Children are at a specific stage of middle school students, and how to get along with a family has become a hot topic. Frequent negative incidents involving minors have also deepened parents' anxiety.

Although parents or children in most families will not have excessive behavior, "dare not control" and "disobedience" have become the common feelings of many parents; And "parents from head to toe" and "hate" are also the same views of many children.

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Parents encourage each other to "cook more and talk less"

Almost every night, Yang Xia will go to the warehouse supermarket two kilometers away from home, sometimes he will go home with vegetables, and spend most of his time wandering around. For Yang Xia, this trip is not the need of life, but her personal spiritual needs. "I can't help giving advice to my children at home, and people don't want to listen. I don't want to have a conflict with him. Let's take a step back as parents and simply avoid it. "

Yang Xia's daughter dropped a lot in the last two exams organized by the school in Grade Three this year. "Mathematics is a weakness, and physical chemistry is also making up lessons. The reading comprehension of Chinese is always biased, and these two compositions can't be written. " Yang Xia spent a lot of time summing up the wrong questions for her children, and her daughter turned them over and threw them aside; Although both Yang Xia and his wife graduated from Ph.D., their daughter refused to share their learning methods and experiences. "Everyone's learning methods are different. What you think is good is useless to me. "

Parents are eager to guide and help their children in their studies, but the children refuse to discuss the problems and their parents' opinions. This kind of scene is common in many middle school students' families. Many parents will mention this problem when talking about middle school students at home, and share their experiences with each other, such as "doing a good job in logistics and keeping your mouth shut", "cooking more and talking less" and comforting themselves. "Children feel too much learning pressure in their studies, so vent with us." "As long as their children are psychologically healthy, our education is successful."

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Children grow up, but parents don't.

Fear of stimulating children is actually the same idea of many parents of middle school students, and it is also a fairly consistent feeling of parents after learning about negative events involving middle school students.

"Both parents and children regard each other's failure and shame as their own failure." So the parents think that the child has lost his person, and the child thinks that "since I am a part of you, giving it back to you will also make you restless in this life."

"Suicide is an aggressive behavior, attacking yourself and attacking dissatisfaction. These incidents are not only educational problems, but also caused by parents' failure to do a good job in psychological growth. "Zong Chunshan said that after children become middle school students, their way of thinking is similar to that of adults, and they are also eager to gain equal status with adults. At this time, conflicts are prone to occur. The root cause of the conflict is that the way many parents discipline their children has not changed with their children's growth. The child has grown up, but the parents haven't.

"If our parents don't know how to teach, then do the most basic things and respect the children. Respect him. He's not like us. He can have different ideas from us. He may make mistakes or fail. " Zong Chunshan said that in reality, many parents expect their children to be "you shouldn't have problems, you shouldn't make mistakes, you should have smooth sailing". This irrational educational concept will make parents constantly compare their children with other children. This comparison will hurt parents at the same time. If parents accumulate more powerlessness and frustration, they will shift to their children and attack them.

Zong Chunshan has received many parents and had similar problems, especially those from prestigious schools. Many parents report that they can't talk about learning with their children, and when they talk about learning, they will argue with each other. "Some parents are particularly anxious to say that when their children go to middle school, they are often in a daze when they study, playing games, reading extracurricular books and watching movies. They think it's a waste of time. " On the contrary, Zong Chunshan felt that many problems were caused by parents. "Can't be in a daze, can't read extracurricular books. This kind of thinking violates people's basic nature and growth law. "

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There is no growth without "rebellion"

Zong Chunshan also found that many parents have a bumpy road to growth and work hard on their own, but they don't think this kind of struggle is helpful for their growth. They don't think that the past experience is to prepare for future development, but they feel that their growth is too painful and they don't want their children to go astray and suffer setbacks. On the surface, this mentality is the anxiety and tension of parents, but in fact it is how to treat the growth of "people".

"Many parents don't respect the diversity of children as individuals, and they all hope to find a method similar to' quick-acting rescue pills' to manage their children at once. But there is no life instruction manual. Every child is different. Don't talk about education if you don't respect the uniqueness of life. " If parents control their children too much, don't respect them and don't give them dignity, they will violently resist.

Zong Chunshan also especially wants to tell his parents not to be afraid of their children's rebellion. "Rebellion" itself is a label given by parents. Our parents always regard children's disobedience as a very negative thing, in fact, this should be a happy thing. "Zong Chunshan said," I didn't listen to my parents at first, which shows that your children are growing up and awakening themselves. This is the only process for him to become himself and complete his self-differentiation. "

As a parent, Zong Chunshan also understands that parents will definitely feel angry, helpless and disappointed when facing their children, but he hopes that parents can restrain their reactions. "You can lose your temper, but don't be aggressive and out of control. You can tell your child how you feel and then walk away to adjust yourself. As a parent, you should set an example for him at this time and let him see how adults control their emotions. " Once a child left a suicide note to his parents before committing suicide. The first sentence is "I am a garbage", Zong Chunshan said, "Who put this label on him? It is likely that my parents said this when they were angry. I believe this is not the original intention of parents, but this kind of speech has brought great harm to children. "

Zong Chunshan said that adolescent children will have some "rebellion", that is, fighting for independence. In a sense, there is no growth without "rebellion". Only an independent child can gradually form self-restraint, so that when he chooses a behavior, he will "restrain his own behavior and will not retaliate against his parents with emotions."

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Go to bed when you are tired and angry.

"Middle school students account for a quarter of the consultants who call. One-third of the hotline calls come from college students, and many of them are buried in middle schools. " Yin Jixiu, a national second-level psychological counselor, has been on the "Simple Psychology" free psychological counseling hotline for one year. Most of the questions she received from middle school students were about interpersonal relationship and parental control.

From the stories of children or parents, she felt that although more and more parents began to realize that they must pay attention to their children's mental health, many parents often had emotional abuse when communicating with their children. "When hearing negative feedback, parents should deal with emotions first, then deal with problems, and try to digest negative information before communicating with children. Family relationship, or parent-child relationship, is the source of children's strength. As a parent, you have to support your children. "

Yin Jixiu also reminded parents to take care of themselves first, especially their emotions. When you feel particularly tired or angry, don't force yourself. "Even if you close the door to sleep, you are leaving room for your child. Don't get emotional, talk to your child. "

In addition, adolescent children just want to experience the feelings of "I am the coolest", "I am the most beautiful" and "I am the king of the world", and experience the sense of control and excitement. Parents should understand their psychological characteristics during this period and learn the skills of communication with them. "Under the premise of safety and security, try to let them participate in some extreme challenge sports, so that they can experience a sense of control from these sports and satisfy their desire for control, instead of focusing on their homes, confronting their parents and competing for control."

Yin Jixiu said that it might be better for children to go out and exercise more, vent all their emotions and then devote themselves to their studies. "Parents should have a model. We should see that middle school is a stage of children's growth, and academic performance is very important. But the' need' of children at this stage is not only to learn knowledge, but more importantly to establish a healthy personality. Middle school is an important period for children to go out and make friends. If the personality is not well established, this life will be unhappy. "

At the same time, Yin Jixiu suggested that parents should pay attention to guiding their children to make good friends at school. "Being accompanied at school will increase the temperature of campus life." They should also help children find support relationships outside their parents, such as aunts, menstruation, uncles and even grandmothers. "When they have conflicts with their parents, there is another outlet. Outside their parents, they can still find emotional comfort and feel the warmth of their loved ones. This is also a good support. "