This book was written by Nicholas Aipli, a professor of psychology and behavioral science at the University of Chicago. Humans are born with "mind reading", that is, subjectively guessing and understanding other people's thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs, but many troubles also come from this. This habit may make friends have tacit understanding, enemies forgive each other, strangers have compassion and colleagues can cooperate, but the problem is that this ability often leads to misunderstandings, unnecessary conflicts and the breakdown of interpersonal relationships.

The question we are concerned about this time is: "Why did good intentions turn into malice?"

"kindness"

You must have had such an experience in your life. You obviously mean well, but in the blink of an eye, others turn your kindness into malice.

Or, you obviously want to help each other, but when you turn around, the other person thinks you are hurting him.

The most typical case is "whether the old people help or not".

On the road, you were walking when suddenly an old man fell down. You want to go over and help him up, but at this moment your brain is reminding you that if you can't help him, his family may misunderstand you.

You think this is possible because there have been similar cases in the news.

Some have settled their grievances, and some have fallen into the center of public opinion and lost money to make amends.

At this time, even if you mean well, you dare not give alms indiscriminately.

So this is our choice when we are faced with something we have learned from the past.

Many times, what you encounter is random, without warning, or the result you never expected, but it just happens.

For example, random situations in love, things that rarely happen twice in the workplace, and abnormal situations between friends. You guess each other with goodwill, help each other with goodwill, but what awaits you in the end is the disappearance of goodwill. In the eyes of others, you have become malicious.

"Malicious"

Between kindness and malice, there is a switch called interpretation.

There are three kinds of common misinterpreted goodwill.

First of all, your expression is incorrect.

For example, there is a saying that everyone shouts, "I am doing this for your own good." However, in the other person's view, "Do I need you for my own good?" Therefore, when your goodwill is not accepted by the other party, goodwill is malice. Although you may have provided real help to each other, you didn't take care of each other's feelings.

As the saying goes, small favors are like enemies, and great favors are like enemies. The latter sentence is easy to understand, but the essence of the former sentence is the word "like". Even a small kindness may be kindness, but it may also be hatred. So be sure to pay attention to your expression.

Followed by emotional interference.

If a person doesn't like you, he has negative feelings for you. Then no matter what you do, even if you mean well, it will cause the other person's negative emotions. In other words, he has feelings for you, so he will interpret it with such feelings, and your kindness will naturally turn into malice.

Finally, comments.

Everyone has his own unique world outlook, otherwise there will be no positive people and negative people. Then, positive people look at everything around them positively. Their mood is naturally full of goodwill. On the contrary, if a person is a sensitive and pessimistic person, then this is the way he interprets the world.

"avoid"

After understanding the three ways in which kindness is misinterpreted, we should stop complaining about what happened in the past, but avoid similar things happening in the future.

First of all, you should pay attention to your expression.

Even if you mean well, you should pay attention to your words. Language that is too temperamental and straightforward will not be accepted. You should pay attention to the occasion and object of your good deeds. Why is it unacceptable to say nice things about others to their face, but more acceptable to say nice things about others behind their backs? This is the subtle difference behind different expressions.

Second, you should learn to recognize negative emotions.

You should be able to perceive who is good to you and who is malicious to you. For those who are malicious to you, you might as well keep a little distance and keep less contact. Because anything you say or do, you may be misinterpreted when you go to him. Reducing contact means reducing the chance of being misunderstood.

Third, you have to understand the source of misinterpretation.

Everyone's perception of the world is different. This difference stems from his past experience. This is what the so-called "once bitten, twice shy" means. When we get along with a pessimistic person, we should know that his misinterpretation is not aimed at you, but at everyone.

To sum up, people are like this, often self-centered, relying too much on stereotypes and judging other people's thoughts and ideas with simplistic assumptions. This is the whole truth that kindness is misunderstood as malice.