Freud, a famous psychoanalyst in the west, divided personality into three elements: id, ego and superego. Id is our innate desire and impulse, which guides our behavior according to the principle of "happiness"; Superego represents conscience and life ideal, and guides our actions according to the principle of "supreme goodness"; Ego is the intermediary between id and superego, and guides our actions according to the principle of "truth". The ego knows what instinctive impulses and desires he has, as well as his conscience and ideals. It also knows that in real life, the instinctive self and the ideal self are often in conflict, so the responsibility of the ego is to follow the principle of reality, adjust and buffer the control between the impulse of the id and the superego, and find a reasonable way to release the original blind impulse of the id. It can be seen that the power of self is very important in the personality structure. If self-development is good, the personality structure will be more balanced. Self-development is not good, either follow the instinctive impulse, or suppress the id, listen to other people's opinions, and have no own opinions.
Laozi, a famous philosopher and founder of Taoism in ancient China, said: People are expensive and have self-knowledge. Those who know others are wise, those who know themselves are clear, those who win others are strong, and those who win themselves are strong. This famous saying shows how important it is for us to know our personal strengths, strengths and weaknesses in the process of interacting with the environment.
In the growth of personal life, in addition to the influence of the environment, many times, our confusion comes from ourselves. Ignorance of self, unwillingness to own self and inability to own self will bring despair to people. People who "don't know who they are" often show no opinion and follow the crowd. This has the advantages of "the law does not blame the public" and "the sky falls with people". Whether you are happy or sad, you are not alone, with a strong sense of security and belonging and good interpersonal relationships. But you will never be a leader, and you will never have a say. Because you have been submerged in the public. People who "don't want to own themselves" don't know their inner needs or their personality characteristics, but just don't want to insist on making decisions and choices by themselves. Because choice is a kind of freedom and a kind of responsibility. It takes courage and courage to admit and stick to yourself, and you need to be responsible for your choices. Unwilling to have myself is afraid of taking the responsibility of choice, so I would rather give up the freedom and power of choice and listen to everyone's decision to relieve psychological pressure. People who "can't own themselves" are people who can't insist on choosing and bear the consequences of choosing. Choosing yourself means getting rid of familiar people and surrounding environment, being independent, enduring others' incomprehension and misunderstanding, and even loneliness. So not everyone can find themselves and realize themselves. Social elites are often people with strong self-awareness, who can actively adapt to the society, surpass and lead the society.
In your case, your confusion may belong to the latter two. But it doesn't really matter which one we belong to. Although our self-awareness begins to sprout at about 2 years old, it will accompany our life-long growth. We will lose ourselves at many ages, such as thinking about whether I am a boy or a girl when I am around 3 years old. Adolescence will think about what kind of lover or friend I am looking for. I get anxious when I'm young. What kind of university and major should I choose? After graduation, I will worry about what kind of job I should look for. What kind of spouse? Should I get married naked, hide, shine or not? Do I want one or two children or one person? What should I do if my body is uncomfortable and my spirit is not exciting when I enter menopause? How to update the relationship between husband and wife in empty nest families when children go to college in other places? How to provide for the aged after retirement? Life is full of problems, but every problem can't be solved without self-questioning and reflection. Therefore, this problem is not your own trouble, nor is it your trouble at the moment. We are growing all our lives, and we need to learn all our lives. I recommend you to read two books: Meeting the Unknown Self by Taiwan Province Province and Zhang Defen, and The Meaning of Self by Fu Peirong in Mainland China.
I wonder if what I said above can help you untie your heart. I hope you can find yourself, realize yourself and live a happy life in the future.