On the road, the child pointed to the person in front and said to his mother,

"Look, mom, there is no hair on that person's head!"

"Keep your voice down, it's not good to be heard."

mom said, "what? Doesn't he know it himself? "

2. Subtraction

In math class, the teacher said to a student, "How come you can't even subtract? For example, you have ten apples at home, and

you ate four. What was the result? "

The student said gloomily, "The result was ten hits!"

3. Northwest wind

Teacher: Southeast wind blows in summer and northwest wind blows in winter, please remember.

student: no, my mother said that she married my father and drank northwest wind all year round.

4. And

a fool learned to talk like a parrot and told a proverb: "A cat is a tiger in the eyes of a mouse, but a mouse in the eyes of a snow leopard."

Others joked with him: "So, what kind of animal is this?"

The fool said solemnly, "And this animal is bigger than a cat and smaller than a mouse. "

5. Composer

Student:" Teacher, I have dreamed that I became a composer. Excuse me, how can I turn my dream into reality? "

Teacher:" Sleep less! "

6. So

A milkman posted this one:

" If you drink a glass of milk every day for three months, you will certainly live to be old! "

7. knowledge of ticket price

I invited a friend who had never seen a movie to see a movie. During the film screening, there was a scene in which the heroine < P > was lying in the bath. He suddenly stood up when he saw this shot, then sat down again and said to himself, "No wonder the ticket upstairs is more expensive than the one downstairs."

8. Roast suckling pig

A certain gentleman is late for dinner. After sitting down in a hurry, I saw the roast suckling pig in front of me, so I said with great pleasure; "Not bad,

I sat next to the suckling pig. As soon as the words were exported, I found a fat lady glaring at each other. He quickly said with a smiling face. "I'm sorry, I mean the one that's cooked."

9. Second glance

"A few days ago, I met a girl, and I fell in love with her at first sight."

"that's good! But why didn't you marry her? "

"I gave her a second look."

1. Objection

A remote and backward mountain village is going to install electric lights, which should be taken from a town 3 miles away. Some people in the village raised

objections to this: "Oh, my God! Waiting for it to come from that far away every night, at least in the middle of the night, when we

are already asleep, why light the lights! "

11. anecdotes of celebrities

one day an acquaintance called at Mendeleev's house, and he kept talking.

"am I boring you?" The guest finally asked.

"no, I didn't ...... where were you?" Mendeleev replied,

"Go ahead, go on, you don't hinder me, I'm thinking about my own business ..."

12. Causality

"Why is your hair getting less and less every day?"

"Because I have worries every day."

"What do you worry about every day?"

"I'm worried that my hair is getting less and less every day!"

13. Buttons

"Husband, all the buttons on my coat have fallen off. It's really embarrassing to wear it."

"Never mind, I will go tomorrow. "

" what? A new coat? "

"No, new buttons."

14. The Best Tailor

On the same street in London, there lived three tailors.

One day, a tailor hung a sign in his window, which said, "The best tailor in London."

Another saw it and put up a sign on the same day, which said, "The best tailor in England."

The third tailor saw it and thought for a long time.

a few days later, he also put up a sign that said, "The best tailor in this street."

15. Similarity

A: "Who is that ugly guy sitting in the front row?"

b: "that's my brother."

a: "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so much alike."

16. A slip of the tongue after drinking

Two drunkards were chatting together.

"damn me! I made a slip of the tongue after drinking that day and told my wife that I had been married before. "

"I deserve to die! I made a slip of the tongue after drinking and told my wife that I planned to get married again in the future. "

17. Special dishes

The hostess said to the maid, "We have guests over for dinner tonight. See what special dishes you can cook. "

maid:" yes, madam. Do you want the guests to eat and come back, or never? "

18. Husband's friend

When the valente family were about to have lunch, the hostess standing by the window sill suddenly called to her husband," Hey, Nick, your

friends are here, and I bet they haven't eaten yet! "

"hurry!" The host immediately stood up, and everyone took toothpicks and sat in the living room.

19. Almost

The father said to the children doing their homework, "What's up? "

The child said," Almost.

father:' almost' is not a good statement, so be more precise. "

Child:" Yes, Dad, it has been done correctly. "

Father:" Well, that's more like it. "

2. Circus

" Dad, let me play the big bear in the circus. "

"then what?"

"You play the uncle who plays with the bear and keeps stuffing delicious food into my mouth."

21. Tooth extraction

The dentist said to the patient, "Don't be afraid, come and have a glass of wine to calm down. "

After waiting for the patient to drink wine, after a while, he asked," What do you think now? "

" Who dares to pull out my tooth? "The patient red eyes bad to ruthlessly said.

22. Film

A man went to the photo studio to film.

the shop assistant asked, "which one? 24*36?”

this man was puzzled, and thought about it for a long time. He said, "24*36=, I don't understand. Do I have to do a math problem first for a film?"

23. signpost

A tourist saw a signpost crossing the road ahead, which said, "This road is closed, please make a detour." He took a few

steps forward to see that the road was no different, thinking that it might just be a kind joke, so he continued to walk forward. After a while,

a broken bridge blocked the way, so he had to leave angrily. When he reached the sign, he saw on the back of the sign: "Welcome back, you idiot!" "

24. Looking for his mother

Five-year-old John was separated from his mother. He asked people in tears:

"Didn't you see a woman? She has a little boy who looks very much like me. "

25. Snoring

Little John's father went to bed as soon as it was dark, and the rough and annoying snoring made little John unable to set his mind at work

. "hey! Wake up, wake up! " Little John shook his father hard.

"Bah, I just lay down. What are you yelling about? !” Old John lost his temper.

"I saw you snore for two hours, and you were really tired. I told you to sit up and have a good rest."

26. Light the oil lamp

After the power supply in a rural area with inconvenient transportation, Malaysia sent an investigator to visit the residents there and ask if it was convenient for them after the power supply. An old lady said, "I am very grateful to you. In the future, I will find

matches to light oil lamps, so I don't have to touch the dark anymore."

27. Reading the newspaper

An illiterate man bought a newspaper and pretended to read it, but he held it upside down.

"hey, sir!" A passer-by asked him, "Please tell me, what's in the newspaper?"

"yes, something happened again. You see, the train wheels are facing the sky-it's overturned. " The man replied.

29. incurable

Patient: "I often suffer from insomnia. What good medicine is there?"

: "It is best to control it in a rational way."

Patient: "How to control it?"

: "When you sleep, don't think about other things. Count with your heart until you fall asleep."

Patient: "That won't do. I have to jump when I count to ten!" "

: "oh! Then why? "

patient: "I am a boxer."

3. Be lenient

Picasso doesn't care about fake paintings that pretend to be his works, and never pursues them. When he sees a fake painting, he only obliterates

the forged signature at most. "Why should I make a fuss?" Picasso said. People who fake paintings are either poor painters or

old friends. I'm Spanish, so I can't embarrass my old friends. Besides, the experts who identify the original works also have to eat, < P > and I didn't suffer anything. "

31. Will

Husband: After many years of marriage, I find that you are a weak-willed person. What do you think of me?

wife: I think you have no will at all.

32. Excellent question

Someone asked, "Excuse me, how can I live to be thirty?"

"First, give up drinking." "I never drink."

"Second, abstain from color." "I don't like women at all."

"Third, eat less meat." "I am a vegetarian!"

"Then why do you want to live so long?"

33. Three dollars

A woman walked into the grocery store and said to the shop assistant, "Miss, I bought 1 kilograms of potatoes this morning, and you miscalculated three dollars when you changed the money."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" The shop assistant replied angrily, "unfortunately, it's too late now."

"well," the woman said quietly, "then I'll get these three dollars."

34. Too many smokers

In the shop, a customer said to the boss, "I suspect that your piano is a refurbished second-hand! Look, the ivory

keys are all black. "

"heaven and earth conscience, there is no such thing." The boss explained, "This is entirely due to the elephant smoking too much."

35. The problem with the tie

Someone walked in the desert for a long time and was so thirsty that he smoked. When he was about to walk out of the desert, he met a salesman. The latter advised him to wear a tie. He said, "Do me a favor, I'm so thirsty that I want to tear my shirt, so I don't need a tie!" " The salesman got bored and walked away. The poor man finally found a bar in a small town on the edge of the desert, and he couldn't wait to rush in. So he said to the waiter at the door, "Give me something to drink quickly!" " His throat is almost hoarse. "Sorry, sir, people who don't wear a tie are not allowed to enter." The waiter

politely refused his request. "what! ...... "

36. Hit a wall everywhere

A gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the trunk," Does it bother you if I smoke a cigarette here? "

The lady kindly said to him, "No, you are as good as at home."

This gentleman immediately took back his cigarette case and said with a sigh, "Still can't smoke!"

37. Wonderful metaphor

-Men, like fire, run outside without paying attention.

-rumors spread from mouth to mouth like kissing.

-being unwilling to post is like winking at a woman in the dark.

-Happiness is like a math test. As soon as you do the first question, the teacher immediately gives the second question.

-Youth is the time when we are looking for green fields, while middle age is the time when we are unable to cultivate the fields we have found.

38. Don't drink a glass

In a bar, an old customer is drinking. He always drinks two cups.

The waiter asked him, "Why don't you have a large one?"

"I've given up drinking, not a glass." The old customer said with a smile.

39. Other uses

"Mr. Green, I simply don't understand."

said discontentedly, "You always ask me to prescribe sleeping pills for you, but why do you always stay in the bar late at night every day?"

"You don't understand this. This medicine is not for me, but for my wife."

4. Enthusiasm

"Get rid of melancholy," the patient is told psychologically, "Let enthusiasm fill your daily life, get up with enthusiasm and go to class

. In short, do everything enthusiastically. " A week later, the patient came back, looking more depressed than before.

Ask him if he did as the doctor ordered. "That's the problem," the patient replied. "I got up with enthusiasm, had dinner, and then kissed my wife goodbye, so that I was two hours late for work and was fired."

41. Birthday question

Child: Mom, when will my birthday be?

mom: June 15th.

child: what about you? Mom: June 1th.

child: what, you gave birth to me in five days? !

42. Misunderstanding

A European tourist is looking for the zipper of his sportswear in a shop in Tokyo. He gestured to a salesgirl for quite a while. Finally, the salesgirl understood, took out a sword for caesarean section and put it on the counter.

43. Gas station

A notice was posted at a car gas station outside a suburb of Africa: "Refueling the fuel tank and oil drum is the only place. All the

gas stations ahead are mirage buildings. "

44. Kangaroo's bag

Father: "Do you know why there is a bag in front of the kangaroo's stomach?"

child: "I think it must be used to hold kangaroos."

Father: "But there is also a bag in front of the kangaroo's stomach. What's the explanation?"

child: "that must be used to hold candy!" "

45.

The teacher wrote "confusing" on the blackboard,

and then asked a student, "Would you please tell me what this idiom means?

The student stood up, pushed his glasses for deep myopia, carefully looked at the four words on the blackboard, but he didn't understand them for a long time. Finally, he said helplessly, "Teacher, I can't see them clearly. "

The teacher said," You are right, please sit down. "

46. Two pronouns

In the grammar class, John's thoughts wandered.

Suddenly the teacher asked, "John, can you name two pronouns?

John stood up, shook his head and said, "Who? Me! "

47. Over and over again

Lao Wang was resting under the tree, and Lao Li came up to him and said," Hey, why don't you go up the mountain to cut wood? "

Lao Wang said, "What's the purpose of chopping wood?"

Lao Li said, "Good money. When you get the money, you can be a donkey, and then you can go door to door. If you earn money, you will get a truck, and then

a wood factory.