This feeling can be remembered as a memory

In the golden autumn of that year, she and I met in an unknown middle school. At that time, there was a big and old camphor tree in front of our classroom. It has lush branches and shade, and all our stories happen around it.

She is a pure and lively girl, the kind of otherworldly kind, while I am weak and pale, and have only one friend - books, which have given me a lot and made me profound and pale. My maturity also caused all my passion and courage to live in illusory dreams, making me extremely timid and weird.

The days passed by silently, and admiring her secretly became a required course for me every day. But every time she appeared in front of me, I felt an unnatural feeling that I couldn't hide. It was so difficult to say a word in front of her. I really wish I could be with her, but I can't find a reason. So I can only silently pray every day, hoping that one day I can share a desk with her. Every time I changed positions in the class, I was very excited and hoped that there would be some kind of power in the dark that could help me realize my greatest wish. However, reality turned out to be the opposite of my ideal. Every time I could not be further away from her. .

Perhaps my sincerity moved God. In the third grade of junior high school, the kind, lovely, amiable and respectable head teacher made me and her deskmates.

That day I sang silently in my heart and silently held the most important ceremony in my life for myself.

From then on, I started a new life and cherished every day of my life. We enjoy the joy of life to the fullest and freely create the most beautiful and pure feelings in the world. Her purity washes away the vulgarity in the soul and everything that has nothing to do with harmony and happiness. Once after a night self-study, she and I came out of the classroom, The moonlight was hazy outside, and everything was so quiet and charming. Suddenly she softly called my name in my ear. The sound was like sweet music coming from heaven, which made me feel relaxed and happy. An electric shock rose from the depths of my soul and spread all over the place in an instant. My whole body. I turned my head and he was looking at me. I also silently stared at her beautiful big eyes. I really wanted to kiss her, but I didn't dare. I felt my whole body trembling.

The high school entrance examination is getting closer day by day. I know that our days together are numbered, and I often feel inexplicably irritable. It is only at this time that I remember that I am in the world and not the kingdom of heaven.

Cupid’s arrow is ultimately no match for the arrow of time. The day of separation came. It rained heavily that night. I came to the deserted classroom alone, thinking back on the wonderful year we had together. The corners of my eyes are moist, not only for her, but also for those true friends. Thinking that everyone will go their separate ways tomorrow, I really feel uncomfortable and lonely. At some point, she came to the classroom holding an umbrella, and we walked into the rain silently without saying a word, only the patter of rain hitting the umbrella and our hearts.

She handed me a gift, two cute little dolls hugging each other, and a small note with her beautiful handwriting written on it:

"Little gift Light and light, it represents my heart.” I was so happy at the time. I took this simple sentence as her true expression and her commitment to the future.

But we still separated as friends. To this day, I still doubt what I did. Why didn’t I make any promises or express anything to her? If so, the ending might be So perfect. But I didn’t, why I didn’t, I don’t know now. Maybe in my subconscious, I am just timid and cowardly. I dare not face the reality. I want to have a true love but avoid responsibility. Maybe I have some inferiority complex. resulting in cruel self-inflicted harm. Sometimes it seems that there is no reason and can only be described in two words - no fate.

In this way, we separated. That year, she was 17 years old and I was 16. They were really too young. Later, I was admitted to a provincial key middle school to study in high school, while she was not admitted to a provincial key middle school for various reasons. He gave up his studies and went south to Guangdong.

In the first semester of high school, we couldn’t contact each other, but I would think of her every day, and often dream about her at night. My dreams were intertwined with stories of my joys and sorrows, and every day I followed the stories in my dreams. There are joys and sorrows in real life. I would write her letters when I missed her the most, but I couldn't send any of them, so I wrote them one by one and treasured them one by one.

Just when I finished writing the 51st letter, the winter vacation came.

I couldn't wait to go home that day, and then hurriedly rode the bicycle that still seemed to have her fragrance left on it and came to the campus where our classmate *** had studied. I saw her standing under the big camphor tree in front of the classroom from a distance. She was wearing that familiar white dress, and her long hair was flying in the wind. It's her, it must be her.

I ran over quickly, but there was nothing there, only a few withered yellow leaves falling silently in the wind.

That day, I stood there and recited her name a thousand times. I firmly believed that she would definitely come, and she would definitely come. But it didn't appear until the ruthless night fell. The next day, the third day. . . . . . I would go there whenever I had free time and wait there for a long time. The campus in winter was deserted and extremely desolate.

The person I am waiting for has not come yet, but the Spring Festival is getting closer day by day. I am almost desperate, but the more desperate I am, the more times I go, and the longer I wait every time. Every time I come out of school and walk to a crowded street, I will always see similar figures from behind.

It’s New Year’s Eve, and the festive atmosphere is very strong that day. It seemed that I was the only one in the whole world who was still suffering from sadness, and I was completely despairing. I felt so stupid, like I was mentally ill. When I turned around and walked out of the school, at that moment, I heard me swearing that I would never come again, ever.

I lowered my head and walked sadly in the bustling town, and suddenly I heard her familiar voice. I looked up and she was right in front of me. A miracle finally happened. I almost jumped up holding her in my arms.

She is more beautiful than before and has learned how to dress up. Half a year of living as a working girl has made her lose a lot of her childishness. "I didn't expect to see you here. I just came back last night." ,"

We met by chance, and then she talked to me about her life there. Her life there was very difficult, she worked more than ten hours a day, and her salary was very low. The environment there was very complicated, and there were all kinds of people. She was surrounded by all kinds of strange faces, but she felt isolated and lonely. She said that she I don't want to stay in that environment for fear of being assimilated. I was speechless, only silently accompanying her in sadness.

When she talked about hearing gunshots late at night, when he talked about one of her companions who was falling into depravity due to drug abuse. My heart will feel cramped. "Are you going next year?" I asked, "Go", "Why?" "..." She didn't answer, sometimes there is no choice in life.

A few days later, she left again.

She worked hard in loneliness, and I lived a pale and feeble life under the protection of books. We send each other the care, thoughts, comfort and blessings that he needs most through letters sent from north to south. One day she asked me if I still write poetry? I was stupid. The boring and busy high school life had already put the poetic and artistic thoughts on the shelf.

Once she told me in a letter that Hua Zai, our best friend in Guangdong, was pursuing her hard. She rejected him, but she could not avoid his care and help. care.

Once she wrote to me and told me that her father died when we were in junior high school. Now her mother has found a husband, but she must marry that man’s son. She said he was very nice, but not her ideal, and she refused. Her mother scolded her, hated her, and begged her. She was under tremendous pressure, both from her mother and from the entire family.

I always doubt but dare not think deeply about whether there is any deep meaning in it and whether there is any hint to me. Although I really like her very much, I haven't thought much about other aspects, especially things like marriage. I don't even dare to think about things like marriage, high school and college. . . . . .

I still have a long way to go.

I also know how difficult it is for her, how lonely and helpless she is. But apart from a few words of comfort and some truths learned in school such as: "People must struggle, have ideals, and keep learning", what else can I give her? What else can I do to help her?

She always said that she had many things to say to me in person, but she only came back once a year and could only stay at home for a few days at a time, and there were always some strange things that prevented us from seeing each other. .

As time passes little by little, the days when we were together and the beautiful feelings have become more beautiful, but they have also become a bit ethereal.

When we meet again, I have been admitted to a university in the north. After being separated for several years, I really feel the distance brought by time and space. She has changed a lot, but I am still a nerd. There is a gap between us. Although we work hard, it is difficult to talk together, and the distance caused by this time is difficult to make up for with time.

Sadly my feelings for her have not changed at all.

That time we walked and talked. Suddenly I saw Hua walking over. I smiled at him. He ignored me and put his hand on her shoulder, then hugged her. I suddenly felt dizzy and almost fell. But I vaguely saw her pushing Hua's hand away and saying, "Hua, old classmate, are you kidding me?" I also vaguely saw the look of hatred from Hua's eyes.

That day, I don’t know how I got back, but I know that I drank a lot of wine and shed a lot of tears.

A few other times, I saw them together. But every time I was there, she always wanted to hide her relationship with Hua, but she always tried to cover it up.

I really don’t want to see them, but I often run into them. Sometimes I also wonder why I didn’t have the chance to meet her before. Maybe it was God’s will.

But I am still deceiving myself, telling myself that everything is not true, and I still have not given up hope. I'm still trying to do something to change it. But it was too late. News spread that they were getting married. Just the day before their wedding, I came to the school where our *** had lived together for several years for the last time. That day I walked around every place in the school, collecting all the joys and sorrows I had. Then we came to the evergreen camphor tree and silently carved my and her names with a knife on the camphor tree that witnessed our separation. After I finished carving, I found her standing behind me, her eyes red as if she wanted to cry.

"I wish you happiness!" I tried my best to say this, the only thing I could say. My voice was so low that I could hardly hear it. "I...I...I..." She didn't say anything, but tears flowed out.

Then, we walked silently on the campus paths, letting the slowly moving footsteps recall the passing bits and pieces. My ability can no longer change anything. The weather was very good that day, but how I wished there would be a torrential rain that would wash everything away without leaving a trace.

I went back to school with pain. I tried to change myself, but I couldn't forget her no matter what, even though I knew it was no longer the case.

I really hate myself, my cowardice, and my incompetence. I often say that I am worthless. I have constant nightmares, and I wake up from them every time.

I really miss her so much that I feel like I am going crazy. One day, I exchanged my living expenses for a ticket going south. I knew it was all in vain and meaningless, but I still set foot on this road with no future.

Beautiful music is playing on the train, and the beautiful spring scenery of Jiangnan is outside the window. But I was blind to everything. All I knew was that I was going somewhere and meeting someone. I no longer care about other things, I don't care.

By the time I found her and Hua’s home, it was already very late at night, but when I raised my hand to knock on the door, I hesitated. My hand stopped in mid-air and remained silent for a long time. , in the end I still didn’t have the courage to go in. I came to the window, they were eating, and Hua kept picking up food for her. I know that Hua loves her as much as I do. They talked and laughed, immersed in happiness. Suddenly Hua said:

"Honey, when can I be a father?" "..." She did not answer, but rested her head on Hua's shoulder.

My heart was broken when I saw this, but I held back the tears. It was raining heavily outside and I took nothing with me. I stumbled towards the train station alone. The rain was getting heavier and heavier, thunder and lightning were coming, and the dazzling lightning often illuminated the world in front of me.

When I came back, the sad song was played over and over again on the train: "When love reaches its end, it is hard to hold back, love is long, hate is long, why do I think of your tenderness until I can't save it..." "I finally couldn't help it anymore. I hadn't cried for many years, and tears flowed down like a fountain, blurring my vision and my world. . .

I will never forget her, especially every night when there is thunder and lightning, my heart no longer belongs to me, and it is completely occupied by the pain and sorrow of yearning.