defense mechanisms, and which desires are based on misunderstandings. To put it bluntly, we have to go back to the facts themselves.

So the screenwriter made Bryce suddenly enlightened and took the initiative to plant trees in her courtyard, echoing the previous plot of the sycamore tree, hoping to calm Julie's emotional storm. In the end, he succeeded. So there is the second classic shot of "Pumping Heart":

? Looking back, if we truly examine the reality, especially considering the strict regulations on early love in the context of Chinese parent-child education Attitude, some subtle changes may occur in the above-mentioned stages. Coupled with the obvious phenomenon of "gender segregation" in the process of children's psychosocial development (reflected in Bryce's avoidance of Julie at the beginning, girls changed earlier in this regard) and the phenomenon of "same-sex preference", childhood love It can be said to be a rare phenomenon.

? Because of this, we say that the relationship between childhood sweethearts is a seed. Whether this seed can truly take root and sprout and move to the next stage of growth is not a question that can be answered simply. Love in Adolescence

? The conventional wisdom is that it only makes sense to talk about love in adolescence: this is what the social clock expects. It encompasses late high school, college, and even the entirety of "emerging adulthood" (the transition from adolescence to adulthood), during which most love stories take place.

? During this period, individuals finally emerged from the iron curtain of gender segregation and gradually devoted themselves to some transgender activities. According to Freud, this is the second awakening of sexuality, from which physiological factors gradually become complete; the task at this time is to establish self-identity, that is, to clarify who I am and what I will become. A series of major issues such as human beings, in this process the "commitment" factor of love is not inconsistent with it, but goes hand in hand. So the three corners of love (passion, commitment and intimacy) have been set up or are being set up: just waiting for a certain moment to spark.

"Love Before Dawn" tells the story of a spark. The past story of American young Jesse and French girl Selena originated from an encounter on a train. One was a traveler traveling around the hinterland of Europe, and the other was a student about to return to Paris. On the train, Jesse and she had a great chat, and the two decided to get off in Vienna and spend the rest of the day in the city.

The plot always advances in dialogue. On the bus, at the cemetery, and in the record store, the two confided in each other about their past and their views on social events through question and answer games. Talking about soul reincarnation. On the street, at an outdoor cafe, they talked about their parents' generation and marriage. The two agreed on some issues, such as:

Jesse said: I know happy couples, but I think they are all cheating on each other.

Selina said: Yes, people can live in lies all their lives...

Some of them have diverged:

The witch who reads palms thinks that Celine Na is an explorer, interested in the power and creativity of women, and becoming a woman.

Finally, he concluded with a romantic atmosphere: You are all stars. Don’t forget that when the stars exploded a billion years ago, they formed everything in the world.

? Selena liked these words very much, but Jesse thought it was just opportunistic fortune-telling remarks and a meaningless compliment. Later, during a walk along the Seine, she confessed that the incident had made her angry and that he was like an "aggressive rooster".

? At this time, the bard's poem was also written: I am a deceptive angel/I am a paradise of fantasy/...I take you/You take me/We can only do this /Don’t you understand me/Don’t you understand me yet?

? The two seemed to be in love, but in fact the topic they talked about went far beyond love. On different topics, they exchanged opinions, shared feelings, had disagreements, and reached mutual understanding again and again... This is exactly what I want to say, at this stage, self-exploration and the development of intimate relationships go hand in hand, and even You could say the two are interconnected. It provides a new space with a completely open attitude for young people to deepen or revise their beliefs and assumptions.

? In the oscillating process of self-identity, nothing is truly certain: it’s possible that my stance today is more conservative, but that after a relationship my views were more liberal because of the other person’s influence. It also creates a certain sense of identity; it’s possible that the other gender in me has some prejudices, and the prejudices disappear after meeting someone. This is true even for the relationship itself. Neither of us knows when one day the relationship will break down due to a sudden trivial incident, or we will be separated forever due to some force majeure factor.

? This uncertainty has a double meaning: on the one hand, it forms the basis of romanticism (so when they parted at the station, the two would rather not leave their phone number and address, but only give the time of the next date, leaving their future to uncertainty); on the other hand, it makes the relationship at this stage have an illusory character, it is like a bubble that can burst at any time.

? Jesse: I feel like we are in a dream world.

? Selena: It’s so weird, it’s like our time together is our creation. It must be like you in my dream and me in your dream. …It feels like we’re in another world, but then come morning, we’re the same again.

? Uncertainty is sometimes attractive and sometimes annoying. In order to ensure stability, some measures are necessary. As Selena said: I believe that if there is a God, it will not exist in any one person, but in this small space. If there is a miracle in the world, it must be trying to understand someone and share the joys and sorrows with them.

? She is right, a stable relationship has both repulsion and attraction. It requires individuals to transcend their own limitations.

? The most classic scene is the scene when Selina is lying on Jesse's lap and Jesse is reciting poetry at the break of dawn.

? An interesting metaphor: the brilliant day has ended, and a new day has begun; the happy time has passed, and the moment of departure is coming. Life is like this. It is composed of ending points and starting points. The starting points and ending points are intertwined into a network, tightly covering our trajectory.

?Middle-aged love

?Nine years later, Jesse and Selina met again in Paris. At this time, Jesse had already married and was a well-known writer; while Selina worked for an international environmental organization. Before boarding the plane leaving Paris, Jesse decides to catch up with his old flame, which is the plot of "Love at Sunset."

? Nine years have passed in the play, and nine years have passed outside the play. The second part of the Love in series came out in 2004, and the first part in 1997.

In 2004, Jesse and Selena were in early adulthood, in their early thirties, which can be said to be the peak of all aspects of their lives. However, both of them are not satisfied with their emotional lives.

Jesse admitted that his marriage was a complete burden, and only his son cheered him up: "I don't want to be that kind of person, divorced at the age of 52, crying, admitting that he has never loved his partner, and feels that his Life seems to have been completely sucked away by a vacuum cleaner." Selena also complained that she had completely lost passion and romance in successive relationships. Those things had been exhausted on that night nine years ago, and she is now. It seems that reality and love are completely opposite.

? The jump from love to marriage is essentially a change from a state of freshness and high expectations to a secular state polished by reality. If the love period is the expectation of a harmonious life, then marriage is the realization of a harmonious life day after day. It's obvious that Jesse and Selena have stumbled and haven't adjusted well to their marriage yet.

? But this meeting still ignited something in their hearts. Selina, who had almost given up her idealism, still believed in Einstein's famous saying: "If you don't believe in any miracles or mysteries, you might as well die." Jesse began to imagine: What if two people nine years ago If someone leaves their contact information, or if both of them show up for a later date, will the situation completely change? Selena joked that maybe life would be more miserable for them both.

? "Maybe we are only suitable for meeting by chance... wandering among European cities under the sun..."

? In her own apartment, Selena dedicated herself to Jesse They played guitar and sang a waltz for night, which completely rekindled the flame in their hearts.

In 2013, the third part of the "Love at Midnight" trilogy was officially released. Another nine years passed. Jesse and his wife had already divorced, and he lived with Selena and gave birth to a pair of daughters. The two took their children on vacation in the Peloponnese Peninsula in Greece, and the story focused on the conversation between the two on their last day.

? It can be seen that the tone of the third part is more realistic and gloomy than the first two parts. The opening scene is the scene of Jesse seeing off his son. There is no introduction of music and no romantic tone. It's just a realistic portrayal of life. Although Jesse divorced his ex-wife, his son became a problem. Custody was given to her in the United States. Jesse could only meet him regularly and take him to Europe for a vacation, that's all.

? Jesse could not bear the current situation of being separated from his son and wanted to move to Chicago. However, this decision was firmly opposed by Selina. Selina is unwilling to give up her job promotion opportunity in Paris, and she is even less willing to sacrifice herself for Jesse again. In the car, Selena expressed her dissatisfaction; at the banquet, her friends were complaining about her family's shortcomings, and she spread her hands and said, "He is a hidden male chauvinist."; In the end, this disagreement evolved into a disagreement in the hotel. A big quarrel.

? Just as Roland Barthes summed up: Quarrel is not about listening to the other party's opinions, but about distributing language goods based on equal rights. It has become a catharsis of emotions. You and I must express all the resentment accumulated in our chests to feel comfortable. Starting from a phone call, starting from whether to move to the United States, the topic gradually ran away. Selina complained that Jesse was too irresponsible for the family and could not even name the family doctor, causing her to lose the pursuit of her own independent life. time; Jesse complained that it would be better to play the guitar and write instead of complaining here; Selena also mentioned his previous affair with a female reader, and Jesse complained that she always wanted to control him and change him. He... chattered endlessly.

? We seem to find that middle-aged love and marriage are filled with triviality, fatigue, and depression. There is no longer the ignorance and immaturity of childhood love, no more passion and fantasy of youth love, there is only disappointment and resentment...

? Why? This starts with the differences in the way of thinking and focus between men and women. Men in marriage value independence and supporting the family, while women value good communication between husband and wife; men are used to doing things together, and women are used to talking about things together, so most women chatter endlessly.

? Then we are completely unable to deal with these troubles? At least, the director and screenwriter have not given up hope.

In the play, Jesse and Selina proactively adopt a strategy of "starting over," using imagination and romance to restart their relationship. "If you met me now on the train, would you still be tempted?" "I am a time traveler, sent here to talk to you by the eighty-year-old Selena..." ?

? There are two types of problems in relationships: one is differences in interests, and the other is differences in opinions. The former relies on mutual compromise, and the latter relies on mutual understanding. What we need here is a realistic strategy, not a romantic one. "When the wind is sunny, be a child; when the wind and rain are blowing, be an adult." This is exactly the truth.

? Importantly, our purpose is to adapt, not to destroy. Karen Horney said it well: "Love begins when the passion subsides." Getting to know him or her as he or she is, not as he or she is imagined or felt, is the true meaning of love. Love in old age

? The transition from middle age to old age presents new challenges and development tasks to individuals. At this stage, we will face various losses and degenerative changes. The loss and decline of cognitive functions, motor functions, socioeconomic status, etc. will bring about all-round psychological changes.

? Based on various physiological and psychological changes, Schei's theory of intellectual development believes that the key words of old age are reorganization, restructuring and creative gifts. Reorganization is to break away from the original social role and Re-establishing social roles; restructuring means making subtractions in life to achieve the focus and deepening of goals. Erikson also believes that the task of old age is to overcome despair, complete self-integration and transcendence in old age.

? Self-integration means looking back, meaning that I can accept my life and recognize that my life is valuable: this is inseparable from the successful completion of tasks at every stage, including old age itself. . Therefore, I believe that love and marriage in old age cannot be viewed separately, but should be regarded as part of the task of adaptation and development.

? As the last piece of the puzzle of life, it seems particularly important: this is your last chance to write the narrative of your life. We can find that the life theme of many elderly couples is "being together" and "interdependence". This is not only the result of life inertia, but also takes into account the psychology of the elderly: this is related to life satisfaction, but also to self-evaluation and Integration (I don't think anyone wants to be labeled a failed marriage when they grow old), and they are willing to overcome conflicts to do so.

In addition, we can also see the rebirth of love among the elderly. They may also develop a need for intimacy due to reasons such as the loss of a partner or the distance of their children, which is why older people also fall in love. The Korean movie "I Love You" tells such a story: the old man Kim Man-seok who delivers milk on a motorcycle and the old lady Song Yifen who collects waste meet on a slope on a snowy night. Their lonely and lonely life brings them closer to each other: Song Yifen He came to the city from the countryside and was abandoned by his male partner. After the death of his child, he began to live alone; and Jin Wanshi's wife also died of illness. Although he had children and grandchildren to accompany him, he still felt that something was missing. In the end, with the encouragement of his granddaughter Yan'er, Wan Shi expressed his feelings to Song Yifen, and the two exchanged gifts... On the other side, Wan Shi's friend Zhang Junfeng depended on his wife who suffered from Alzheimer's disease. An examination revealed her terminal illness. In extreme pain, Zhang Junfeng decided to close the door tightly, lie next to her, and leave the world together in one night...

? The most extreme and shocking There is no doubt that one ending is: *** die together. This is true for Zhang Junfeng and his wife in "I Love You", as well as for Andre Goz (84 years old), the author of "Letter to D | Love Letter", and his terminally ill wife Dorina (82 years old). Goetz admitted, "Neither of us wants one of us to continue to live after the death of the other." This is the most extreme love, the most passionate emotion, and the most tender companionship. "Don't seek to be born in the same year, the same month and the same day, but seek to die in the same year, the same month and the same day" means a powerful connection that will span life and death.

? A good relationship will give back to itself, giving the individual a sense of value and intimacy, which is a key step to achieve transcendence and overcome death anxiety. More importantly, it will become an active part of creation and gifting.

There is a very touching detail in "I Love You". When Song Yifen left the city and returned to her hometown, Kim Wanshi sat blankly on the stone steps of her house. The new owner's child greeted him and took the initiative to turn on the street lights. She said , this was what the old lady before reminded her, in case people riding motorcycles at night could not see the road clearly. At this moment, Jin Wanshi seemed to see the phantom of her smile under the lamp. At this moment, there is really something beyond love, beyond the boundaries of the individual, but it is one with love itself.

? Love in old age constantly reminds those in love: What kind of person are you? What role do you play? What do you bring to the people around you? What do you bring to this world? And it drives people to answer consciously or unconsciously, and finally completes their own life narrative: it becomes a sweet and refreshing ending. The moment the ventilator was unplugged and the heart stopped beating, a scene emerged in Jin Wanshi's mind. He took her on a motorcycle to swim in the sea of ??flowers and the stars under the spring light.