There is a fire in everyone's heart, and people passing by only see smoke. ——Van Gogh

R: Original text fragment

Arguing with self-criticism

Although it is necessary for us to stand from an objective perspective and consider whether we have made obvious mistakes , and thus being rejected, in order to avoid these mistakes in the future, but doing so requires very fine skills. We often overestimate our responsibility in trying to figure out “what went wrong,” or become overly self-critical as a result. In fact, this is unnecessary. Finding fault with our character, appearance, or behavior can only aggravate our current pain, deepen our emotional wounds, and delay the healing of our injuries. Therefore, when it comes to evaluating our role in rejection, we should still be honest, be kind to ourselves, and not dwell on any faults or shortcomings.

Nonetheless, the impulse to self-criticism remains powerful in such situations. To avoid rubbing salt into our own wounds, we must be able to “argue” with our self-critical voice and see the problem from a more tolerant and kind perspective. In order to win this inner debate, we need to think through it all and develop a more objective understanding of the reasons for rejection.

Exercises in arguing with self-criticism

1. Make a list (in writing) of any negative or self-critical thoughts you have about being rejected.

2. For different rejection situations, use the "refute" self-criticism method, combining various possible methods to refute all the self-critical thoughts you listed.

3. When you have a self-critical thought, be sure to formulate your rebuttal in your mind immediately, fully and clearly.

Book opener Liu Juanyuan:

When we are rejected, we often feel very frustrated, so we fall into the quagmire of self-criticism and denial, thinking that it is our own fault and mistake. , which led to being ignored and rejected, leading to regret and self-blame. Excessive self-judgment will only expand and deepen the emotional wounds caused by the tragedy, which is not conducive to wound healing and our growth.

So how do you argue with self-criticism?

1. List in writing any self-judgmental thoughts that arise from your rejection.

2. Disprove the self-judgmental thoughts you wrote in every possible way you can think of.

3. Whenever you have a negative thought, you must immediately elaborate your counter-arguments fully and clearly.

a1My story:

Please see the picture above.

In my live English class, I planned a 5-minute sharing before class. 29 students submitted their works. I am happy to hear their youthful voices in my classroom. It starts like this: I first ask everyone if they would like to share in class. Among the students in Class 6, only one was happy, and that was my class representative. All 13 other classmates rejected me. Three of the 16 classmates in Class 8 clearly rejected me.

At that time, I felt lost, sad and inferior. Don’t young people nowadays like to express themselves? I am willing to give them some of my classroom time, which will make my classroom more active and colorful. But why were they so "heartless" and decisively rejected me and the opportunity? !

After studying this excerpt, I also learned a "method of arguing with self-criticism" from book-opener Liu Juanyuan. To refute your irrational thoughts, learn to reconcile with yourself in a neutral attitude, and let Negative thoughts are no longer valid to restore inner peace.

1. List in writing any self-critical thoughts that arose after the rejection.

1.) Lost. Students do not want to be on the same channel as me, are not enthusiastic and do not participate in my class activities. But I always keep them in mind!

2.) Sad. I love them and they only love themselves. Not helping my classroom teaching.

3.) Inferiority. I'm not charming enough, I'm not strong enough, I don't have leadership appeal, and I'm not powerful enough, so they don't care about my activities.

4.) Resentment. Isn’t this arrangement just so that they can have more opportunities to learn English and show off their talents? But why don't you understand me? ! I have a hot face but a cold butt, but they don't know the heart of a good person.

2. Use every possible way you can think of to overturn the thought of writing a self-judgment.

1) They may love me in their hearts but not say it with their mouths.

2) Maybe they think that listening quietly to me is the best way of support they can do, and it is the expression of their love.

3) Maybe they feel more inferior than me. You may think that their English speaking skills are not good, their expressions are not good, and they have nothing to say.

4) Maybe they have other ways to show themselves that are more fun. For example, communicating with classmates in class, and tinkering with station B anchors, etc.

Through such a kind of neutral and peaceful self-talk, the emotions calm down and the mood becomes more peaceful.

a2 My future actions

We all know that the new coronavirus is raging now. This virus is not very contagious. It is estimated that the new coronavirus will still be around for a long time. If it cannot be cured, it must be eradicated.

In the past few years, we have developed the habit of traveling by car during summer vacation. In such an extraordinary period, I would like to advise my family to cancel their summer vacation travel.

I plan to put forward my suggestions during lunch today. I would say something like this: "This year's situation is very special. The new coronavirus is very serious. I thought about our annual summer vacation trip. We can cancel it this year. Without knowing its origin and there is no effective vaccine, the current The environment is really unsafe. I think life is more precious than traveling. Do you think it would be nice to cancel this summer vacation?”

After my husband rejects some suggestions, my feelings are usually:

1. Frustrated. I was rejected again, I felt so embarrassed. That man is a male chauvinist. Headstrong and determined to have his own way.

2. Unhappy. He doesn't love me anymore.

3. Find your own freedom. Leave him alone, I will never care about what he likes to do. I only do things I love. First of all, you have to be happy.

When experiencing negative emotions, it means that we need to make some changes and we need to adjust our behavior and mental state. I'm taking what I learned today and I'm going to write it down to overturn my self-judgmental thoughts in every possible way I can think of.

1. How does being rejected mean that you lose face? I often reject other people's suggestions and requests.

2. Everyone has his own bottom line of principles. Loving someone is not about unconditionally accommodating and accepting without reason.

3. To love someone is to have an independent space, but you must also learn to share. Properly creating confession opportunities and participating in common activities can further enhance family intimacy.