I like reading. Why do you love reading? Reading can broaden your horizons and increase your knowledge. An ancient man said it well. . . . . . Books are the ladder of human progress. ”。 . . Is this what the ancients said? ! Just kidding, this is what foreigners say, but the ancients didn't say so. However, there is a saying in the ancients that reading pays attention to "three highs"-which three highs? On the pillow, right now, in the toilet. In other words, you can ride a horse while lying in bed or sitting on the toilet reading. In short, you can read books no matter what occasion and time. Well, that's what I do. I take my books with me everywhere. Of course, there are no horses now, but there are cars now. I read books on trains, buses and bicycles. . . Ah. . . Sit on the hanger in the back.

Not everyone is as eager to learn as I am. Not your age, of course. Who is it? My mom. Alas, my mother's laid-off workers have nothing to do. Every day, she just washes clothes, buys food and cooks with her children, not to mention reading books or even reading newspapers. My mother padded the table with our newspaper. Although my mother doesn't read books, she often watches TV. What "Princess Zhu Huan" and "Yongzheng Dynasty"? Alas, she likes to watch this. This article is transferred from

Sometimes I would persuade her, "Mom, you don't have to watch TV all the time. You also read books. Why are you the mother of college students? " Guess what she said? "College students? College students, two scholars, three squats and four urine. " . . . Huh? Can college students get along with urinals? But don't tell me, my mother is really a little tempted by my constant persuasion. Isn't that the day? My mother also said, "Forget it, leave me alone. Listen to you. I also read and study. " Wow, I'm so happy! "That's great! Then what books do you want to read? Is it literature, philosophy, culture or history? Is it music [/b] painting, finance or stocks? " "Stock? I love reading money! " . . . Huh? ! Do you have a currency reader? ! "Your mother, I graduated from high school, I don't understand what you said. Why don't you take out your middle school textbook and let me have a look! " I think, yes, it's too deep for my mother to understand. Read the middle school textbook first. After reading middle school textbooks for a while, can't you read others? !

I immediately rummaged through the boxes and found out the middle school textbooks-these textbooks have been there for so many years since graduation. Don't show these to my mother. I can't understand them. Just read the liberal arts. Chinese, history, geography, politics and so on. Dust off. It's ready for my mother. From that day on, my mother took a fancy to it Not to mention, my mother is really easy to learn. Although she still watches TV every night, she has to read some books when she goes back to her room to rest after watching TV. Call me every day: "second brother! Bring your history book! " Or "bring your geography textbook!" Wow! Why do you think I have a mother who loves learning so much? "alas!" I promised to send my textbooks to my mother happily every time. My mother put on reading glasses and leaned against the bed to watch. After reading it on the first day, put it on the shelf for me the next day and let my mother return it. Two days later, I asked my mother how the textbook was, and my mother said, "Not bad! This book is very good! "

Two days later, I found that my mother likes reading political textbooks best. Later, every time I wanted books, history and geography, I wanted politics. "Second brother, bring me your political lesson book!" "alas!" The next day, it was the same: "Second brother, bring me your political lesson book!" " ""alas! "oh! I watched it for a week! Gee, it seems that my mother was born at the wrong time! Otherwise how to get a standing committee Dangdang! I was eating at noon that day, and I remember. I joked with my mother and said, "Mom, I think you are very ambitious! Want to be an official, right? "My mother is one leng:" An official? When what officer? Door insertion officer? " "What ah, you see you, watching political lessons every day, is it not to prepare for the immortal? ！” "hey! "My mother smiled." I read political books every day. ""huh? Look at that thing, go to sleep! "-oh, hypnosis? !

2

As the fairy tale says, you can eat big fish and meat without thinking when you eat and sleep. "nonsense"! Fish is not as good as a pimple! Ghosts and ghosts are all fake. Don't trust him, Qian Qian. He ate a mouthful of lean meat. Ouch! "Stuffed Teeth"-The audience applauded!

Another one! I have the ability! Tell you what! This is another one: Hey-I can't stop learning in spring. I can smell birds in that place. When the storm comes at night, little is known about flowers. Ok ~ ~ ~ (call yourself)

Today, I'm going to tell you about a new stand-up comedy called "rumor".

The characters of the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period-America, hehe! When will that thing be in America? Not yet born! But traditional crosstalk always says that, and I can't help it, can I? I don't know what year it is! It's America! Americans all know that wicked thing is proficient in eating, drinking, whoring and gambling! Dally with a good woman, not long ago, an Iraqi girl named Iraq was insulted by him, and she took it for herself. We don't know, and she got into trouble.

An American cola has an accident! As we all know, the strongest army in the world belongs to China ~-Oh, the United States!

19 10, there was a "halley's comet", so it was rumored that it would pass over this unit, and a battalion commander of the unit received an order from his superiors to pass it on to his subordinates; Things started:

Battalion commander to officer on duty: At about 8 o'clock tomorrow night, Halley's Comet will probably be seen around here. This kind of comet can only be seen once every 76 years. Order all soldiers to assemble in the playground in field clothes. I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. If it rains, gather in the auditorium. I will show them a movie about comets.

The officer on duty told the company commander that according to the order of the battalion commander, Comet Halley will appear over the playground at 8 o'clock tomorrow night. If it rains, let the soldiers wear field uniforms and March to the auditorium. This rare phenomenon will appear in the auditorium.

Company commander to platoon leader: According to the battalion commander's order, the extraordinary Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium at 8 o'clock tomorrow night in a field suit. If it rains on the playground, the battalion commander will give another order, which only appears once in 76 years.

Platoon leader to squad leader: At 8 o'clock tomorrow night, the battalion commander will appear in the auditorium with Halley's comet, which only happened in 76 years. If it doesn't rain. The battalion commander will order the comet to put on the field suit and go to the playground.

The squad leader said to the soldiers: If it doesn't rain at 8 o'clock tomorrow night, the famous 76-year-old General Harley, accompanied by comets, will drive his comet car across the playground to the auditorium to "beg for rain".

three

As the saying goes, buying is not as good as selling. It's a famous saying! I don't need to say, everyone here, who hasn't eaten tofu while shopping? What? What does eating tofu mean? Someone used it! This is a fashion word I just learned.

Originally, this businessman naturally used it to do business, just to make a fortune. But a gentleman loves money, so you have to treat it wisely! Now many buyers and sellers are not thinking about how to improve service quality and operate with integrity, but rely on adulteration and fraud to make profits. No, our neighbor, Aunt Zhang, bought three catties of apples in the street the other day, but it took a long time to get 51.3% faster. When she brought it back, she weighed a contract in her own name, two catties and four ounces, which was a loss of 78 cents. Angry Aunt Zhang has high blood pressure. Another time, Miss Xiao Wang of our unit met an orange seller on her way home from work. When she sees that oranges are good, she wants to buy some. However, she can't stand the sweet words of the vendors. She wanted to buy two kilograms, but in the end she was given five kilograms. Of course, the price has to be discussed. The hawker asked for two yuan per catty, and Xiao Wang returned from one quick five to one quick eight. The peddler still refused, and neither of them would give in. Finally, the peddler said in a low voice, "One yuan and eight yuan is fine, but I have to ask you to pay for the scale that sells vegetables over there." Xiao Wang was puzzled and asked him why. The vendor said mysteriously, "There are all eight or two scales there." Hearing this, Xiao Wang was startled and thought that things could not be like that. This account is easy to calculate! According to two pieces, five catties and ten dollars, according to one piece and eight pieces, five catties and nine pieces are cheaper, but when eight or two pieces are weighed, five catties become four catties, which means that one dollar is lost in vain. Xiao Wang graduated from college and is very smart. How could he do such a stupid thing! Before the price was paid back, the vendor weighed himself and went home with oranges.

Supposedly there should be no problem, but Xiao Wang's mother is a careful person. After retirement, she bought food and cooked, and served her husband and children. When I saw my daughter buying a bag of oranges, I took out the shopping convenience scale and made an appointment. Ahem! Three and a half pounds. That guy used seven or two scales.

Losing weight is the most common means. You worked hard for half a day to get the price, and finally he got it back from the scale.

However, whether it is shortweight or adulteration, it is a despicable means. As soon as he makes up for it, he feels indefensible, so he has to coax you, say good words, make you happy, and finally take advantage of you. Although people who buy things are cheated, they can hear a lot of good things, but it is not too bad. And I met such a man, who was not adulterated or short of people, but also angry with you for being cheap, and finally let you suffer. Some people say, how is it possible? If I don't buy it, you can still rob it! You are angry with me, and I am angry with you. It's not necessarily who is angry with whom! But I want to tell you that it's not like that! What's going on here? Let me tell you slowly.

I was riding home after work that day when the phone rang. I took out my mobile phone and saw that it was my wife. I answered quickly. My wife said on the phone that her mother-in-law was ill and had a cold and fever! I just want a bite of frozen pear, and I have to buy it right away. After answering the phone, I hurried to the market. It's getting late and it's getting cold, so I can't buy it right away. If I can't buy it, my wife can't freeze me!

When I got to the market, I went in with a cart. I didn't go far before I saw a frozen pear seller. But there are only three pears, put them on a plate and put them on the ground. The pear seller is a middle-aged man, hanging his head and not looking up, squatting there like a businessman! I went up to the front and saw the pears were good, big and round, so I asked the pear seller how to sell them. "Ten pieces!" . He didn't even look at me, so he said it. I came up as soon as I heard the sound of gas. Isn't this a robbery? This frozen pear is only about three yuan a catty, and these three pears are only a little more than a catty at most. How come ten dollars! I ask again: "How much"? Ten dollars. He still didn't even look up. I said to myself, "sell it yourself"! Pushing a car to the market, I think this person is afraid of mental problems! Who do you sell three pears for ten dollars? Take your time and see which fool will buy your pears.

It is really strange that there is no second seller of frozen pears in the whole market. That guy must know that there is nothing else just now, and he wants to take the opportunity to correct people. I want to leave by bike so that he can go anywhere he wants. On second thought, what about this mother-in-law? I want to go back empty-handed, so it is not a disaster! I can't. I have to hurry to buy it and then sell pears. I am almost there. Take a look. Hi! That guy is eating pears! While peeling the skin, while smoking and persuading. When I walked to the front, I saw that there were only two pears left on the plate. I quickly said that I bought these two pears. How much are they? While stirring the pear water, the man said slowly, "Ten dollars! I'm going to explode! This is not selling pears, this is just robbing with a knife! I was so angry that my mouth trembled and pointed at him and said, "You … you, what do you want?" ! Why don't you rob a bank! Why not rob the gold shop, why not rob ... rob ... "I don't know what to say. The man looked at me with a straight face, and then continued to stir the pear water until he threw away the pear whiskers and began to lick his hands. After licking his hands, he looked up at me, then reached for a pear in the tray, looked around and put it down, and picked up another pear. Oh, my God, I'm almost crazy. How could I meet such a person today! I thought to myself, you eat, don't hold on, even if you give me the pear for free, I don't want it. I got up and turned away. I'm afraid that if something really goes wrong with that guy, I'll blame him.

Walking out of the market, I was about to ride a bike and got off again. I thought, what am I doing? Are you so angry with a pear seller? Not worth it! What does it matter to me that you eat pears? What am I angry about? Don't be angry, go home for dinner and watch TV after dinner. The idea of going home for dinner is over. Why? I remembered my mother-in-law again. You think, an old man is sick and has a fever. He is lying in bed and doesn't want to eat anything. He just wants to eat a frozen pear, so he can't eat it. Why can't he eat? Just because my son-in-law doesn't want to buy it. Am I that stingy? Do I hate my heart that much? Don't! I am usually very filial! Besides, I really dare to provoke my mother-in-law! Dare not! How could I be stupid enough to provoke my mother-in-law? Am I stupid? Can I not know the serious consequences? Thought of here, I quickly turned my head and went to the market without saying anything. I walked into the market and saw that guy eating pears. I just felt dizzy and almost fell down. I stopped to calm down for a while, and then went to the place where pears were sold. There is only one pear left on the plate. I whispered, "I'll take this pear ...".

Ten dollars!

In the old society, all businessmen wanted to get rich. Pay attention to speculation and short selling. Otherwise, why is there such a saying: "No officials are not greedy. No businessman is not a traitor. " He does small business in the street and tries to deceive people.

Those who have been doing small business for a long time pay attention to getting ahead of others: in spring and autumn, he sells things that come first, and in spring, he sells vegetables. What leeks, garlic sprouts, peas ... are all beautifully cut with knives and rulers (referring to scissors and rulers, metaphorically arranged), and they are coiled into a bun. With such a shout, an old lady came out to buy food: "Do you have leeks?" "Yes, you are." "How much is it?" "How much did you buy?" Look! He didn't tell people how much a catty was, but asked them how much to buy first. This place is to deceive people. At first glance, the old lady thought the leek was quite good, and she planned to eat Bao jiaozi: "Well, you can get me twenty cents." The vegetable seller quickly took out a piece of paper from under the bag. Take out three leeks from the luggage bag, wrap them in a piece of paper, hold them in both hands and hand them to the old lady: "Here you are." The old lady looked at it and said, "Hey, how much is this?" "Twenty cents." The old lady was shocked: "Psst! I said, where do you sell ginseng? " "Old lady, this leek is not from China, but imported. You see, even tax is twelve yuan a catty. That is, you can afford it, and the nobles eat expensive things! "

After hearing what he said, the old lady was embarrassed not to eat jiaozi, so she thought, "Come, eat noodle soup as seasoning!" How much do you think he has to earn to sell three leeks for twenty cents?

There is also a small business in the chamber of commerce, and selling "mountain red" to Tianjin is called "red fruit". No matter how much he sold, he strung a string of thin hemp rope into a circle and hung it on his shoulders and arms. Those clothes hangers are hanging on the arm, the big ones are in front, the small ones are in the back, spray and wipe. As soon as I shouted out, I heard this tone: "There are two hangers, alas, the mountains are all red." In fact, he has several hangers on him! He shouted that there were two hangings. But that's what all the sellers of "Mountain Red" shouted. A buyer came over and said, "How much is it?"

"Fifty cents a hang."

The buyer felt that it was not worth it: "How about twenty cents?"

"Hum, you are not enough."

In fact, he sells 15 cents. The buyer left, and he went down again: "You can pay forty cents!" " "

"Don't."

"How about San Mao?"

"If you want to sell it for twenty cents, I'll buy two."

"Get two hangers!"

At this time, wow, his tricks got better: the big one has gone to the back, and the small one has come to the front automatically. The result is still two small pieces. Don't you think this is a lie?

When selling persimmons in autumn, persimmon sellers all shouted, "What a big persimmon, astringent, change it." If it tastes astringent, change the tube. Everyone who buys persimmons should ask this sentence: "Is it astringent?" If he says it is astringent, people will not buy it; If he says it's not astringent, he has to change it for someone else. He answered this sentence well: "Try it!"

When the buyer listens to him, he will not be astringent. Pick it up, "Kangchang" is a bite: "Wow! What a mean guy! Hey, you can change it, hey. " He even said, "Don't eat with skin! Now that the first frost has passed, this persimmon has not been cooked (that is, it does not need boiling water), and it may be a bit astringent (that is, astringent). If you chew off the skin, it won't be astringent. " This is really obedient. He picked up the persimmon, turned it over, and chewed it off. He can't eat even if the middle part is astringent. How come? My tongue is numb: "I can't eat this, please change it!" " "

"How can I change all this for you? Most of this persimmon is left. The skin is gone. Who should I sell it to? "

"Oh, you told me to chew!"

"Yes, I didn't ask you to chew it all. Even if you pinch a little, I can still sell it. Who do you want? Come on, you can make do! "

"Good good! How much is it? "

"Forget it, don't give it."

"No, if I can afford persimmons, I can afford money!"

"Come on, just give me a dime!"

"Well, a dime to eat a astringent persimmon! This one, the more I think about it, the more awkward it is; In a rage, I went into the department store and bought a razor. I said to myself, I told you not to drive today! This one is squatting beside his stall, scraping his tongue. Just then, another buyer came over: "Is it astringent?" "You asked to eat master! "This is really obedient. He came over and asked the tongue scraper, "sir, is this persimmon astringent?" "

This is said in his heart; "You are blind! Didn't you see me scraping my tongue? " Look at him with white eyes: "This persimmon! Not embarrassed! " In fact, he is angry, and this is serious. Pick it up and "Kangchang" took a bite: "Hey, what an asshole! You change it! "

"What's the matter?"

"hey!"

"I didn't tell you not to be astringent, you ask him." The one who scraped his tongue thought,' Yes! "Then he came over and asked the tongue scraper," Well, didn't you tell me that this persimmon is not astringent? "

"ah! Why don't I scratch my tongue? "

"Psst, oh, you two hooked up?"

There is also a small business that specializes in "killing cooked food", that is, the more people who know him well buy his things, the more he counts money. The buyer knows that he is losing money and is embarrassed to say anything. There is also a small business, unfamiliar, pretending to be familiar. Take persimmon sellers as an example. If you set up a stall in the street, you can sell more money with this hand. Our neighbor, Mr. Wang, was fooled by him. One morning, I got up, took a child and went out to buy food with a dollar. As soon as I arrived at the persimmon stall, the persimmon seller rushed over and said hello to Mr. Wang: "Good for you!" " Long time no see! Have you gained weight? Oh, you still have your young master? Come on, come on. Get some persimmons! "This took somebody else's handkerchief and picked up ten big persimmons. Mr. Wang looked at it and said, "Alas! Can't eat so much! " "oh! Take it and eat it, and it will be broken if you put it aside. " "How much is it?" "Why, you also give money, where is this! This is for the young master. " "Oh, no, if you don't want money, I don't want this persimmon either." "Eating a few persimmons is nothing. Come on, I'll borrow a book from you-give me a dollar. Hearing this, Mr. Wang said to himself, "Wow! This time, I asked him to get it. Knowing that he had suffered a loss, he smiled and said, Is there enough money, man? " "oh! What is not enough? Let's eat by ourselves! "When Mr. Wang got angry, he picked it up and left. He also said, "See you tomorrow! "Mr. Wang said to himself, tomorrow, if you strangle me, I won't hit you! As soon as she got home, Mrs. Wang asked, "What do you want to eat? "Mr. Wang wrapped the persimmon at once:" What to eat? Persimmon! "