Listening Notes "Self-Driven Growth"

Authors: William Stixrud; Menade Johnson

Source: Fan Deng Reading< /p>

Word count 3036

Focus on artificial intervention in children and putting too much pressure on children will destroy the normal development of the child's brain and make the child more anxious and depressed. Correctly guiding children to self-motivate and cultivating their sense of control, responsibility, and autonomy is the correct model to bring positive growth to children.

001 Parents’ Problems

1. Sometimes we hope that our children can manage themselves, but in fact we pay careful attention to their homework, extracurricular activities and friends. and comprehensive management.

2. Even if parents try their best, sometimes they still feel that they have not obtained what they want and have not achieved the goals or goals they want.

3. Every time you hear your child say the word "boring", you will feel extremely angry. Because "boring" is a very derogatory word in this society, which means incompetence. People often compete with each other to see who is busier, as if their worth depends on how busy they are.

002 Parents’ mistakes:

1. The road to success is a single-plank bridge. Children must not be squeezed out - go to prestigious schools, take various entrance exams, and buy school districts. Housing, various cram schools...

2. If you want to have a better life, you need to perform well in school - too many children are not forced to be too impatient, Just break it by yourself, they say, that’s it, whatever you want!

3. The harder we push and the harder we push, the more promising our children will be and the more successful they will be when they grow up. ——The exam for this certificate and that certificate.

4. Today’s world is much more dangerous than in the past. Parents must keep an eye on their children, otherwise they will be harmed. ——The more parents become helicopter parents, hovering around and above their children all day long.

003 The Structure of the Brain

Part One: The Prefrontal Cortex of the Brain - This is the main difference between us and other animals. This part governs language, logic and reasoning. All of our decisions are made by the prefrontal cortex. It allows us to be calm, rational and sane. But it has a weakness - it malfunctions when the pressure is too great.

Part 2: The Amygdala - Hidden in the Back of the Brain. It is responsible for releasing emotions. If a child is stressed out, the amygdala will grow, he or she will be irritable, and he or she may yell or hide. Because when you are stressed, the rational prefrontal cortex stops working and is handed over to the emotional amygdala. The amygdala secretes cortisol, which can usually remain at high concentrations for several days.

High levels of cortisol weaken the cells of the hippocampus.

Part 3: The hippocampus—where memories are created and stored. In times of acute stress, various learning disabilities can occur.

This is how the brain works.

Teacher Fan Deng used a very interesting method to identify and explain the structure of the brain. He said that if you put your thumb in the palm of your hand and make it into a fist, the hidden thumb is the amygdala. The four fingers are the prefrontal cortex, and the big fish mark on the thumb (the fattest muscle of the thumb) is the hippocampus.

If the child is angry, the hidden thumb will start to grow longer and fatter, while the other four fingers will be stretched out, and the big fish mark will start to get smaller and smaller. With this explanation, children can understand the structure of the brain.

004 Methods to promote brain work

The method to promote the prefrontal cortex of the brain is to increase the child's sense of control. It is to let children have the right to choose and do their own things. When a child looks calm, rational, mature, and looks like an adult, that's when his prefrontal cortex is growing.

If adults deprive children of their sense of control. She scolded him and threatened him all day long, always saying that I would give you away or push you out of the door. Having your child feel nervous and stressed with you. So as mentioned in the above section. When a person is nervous or under great pressure, the prefrontal cortex will stop working. It will stop developing, and control will immediately be handed over to the amygdala.

The amygdala is a structure present in the brains of almost all animals. Its mission is twofold: "fight or flight." Therefore, children either lose their temper and are irritable, or they are silent and silent, or they are flattery, pretending to cater to their parents, and pretending to be particularly well-behaved. In fact, I want to get through this stressful period quickly and safely.

However, it is during this process that both the prefrontal cortex, which manages memory, and the hippocampus, which manages memory, are damaged.

The book says that many teenagers commit suicide because of the gradual accumulation of the above-mentioned pressures.

005 Classification of Stress

1. Positive Stress - In this stressful situation, you have developed your ability to adapt and can quickly increase cortisol to cope with this stress. , can also quickly reduce and restore cortisol, so that stress will not destroy you.

(In "The Front and Side of Zeng Guofan" I am watching, Zeng Guofan is a master at handling this kind of pressure. He often turns pressure from all aspects into positive pressure that can promote himself forward. His There is a famous saying: "A hero's teeth will be knocked out and his blood will be swallowed", this is what it means)

2. Withstand pressure - refers to the ability to withstand a little bit of damage within a certain range. As long as it does not exceed this range, the child can recover. But if it exceeds this range, the child will be completely harmed, sometimes irreversibly.

3. Toxic stress - when the tolerable pressure exceeds the range and causes irreparable damage, it is called toxic stress. The book believes that the adolescent brain is most likely to receive toxic stress during the process of being affected. (This passage can explain why almost all adolescent experts and psychologists, like Li Meijin, have called for attention to the problems of left-behind children. questions, all appeal to the principle that children need companionship during their early childhood and adolescence).

006 N·U·T·S

The book summarizes some reasons for children’s stress and categorizes them from the NUTS perspective:

N——novelty : New situation, new environment, new changes.

U——unpredictability: Unexpected, beyond expectations.

T——threat to the ego: may be hurt, threatened, pressured.

S——sense of control: This thing exceeds one's ability and control.

Two sentences interpreted by 007 Fan Deng

The first sentence is: "I love you so much, I don't want to quarrel with you over homework!"

< p> This is the most wonderful sentence that Fan Deng came up with when interpreting this book.

He said that the biggest task of parents is to love their children, and this matter should be placed in the most important position, not homework or grades.

Think about it, if your child is sick, is your first concern about his health or his grades?

And Fan Deng wants us to imagine the other way round: if one day you get off work, you are so tired that you sit on the sofa and don’t want to talk. Your son comes over and asks you: How was your performance today? Did the boss of your unit say anything about you? Did your salary and bonus increase this month? Is it higher or lower than others?

If it were you, what would you think?

Hahaha, this perspective is really amazing.

Fan Deng suggested: The greatest education parents can give their children is love and patience.

If a child does not want to study, no matter how hard you force him, he will not study even if he is admitted to college. On the other hand, the pressure you put on him is not that great. Children are always seeking knowledge and curiosity. One day, he will take the initiative to explore the world, and he will grow up on his own. Therefore, we can neither be authoritarian, indulgent, or hands-off when dealing with children. Learn to let go gradually and gradually guide your child to take control.

Another sentence given by Fan Deng is: "You have your own little head on your neck!"

008 Non-anxious presence

In the book Said: 50% of children's anxiety is transmitted from their parents.

What this sentence means is that there is not so much pressure in the world of children. But children's stress often comes from their parents' tantrums. Parents lose their temper due to various problems in life, work, money, and interpersonal relationships. Many times anger is transferred to children. This is called second-hand pressure.

Just as the principles of brain development mentioned above, children who grow up in this stressful environment for a long time will eventually be infected with this kind of anxiety, irritability and emotion.

But the human trait of calmness can also be inherited. Psychology calls it “non-anxious presence.” When the parent is calm, the emotional child feels at ease when he has a "non-anxious presence" parent by his side every time. You will feel safe, and stress cortisol will be relieved immediately.

Therefore, as parents, we must become the "non-anxious presence" of our children. They are willing to be around us, feel at ease, feel happy, willing to be in our arms, and willing to be happy with us. Instead of being nervous, avoiding us, or sweating when you see us!

Because we have achieved "non-anxiety presence", home is the most secure and safe place for children.

Fan Deng still gives parents an important piece of advice in the book:

Take care of yourself!

If you don’t want your children to look at your phone, the best way is to stop looking at your phone all day long!

There are other good contents, but I won’t list them one by one.

009 Summary

1. The brain is composed of: prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus.

2. Losing your temper and being stressed will cause the amygdala, which should be hidden, to come out to work and secrete a large amount of cortisol to cope with this challenge. Either fight or flight. But cortisol has side effects on both the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus.

3. Based on the original intention of loving children, try to encourage them, give them peace of mind and confidence, so that they can bear less damage from stress, let them avoid the damage of harmful stress, and allow them to control their own stress. The brain turns stress into positive pressure that promotes your own progress.

I should read this book again! Many, many truths are actually aimed at me.