Probably in the middle of a bustling city, sitting on a crowded subway, like everyone else, deadpan;

Maybe I'm in love with my lover, or I live a plain and beautiful life with the other half, but sometimes it always feels like this;

It may also be going to work day after day, turning around and doing something that everyone will do. It is not irreplaceable and I don't know when it will arrive.

It may also be that people around you are saying the same thing, kissing the same ass, going to the same place and watching similar scenery.

We talked and laughed as usual during the day, but we stared at the ceiling in the dead of night, and the loneliness in our hearts spread endlessly …

Some people may think this is melodramatic, and this is our complaint about our lack of achievement, but I really can't categorically deny that this feeling doesn't exist.

"Many people, even in Winsburg, have to live and die alone."

When it comes to loneliness, the first thing that comes to my mind is a collection of short stories by sherwood anderson, an American writer.

This collection of stories consists of 25 short stories, almost all of which revolve around a protagonist and tell the life in the small town of Winsburg. This town is like a closed space isolated from the world. There are only a handful of houses in it, every street and every shop. People in small towns also look up and see each other. Their story is incredible and full of grotesque. It is in this abnormality and strangeness that we seem to be watching the incubator in the laboratory. Everyone inside screamed at the top of their lungs in a transparent glass cover, but there was no response. All the stories make people wonder, is life doomed to a lonely absurd drama?

There is a story in this story set called adventure, the protagonist Alice? Sindermann, she once had a lover. They vowed to be together forever, but then the man went to town. Before leaving, he promised to come back to pick her up, but as we expected, he never came back, and Alice lived alone in her heart. In order to find him, she tried to save money so hard that saving money became a habit. Just like a miser who goes to his coffers every night to count money and smells the money, she will take out all her savings every day and pray that she has enough money to find him and do what he likes for him.

Later, the man in her heart became a shackle. She longed for new people to enter her poor and lonely life, but she refused other men except her first boyfriend. Obviously, there are trains whizzing by near her work place every day, and in her eyes, the road to the outside world is like a toy. She is so contradictory, depressed, lonely and even deformed.

Then one day, on a rainy night, she suddenly stripped off all her clothes and ran into the rainy night, hoping that the rain would bring her something magical. She ran wildly and shouted, hoping to find any man. When she saw a man walking in a rainy night, wild and desperate emotions immediately rushed to her head. She called out to him.

The man on the sidewalk stopped. He is old, ugly and a little deaf. He said, "What? What did you say? "

Alice suddenly woke up, or completely collapsed. She collapsed to the ground and staggered home. She turned her head to the wall and forced herself to face the fact bravely: many people, even in Winsburg, had to live and die alone.

Maybe she asked for this loneliness, because obviously she can escape from this lonely and closed town by train, and she can accept other men around her and start the next relationship. But there are no invisible shackles and bondage in anyone's heart. Maybe you know it is a door between you and everything around you, but you can't get out and others can't get in. That narrow and dark space will give birth to infinite loneliness when you are alone, even when everyone is partying, such as Pandora's box.

There used to be a very popular loneliness ranking index on the Internet. For example, the first level of loneliness is to go to the supermarket alone, the fifth level of loneliness is to eat hot pot alone, and the tenth level of loneliness is to have surgery alone. Later, I chatted with my friends. Some people said that they like to eat hot pot alone and don't feel lonely. If you go to Haidilao alone, the clerk will give you a hug bear to sit opposite you and eat with you. Later, I thought that the role of this bear should only be to go to the toilet when you are halfway through eating. The clerk won't think that no one has taken the meal. I didn't feel so lonely at first, but now I can't help but feel a little funny and sad when I think about it.

Before I went to school, I lived alone in other places and never felt lonely. Although I am alone most of the time every day, I don't feel sad. Every day is like chicken blood, full of energy. But now suddenly at a certain moment, the world seemed to stand still for half a second at that moment, and suddenly realized the meaning of the words "wandering" and "duckweed" that people often say.

Midnight, just like Alice, he can't stand it. He dialed the phone number of the woman he had been having an affair with for a while. In the night when pessimism and loss are infinitely magnified, two lonely souls collide in an incredible way. She remembers a scene in Osamu Dazai's "Disqualification on Earth" in which the young hero wandered around midnight and had a good time with different women. But when he woke up, when the dawn broke, the sky was a fish-belly grey, and when he saw the messy cups and plates and drunkenness the night before, he felt lonely at that moment.

They didn't have much pleasantries at first. She didn't know what he was thinking. It seems that he needs her very much. She didn't even know what she was thinking. It seems that she needs him very much, but neither of them needs the other person to promise to take charge of anything. Two people who don't have much overlap, whether for acting or physical needs, kiss and touch each other and return to normal life like strangers the next day.

Perhaps two people have formed some kind of "tacit understanding", and they even appreciate each other a little.

Compared with the loneliness she felt when she woke up in the novel, she even felt that she had a little emotional support for this booty call. Is this more lonely than the kind of loneliness described by Osamu Dazai? I think she feels a little ridiculous and sad.

"I used to feel that security is a kind of commitment, a firm hand when crossing the road, and a broad hug when I was afraid. Now, what gives me a sense of security is the wallet and key in my pocket when I go out, and the mobile phone shows full charge. "

Looking through mobile phones, watching concerts in friends' circle, love shows, food shows, inspirational quotations, articles about tearing up mistress, parents' brief ramblings, her love for him and his emotional stories, various survival rules in the workplace ... tossing and turning, changing the medicine are all trivial things in life, and our lives seem to be submerged in these trivial and even vulgar things one by one, as if we can't get rid of reincarnation. I put the phone down for a while and picked it up for a while. I don't know what I'm looking at, just bored, anxious and scared.

A while ago, Xiao Nan received a proposal text message from a fellow villager. Although I have known each other for a long time, I haven't said a few words since I went to school, so I naturally don't know each other so well. However, Xiao Nan was not surprised to receive this news, because she knew that he had been choosing the right person and could enter the marriage hall with him as soon as possible. She is also one of the people on his candidate list.

Don't know how to answer, he wants to marry her as soon as possible. There is a saying that "fall in love with someone, fall in love with a city". Xiao Nan thinks that if he chooses a city and dies, he has to have some emotional sustenance for it. Choosing a person to grow old together also needs some emotional foundation. In feelings, double negation doesn't follow the law of negativity and can't get positive. In the infinite emptiness and loneliness, we only seek the result, not the process, and treat the love that we wanted to manage carefully, which is nothing.

Why is it that seeking a person, hand in hand with the love of growing old together, will become a shelter against the loneliness where we have nowhere to put? The loneliness of one person has already increased the troubles and loneliness of two people. When the flame of love goes out, only this emptiness remains.

There are always explosive articles on the Internet saying that "low-quality social interaction is not as good as high-quality solitude". I don't care. Who wants to be alone if you can socialize? After all, human beings are a gregarious species, but why is there always such a gap in our hearts? If there is a vacuum, no one will really understand. We expect life to open this closed door, and don't let this claustrophobic space imprison us any more, but life has never been so gentle to every life as expected, and it is deliberately leaving such a small box for us to suffer.

Going deep into the inner loneliness, I don't think it is the learning to get along with yourself mentioned in the explosion article. This kind of loneliness is incurable and incurable. Just like our organs. Can't be separated, and I can't give you any way to make it disappear. It is absurd to watch Waiting for Godot, but our life is even more bizarre without the general disguise of life.

There is a book that says

Although loneliness makes us cry and worry, it also makes us think about the meaning of life. On the surface, the loneliness that seems to be inseparable from others may be the reason why different individuals try different ways of thinking, which makes each of us a unique whale in this universe.