You have been gone for a long time.

My avatar now is Dou Wei. I like to watch Lou Ye’s literary films in the middle of the night. My favorite singer is Li Zhi. The most played song is about the memory of Zhengzhou. They were the only things that stayed with me after you left.

I have really changed a lot, can you see it?

How is your life now? Are you like me or the people around you? Nowadays, I am a person who keeps disappearing and disappearing lightly in everyone's life. I no longer hold on to anyone hard, keep a distance from everyone, and say nothing on every occasion. This is not the right way, but it is the most comfortable way for me.

When people reach the age of twenty, they especially like to reminisce about the past, but the time I can think of when I wasn’t lonely was the years when I had you.

The first time I see you in my memory is already in the distant third grade of junior high school. Now when I look back on the past, the silent movies replayed frame by frame in my head, but only the moment you appeared did the world become colorful. I fell in love with you at that moment. Haha, it’s funny to say that I never dared to admit that I loved anyone, but now it feels so natural to write this word.

I am just like those boys with low self-esteem in their youth. I don’t even have the courage to walk up to the girl I like and say hello. I only dare to watch quietly in the corner, for fear of disturbing something. You like to wear beige pants, your school uniform is tied around your waist, your arms are swung higher than your shoulders, and you walk very lightly, as if you are walking on some mysterious dance steps. After you left, this kind of scene appeared before my eyes countless times. Last winter, I had a fever and suddenly woke up from my sleep. Muji's "Days Without You" was playing in my headphones. I saw a person who seemed to be you, and then You left, and I searched like crazy, but it was a dream, an illusion, and an unrealistic collection. In reality, I was the only one who was scared and broke into a cold sweat.

It has been a year since I finally plucked up the courage to get to know you. Fortunately, we can be in the same high school. I love to hear you sing, so I pretended to be a talent scout and contacted the recording studio. I intercepted you on your way home one night and told you how beautiful your singing was, giving me a chance to record them. Later you didn't go, but we got to know each other. If I tell you our final outcome, will you regret such an encounter?

So our story begins, this long, boring, complicated life begins. I often wonder to what extent a person is influenced by another person. Look at the men and women who committed suicide for love, the fathers and sons who killed each other, and the friends who turned against each other. If they had not known each other, life would have been different. Maybe, maybe not, who knows.

We are not together, but this does not prevent us from experiencing a lot together. We talked all night long, making each other have the illusion that the other person was the person who understood him best in the world, but I showed up at an inappropriate time, and you already had someone to accompany you. It seems that I have never thought of taking you as my own, but seeing you with them, I am still sad, sulking like a child, and shut myself up at home. A child who has done something wrong is punishing himself. During that time, I was madly infatuated with Eason Chan, learned Cantonese, copied his lyrics, and introduced him to every friend around me.

"There is more than just this flower in the world. You don’t have to worry about the rest of the story. If both of us have a certain path, learn to be free and easy, okay."

I rely on this kind of music To comfort myself, it's ridiculous. A sixteen-year-old boy insists on learning the depth of a forty-year-old man, but boys in youth are most afraid of not being mature enough, so they always pretend to use too much force, you know.

Well, I don’t want to talk anymore, I have lost my patience. To put it simply, we were not together until we graduated from high school. When I went to college, I had another girlfriend, but it was short-lived. We met again that summer, and got together by accident. However, my heart seemed to be filled with the girl from before, and I had not forgotten her. Sorry, I'm an asshole.

I never thought that I would be a bastard, but when I actually became one, it seemed to be no different. It’s just that I drank significantly more during that time.

You left, and from now on any place with more than one person was a social occasion. There is no one like you who can be as easy for me to exist.

You don’t know this is the ending, and neither do I. Later I went to that city again, on a snowy day. It was the oldest and longest snowfall I have ever experienced in my life. Changchun, Changchun, people say that names place certain expectations, and now I understand.

Actually, it’s not that we can’t go back, it’s just that those things will never happen again. There is so much material in this world, countless cells, countless planets, countless people, and countless lives. How many people are lucky enough to repeat what happened yesterday. No, unless you hit it. Speaking of which, how different can we be from those couples in love, mothers and children saying goodbye, subordinates and superiors in disputes, and us? We are all facing the unknown moments that are coming in our lives, whether they are beautiful or sad.

Would you feel better? I know you're sad, not for me. But I don't want to see you so sad. Then I sneaked over to your homepage, just like I have done over the years. I know this will leave a mark, but so what, you won't see it.

Or you'll see, anyway. You seem unhappy. Don't ask me how I know. Others can't tell, but I just know.

Please, don’t be like me. If you have a good personality and good popularity, there will be many people approaching you. You have to try to accept them, at least they will not be worse than me. I'm sorry, I didn't love you when I was with you. It wasn't until you left that I realized it was you I loved. But I won't be selfish, don't worry. If someone can make you happy, I believe it will be much better for me too.

I used to be so similar to you. It's still the case now, so if I'm not happy, maybe you're also feeling lonely in the north. I really want to apologize to you, but I am so useless. No matter what I do, I will disappoint you.

Do you still feel pain? Anyway, I feel quite painful. What do you mean by romance? Does it count if we get sick and suffer from terminal illness together? Of course, it's best for me to die first, it's not selfish. Just thinking that you have so many concerns in this world, you can't bear to let go. The most romantic thing I can think of is that I can die in your hands in this life, but there is no chance.

But there is no chance, so so be it. I hate dining halls, I hate hotels, I hate places where there are lots of people.

Now I am not really a friend with you. It is a pity to say that I am a passerby, but I can barely be considered an old friend. In the coming days, if one day I come to your city as a guest, I will be just one of a group of people. How I want to give you a song that you once taught me.

Today is your birthday, which is the golden age of your life. You should swim, sing, travel, fly. In the past five years, I didn't understand life. I wanted to keep you by my side countless times, in a child-like farcical way, but every time I tried too hard. Sorry for causing trouble for you. If life is like one class after another, then I have been in this class for a long time. I occasionally miss the class, but most of the time I listen carefully. It’s a pity that get out of class is over, and I shed a lot of tears. Thank you for your teaching.

If I have any regrets, it is that I could not say goodbye properly. I wish the rest of your life to be sunny.

Without you, my life would actually be the same. With you, my life is actually just like this. But after you left, no one would talk to me anymore.