Mr. Toad is a good toad who does not eat swan meat. He is a rich second generation and a good man. In the eyes of others, he is gentle, elegant and personable. Living in a mansion, driving a sports car, serving as a school director, not smoking, not picking up girls, occasionally tasting wine, living a free and happy life.

As the saying goes, "Everything in the world contains grievances." Mr. Toad has become more and more depressed due to some changes recently. He started to suffer from insomnia, drank too much, didn't dress up, and stayed on the sofa all day long, making himself look sloppy. He would cry bitterly late at night, listening to a thousand reasons for being sad, as if he had fallen into the abyss and became a frog at the bottom of a well. With the help of his friends, Mr. Toad found the psychological counselor Heron. Under the guidance of Heron, he began to bravely explore his inner world and constantly understand, accept and change himself. The 10 times of psychological consultation were like a ladder in life, allowing him to climb up step by step from the bottom of the well, and finally achieve self-transformation and become the frog prince that everyone loves more.

"Mr. Toad Sees a Psychologist", the title sounds like a children's book, but it is actually a very professional spiritual healing book written for adults. During the reading process, you can follow Mr. Toad to explore the roots of emotions, experience the details of consultation, and complete a self-healing.

In order to facilitate memory, I have summarized the key points of this book in terms of "1+2+3+4", that is:

1 premise. The only prerequisite for change is to know yourself. The only person in this world who can help you is yourself.

2 thoughts. Everyone is wandering between rationality and sensibility. A truly powerful person is both rational and emotional.

3 states. Everyone has the state of child, parent and adult, a trinity. The reason why adults suffer is precisely because they are not in the adult state.

4 coordinates. There are four coordinates in life. The coordinates you choose determine what kind of person you become. "You are good and I am good" is the ultimate goal of our struggle.

Part 1——1 Premise

The only prerequisite for change is to know yourself. The only person in this world who can help you is yourself.

When Mr. Toad visited Heron for the first time, Heron said straight to the point: "How are you today?" Mr. Toad blurted out: "Very good, thank you." Although he was not good, But my habit told him that I should answer this way. Why did I have such a subconscious reaction?

Because we have been indoctrinated by adults since childhood: expressing negative emotions such as sadness and anger is a sign of incompetence and cowardice, and will be disliked and bored. Therefore, we have learned to deceive ourselves and hide our true emotions, as if only by doing this, adults will be happy and we will not be hurt. Therefore, when Heron asked Mr. Toad to describe his true feelings, he couldn't figure out what emotions he was feeling for a while.

When the toad said, "I am a person who cannot get angry," the heron saw through the illusion he had spun for himself. The toad realized that it was not that he would not be angry, but that he had chosen another person. way to be angry. When the toad said "I'm fine," the heron made him see his sadness and despair clearly. He kept asking the toad about his true feelings, because reality is the entrance to understanding the inner world. When Toad blamed the people around him for misunderstanding and making him sad, Heron exposed his biggest lie: no one can make you unhappy, it is you who choose to make yourself unhappy.

The first step to improving your mood is to know yourself and identify your true inner emotions.

In order to make Mr. Toad's emotions quantitatively visible, Heron used the method of "emotional thermometer". The thermometer is divided into 10 scales. The lowest is 1, which means it is very bad and may want to commit suicide. 5 points It means you can still bear it, and the highest score is 10, which means you are very happy.

Mr. Toad gave himself a score of 1-2 for the first time. As the number of consultations increased, he gave himself a higher and higher score. This scoring mechanism is not an exam. We don’t need to deliberately care about the score itself. We only need to truly present our inner feelings, which will help us further understand ourselves and make adjustments.

Mr. Toad completed the first consultation and asked Heron when he left: "Do you think I will get better?" Heron replied: "I believe everyone has the ability to get better. , I will also devote my full attention to you, but in the final analysis, it all depends on you. The person who can help you is yourself, and you are the only one."

Part 2——2. Thinking

Everyone is wandering between rationality and sensibility. A truly powerful person is both rational and emotional.

During the subsequent consultation process, Mr. Toad gradually realized that there are two modes of thinking in everyone's brain, rational thinking and perceptual thinking. When Mr. Toad chose depression at the beginning, he actually chose perceptual thinking, like a baby, only reacting instinctively. And when he accepted the treatment and was willing to analyze himself, he returned to rational thinking.

What is rationality and what is sensibility? Simply put, rationality means that a person can make rational analysis and judgment on a certain matter, without being overheated and making decisions without impulsiveness. Emotionality, on the other hand, means that a person treats a certain matter entirely based on his mood, and is prone to act emotionally without regard to the consequences.

Different things have different ways of handling things. You cannot say that a person is rational or not emotional. It depends on the nature of the matter.

Yu Dan once said: "We need a kind of clear reason, which is a power to save lives in this noisy world. At the same time, we also need a joyful sensibility. This kind of reason A perceptual heart can make us see spring, and everything we touch is filled with happiness.”

So, sometimes perceptuality and rationality need to coexist. If a person is less emotional, he will appear impersonal; if he is less rational, he will appear too rigid. Therefore, the correct approach is to seek a balance between emotion and rationality. When you feel happiness, you should let your sensibility run wildly; when you feel pain, you should let reason intervene in your sensibility to alleviate the discomfort.

Part 3 - 3 states

Everyone has the states of children, parents and adults, a trinity. The reason why adults suffer is precisely because they are not in the adult state.

During the consultation process with Mr. Toad, Heron divided our lives into three states: children, adults, and parents.

1. Children’s ego state. When a person is in the child ego state, he or she will subconsciously react with childhood habits, feeling and behaving like a child. In this state, he will instinctively obey and rely on others, reproduce past situations, experience painful emotions that have been suppressed in the past, and cannot learn anything new.

2. Parental ego state. People in the parent ego state are either criticizing others or themselves. People in this state will use words and deeds to repeat the right and wrong and values ????learned from their parents, and try every means to make others accept their own set of ideas. They may even point the finger of judgment at themselves and engage in merciless self-criticism.

3. Adult ego state. In the adult ego state, we can get rid of emotional control, plan, consider, decide, and act rationally, and use knowledge and skills to solve current problems. The adult ego state is the only state where you can learn new knowledge about yourself, because in the child ego state, you are just experiencing past emotions, and in the parent ego state, you are either criticizing or educating others, so you will not learn in either state. to something.

So, how do we mobilize our adult self-state in a timely manner?

In fact, this returns to the first topic - knowing yourself. You need to constantly think about who you are, where you come from, where you are going, and how you can get there.

After careful analysis, Mr. Toad realized that as an adult, he had actually been in a child ego state.

As a child, Toad was born into a prominent family, but he was never happy. His father often criticized and scolded him, while his mother obeyed his father's authority and rarely hugged or comforted herself. In order to please their parents' love, childhood toads had to behave like obedience, pleasing, apologizing, and dependence, and gradually formed a dependent and pleasing personality. The essence of growth is to gradually break the relationship of dependence and become an independent person. Obedience leads the toad to regard dependence as life itself. In childhood, he relies on his parents, and in adulthood, he relies on the affirmation of the outside world. Once he receives a negative reaction, he will either please others or criticize himself, which is painful. It was unbearable, so it never grew up.

"Every child is born with a blank piece of paper, and the parents are the ones who paint. The key to how the blank paper becomes depends on the parents." Adult behaviors and habits are learned from childhood. , will also have a subtle impact on people's lives.

Part 4 - 4 coordinates

There are four coordinates in life. The coordinates you choose determine what kind of person you become. "You are good and I am good" is what we strive for. ultimate goal.

The heron once asked the toad two questions: The first question is: What do you think of yourself? Are you OK? The second question is: How do you see others? How is he?

Based on the answers to these two questions, the following four life coordinates are generated:

1. Hello, I am not good. People at this coordinate believe that they are victims of life and cannot control life, resulting in emotions such as anxiety, depression, and self-blame.

2. I am good, but you are not. People in this coordinate often occupy the commanding heights of power and authority, often attacking and blaming others, and producing emotions such as anger, criticism, and accusation.

3. I am not good, and neither are you. People in this coordinate are more precisely "criminals", who are both inferior and arrogant, both self-deprecating and aggressive towards others, emotionally unstable, and prone to acts of revenge against society.

4. Hello, me too. This is not only a state, but also a choice and commitment. You believe that you are good, and you believe that others are good. Through your actions and attitudes, you continue to show goodness to yourself and others.

During his last psychological consultation, Mr. Toad gave up his previous obsession with cars and chose to ride a bicycle to the Heron. Along the way, he enjoyed the scenery and listened to the heartbeat of nature, which made him feel extremely happy both physically and mentally. After arriving at Heron, Heron asked him how he felt as usual. Toad said without hesitation this time, "I feel great." He was already planning for the future, not just thinking about it before, but actually having details, a schedule, and actions.

Mr. Toad scored 9 points on his "emotional thermometer" and marked his life in the coordinates of "Hello to you, and so to me". Because at this moment, he feels safe enough in his heart and believes in his own growth and abilities. At the same time, he also appreciates the advantages of others and can cooperate well with others and promote each other.

In the interview with Toad, Heron also gained growth. He is no longer as dogmatic and strict as before. He told Mr. Toad that this state is a more advanced state of life - love.

“Love can take you further on the road to self-growth and perfection, because it takes you from an independent individual to a relationship with others. Independence implies doing Pride in yourself also includes your unique talents and what makes you unique. Independent people guard their newfound autonomy, but their nature reflects maturity and self-acceptance, allowing them to thrive socially and professionally. We can also use Mother Teresa’s classic saying to understand this sentence: “Love in the true sense is love. You also love others. Love everything in life that needs love, without any reason. Even if life is as small as a tiny wick, it can illuminate yourself and others. You can even try. To light up a world.

”