In Key Dialogue, I saw another art of speaking. It is different from the smooth and sophisticated way of pandering to others and flattering others, but it makes everyone feel comfortable, dissolves the war invisibly, often "turns the enemy into a friend", turns the crisis into a turning point, and makes things develop in a better direction.
1 what is a "key conversation"?
In the book "Key Conversations: How to Communicate Effectively", the definition of "Key Conversations" is as follows:
"Key Conversations refer to the interaction with others that will happen to everyone, and refer to those daily conversations that can affect your life ... Key conversations have three characteristics: one is that there is a big gap between the two sides of the conversation, the other is that there are high risks in the conversation, and the third is the emotions of both sides of the conversation.
2 why do we always lose the chain at critical moments?
The book Key Conversations points out that each of us usually has three kinds of reactions when facing key conversations:
1) escaping
2) daring to face but not handling properly
3) daring to face and handling properly
We all long for the third way of dialogue, but in fact, the third way is not our innate ability; When dialogue becomes critical, we often have the first two bad performances, and the reasons are as follows:
(1) Human genes.
The Key Dialogue points out that when facing the key dialogue, we often subconsciously take the most primitive way when human beings face danger-violent confrontation or turning around and running away, instead of rationally and properly solving the problem.
do you feel a force pushing you to escape quickly, but you can only stay where you are? Even for a moment, your mind went blank and you couldn't think normally?
(2) Stress makes us almost idiots
In general, key conversations often occur spontaneously and without warning: if we have no training, we will often become complete idiots only by instinct.
It is pointed out in Key Conversations that when we encounter a tough problem and an unforgiving opponent in a key conversation, our body's instinctive reaction is that blood quickly flows back to our limbs to escape. At this time, the highly ischemic brain can't work, which leads to short circuit of our thinking and even makes you feel "mind blank".
(3) We are stumped by key conflict issues
Another important reason is that we lack successful experience in dealing with key dialogues.
In the book Key Conversations, the author also points out that, firstly, we don't know how to start key conversations, and secondly, we rarely see a successful communication model in real life: because there is no correct model in our mind, we can only react by instinct and make inappropriate treatments with any emotional constraints.
Just like when you were young, maybe you had a conflict with your classmates: your parents tend to let you suppress your anger and stay out of trouble; The teacher didn't encourage you to discuss the problem openly, but tended to let things go smoothly. "Both sides in the fight were criticized" and wrote a review ... < P > This seems to be an important lesson missing from our education since childhood. Growing up, we are rarely educated to face conflicts directly, let alone cultivate the ability to discuss openly in emotional conflicts.
3 how to master key conversations?
1) Create a safe atmosphere
The book Key Dialogue points out that the key to a successful dialogue lies in the free exchange of relevant information, that is, both parties are willing to openly and frankly express their views, share their feelings and make their own guesses.
When faced with pressure from customers at work, you might as well answer: "The question you said confuses me. I don't particularly understand it. Can you elaborate? In this way, the other party is likely to clarify his needs and tell his true thoughts.
2) Find * * * to enjoy the viewpoint
The Key Dialogue points out that experts will try their best to create a safe atmosphere so that both parties are willing to add information to * * * to enjoy the viewpoint library, and "* * * to enjoy the viewpoint library" is just the premise to realize the "synergy effect".
after the other party clarifies their demands, the first thing to do is to make the other party feel safe. Next, it is to create a * * * view library, and find the common interests of each other, for example, "I can understand your feelings and feelings, and our common goal is to solve your problem."
3) The stupidest behavior is to force the other person to accept our point of view.
Many times in real work and life, we are eager to force the other person to accept our point of view, which leads to constant conflicts. In this era of language, language can be the most powerful encouragement and support, and it can also be the most hurtful weapon.
When faced with other people's different opinions and comments, verbal hints, satires, criticisms and even direct provocations are all that they are eager to express their views and try to force the other party to accept their views, and in order to attract the other party's attention, they will not hesitate to swear.
In the face of other people's excessive language comments, we should analyze whether it is a "key dialogue": are there different opinions? Do you have strong emotions? Is there a huge risk (which has a great impact on you)?
Obviously, a fierce comment meets the first two conditions, but if you think that this comment is not enough to affect your normal work and life, it is not a "key conversation": the best way to deal with it at this time is not to respond and let it be boring.
4 How to cultivate an important core ability of "talking"
1) Behind the speaking ability is a clear sense of purpose
In the workplace, when we are attacked by words, we often have short circuits of thinking, and we either "fight" or "escape" on impulse: however, whether we fight or escape, it is often ourselves who suffer losses.
According to the core point of the book Key Conversations: How to Communicate Effectively, many times, the reason why we have a verbal collision is that we don't know the goal of the conversation.
whether in work or in life, we often forget our goals, so we let our emotions lead us to the point of irretrievability. A real conversationalist can always capture the needs of the other party and quickly sort out the conversation goals.
2) Dealing with interpersonal conflicts requires strong thinking
From the book Key Conversations: How to Communicate Effectively, a super practical method, "Three Steps to Deal with Conflicts", has been refined.
1. Pay attention to your real purpose
The last thing you want to achieve these goals is unnecessary anger.
2. Reject "fool's choice"
The so-called "fool's choice" is an either-or choice: if you look closely, it is not difficult to find that many people are caught in conflict because they are caught in binary opposition choices and have not expanded their more valuable and meaningful goals.
3) The core of high EQ lies in clear mind
(1), recognition of emotions, moderate praise
(2), admission of inadequacy, sincere apology
(3), positive attitude, and scenario application
: How to resolve unnecessary conflicts?
One day, as usual, Tong Tong came to the ward to deliver medicine to Mr. Wang, and Mrs. Wang (Mr. Wang's wife), who was watching from the side, glared at her and said,
"What's the matter with you little girl? The doctors here all said that my husband had stopped taking medicine. Why did you come to give us medicine again? I wonder if you are crazy about money? There is a commission for promoting these drugs, right? ！”
Tong Tong thought for a moment and said with a smile, "You are Mrs. Wang, whom our director often talks about. They praised you for your temperament and good memory. You really learned today. I can understand your feelings at the moment.
It is possible that the attending physician told you orally about stopping the drug, but the doctor's order has not been stopped, and our nurses have not heard the news. Thanks to your reminder, I immediately contacted the doctor and asked her to stop the doctor's order in the system. In the future, our work will be more careful. I am sorry to worry you. "
In this way, a conflict and crisis will disappear.
People who can cope with conflicts are oriented by paying attention to tasks and objectives, and then find their own and each other's similar demands, adjust their state at any time, effectively help each other solve problems, and establish good interpersonal relationships with each other.
It is not so much that they have high emotional intelligence, but rather that they have a clear mind, mastered a large number of models and methods, and practiced them repeatedly in practice, so that they can cope freely in the relationship, turn danger into danger and turn enemies into friends.