In the recently popular TV series "Celebrating More Than Years", Versace, played by Guo Qilin, is a smart, funny, and eccentric boy. He is responsible for the laughter of the entire drama.

Such a popular thought reflects the most heartbreaking scene in Chinese education.

Fan Zhe is a boy from a rich family. It stands to reason that his family is not short of money, but he has a soft spot for making money. When others are still looking stupid, he can come up with a complete industrial chain.

Without any tools, pure verbal arithmetic can calculate that the net profit of a book can reach 96768.2

In the eyes of others, he is just a smart kid who loves money.

However, perhaps only he knows that he longs for his father's approval.

Although he is very good, his father Fan Jian looks at him just like Jia Zheng looked at Jia Baoyu in "A Dream of Red Mansions": not good at literature, not good at martial arts, and idle all day long. He is nothing.

He is nothing in the eyes of his father, but his father is his superhero.

My father is the Minister of Household Affairs who is in charge of money. He admires his father, so he hopes to get close to his father and gain his approval in this way.

Even if his father punishes him for kneeling for no reason, what he thinks is: I must have done something wrong to make his father unhappy.

A child who has never been recognized by his parents will never feel that his parents are at fault. They will only feel that they are not good enough.

The psychological vortex of "I'm not good enough" will accompany them throughout their lives.

Since I started working in educational psychology, many friends have asked me a question: Are there really so many problem children and problem parents? It’s normal to look at people walking down the street.

In fact, this is the principle of education. The child will grow up, be taller than us, and look normal. They may even get excellent grades and find a good job.

But, does this mean their lives are perfect?

The tears they shed when they dreamed back in the middle of the night were all doubts about themselves and the irreparable pain in life.

Some children yearn for a word of affirmation and a look of affirmation from their parents throughout their lives.

1. The denial of "water drops penetrate stone" is a child's lifelong self-doubt.

Chinese parents have a "rogue" logic, which is a radical parenting style. The more they talk about their children, the more they catch up and get back on their feet.

There is also a famous saying: "Pride makes people fall behind, but humility makes people progress." Whenever a child achieves something, don't turn him into a proud little swan.

"Chinese-style" modesty is a denial of children by parents and a blow to children's self-confidence.

Indeed, challenges can make people forge ahead and inspire them to forge ahead.

But in the family, if a child is stimulated by negative evaluations and constantly denied from an early age, then his inner "anchor" will be destroyed. Until one day, they lost their self-confidence and were filled with self-esteem and doubt.

Encouragement and crackdowns not only fail to build a child, but may also destroy it. How terrible is it that the so-called "frustration education" destroys children? (Clickable)

Some people think that with so much social pressure now, children will also face blows when they grow up. How can parental denial be fatal?

Because outsiders say one or two negative words, the child can still feel relieved. After all, that kind of denial is just accidental, and others don't understand their evaluation.

Parents' denial will have the effect of "drops of water piercing the stone", which is long-term, slow, and reaches the soul directly.

When children grow up, their parents are the closest people and the people who know them best.

Just as parents have high expectations for their children, so do children's love for their parents. The pain of falling from a height is a hundred times more severe than falling on the plain.

The blow from parents is like a primitive negative accumulation. They can't believe in love, nor can they believe in themselves. Let them achieve higher achievements than others in the long journey of life, thereby gaining the same self-confidence.

The black hole in the soul that has been created since childhood is difficult to fill throughout life.

2. Innate inferiority is a black hole in a child’s life.

There is a term in psychology called born with inferiority complex. He was referring to the low self-esteem that parents in their family of origin have long denied that hitting or cold violence would bring to their children.

I have a high school classmate. In the eyes of her classmates, she is a "hypocritical" female classmate. It wasn't until I studied psychology that I realized that many of her behaviors were due to her inherent low self-esteem.

When she was in school, she almost ranked first. Not only that, she was far more satisfied than the second place winner.

Once she was only 3 points higher than the second place and cried in the dormitory for a long time.

We all talked about her behind her back, and she didn’t know whether she was hungry or not. She has no regard for the feelings of other people in the dormitory.

However, a few days later, when I overheard a conversation between her and her mother at a parent-teacher conference, I realized that these three points really scared her.

"You are about to be surpassed, you know?" "Do you know how cruel this society is and how fierce the competition in the college entrance examination is?" "You said you don't look good and you are not smart in doing things. If you don’t study hard, what will you do in the future?”

Her mother is always pushing her from behind. Her heart felt like it was in the wilderness. She couldn't find her place at all. She could only keep going forward, going forward, going forward.

Now she has a successful career and outstanding work ability. But I am not happy, my marriage is not happy, and my husband and I are almost speechless.

She worked very hard, and her 100-point score added 1 point to her self-confidence, but maybe someone else gave her a negative word, which brought her back to her original form.

Everyone needs to gain their own value from the evaluation of others, and this is understandable. In the "primitive accumulation" of the family, all children who do not receive adequate nutrition can only catch a little bit of sweetness by desperately searching for it.

Some people say that children who have been denied since childhood will never love themselves in their lifetime.

This sentence is not an exaggeration at all.

The so-called "loving yourself" does not mean buying yourself delicious food, luxury goods, and getting used to doing everything you want, but truly accepting yourself.

Suppose there are two selves in the world, can the other self sincerely say "I am great, I love myself"? Regardless of advantages or disadvantages, you can accept yourself as you are.

Children who are born with an inferiority complex dare not admit that they are good and will only look for problems within themselves.

3. What children long for is emotional recognition.

In our cultural background, praise and affirmation are like poison, which will make children feel good. After all, pride makes people fall behind.

In fact, the affirmation that children need is not necessarily the gorgeous words or fancy praises of their parents.

All they need is emotional recognition.

When Jiang Wen was a guest on "Thirteen Invitations", the host Xu Zhiyuan asked him if he had any regrets in life?

He said that my parents’ negative comments were the biggest setback in my life.

When he was admitted to the Chinese Theater Academy, he shared with his mother, but her mother started the "finding fault" mode: Your basin of clothes has not been washed yet.

In fact, as a mother, we can imagine that Jiang Wen's mother must have been happy at that time. My son will be very happy to be admitted to college and stand out.

But when it came to my lips, it turned into a denial.

Jiang Wen said, I don’t know how to make her happy when she sees what I do.

We acknowledge that, given our cultural background, it may be difficult for a middle-aged mother to say "you are awesome."

But what children need is nothing more than to resonate with their own emotions.

56-year-old Jiang Wen has achieved great success, but he still finds it difficult to be confident.

Maybe all he longs for is his true feelings, and his parents can see that.

As children grow, they develop the ability to distinguish right from wrong. Know what is right and what is wrong, what is gratifying and what is frustrating.

More important than right or wrong is emotional acceptance.

Everyone knows that praise can be exciting and putdowns can be frustrating, including children.

When children say "Mom, I didn't do well in the exam", what they need is not "You have to keep working hard", but "Mom knows you are sad, let's just keep working hard next semester";< /p>

When children say "Mom, I got first place in the exam", what they need is not "Don't be proud", but "Mom is really happy for you, I know you can do it".

Family is really not a place to judge right and wrong, but a place to accept emotions and empathize.

4. Parents’ approval is a child’s lifelong psychological capital.

Criticism and blame can only deepen a child’s sense of victimhood. Not only will they be powerless and helpless, they will also try to identify with the other person's negative words and start attacking themselves.

Parent-teacher conferences are essentially "food" for children until they become adults.

This "grain" is not a lot of wealth, but their courage to face the world and setbacks.

A child who is full of love and confidence is a confident child.

No matter what stage of life they are in, they can find their own position and have the energy to accept themselves.

The "original capital" given by parents to their children is wealth that the children can enjoy throughout their lives.

Don’t give kids bad reviews unless we want them to look like “bad reviews.”

If the child makes a mistake, be more patient; if the child does well, give more encouragement.

Don’t worry, children really won’t be “praised” for being bad.

Author: Miao Dai, a graduate student in psychology at the Chinese Academy of Sciences, is a working mother who holds her baby in one hand, works in the other, and devotes herself to writing. She is a serious, funny, beautiful and talented post-90s girl.