I think this is a very good thing, and this is great wisdom.
But I think there is a step in the middle.
As ordinary people, our first reaction to being accused is usually anger. Although many people may not be able to fight back, there is anger.
How to make a person not angry when he is accused? First, he must have enough ability to go back, and then he may choose not to go back.
If he doesn't have the ability to kill each other, the "not angry" at this time is full of self-consolation and sour grape effect:
I don't want to go back because I am advanced, not because I am incompetent.
It feels like you go to the mall and don't buy anything. It's totally different to take money with you and go without it.
You have enough money in your pocket to go to the shopping center without buying anything. You can say you despise these tasteless clothes.
But there was no money in my pocket to go shopping in the mall, and then I said I didn't like these tasteless clothes. We have reason to suspect that your expression is not that simple.
So I think, to cultivate the ability not to get angry after being accused, we must first cultivate the ability to turn back.
And the highest state of going back is: strangle each other without saying anything.
You say a word when the wind is light and the clouds are light, and the other person blushes, breathless and speechless. This feeling is very cool.
For example, Mozi's public loss, Mozi easily saved the public loss: "The public loss plate set up nine siege, and Mozi was nine times away." The attack of the bus plate is exhausted, and Mozi's defense is more than enough. "
The same is true of the Monkey King's famous saying in Journey to the West: You fell before I worked hard.
Secondly, when you know how to kill each other, you can know how to truly understand and comfort each other and how to establish a relationship with him in one sentence.
You need to know:
A master of detoxification must be a master of poison first;
Great engineers used to be the king of destruction;
An excellent surgeon must first have the following abilities:
If you are angry, stab thirteen times, and the knife avoids the key. It hurts you to death, but I won't let you die, so there's no need to give a heavy sentence.
0 1
To study how to choke each other with one sentence, first of all, you should know why you are angry when others accuse, deny and criticize you.
Anger is generated like this:
1. You subconsciously agree with what he said.
For example, will you be angry if a person contemptuously calls you fat?
See if you really feel fat.
If it is, you will be angry.
If not, you will only hehe.
If a person says you are lazy, selfish, lewd, dishonest and self-centered, will you be angry?
You will be angry only if you don't want to admit that you are like this.
If you are really not what he said and your heart is open, why are you so excited?
The denial and accusation of others are just different from what you think of you. Angry when you disagree? Others have no right to judge you?
You attack yourself first, and then you will be attacked by him.
For example, if a person says you are fat, will you be angry?
It also depends on whether you feel fat or not.
If you feel fat, you will be happy, even if he is contemptuous. If you think being fat is bad, you will get angry.
For example, people often say to me contemptuously, "What's the big deal about having money?" I am very happy.
For example, some people say, "Why don't you get married when you are 30 years old?" "You are still floating in Beijing when you are 30 years old." Some people get angry when they hear it.
Angry people attack themselves first, thinking that it is not good not to get married at the age of 30, and it is not right to float around Beijing and not go home.
If you firmly know that this is the love of freedom and the pursuit of dreams, if you enjoy yourself in this state, you will not be angry, but will only think hehe.
If you are angry, it is because you feel terrible.
Such as laziness, selfishness and dishonesty. You react to such criticism, but you also think that "selfishness is bad" and "people should keep their promises". You have the same rules as him.
You don't like selfish yourself, and you don't like untrustworthy yourself.
All the hurt after being accused is because you blame yourself first. I think this is not good first, so I won't let others say it.
You needed him, but he didn't satisfy you.
You agree with him, but you are not good. So you want him to shut up and stop saying that.
You are angry because you have expectations for him, and you hope he won't say you are not good. You want him to shut up. If he has to talk, he can only say hello, not bad.
When you are angry and hurt, it is actually because you are expecting him to recognize you.
At the moment, you need him very much.
He also has expectations for you.
When a person expresses his opinion, he subconsciously wants you to agree. So when you refute, he further wants to realize his expectations and intensify his attack on you. He needs your permission.
And your rebuttal is actually to further realize your expectations and meet your recognized needs.
You two need each other and argue with each other. Two dolls, euphemistically and seriously expressing "people need you so much", are also very cute.
02
When you know how your anger is generated, it's easy to turn back.
1. Disagree
You have an opinion of me, and I have an opinion of me.
You think I'm fat and I think I'm thin.
You think I'm a selfish person, and I think I'm just selfish to you.
You think I'm breaking my word. I just didn't keep my promise this time, but I am a man of my word. I can't do it, and I don't need to keep my promise in everything.
You think I'm lazy, but I just can't meet your standards.
You express yours, and I believe mine. We just have different views.
Anger will disappear when you can distinguish other people's opinions from your own. Because you don't agree, you can't get in.
What others said was blocked by your firm heart, and he just said a lie.
Don't expect.
I can identify with myself, so I don't have to expect you to identify with me.
Many people like me, many people recognize me, and of course many people hate me. I don't have to expect everyone to think I'm good. At this moment, I don't expect you to think I am good.
At this moment, I put you down, and you must realize my needs.
Don't attack yourself
It doesn't matter if I am a selfish, dishonest and unmarried fool, a prodigal son and a playboy at the age of 30.
Everyone has this side, but everyone can admit it. Who has no selfish side, who has no playboy side, who has never broken his word.
One thing can't represent a person, and no one can play a certain trait to the absolute value. There are advantages and disadvantages, which is normal.
When you can accept yourself and don't attack yourself, other people's attacks are invalid. Even if what he said is true, he just described a fact.
Based on these three points, you can go back in one sentence:
Yes, that's who I am.
Yeah, I'm just fat.
Yes, it's amazing that I have money.
Yes, I'm selfish.
Yes, I'm just a man who doesn't keep his word.
Yeah, I'm just a gangster.
..... You are absolutely right.
Then he got angry. This feeling is like punching holes in cotton.
Tai Chi and Muay Thai are two routines, both of which are very powerful.
The routine of Muay Thai is fast, accurate and hard. The way to defeat the opponent is to respond positively to the opponent and rely on your own powerful strength to give him a head-on blow. This requires that your constitution is strong enough, and if it is not strong enough, you will suffer greatly.
Tai Chi, on the other hand, follows your strength. If you fight like this, I will pull you to continue fighting like this, and then you will be pushed down by your own strength. Of course, I haven't practiced. I am talking nonsense. )
The battle of language is the same as the battle of body. If you attack me, I will do as you say and let you fail.
You prepared a series of accusations against me, but I admitted it in the first round. If the laundry list you prepared behind wants to accuse me, I'll leave it with you and I can't get out.
Of course, some people are tenacious and strong. If they don't choke to death, they will rebound: you know, why don't you change?
Then one more sentence: I can't help it, I am willing.
03
If you want to further upgrade the "choking to death" skill, you can attack him actively before he recovers.
The second form of choking sentence is: praise in public and belittle in secret.
Selfishness is wrong.
Then you must be selfless. Well, it's amazing.
Laziness is wrong.
Then you must be diligent, well, great.
What's the big deal about being rich?
Then you must be poor. It's amazing.
It's not good not to get married at 30.
Then you must have got married before you were 30. It's amazing.
......
You will find it difficult for the other party to refute your attack. Because his arrogant evaluation of you is guilty.
He can't be absolutely selfless, rich, trustworthy and diligent.
The reason why a person will accuse you, attack you and deny you is actually because he has a lot of self-denial in his subconscious.
He can't digest such self-denial, so he will pass it on to you, and you think I'm fine by attacking me.
He doesn't like himself who has no money, so he has to comfort himself by saying "What's the big deal about having money".
It's hard for him to accept that you return this part. This guilt is worse than anger.
Subconsciously, he always thinks that "selflessness will be liked", "diligence will be liked" and "singleness will be liked". These are noble and correct, and only in this way can people like them.
But your mixed attitude clearly tells him that even if you achieve these excellent qualities, I will not like you and I will despise you.
The trauma of his early abandonment was instantly activated.
How do you feel?
If it is not bad, please give me six words silently: hahahahahahaha.
04
You're finished. Are you feeling all right? Having said that, let's talk about something serious: how to resolve accusations and establish relationships?
In fact, I really praised him. A person denies you because subconsciously he just wants you to praise him.
He doesn't always have the ability to express this demand, so he wants to highlight himself by denying you.
Now that you have studied psychology, you can see the real needs behind him through his inconsistent expression. What he accuses you is actually what you need to praise him.
He accuses you of being lazy, but in fact he just wants to hear your sincere praise that he is really diligent.
He said you were not married at the age of 30, but in fact he just wanted to hear your envy. He got married early.
He may not be aware of these needs, but you find it most effective and useful to praise him in this direction.
Because he really needs it, but he may be subconsciously ashamed to express it, so he dare not admit it.
After you praise him and look at his happy expression, you will know that he really needs it.
But for those who have decided not to establish a relationship, if you are angry and just want to get back at them and have some fun, kill them in one word.
You have to believe that everyone is tolerant of injuries. It's like losing a fight with someone, and he will stand up the next day.
It's time to love and it's time to love. I am very happy. Why not?