What is it to live in the present?
Humanistic psychologists believe that we don't need to be victims of the past. Past experiences will naturally change and influence "who I am" and how we should act, but these experiences can't point out what we will become.
Back to a popular word "let go", which means to forget the unpleasant experience in the past and focus on the present every day.
The reason is simple, everyone can understand it, but can everyone really do it?
Some people say that as long as I work hard, I can do it.
I'm sorry, I told you. That's not true. From a psychological point of view, "living in the present" is an ability, not something you can choose.
Ms. Bai, the neighbor opposite me, is a unsmiling woman. She is about 40 years old and has a 9-year-old daughter at home. She wears dark clothes all the year round, walks with her head down and occasionally looks up. When you see her dark yellow face with a gloomy expression, there is always a chilly feeling.
My daughter and I go out, and mother and daughter often go in tandem and rarely communicate. Occasionally, her daughter shows a little intimacy to her, and she will interrupt impatiently. Every time I see the little girl's passive attack expression, I always feel a little bad.
Mr. Zhang, the male host of their family, is a very easygoing middle-aged man, always smiling, because we are fellow villagers in the Northeast, and we can always talk a few words every time we meet.
Mr. Zhang is also very kind and polite. His family later moved here. During the renovation, the corridor was a little dirty because of moving things. After the renovation, he also specially invited people to clean and paint the whole public area.
Therefore, I have never imagined what kind of combination these two are.
Not long after they moved in, one day, I was packing at home alone and was suddenly startled by the harsh female voice next door. Because the voice was too loud, I vaguely heard the voice mixed with curses, probably criticizing the children for not studying hard and being playful.
The sound continued to sprint my eardrum at a high decibel for nearly half an hour, and my heart was shaking. How many crimes has this child committed? As for enduring such torture. After living for a long time, I found that this is the normal state of their family, and it will be repeated once in a month or two.
Whenever this happens, on the one hand, I feel sorry for the child next door, on the other hand, I remind myself not to treat my children like her.
Then when I meet this woman again, I can't help but be afraid of her, although I still see that gloomy expression.
As only a nodding acquaintance, I didn't leave any contact information. A while ago, the community was going to set up an industry Committee, which brought all the neighbors into a group. I saw this woman's head in the group, and the signature was "Live a good day now".
I opened her circle of friends out of curiosity. I didn't expect to see a lot of chicken soup. The circle of friends is full of "long life, stop-and-go, people come and go, and someone teaches you to cherish ...", "There are three things that must be controlled: mood, tone and behavior" and so on.
I saw the most inconsistent example in Ms. Bai's determination to "live in the present".
Later, I learned from my neighbors that Ms. Bai was not so gloomy. The husband and wife had a good life more than ten years ago. Mr. Zhang started a business when he was young. His wife is a childhood friend, and they have accumulated a rich family business very early. Around 2000, they bought a single-family villa in Yu Zi Villa District (it is said that Zhang Guoli and Deng Jie still live there).
I thought life would continue to prosper. Unexpectedly, a few years ago, Mr. Zhang made a wrong venture capital investment, resulting in tens of millions of debts. In order to pay off their debts, they sold their villa and moved to the old building in the 1990s where we live now. Two middle-aged people are not allowed to take the road of reemployment.
Although this kind of experience is ups and downs in the eyes of ordinary people, it is not uncommon in today's society.
It is puzzling why the husband and wife have experienced the same failure, but their reactions are completely different.
The first point of view:
The research of humanistic psychology finds that some people are more likely to evaluate themselves positively than others. Generally speaking, they like themselves better and feel good about what they do. Others often show negative self-evaluation.
People with different self-esteem have different attitudes towards failure. When told that they are not doing well, people with low self-esteem will generally stop working hard and get worse grades. On the contrary, no matter how they performed in the first test, people with high self-esteem will work as hard as before in the second test.
How should these reactions be explained?
Negative feedback makes people with low self-esteem immerse themselves in a vicious circle of negative evaluation of individuals. People with high self-esteem respond to failure by focusing on their own strengths rather than their own mistakes. In other words, negative feedback reminds people with low self-esteem of their mistakes and failures, while the same feedback reminds people with high self-esteem of their abilities and achievements.
The second view:
NLP timeline therapy has a timeline principle, which has different descriptions of people's timeline types. Timeline is a stable subconscious psychological structure. It is found that there are two basic forms of human timeline, namely, internal linear and external linear. The distinguishing sign is whether a part of the timeline is behind him. If so, then he is the inner type, if not, he is the outer type.
People with outside lines write from left to right, or from right to left, or whatever, but all the timelines are in front. Their memories are always in front of them.
People in the timeline are more likely to "live in the present". They live in the "now" part of the timeline, so they don't have much awareness of the passage of time. Studies have found that many tropical countries, such as some countries in Africa, including India, are people with internal timelines, which is more in line with "living in the present", which also explains why those people are still very happy despite their poverty and backwardness.
So how can we improve the ability to "live in the present"?
First, learn to enjoy the present life.
In Haruki Murakami's prose, there once appeared such a lovely saying: Xiao is really lucky.
It describes such happiness: touch the pockets of clothes you haven't worn for a long time and find yourself rich; The phone rang, which happened to be the person I missed; Look up and drink iced drinks after exercise; When waiting in line, your team walks fastest. These are the small but real luck and happiness in life, and the fleeting beauty that flows in life.
Because of these beautiful things, when life is not so smooth, we can still feel the gentleness of life with a smile.
Picking up these little pleasures, enjoying your own little life and interests is the current attitude towards life.
Second, learn to see the present clearly.
When you find your thoughts drifting in the past, don't judge, bring them back to what you are doing now and feel the physical and mental experience at this moment.
When you find that your thoughts drift to worry about the future, use the same method, or just focus on breathing.
This method is scientifically verified.
When we look at it, we observe what is happening now. Whether we pay attention to what is happening around us or what is happening inside us, we are training our brains to pay attention to the present instead of letting our thoughts drift to the past or the future.
Third, learn to listen to the signals from the body.
When you feel stressed or your life is too busy, listen to your own voice quietly. All your physical reactions come from the signals your subconscious sends to your consciousness.
In our bodies, the secrets of the past and all the wisdom in our hearts are hidden. What we need is to calm down and listen to her voice and be afraid of the signal she gives us.
Only by learning body language and understanding your inner needs can you move towards your true self.