Li Meijin is a professor of criminal psychology at the People’s Public Security University of China, executive director of the Juvenile Law Research Association of the China Law Society, and a member of the Legal Psychology Professional Committee of the Chinese Psychological Society.

Although Professor Li Meijin’s major is criminal psychology, her views and angles on family education are also quite special.

After a large number of related research, her experience is that children develop behavioral problems or psychological problems, such as truancy, lying, Internet addiction, contradicting parents, running away from home, etc., mostly between the ages of 12 and 18. .

But behavioral problems and related psychological problems in this age group all originate before the age of 12 and stem from the way parents raise their children.

01 Children’s Research: You proposed that the key to children’s education lies in early efforts. It is very important for children to form a good attachment relationship with their parents. How do you understand this?

Li Meijin: Attachment is very important. Attachment means that I don’t need any conditions and I will listen to you willingly.

A situation in our country is that many farmers leave their homeland for the city, leaving their children with the elderly in the countryside. In urban families, when parents are busy with work, they leave their children to kindergartens or the elderly. Both situations will destroy the formation of attachment emotions, resulting in children lacking stable and reliable attachment objects.

Many parents do not pay attention to the development of children's attachment emotions. If a mother sends her child back to her hometown to be raised by the elderly after the child is born, and then takes the child back when he is in school, there may be a lifelong estrangement between the child and the mother. And when children are in adolescence, it is difficult to discipline them.

If parents have conflicts with the elderly, the children may psychologically hate their parents because they lacked emotional attachment to their parents at an early age. Therefore, the key to children's education lies in the parents' efforts in their children's early years to create attachment feelings in their children. In this way, parents form a kind of psychological influence on their children, or psychological capital and psychological control.

Psychological control is different from other kinds of control. Leaders only control the power of subordinates. Subordinates obeying you is just a superior-subordinate relationship, and it does not mean that they really like you in their hearts. If adults have no psychological influence on children, it will be difficult for children to accept the management of adults. Parents' psychological influence on their children can continue into adolescence.

02 Children's Research: You emphasize that parents should personally participate in their children's early education. In reality, it is often the case that the elderly or nannies take care of the children. What do you think?

Li Meijin: If the child is looked after by a nanny, the nanny must be stable and the nanny has not changed since the child was born. The nanny replaces the role of the mother, and the child has an attachment object, not no one.

Although the nanny and the mother exist at the same time, it can still be seen who the child is attached to. There are two situations. If the child sleeps with the mother, even if there is a nanny, the child is still attached to the mother because there is physical contact. If a child sleeps with a nanny, then it is certain that the mother does not play a particularly important role in the child's mind.

Grandparents take care of children, and as children’s attachment objects, they are no worse than mothers. If the grandma is taking care of the child, to the child, the grandma is almost equivalent to the mother, because the mother and the grandma affirm each other emotionally and behaviorally, and can replace each other, becoming the child's attachment object.

If grandma and mother take care of the child at the same time, the child may be in a dilemma as to who is the most worthy of his attachment. Because there are always situations in life where the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not good. This kind of child will become rebellious when he reaches adolescence. He wants to avoid the fight between two women. Of course, if the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is good, the children will not be confused.

03 Children’s Research: Is this problem so serious? In reality, many parents may not be aware of this.

Li Meijin: From a professional perspective, this is indeed the case. I say to many comrades: You are the director of the department now. If you don’t deserve it, someone else will do it tomorrow. It doesn’t matter. But if you don’t do it as a parent, no one can take your place, especially as a mother.

There is another situation that needs to be explained. If a child is placed in an elderly home since childhood, and when the child is 6 years old, the person closest to him passes away, this is very troublesome. Because attachment lasts from birth to 12 years old, the child's attachment object cannot be interrupted. If interrupted, the child will suffer psychological trauma.

So, let the elderly take care of the children, don't leave everything to the elderly. Because once the elderly die early, the children are prone to serious psychological disorders. Moreover, it is best for the elderly taking care of children to be in very good health. If the children are 17 or 18 years old, or at least 15 years old, before leaving, there will be no problem. In many rural areas, parents go out to work, and the children are left with the elderly and follow their grandfathers.

When the child was 8 years old, his grandfather passed away, and the child lost his attachment object. At this time, when the children return to their parents, they will feel strange. From the environment to the people, children will feel strange. As a result, it is easy for a child to not be close to his parents. He hangs out alone, becomes addicted to the Internet, and becomes a criminal.

04 Children's Research: Does the divorce of parents mean that the child loses his attachment object?

Li Meijin: On the one hand, divorce destroys the child's sense of attachment; on the other hand, it causes psychological fear in the child and changes the living environment. Divorce can cause inner conflicts and avoidance of fear in children.

Of course, attachment is just a starting point, and attachment is the capital of education. However, it is also very troublesome if the child is very attached to his parents and the parents have no education level.

05 Children’s Research: What do you think is the role of fathers in children’s growth?

Li Meijin: I think that before the age of 6, the child’s attachment object should be the mother. For children to truly attach themselves to their father, it should be around puberty. Because the roles of the two parents are divided, the mother is more of a life care provider, and the father is more of a role model. My father is more involved in society, so he may be more open-minded in his dealings with others, and not so verbose and detailed. These are exactly complementary to the mother.

When children begin adolescence and enter the society, they need more influence from their fathers. Attachment to my father, I think, is mainly reflected in respect. Fathers must have a sense of authority in their children's hearts. Before the age of 6, the mother is the most important. From 6 to 12 years old, the parents must play a role at the same time. After the age of 12, the father's role becomes even more important.